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First IC today, freaking out, wanting to hurt myself.

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Myname posted 4/8/2013 08:17 AM

So today is supposed to be my first IC appointment. I've waited months for this. As of last night I was not planning on going.

I've been having major urges to cut especially yesterday. I told SO last night that I was not going to IC today and that I really want to hurt myself. My plan is/was to do it tonight and take tomorrow off from work in case I needed time to recover. Yes, I "schedule" self harm into my life. It's like a very intense build up that I need a release from.

I have not hurt myself in about 2 months.

I don't want to go to IC. I have nothing I'm willing to talk about. But at the same time I know that my relationship with SO will never workout long term if I don't get help. No relationship (of any type) with anyone will work if I don't get help. I refuse to talk to IC about anything though.

I've been having suicidal thoughts the last week or so. Self harm, oddly enough, helps calm some of those thoughts. Which is probably why they have been getting worse lately.

I know I'm all over the place here. I'm just feeling so trapped, broken and hurt.

Sad in AZ posted 4/8/2013 08:30 AM

Speaking from a position of concern and exasperation: You're already having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of extreme self-injury. You are cognizant enough to schedule these episodes.

What is the worst that can happen by telling your IC everything??

Amazonia posted 4/8/2013 08:30 AM


You can do this.

LadyQ posted 4/8/2013 08:32 AM

Thinking of you today. You've been through a lot, and you're stronger than you know. Kudos for taking this next step in your new beginning!

MovingUpward posted 4/8/2013 08:35 AM

I have nothing I'm willing to talk about.

This will make IC very tough.

An IC can only help you as much as you are willing to be helped. Feeling broken, trapped, and hurt were feelings I had when I started going to IC. The road to healing myself was tough at first but the fruit of that work has been worth it.

I hope that you get yourself to the IC and that you be honest with them. Share with the IC what you have shared here. Maybe even copy what you wrote above out and give it to the IC for the IC to read. That would at least be a start.

Sending you mojo for strength today. You can do this. You can free yourself and be healed.

Amazonia posted 4/8/2013 08:44 AM

Myname, I think there are things you can tell your IC "safely". Start with the fact that you have a lot of social anxiety. If nothing else, that will help the IC to understand why it's so difficult for you to talk to him or her.

I also like the idea of printing this post out and letting the IC read it.

WakingFromADream posted 4/8/2013 08:46 AM

What Moo said! You can do this. One step at a time.


Amazonia posted 4/8/2013 09:16 AM

How are you doing, Myname?

Myname posted 4/8/2013 09:29 AM

Not good.
I'm sorry but I can't go.
I don't even know why I try.

courageous posted 4/8/2013 09:37 AM

You try because you don't want to be like this forever.

You try because you have a bright future ahead of you.

You try because there are many people who love you and who are there for you throughout your entire journey.

You try because you want to prove you can stop at any time.

You try because without you the world just won't be the same.

Amazonia posted 4/8/2013 09:51 AM


Survivor3512 posted 4/8/2013 10:43 AM

(((My name))) I pray you change your mind and GO to your IC appt. You can do this. You have to, because no one else can do it for you. You have to be willing to get better. And I see no reasons to want to stay hurt and broken. You are worth it. Believe it.

stretch13 posted 4/8/2013 11:30 AM

((((myname)))) one appointment. hell, 10 minutes...commit to that.

how can one IC appointment be worse than living this way every day?

we will be pushing some energy and hope your way. ((((myname)))

stretch13 posted 4/8/2013 11:31 AM

you CAN feel better than really can. even if you can't imagine how...don't worry about how...just try to believe it could be possible.

wildbananas posted 4/8/2013 11:41 AM

Maybe even copy what you wrote above out and give it to the IC for the IC to read. That would at least be a start.

That is such a good idea... you don't even have to talk, Myname... just hand over a print out and let the IC read. It's a start.

Please go, Myname... I know you're miserable. And you don't have to be. Going to the IC would be the first step in true healing.

Please, please rethink going. Baby steps.

SeanFLA posted 4/8/2013 11:43 AM

If you're not going to do it for yourself, you better be willing to do this for your SO if you want to have ANY future with her. I'm not sure if she knows these inner demons you are carrying, but I hope you've been honest with her about it. In following your story I'm really surprised you've attracted someone in this state. This is beyond hurting from divorce I feel. I don't know you personally, but from an outsider's point of view you need to man up and start finding a way to shake this monkey off your back. If you don't want to talk one on one in that kind of setting, maybe consider group therapy where you can just sit there and listen to others. then when you feel strong enough you can engage. Many of us, including myself, have felt or sometimes still do feel suicidal at times with all the crap we went through. But inside you know it just isn't right. It may be the hardest thing you've ever done to talk with someone professionally, but I can guaranty you it's not that bad. These IC's have heard it all. Give it the ol college try.

persevere posted 4/8/2013 11:44 AM

I'm with stretch, just go, pledge to meet the IC, if you can manage it, tell him how difficult this is for you. Pledge to stay at least 10 minutes.

It's hard, but you've gone without cutting for two months - you CAN do this Myname - even if you choose not to stay the whole session.

It will mean a lot to your relationship to take this step, and I can tell that is important to you.

((Myname)) You have come SO far my friend. It's one more step.

EvenKeel posted 4/8/2013 12:12 PM

Remember when you accepted the decision in your head that you needed to start the process of finding an attorney....the same thing happened to you then.

Once you got a good grasp on it in your head, you were able to go cut-free for a long period of time.

Think of this the same way - you just need to wrap your head around it first and you can do it.

You know any sort of 'in person' meeting is problematic for you. This is not an issue that will be new to an IC.

Call and see what alternatives you have with IC....will he do initial phone sessions? etc?

Please don't give up. Even if you are not ready to WILL get there!

stretch13 posted 4/8/2013 12:26 PM

you have so many people rooting for you here. stay with us, please. stay with us whether you go to your appt or not. (((myname))

[This message edited by stretch13 at 12:27 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

stretch13 posted 4/8/2013 12:26 PM

doubled up

[This message edited by stretch13 at 12:27 PM, April 8th (Monday)]

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