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He is still getting to me ....

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Looby-loo posted 4/9/2013 03:30 AM

After a lengthy silence from STBX I received a text yesterday saying "have I got any mail to collect?"

I replied "just the one"

He then text "I will pop in and collect tomorrow if that's ok?"

I text "that's fine. Could you perhaps take the box of clothes out of the back room too? I need to tidy it up over next week or so as its messy. Thanks"

He replied "yeah, will take as much as I can in my car"

He has a small 2 seated car.

He has put pretty much complete distance between us since he accused me of sending OW nasty messages via FB. It wasn't me, but he doesn't believe me. Nothing I can do.

He obviously doesn't want any more contact with me, but the divorce is at consent order stage so some contact will be necessary.

We also still have a jointly owned property which he has left me in, moving into his own rented house. He still pays half the mortgage.

He tells everyone we are civil to one another, but it doesn't feel very civil to me. He cheats and lies, moves out and calls the shots when it comes to discussions ... Which mostly turn into arguments, although I think statistically it only feels that way, HE by the way escalates the conversation to argument stage and stomps off.

His mother told me the other day that the reason he hadn't come to fix the back fence here was because he wasn't allowed to come unless I was out!!! First I heard. He's been here about 4 times over last 3 months and spoken to me,

Now, this morning he's sent a text "are you gonna be at work when I come up this morning?"

I replied "no I'm here"

So he sent "you working later? As I will come up when you are out"

I haven't replied. I don't know how to. It feels like a slap in the face!

Like he is saying he doesn't want to see my ugly mug.

He is still getting to me.

HurtsButImOK posted 4/9/2013 03:36 AM


Sounds like he is ashamed of himself and cant 'man up' to face you.

Can you tell him that he is not welcome in your home, that it is an invasion of privacy and to arrange a time that suits you or, alternatively, can you leave his stuff outside for him to collect.


Looby-loo posted 4/9/2013 03:42 AM

I just don't know how to answer him. I'm sitting here weighing up the options. No matter what I say he will characteristically make this about him.

I just don't see why he should have the freedom to walk in here when I'm out,

I would love to tell him that I will leave his stuff outside the door. I can't though as he will turn that into something else I have done wrong. It could get stolen too and there's no sense in that,

All he has to do is come up, collect his stuff and go, if he does that this morning, it's done. If he does that when I'm at work, I will sped 8 hours worrying about what he has taken.

He is torturing me.

Looby-loo posted 4/9/2013 03:46 AM

I've just replied "what's the problem with me being here?"

He can't be allowed to keep calling the shots. It's just not right.

HurtsButImOK posted 4/9/2013 04:00 AM

Is it possible to to get the locks changed because you lost your house keys and are worried about a burglary ?

You can offer to give him a new set (assuming because it is jointly owned you have to - not sure what legal advice has said) and he can pick up his shit at the same time?

HurtsButImOK posted 4/9/2013 04:04 AM

so sorry you are stuck with this. It is crazy making when they keep the power to come and go. It is not right and it is not fair.

Are there alternatives? Have you checked what you can legally do in regards to limiting his access?

Removing his power will help you to heal. As the mantra goes NC=no new hurts.

Some more hugs to you.

Looby-loo posted 4/9/2013 04:13 AM

Believe it or not, I don't want to either anger him or give him anything to say about me. He seems to be able to turn the tables and make me look like the bad guy.

I am concerned that he will stop paying the mortgage so for the most part try to keep him sweet. It doesn't take much to tip him over the edge.

God, he has just replied "because I was advised by my boss, as I guess you were too, that if I have to go to the house, to arrange to go when you were not there to avoid further clashes. That's why. ". He then goes on to say he in moving his place of work from Monday to allow me to stay where I am without any problems. We work for the same company and in fairly close proximity, so it looks like his boss has moved him. She had spoken to me and suggested I move, to which I asked her was it right that someone could cheat and lie to their wife, forcing her to lose her marriage, home, step children and now move place of work? She sounded a little shocked. I don't think she realised when she told me he was moving on with his life that he had already done this behind my back and then pulled the rug from under my life.

She seems to have advised him to keep away from me. Shame in a way, because he did say at one point that he would like to be able to come and visit with his sons, if we could work our way to that place.

Now I'm feeling confused as it feels like his boss has interfered. Perhaps she is right and I can't see it.

[This message edited by Looby-loo at 4:15 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

SBB posted 4/9/2013 05:11 AM

I would do anything/everything to avoid him. I think you need to to detach hun.

Can you put his mail in the kids bags when you do handovers?

Can you do exchanges via his mum?

I wouldn't be at all happy with him in my house unattended. No need to make a thing of it - it's better for everyone that we don't see each other unless absolutely necessary.

Fake it till you make it friend. It hurts right now but it won't feel this way forever. It's not jut time that heals though - you need to tend to the wound and look after it, treat it gently and give it lots if TLC.

Re-read the 180. Talking to him is derailing your healing - move to SMS/email. It won't appear to be a offensive move because it is also what he wants.

You can remain civil without having to interact or see him.

Tell me hun - what are you doing for you? What are you doing to help you detach?

As I said fake it till you make it. He is no good - he I a lying, cheating, cowardly POS. It takes time and practice to wean ourselves off them. I use to have to physically sit on my hands to stop myself bring sucked in. It was sheer brute willpower back then but now it is effortless.

My mantra in the early days was: "He is no longer my husband, he is no longer my love, he is no longer my best friend."

I'd also have a read of the co-dependency thread here in case you find you identify with anything in there.

NIK once said "They can press our buttons so easily because they installed the fuckers!!".

It made me laugh then and it makes me laugh now.

It stops when you say it stops. You can't control what he does but you can control how much it impact you. How painful this is is up to you too.

I don't think it's fear holding you back - I suspect hope is paralysing you. It paralysed me too.

Put yourself first - make him insignificant because he is, he really is. Your heart is just having a hard time catching up.

((Looby-loo)) I'm not trying to dismiss your feelings. They are completely normal and I've been through it myself. I'm trying to show you that you can do things to help or hinder yourself here.

I vote help.

Happydays posted 4/9/2013 05:17 AM

Tell him in a subtle way that you fear for your belongings being stolen if he comes in your absence.

When I was taking my stuff out of the house, FWW had the nerve to say, don't take DS stuff. Yeah like his clothes and toys are going to help me.
She wanted to hurt me.
I told her to honestly return anything I left behind. To this day she hasn't

[This message edited by Happydays at 5:20 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

Looby-loo posted 4/9/2013 07:30 AM

Thank you for your support this morning. HD, thank you too ... i have in the past expressed my concerns so he knows that and so far hasnt taken anything to upset me. You are right SBB, I am having a hard time detaching. It seems now he is away from me, a section of my brain is forgetting ALL the sins he has committed, all the hurt he has caused and the absolute FACT that there is no way on earth our marriage or any part of it can be salvaged. This is fact. Yet he is still in my heart, which absolutely breaks it. How can I still love someone who has broken my heart? It's because I know he didn't go out of his way to deliberately hurt me, no excuses for his behaviour really, but if he had just cheated on me I think I would have forgiven him. He just didn't want to try. It's what he has done after DD that hurts the most.

We don't have children together. He has two sons now 15 and 18 who have always lived with their mother, his first wife. They are growing up, the 18 yr old lives with his partner now and the 15 yr old, well he is 15 ... So just the wrong age to want to spend time with a 50 yr old woman who has been his step mother for the last 7 years. This is a fact of life. I can't do anything about it but to let him go. He knows I love him because I have told him and every now and then I send him a text just asking him how he is doing. Both boys have always liked me and I don't feel that has changed.

As for today. Well I phoned his boss to check what he text was true and she told me she advised him to collect as many of his belongings as possible, but PREFERABLY not to have both of us alone together when he does so, to avoid heated arguments. She witnessed us both being very upset and she made a professional decision to protect us both. She is right I suppose but it's harsh to hear. His GF is supposed to have reported receiving nasty FB messages to the police and they think it was me. His boss is trying to protect us both I reckon, particularly as it has been suggested to involve the police is something. Thankfully I didn't do that. I went to the police to offer my help, but they wouldn't confirm if anything had been reported and said they would have referred the person to their solicitor as it was not a criminal matter. The desk clerk suggested they hadn't been contacted, which is what I suspected.

Silly games. Silly games can lead to arrests and job losses. His boss is technically right. It just makes me sad to think that we can't speak in person to each other. It also makes me frustrated that I have no choice but to let him come when I am not in to collect his stuff. He won't come very often and I have nothing to hide. So far he hasn't taken anything of mine, his boss reckons he would have done that by now and she doesn't think he would do so now.

Our marriage has broken down because of his actions and of course there is a complete breakdown of trust. If I let him come over every now and then to collect his post or a few bits, I believe it will go a long way to protecting me from him acting maliciously by stopping mortgage payments and the house insurance.

I will see how it goes this evening when I get back from work. See what he takes. God, I hate having to keep him sweet.

Thanks again for your help. I needed that this morning,

PS. His boss told me where he was being moved to. He is being moved because he is in the wrong job as it is a very stressful position and his new place will reduce his hours and work pressures as well as avoid us bumping into each other of jobs, as that is a possibility if he stays where he is.

Perhaps everything does happen for a reason after all

[This message edited by Looby-loo at 7:35 AM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

SBB posted 4/9/2013 09:01 AM

Honey, gently - don't talk to his boss. Don't seek out information about hi.

NC = no new hurts.

You'll be stuck in this place for as long as you continue to entangle yourself into his life.

Your own life is sitting there waiting patiently for you.

You'll sell the house and you won't have this problem anymore. Until then - please please please start working on detaching.

ANY info about him will cause you pain. Please friend. Please don't waste another year or five stuck in this place.

I wish you knew how good your life will be. How happy you will be. How irrelevant he will be to you. I so wish you could see it and feel how it feels.

npain posted 4/9/2013 14:40 PM

Do you have a garage or someplace else you can leave his things?

Even though my house is joint owned, I have prohibited STBX from coming there when I am not home. I used to allow him to come to the house but then I realized that he was going through my things and taking things from the house when I wasnt there. So I banned him from the house and moved all his personal effects to the garage which is outside. He still has keys, but he knows that if he dares to step foot in the house, I will know and then there will be hell to pay. Especially since I am the only one paying the mortgage and all maintanance on the house for the last 15 months.

I agree that he probably is too ashamed to face you, mine cannot look me in the eye at all either. I usually have to ask him to look me in the face .

This may be a bit of a stretch--can you drop off his things? If I didnt have somewhere else to put his belongings, I would have taken the time to take his stuff to him, anything to get his things out of my space.

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