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Do you always hit an anger stage?

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HurtsButImOK posted 4/9/2013 04:12 AM

I am relatively new to the whole rollercoaster. just over 5 months from final DDay.

I have not yet hit the anger. Was looking forward to it, figured it would help me focus and move forward in great determined bounds. Hell it was a welcome idea whilst going through the despair and utter, utter sadness.

Instead I find myself fluctuating between small surges of anger before cycling back to sadness and I guess acceptance.

I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow, am about to go nuclear (in a very business like way) on his pathetic ass but would love some righteous anger right at the minute.

Is it normal not to get anger or could it be that it just hasnt hit yet?

lonelylost posted 4/9/2013 12:25 PM

You were together a pretty long time...maybe it hasn't hit yet?

My anger happened right away and I made several life changing decisions during it.

stretch13 posted 4/9/2013 12:34 PM

it hasn't hit yet. it will. if it doesn't, it's hiding somewhere. my IC told me after i had healed quite a lot and made my appointments infrequent that he was happy with where i was but didn't think i'd really faced the anger yet. i thought he was nuts, i'd been pissed for two years. but he was right...there is an anger that comes from righteous indignation that pops out anytime i'm provoked. and yes, it works well to get my ass moving when i'm being a softy.

the best way i know how to find it is to talk to a friend about all the nasty things he did that pissed you off. don't apologize or feel bad about saying mean things. don't worry that you are "painting too harsh a picture" of your M...just VENT your ass off!! you want this to be someone full of "hell yeah!"'s and "fuck that guy!"'s.

you can also do it here...or in a journal. COMPLAIN. don't even worry about whether or not what you are bitching about is technically true or not....just go through all those things until you are saying, "yeah fucker!!" (or whatever you feel comfortable blurting out with enmity). don't worry about what he would say or has said about you or your M. this is about your feelings!!

your "HurtsButImOk" user name says a lot. you want others to know how strong you are, how dignified. but you aren't ok. you will be one day, but you aren't right now. you are surviving, you are strong, you are muscling through this, but you are not ok. no one in your shoes is ok. you are in shock, still. you are MISERABLE, TERRIFIED, depressed, confused, blown away...a million things that aren't anything like ok.

give yourself permission to not be ok. we have to fake it for others, but not for ourselves, at least not all the time. give yourself permission to lose your shit and be angry - irrationally, furiously, hysterically angry...not "appropriately" angry, or angry-but-on-the-high-road. get on the low road and get pissed. it's not even really the low road, it just feels that way to people like us. you don't have to stay pissed all the time or on a low road or what feels like one...but we all know you are better than that so let go and allow yourself to not be ok. being "ok" throughout this is denial. seriously. maybe if you could admit you aren't ok, you could get pissed at him for putting you in this position.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 12:37 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

stretch13 posted 4/9/2013 13:03 PM

i forgot (((((HurtsButImOK))))

lost4now posted 4/9/2013 14:53 PM

It likely hasn't hit yet. Just wait!!! When my STBXH's back was up against the wall at our first mediator session he told some financial lies and THAT brought out my anger. BIG TIME!!! He did NOT know what hit him. I still have the anger, it comes and goes in waves now. It propels me forward!!!!

Peace to you!

HurtsButImOK posted 4/10/2013 02:33 AM

thanks lonelylost, stretch13 and lost4now.

really appreciate the responses.

stretch13, thank you for the reminder that I dont need to be okay. I am allowed to feel everything. I needed that today.

I made big decisions pretty much immediately (moved house/changed states and changed jobs) so I think the anger might be lurking under the overwhelming amount of crap to process. I also lost a lot of face time with a real life support network due to the changes (albeit the changes were necessary logistically to make).

thank you all so very much

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