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Esseboria posted 4/9/2013 17:24 PM

I’m not sure if this goes in the Just Found Out section but I am brand new to the forum and am going through infidelity issues with my Fiance. Sorry if this is difficult to follow, I am a wreck right now
To make a long story as short as possible, A year ago my boyfriend at the time and I were in a rough patch. We were having communication problems and honestly, the relationship was far from perfect for the both of us. I very much connect intimacy with emotions. I cannot be intimate with someone when I am stressed, angry, or having issues in the relationship. So, over the course of that year, he and I were probably having sex a couple time a month. He couldn’t take the lack of physical intimacy. We tried to talk about it but I ended up feeling used and pressured and the sex was unauthentic and just plain bad at times. Reaching is breaking point, my Fiance saw a sign for a place to get a cheap massage one day.

Turns out it was a “special massage place”. He got one. He never told me. Over the course of the next year he returned and got about 5 special massages. The last one happened just 3 months after we got engaged. After the last massage he contracted a viral skin infection on his genital area. I was still in the dark. He said he panicked, didn't want to loose me so he lied and swore to me that it was from yoga. I believed him. I had not reason not to. We stopped having sex until the infection was apparently cleared up. We had begun counseling (thought he never mentioned the cheating there) and our relationship was improving tremendously. The intimacy was even beginning to come back. That was until last November when I showed got the infection. Then he got really weird. I could tell something was up. Some days later he confessed the whole situation. He said he felt terrible and could not continue his lie now that I was at risk. He begged me to take a chance at staying in the relationship.

I agreed to try. I asked him a millions questions. And although he hated answering in such detail, he was always willing to “do what it took” to put my mind at ease and be honest. I have just taken this one day at a time; sometimes wanting to go, sometimes wanting to stay. Certain things worried me. My trust in him is broken and Sometimes he seemed to get angry and blame my actions for his happy ending affair. Later he would apologize and explain that her feels demonized when I played a part in our relationship troubles as well. I told him that I was worried that this was just the tip of the iceberg. He vowed that He told me EVERYTHING that happened. I thought he was working so hard to be transparent.

Then two nights ago, I had a few more questions to ask him. I asked some more details about his behavior and I asked if he had ever gone to a happy ending massage place any other time in his life other than the times he told me and he said no he had never ever done it before. I trusted his responses and went to be thinking that he was being so honest and working so hard to help me heal and trust him

Then last night he confessed that he lied again. He had been to a massage parlor before (years ago). He also told me that he lied about his original confession story last November. He told me he had only gone to one massage shop and then it closed down and he never went again. In actuality, after it closed down he looked in the newspaper ads for another place in town and went there. He sought it out and that is where he got the infection.

Honestly, I don’t really care about the subject matter of these new lies. More than anything his ability to lie to me so easially and point blank is hurtful. Soo many times he’s lied to me and now, when he is supposed to be taking care of me and earning back trust he goes into self preservation mode and lies again. He didn’t want to look like a scum bag. He didn’t want to hurt me. I get it, but I gave him the perfect opportunity to be honest and he lied.
Though I have no where to go,

I think I am beyond reconciliation at this point. Who knows what he has/will lie about? Thoughts, advice?

27yearsnowlost posted 4/9/2013 18:43 PM

Sorry you found yourself here. My WH went on craiglist to find some to give him happy endings. I have been married 27 years and found out a month ago. I was totally blindsided. He said he told me everything....but it is hard to believe him. I'm trying to work threw the anger.
First thing I did was read all the healing section in the yellow box on the top left.
I feel your pain.

Mauimom1 posted 4/9/2013 19:39 PM

My husband was also involved with Asian massage parlors. He initially confessed to an EA with an employee that had had not progressed to a PA yet. He confessed to massage parlors when I scheduled a polygraph test. We've been married 15 years, 2 children and have been in R a year. The pain and those mental mind movies don't go away. I don't know if I'll ever trust him again. I keep careful watch on him with monitoring him on find my I phone. I have made a commitment to get a full panel std test every year by my ob/gyn. It's not a fun way to live. If I weren't so invested in this relationship of 20 years I would definetly leave. I feel your pain but be careful before you decide to marry this man. Marriages go through many ups and downs sexually and it is not an excuse to go outside to get those needs met. I would consider yourself lucky you found out about this before you're married.

dameia posted 4/9/2013 19:49 PM

My WH (wayward husband) visited many, many prostitutes during the early part of our marriage. It all started with him getting a topless massage that ended with a handjob.

You don't say how old you are. I'm going with the assumption that you are young to mid 20's. Please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

Your WF (wayward fiance) is lying to protect himself. He might also think he is protecting you by not hurting you with the entire truth, but in reality it just makes everything more painful for you.

No one can tell you what to do...to go or to stay. All I can tell you is that if I found out about my husband whoring around when it first started I would have left. I would have been young, only had one daughter, and relatively debt free. Now I have 3 kids, I'm 32 and haven't worked in the past 11 years, making it virtually impossible to get a job that pays a living wage, we have a mortgage, car payment, etc. Think long and hard about whether you want to devote anymore time to a person who disrespected you and put you at risk for any number of diseases.

allusions posted 4/9/2013 20:52 PM

I recommend you get tested for all STDs. You didn't say what kind of viral skin infection it was but the fact that you both got it in the genital area makes me wonder what else you may have been exposed to.

fromthisdayfwd posted 4/9/2013 20:53 PM

Please, please; please be very particular about who you choose to marry. That person will affect the REST of your life. You will likely have children with this person who will then be affected by your husband as their Daddy ... the rest of their lives. You GET TO CHOOSE. Choose wisely.

Think of this: If your daughter or best friend told you this story and asked you, 'Should I marry him?' what would you answer?

Personally, is sounds to me like you would be choosing a very hard life and a very difficult problem filled marriage.

Sumrlady posted 4/9/2013 21:14 PM

I'm not sure how you get a viral skin infection from a handjob. I'd suggest you get a full STD testing done, including herpes (if you don't specifically ask for it they won't test for it). And dump him. No need for you to knowingly sign up for a relationship that you know is going to be nothing less than a lifetime of trouble, hurt and betrayal. Have faith; you'll find love again. This just isn't the guy.

Missymomma posted 4/9/2013 23:39 PM

When I hear that someone has been with prostitutes and continues to lie about how many and when, the red flags fly. Please check out www.sexhelp.com to see if this might fit. It is possible that your WBF is a sex addict. I am not saying that he is but it is a distinct possibility, with these parameters.

Take care of yourself. Do not have unprotected sex. Get an STD screening. It is very likely that there is even more. So sorry that you find yourself here. It is a very hard place when your SO is using prostitutes. At first mine didn't admit to sex with any of them. Then just hand jobs. Then blow jobs. Finally, there was intercourse with a few. It progressed in the time he started using them. Take anything he tells you with a huge grain of salt. Rigorous honesty takes quite a while for someone that has been lying for a long time.

Esseboria posted 4/14/2013 16:47 PM

Thank you all for the advice/ feedback. I immediately got tested for STD's after he told me and was clear. Most of you consider this a blessing in disguise; the ability to see a cheater for what he is before marriage. Deep down I know you are right. I am relatively young. Late 20's, no children, awesome career ahead of me, great family and friends. It comes down to fear. I am afraid I will miss him. I am afraid I will be miserable without him. I am afraid I will never find someone else like him (the good qualities). I am afraid I will end up alone. I am afraid to face my family and friends with a broken engagement.

On the other hand, If I choose to reconcile, I am afraid he will continue lying. I am afraid that he will think he "got away with it" and eventually continue with unfaithful behavior, I am afraid that I will be settling, I am afraid that I will feel this terrible gnawing depressions and anxiety for the rest of my life

DrivingPast posted 4/14/2013 20:43 PM

Im sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I dont believe anything he is saying to you. From your other posts as well, he does not sound even remorseful.

Massage parlors are a dime a dozen. Prostitutes, easy to find, easy to account for that 30 dollars or 10 minutes being late. Do you really want to live your life wondering where he is and who he is with? FOREVER. Like others said, people who do such things usually progress those behaviors. Do you want to have children with a man who is deviant sexually? Who is bringing home diseases? Who is not trustworthy? Hes done it before meeting you. Hes still lying about it(I wouldnt be surprised if theres much more to this). Hes blaming you (which is NOT because you werent having enough sex). Does that really sound like he will stop completely right this second?

I know its hard to walk away. Just think long and hard before marrying this man. And trust what he shows you he is, not what he says.

Themusicdied posted 4/15/2013 12:05 PM

On the other hand, If I choose to reconcile, I am afraid he will continue lying. I am afraid that he will think he "got away with it" and eventually continue with unfaithful behavior, I am afraid that I will be settling, I am afraid that I will feel this terrible gnawing depressions and anxiety for the rest of my life

All of these fears are valid. Read this again and trust what you are telling yourself.