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rumorhasit posted 4/9/2013 22:17 PM

Me - 29
That woman- 42

We aren't married. Due to financial problems I live with my parents and he with his. We've known each other twelve years. Dated for two, then stayed friends until a few years ago. He has a six year old daughter who I have helped care for since she was two. I love her like my own. Together we have a two year old son.
We bickered, like any other couple. Due to living circumstances, intimacy was hard to come by. We managed about once a week though.
A few weeks ago an aquaintence of his asked him to go hiking. I can't hike due to a bad hip. I tried to be okay with it but him being alone with another woman made me nervous, we had had a problem before. I asked him to be careful. I asked to meet her. I never did. I only found out they'd been hanging out after the fact. She always needed help with something.
Bickering got worse.... no, he got worse. More impatient, withdrawn. I tried gently to find out what was wrong. He wouldn't tell me. I knew he was doing all his talking to this woman.
Sunday night he dropped a bomb- he'd been feeling suicidal. He was depressed. Then he cut me off and wouldn't talk. Yesterday morning he said he needed "me time" "no stress or arguing", time to himself. He had been venting about me to her. Because of our difficulty getting alone time, she told him it sounded to her like I was trying to get pregnant again. (This is insane. Our son wasnt even an accident.) Even after asking me, he believed her not me. Said he didnt know what he wanted. Tired of not being listened to, tired of being pushed away, sobbing, I changed my FB status to single. I shouldnt have. I just felt broken. I think hes been staying at her place.
He then changed his status to "In a domestic partnership" with her. He did it to hurt me. I changed mine sure but he took it a step much too far. I dont know why he is so actively trying to hurt me and our family. Why he listens to her. I don't know what I've done to deserve this. If he did not want to be with me, if he had become taken with her, he could just say it. I don't know why he is dragging me and the kids through this hell. I ama wreck. And he is with her.

Holly-Isis posted 4/10/2013 07:32 AM


I'm sorry you're in such pain.

Changing your FB status had nothing to do with his choices.

I know it hurts. Maybe he'll wake up to the truth, maybe he won't. Right now he's chosen a lying cougar and at some point, that will bite him in the butt.

Read in the Healing Library, especially BS FAQs #11. This is called the 180. It will help you begin to focus on you and your healing.

rumorhasit posted 4/10/2013 08:42 AM

Thank you, Holly. I will go read that.
I just feel numb.

Holly-Isis posted 4/10/2013 10:33 AM


It's like the knowledge of the world we knew, the person we knew- it isn't real- it empties us. At least that was my experience. Pain, then emptiness, then the cycle began again.

Do you have anyone IRL that you can also reach out to for support?

rumorhasit posted 4/10/2013 14:56 PM

Yes. And I'm meeting a friend at bible study tomorrow. She is going to talk for me and ask for some prayers. My best friend brought me dinner last night. My poor two year old didn't get dinner until 10 pm and his bedtime is 9:30. My parents got home from their trip last night. I don't want to tell them bcs I don't know what is going to happen. I smiled, but my mom could tell in ten seconds that something was very wrong. I told her I'm okay. I'm trying to act fine.

I'm not okay. I'm nauseous, I've thrown up twice (not while crying) I'm so anxious that anything I eat goes through me like I am a cavewoman being chased by a bear. I keep taking these deep gasping breaths like I can't get enough air or am holding my breath. I havent cried today though. But I'm not managing, I'm not okay. I am trying to get in to see a therapist in the next couple of days.

rumorhasit posted 4/10/2013 15:29 PM

Now he posted this pic on facebook

And said "what if you experienced the opposite?" I have had NC with him for two days. Why is he so trying to hurt me? I am not perfect but I am a good kind woman. I try to be grateful and supportive and understanding. What about what HE'S doing? Has he been good to me? Not lately. So hurt.

Holly-Isis posted 4/10/2013 16:05 PM

Wow. He's trying to feed the drama llama

Look, he's got issues. He has children by two different mothers. He's cheating with an older woman. Not hugely older, but still enough to make you wonder if he's looking for a mommy-wife, KWIM?

Block him from your FB. Then you can't see when he does dumb crap like this. He seems determined to be an idiot. You need to seek a lawyer, borrow money if you have to, and get a legal order for CS and custody written up. There have been members that had their children taken by the other parent. You need the law on your side.

Communicate with him through email and texts so you have a record of what is said but also so you have time to consider a response. Keep to discussing your child and any finances you two share. Ignore everything else. This will give you emotional distance and protect your heart somewhat.

People that are cheating usually do so because there's something off balance within them. They try to balance it by bringing another person in to make them feel better about themselves. Like a crutch. So, do your best to stay NC with him and that he's NC with you. Blocking him on FB and other accounts like that will help with that.

Reach out to whoever you need for support. He sure will be giving his own spin on things. Keep in mind you can't untell people. So if you think that person won't be supportive if you do happen to R, don't tell.

Keep breathing, keep pushing fluids. Eat what you can. Some people say that drinking Ensure helps you get your nutrients. Focus on what motivates you to continue day by day. For me, it was my kids. Allow yourself a time to retreat and cry or yell, punch a pillow, something to get these feelings out. But also allow yourself to be open to those moments of joy that come up, usually in the form of your DS. I love the age his is now. To me, two year olds are the best. DD was two on d-day and having to be there, taking care of her, helped me keep moving.

rumorhasit posted 4/10/2013 18:47 PM

I have thought about that, that he is just looking for someone to take care of him. This economy has been hard on him, he's had periods of unemployment and works two part time jobs atm. He worries about being able to provide for his children. I offered to get a job (I used to work in childcare, my odds of gainful employment are statistically higher than his) and he expressed a desire for me to continue to stay home with our son. I didn't argue because I love being home with him. Now I am going to look for a job, not for "US" (what us?) But for me and my own sense of empowerment.
So it's entirely possible that the idea of someone else to pay his bills, to get him out of his parents house (i hope they box up his stuff and redo the room asap if he truly leaves. It'd be the best thing for him) etc was very enticing to him.

So hes left, he is with the OW, I am not bothering him. Why is he still trying to passive aggressively come at me? He got what he wanted.

Holly-Isis posted 4/10/2013 19:47 PM

My guess is he wants to see you care. Someone with an intact ego doesn't cheat. You're not falling down, begging him back. That's actually a good thing for you and even for him. He gets to see OW for who she is without having you there to turn all his negative feelings on.

And you? You get dignity and aren't a person that gets his negative feelings heaped on you.

I know this is hard and you're likely having sleepless nights. Rely on your faith to bring you comfort.

rumorhasit posted 4/10/2013 23:30 PM

Really looking forward to bible study tomorrow.
Staying focused on the 180. Trying to make some fun plans for Saturday. And buying a new top for myself thats not even on sale because I deserve it!

rumorhasit posted 4/11/2013 01:59 AM

I should be sleeping. But I'm crying. He is sleeping with her and I am all alone. I feel worthless. Like I'll never give a man enough sex to keep him happy. Like I'm probably no comparison to her in bed.

And I am angry because its exposed, the secret is out. Why isn't he asking for forgiveness? Why does he stay with that woman? I don't want to talk to him because I feel like all he will say is basically "I'm sorry you're hurting, but it wasnt working, and look how happy I am. Dont you want me to be happy?" And its such bs.

HurtsButImOK posted 4/11/2013 02:17 AM

Im so very sorry you are going through this.

The pain is just huge. Take it one minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

I'll never give a man enough sex to keep him happy

^^^This^^^ is not the problem, if he was a good and decent man he would not have chosen to have an A. This is not your fault, at all, in anyway.

Hugs, so very sorry for your pain.

ETA - I dont know why they dont ask for forgiveness. I have just decided in my case it is because he is a selfish and entitled dick. To ask for forgiveness would mean admitting he had done wrong. It doesnt gel with the 'good guy' image.

ETA2 - let the 'secret' out, dont let it make you feel humilated. It was not your fault. You are not to be judged by this. I hid my secret for a bit too, you know what I say now to anybody that asks about him 'I didnt like any of his girlfriends so we broke up'. I think I stole it off someone here but you know what, it does the trick without having to give sordid details.

[This message edited by HurtsButImOK at 2:28 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]

Dawn58 posted 4/11/2013 10:20 AM

So sorry you are going through this. I was numb and in shock for the first few weeks. Try to take care of yourself, so you can be there for your son. The emotional roller coaster can be pretty intense, so please post and reach out for support. There are amazing people out here that are waiting to hear from you.

rumorhasit posted 4/11/2013 18:03 PM

I have a therapy appt scheduled for tomorrow. I hope shes ready for some chick to come in her office and cry for an hour.

Went to bible study this morning. It was good. I lost it halfway through and the table leader took me aside and asked what was wrong and prayed for me. Got some hugs.

Then i went to the mall. For years i have ordered bras online, a size 42g-i depending. Today at the store I tried on a 46DDD on a whim. It fit. Its the first underwire I have wotn since gettinh pregnant. It is the first bra I have bought in a store in five years. And they were on clearance for ten bucks. Ten! So i bought three. One has roses on it. It is the first pretty bra i have ever had. I havd always had white and black before. I got a zebra print phone case. I let the silly kiosk lady curl my hair and attempt to sell me a $100 curling iron. And my son and I rode the mall train. I was almost euphoric. Then I came home and now I'm back to being sad.

Jospehine85 posted 4/11/2013 19:12 PM

You will be up and down for a while rumor. That is perfectly normal.

Maintain NC. Stay out of his drama. Let him have to explain to people what he sees in a woman old enough to be him mother.

Meanwhile, get legal counsel so you don't have to worry about your son.

rumorhasit posted 4/11/2013 19:50 PM

What do I do if he does ask to talk about all of this? In terms of trying to do the 180 and be cordial but... I am not ready to talk. And for the first time since I've known him... I want someone there to mediate. I do not know who.
I feel like I will be unnecessarily mean.... like... "For someone you weren't attracted to, you sure jumped in bed with her quick." Or "If nothing was going on, why did you yell at your daughter's mom that you had a gf that made 75k a year? I don't make that much. And I thought, that on Friday.... your gf was still me."

My poor son... he hasn't seen daddy or sister since Sunday. Daddy hasnt asked to see him. Someone knocks on the door, I know he runs, thinking its daddy... I'm sure he is horribly disapointed when its not.

I am afraid this man is going to feel this hate toward me forever.

rumorhasit posted 4/11/2013 19:50 PM

I can't afford a lawyer... but the idea of either the kids in that womans house makes me sick.

[This message edited by rumorhasit at 7:53 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]

ArkLaMiss posted 4/11/2013 22:22 PM

Go for a free consult with a lawyer. You need to get the ball rolling on child support asap.
Sorry you're here!

BrighterFuture posted 4/11/2013 23:15 PM

Hey, I just want to encourage you. I have the same fears as you. I'm lying here in bed thinking why he isn't with me and who he's probably sleeping with. I also wonder why he can't apologize and promise to work on himself because that's the minimum I'm asking and I'll forgive him. But if he can't do that then I will not force this relationship and will let it go no matter how much it hurts me right now. I believe God will see us through and we'll be ok. I'm holding on to my faith too!

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 11:19 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]

rumorhasit posted 4/12/2013 01:12 AM

My table leader at church today told me that Satan is on a mission in the world to break up families. I don't want mine to fall apart...

I just keep focusing on the therapy appointment...

And reminding myself that I was not an awful partner, that he made a selfish choice.

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