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allatsea posted 4/8/2013 06:45 AM

Hi Everyone,
I've just registered on this forum and I'm desperate for advice. We've been together for 19 years, married for 9 and have two children (6 and 8)

I found out about her affair with her boss on the 10th Feb. She told me she needed some space so I stayed at my Dads for a few weeks but I emailed her offering the opportunity to reconcile. I then find out that her idea of space was so she could have him round some evenings. I turned up unannounced one Sunday evening and caught him in my house having been there all day and playing with my children. The kids were in bed but not asleep. They were drinking my wine in front of my TV and were surprised to have been caught but not bothered. At this point I told her I was moving back in as I didn't want him coming round. She tells me that she refuses to live under the same roof and within a week she and him have rented a new house nearby and taken my children. They have been in their new house now for 1.5 weeks. She tells me that she was never happy, loves this man more than ever etc etc. She's in the affair bubble. This man has offered to take her and the children on even though he has never lived with children and doesn't know what's in store.

My question is: Am I a fool for holding out hope that her bubble will burst and she will start to realise what she's done? I am trying to do the 180 plan where I maintain no contact (apart from children related things) and it's killing me. I love her so much, I'm shot to bits and the only thing keeping me functioning is the thought of their relationship falling apart and us reconciling, which she says will never happen.

It's all so fast. They only starting having feelings for each other at work since November and became intimate just before Christmas. By March 21st she was living with him.

Any advice please? In desperation


summerain posted 4/8/2013 07:00 AM

Not sure about the time differences, I hope someone can pop along soon and help you a bit.

180 is great. Now you need to obviously stay in the house whatever you do! And lawyer up yesterday! Understand your rights and get the kids back in the house.

I am so sorry for your pain.

rivenheart posted 4/8/2013 07:35 AM

Sorry you're here. I know how raw and fresh everything is at this stage. You'll find help here, really the best available anywhere since it comes from those who know.

It sounds like you're a Brit, or at least not an American. So I don't know what the laws are where you are wrt to children being removed from their home w/o consent of one of the parents. Also, having the kids around her OM (and it doesn't get much closer than living under the same roof) may not be looked well upon by family courts where you are - I simply don't know. But I'd look in to that immediately if I were you.

At this point you have no reason not to expose here. She's already moved out with the kids and is making no effort to reconcile. So expose the A to anyone who might apply pressure to your WW: parents, friends, family, church, job, whoever. I realize many men find this hard, but I think you may be surprised how much support you'll get if you couch it in terms of hoping to save your marriage. Say something about how WW respects their opinion and you're reaching out to allies of your marriage. Try not to sound bitter or vindictive when you tell people; there's always the possibility she's made you out to be crazy/dangerous to her circle. If R doesn't turn out to work, you're going to need the support of your network.

Hang in there. Keep eating, drinking (water) and keep up your hygiene. I know these can all be difficult things right now. Take walks if you can, or exercise if you can muster that. Get pills from the doctor if you need them to sleep. Sleep is essential now more than ever. You're going to need your wits about you in the coming weeks.

Keep reading and posting here too.

Take2 posted 4/8/2013 07:49 AM

I am so sorry ((allatsea)). What an incredibly selfish thing she has done! I wish I could tell you this is all a bad dream, or that she'll come around... I know that's what you'd like to hear , probably what we all wanted to hear. I know you'd like to hear that there is something you can say or do to wake her up and make this all go away... but there is no magic pill. Read and re-read the 180, (BS FAQ #11 in the Healing library) - focus on you.

Yes, she is deep in the fog - But to make nothing of Dad moving out and taking up with some guy immediately, in front of them!?? If there is something worse than the fog - she's in that too! To move the kids in with him!?? As a mom myself - I can't even imagine being that selfish! What the hell does she think she is doing to those poor kids little psyches!

Please, please go consult with a lawyer now! Find out how to protect you rights as a father! And establish visitation now!!

Beyond that you need to take care of you - drink plenty of fluids, eat whatever you can (smoothies if nothing else will go down) and try to do something physical.

You said this is her boss - Is it a large corp, where exposing the affair would bring down the hammer at work?
Would her family put pressure on her? Exposure can help and at this point what do you have to lose?

Given what she has done, and the callousness with how she is towing the kids along for the ride. I think you need to do anything that will blow up their fantasy land. But brace yourself - you can't control anything she does and if this is an exit affair...

Also - please pick up and carry a VAR (voice activated recorder) and have it on you at all times. In the states an accusation of Domestic Violence can really throw a wrench in things. Protect yourself!

More than anything else - listen to the guys here when they log on! Hang in there and hugs - allatsea!

daledge posted 4/8/2013 07:49 AM

I am so sorry. Your wife is so brazen as is the other man!

I agree with the others: get back in the house; consult a lawyer; and out them both!

You are going to need a lot of help and support so seek it out immediately.

Best of luck to you!

tushnurse posted 4/8/2013 08:01 AM

Welcome to the club that no one ever wants to be a part of, or join.

You will find much great support and good offerings of assistance. I just have a few simple recommendations.

1. See an attorney ASAP!!! You need to know what your rights are, and what her rights aren't. I certainly would hope that the UK would frown upon her basically having her boyfriend live with her, prior to her making any attempt to D.
Knowledge is power. You need that now. You should definitely be the one with your kiddos. Not unstable mom who is making crazy choices right now.

2. Take care of yourself. Drink, eat, and sleep These basics are difficult in the early days of this. Many of us have been there. Sleep is essential, and being rested will allow you to keep emotions in check. Exhaustion is the enemy here.

3. Do what you can to get your kiddos out of that situation where they are living with mom. Tell her you are not ok with this, if she wants to D fine, but she doesn't get to keep the kids when the other man is around. Reach out to other family members tell them what is going on. You will recieve help and support.

Now to answer your question about getting her back.....It takes both partners in a marriage to heal and recover from an A. It also takes an enormous amount of work, love, time and more work to be successful at it.
She is not the person you married right now. She is living in fairy tale land, like you said in the affair bubble, time to pop her bubble. Expose the A, make it difficult for to live, don't give her one more penny for anythin other than the kids. However if you have them the majority of the time she won't need much from you. Time to draw your line in the sand.

Sending you Hugs ((( ))) and strength!

allatsea posted 4/8/2013 08:05 AM

Thanks everyone for your replies. You're right, I am in the UK. The law here does not favour the father for custody unless the mother is a drug addict or abuser. I see my boys for two nights a week and they are very confused. WW thinks they are OK but I can tell they are uncomfortable with the situation. I am at least in my house although she is a co-owner. I've made her an offer to buy her out but she's not in any hurry. I can't believe how quick this has all happened but she says it is my fault for finding out about the affair by snooping on her emails and then forcing her to move out so quickly when I realised she was having him round most evenings.
She said that she will allow me to buy the house off her once she has agreed a value so I don't want to rock the boat too much before that is sorted. I am doing a good job of 180 and quite tempted to file for divorce but it is so soon. She's clearly made her decision so why should I wait?

allatsea posted 4/8/2013 08:10 AM

I have outed the affair to everyone. My friends and family are very supportive but she has managed to convince her family that she wasn't happy and she saw an opportunity for happiness and took it. She never ever said a word, told a soul or expressed any actions at all that displayed her unhappiness. Sex was still good, expressions of love, romantic meals etc. I think she simply couldn't resist her urges and he happened to take advantage.

Jospehine85 posted 4/8/2013 09:40 AM

File for D. Your WW is living with another man. If you do not file, you are sending her the message that you will sit around and wait until she is done with her AP. Don't do it.

Protect yourself and protect your boys. Get a lawyer to protect you and while you are at it, have him do a background check on this AP too.

Your WW's AP certainly moved on your wife and kids pretty fast. Makes me think there is an alternative purpose. Most OM have very little interest in having their AP free of their marriage.


Shockleader posted 4/8/2013 09:44 AM

Sorry friend, she/this situation is straight out of the cheaters handbook, and they gotta blame someone but themselves. I commend you for not making it violent, as I am SURE, blood would have spilled with me, and that is something I'm not proud to say. Well done!

It's not fog, it's a selfish, clearly seeing, all consuming sickness that is that of a coward, and disordered person. You are 1000000000% NOT at fault for any of it, and NEVER forget that. In your situation, I would be at the solicitors like yesterday, getting this marriage over and done with, and you getting the kids.

This is IMO, your only hope; that being hit hard and fast, show her what she will loose, and if that "wakes" her up, great. If not, you are that much closer to healing. Best of luck, and please keep posting, and looking after your health!

mchercheur posted 4/8/2013 09:52 AM

Those kids should be with you, not with your lying cheating wife.

Also, I am so sorry to tell you this, but the wife you knew is no longer, & the marriage you had is also gone. There is always hope that she will come out of the fog, & you can both work on having an even better marriage someday with an evolved wife. But first she has to come out of the fog.

Happydays posted 4/8/2013 09:57 AM

Sorry you are here.
File for D fast.
From what she looks like she is so deep in the fog that she will hurt you with everything she can. False DV etc. Protect yourself.
The fog temperature is rising fast and will come down faster. She has made all her calculations, you need to make yours and catch up.
Engaging with her for reasoning will do you no good.
You can always get back after D if there is no scope of R right now. And there is no scope for R from where I see it.
Mine too was a Boss - Directl reportee story. I feel your pain and know how this turns out.

CrappyLife posted 4/8/2013 10:02 AM

What. The. Fuck! dude.. you have got good advice here. I will not repeat it. My heart just goes out for your kids. This is no way to treat them. Your wife sounds highly delusional.

Just one thing - If that Piece of Shit (POS) is her boss and you say you have outed your WW to family and friends, you are not looking to keep it a secret. Why not report them to HR of their company? That will surely knock them out of their fantasy la-la land.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 10:03 AM, April 8th (Monday)]

Holly-Isis posted 4/8/2013 10:09 AM

Why not report them to HR of their company? That will surely knock them out of their fantasy la-la land.


I'm sorry she's done this to you

MeanBean posted 4/8/2013 10:50 AM

Your going to have to grow a pair and take action by getting a lawyer. Don't wait for her because she has already moved on. She may be in the bubble but so are you.

keptmyword posted 4/8/2013 10:58 AM

As I have seen with my own STBXWW, this is no fog. I don't quite believe in "the fog". It gives them an excuse. She knows what she is doing and she also knows she would never have wanted anyone else to the same thing to her - especially you. This is the behavior of a coward, a runner, someone who will jump to whatever is the path of least resistance no matter who it affects or how it affects others. Right now you are presenting "resistance" to her easy path and that makes you her prime enemy.

Let your desperation quickly turn to anger and, in a controlled manner, use your anger to your advantage. From here on out deal with her with only a deliberate, cold, and steely resolve.

File for, and proceed with the divorce as though you are going to steamroll over everyone in your path. You can always attempt to reconcile afterwards, but right now it is time to show YOUR resolve for yourself and your children. You will respect yourself more, your children will watch a great example of how NOT to take shit from assholes, and believe it or not, your wayward wife will likely change her demeanor towards you.

Do not pine for, or plea, or beg, for her to come back. That will only reinforce her behavior.

Cold, steely, resolve.

[This message edited by keptmyword at 10:59 AM, April 8th (Monday)]

bluecali posted 4/8/2013 12:18 PM

Am I a fool for holding out hope that her bubble will burst and she will start to realise what she's done?

Sorry to read your story. What lousy behavior. So, most likely her bubble will burst. That seems to be the usual. But, that doesn't mean that she'll come back to you, and if she does that doesn't mean that everything is fine in your M. Lots of good advice from others, including the reading. You're in for a long journey here. Best of luck to you.

Calabro posted 4/8/2013 12:37 PM

My advise will be take care of buying her share first. If she give you hard time, expose them in their work place and go 180. Filing first gives you first hand than do it. But try to be nice to get her share from the house first.

allatsea posted 4/8/2013 13:43 PM

You are right. She's abused me more than I ever felt possible. She is not the woman I married. Why should I wait for her to come out of her bubble and end up being second best. I've just posted draft divorce papers through her door and OM opened the door to see who it was as I drove off. That should spoil their evening! Unfortunately, in this country, the guilty party is not penalised when it comes to settlement and custody. At least it shows that I'm moving on.

[This message edited by allatsea at 4:12 AM, June 14th (Friday)]

h0pe4ul posted 4/8/2013 14:02 PM

I truly have no words for what your WS did.

I cannot even fathom what you must be going through right now.

I can relate to loving someone who has no idea what true love is at times.

However, I would encourage you to, as best you can, learn to love YOU more than your WS right now bc she is only thinking of herself.

If your wife was never happy, why not tell you? She used her unhappiness with you as an excuse to cheat, lie, and then be downright disrespectful to you AND your children.

All things are possible as far as her coming to herself and realizing the damage she has done to you and your children and herself...but I would encourage you to not let that be your focus right now...

This is really hard to hear, I know, but the best person to look out for you right now is you...and your children need you to look out for them bc their mom is in a different world right now.

All that glitters isn't gold and although she may think her world is great right now, I honestly believe what goes around comes around. Just bc it looks like you are on the losing end right now, really, she is!

She may have done you a favor by doing what she did.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I truly do wish you nothing but the best, allatsea!

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