Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: kdeegandy (46044)

User Topic: Do you always hit an anger stage?
HurtsButImOK
♀ 38865
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 4:12 AM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am relatively new to the whole rollercoaster. just over 5 months from final DDay.

I have not yet hit the anger. Was looking forward to it, figured it would help me focus and move forward in great determined bounds. Hell it was a welcome idea whilst going through the despair and utter, utter sadness.

Instead I find myself fluctuating between small surges of anger before cycling back to sadness and I guess acceptance.

I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow, am about to go nuclear (in a very business like way) on his pathetic ass but would love some righteous anger right at the minute.

Is it normal not to get anger or could it be that it just hasnt hit yet?


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
lonelylost
♀ 36784
Member # 36784
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You were together a pretty long time...maybe it hasn't hit yet?

My anger happened right away and I made several life changing decisions during it.


Divorced Jan 2013

"Don't look back, the road is long."
- Needtobreathe


Posts: 210 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: IL
stretch13
♀ 26894
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it hasn't hit yet. it will. if it doesn't, it's hiding somewhere. my IC told me after i had healed quite a lot and made my appointments infrequent that he was happy with where i was but didn't think i'd really faced the anger yet. i thought he was nuts, i'd been pissed for two years. but he was right...there is an anger that comes from righteous indignation that pops out anytime i'm provoked. and yes, it works well to get my ass moving when i'm being a softy.

the best way i know how to find it is to talk to a friend about all the nasty things he did that pissed you off. don't apologize or feel bad about saying mean things. don't worry that you are "painting too harsh a picture" of your M...just VENT your ass off!! you want this to be someone full of "hell yeah!"'s and "fuck that guy!"'s.

you can also do it here...or in a journal. COMPLAIN. don't even worry about whether or not what you are bitching about is technically true or not....just go through all those things until you are saying, "yeah fucker!!" (or whatever you feel comfortable blurting out with enmity). don't worry about what he would say or has said about you or your M. this is about your feelings!!

your "HurtsButImOk" user name says a lot. you want others to know how strong you are, how dignified. but you aren't ok. you will be one day, but you aren't right now. you are surviving, you are strong, you are muscling through this, but you are not ok. no one in your shoes is ok. you are in shock, still. you are MISERABLE, TERRIFIED, depressed, confused, blown away...a million things that aren't anything like ok.

give yourself permission to not be ok. we have to fake it for others, but not for ourselves, at least not all the time. give yourself permission to lose your shit and be angry - irrationally, furiously, hysterically angry...not "appropriately" angry, or angry-but-on-the-high-road. get on the low road and get pissed. it's not even really the low road, it just feels that way to people like us. you don't have to stay pissed all the time or on a low road or what feels like one...but we all know you are better than that so let go and allow yourself to not be ok. being "ok" throughout this is denial. seriously. maybe if you could admit you aren't ok, you could get pissed at him for putting you in this position.


[This message edited by stretch13 at 12:37 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
stretch13
♀ 26894
Member # 26894
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i forgot (((((HurtsButImOK))))


http://www.facebook.com/hardheadpress
http://www.amazon.com/Eli-Ely-Ezekiel-Tyrus/dp/0986042900/

http://hardheadpress.com/

life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac


Posts: 3929 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: east coast
lost4now
♀ 21634
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, April 9th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It likely hasn't hit yet. Just wait!!! When my STBXH's back was up against the wall at our first mediator session he told some financial lies and THAT brought out my anger. BIG TIME!!! He did NOT know what hit him. I still have the anger, it comes and goes in waves now. It propels me forward!!!!

Peace to you!


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
HurtsButImOK
♀ 38865
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, April 10th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks lonelylost, stretch13 and lost4now.

really appreciate the responses.

stretch13, thank you for the reminder that I dont need to be okay. I am allowed to feel everything. I needed that today.

I made big decisions pretty much immediately (moved house/changed states and changed jobs) so I think the anger might be lurking under the overwhelming amount of crap to process. I also lost a lot of face time with a real life support network due to the changes (albeit the changes were necessary logistically to make).

thank you all so very much


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou


Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 6

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.