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Wife had one night stand and I am having a rough time

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tdreampol posted 4/9/2013 22:46 PM

Its so crazy, not sure where to post or what to say. I have not told a single person minus talking about it with my wife so this may be a brain dump. Also I don't know all the acronyms here and I am pretty emotional ugh It has been about 6 months since I found out. Our marriage had been going south for a while and both of us had been not attentive to each others needs. I was going through fairly severe depression and she thought our marriage was over.

Some douche bag coworker guy took advantage in her time of need and she slept with him three times in one night, I am told by her a few things #1 that they had made out and not had sex but been half naked and she tried to leave and was at his door leaving but he kept seducing her physically and she finally gave in. She says the first time was terrible and short, but she figured since she had ruined our marriage she may as well have some good sex and they tried a few more times that night and she has told me the sex was pretty good (hard to hear)

Believe it or not, my wife had only been with me previously to this and we had been married 15 years and have three kids, she has been very faithful and I NEVER imagined she could do something like this. Also I had gained a bit of weight and this guy was ex military so I totally feel compared. However I have since lost the weight and now get hit on all the time. So that feels nice. Before I knew what had happened, I felt her pulling away. I am still VERY much in love with her, but she figured once I found out it would be over. I told her (before I knew) that I want a great life and relationship. And I could tell she was hurting very badly. After a few weeks, she basically blurted it out. Took ownership of the entire thing, and was completely broken.

She told me about all of it, about how they used protection and how the third time they had sex the condom fell off and how she thought she was pregnant for a while but was not (I have had a vasectomy) Rough night, but I figured I can't kick my wife to the curb for one bad night, so I forgave her pretty much on the spot. But I told her I would be pretty messed up for a long time and if she could deal with that, she said she could. She obviously had to talk to this guy a few times (given that he thought she was pregnant with his kid) and she worked with him. She did lie to me once about meeting him at the park, but it does seem that it was to shut him down.

Other than that, from what I can tell she has been totally honest. The guy did turn out to be terrible and basically started emotionally abusing her, tried to get her drunk once to take advantage again. Suggest they have sex again multiple times. I think she was flattered, but to my knowledge and belief she only had sex the one night with him. Interestingly enough I had to throw down and run him out because he would not leave her alone, so that was a nice victory. She has since said I was her knight in shinning armor. Also she quit her job to never see this person again. Then called him on the phone and talked to him about all the shitty things he did and that she would NEVER see him again. He tried to contact her on facebook (she had already unfriended) and she told him again to never contact and blocked him. Sadly the job loss did leave us in a bit of a financial pickle, but we can survive for a while on my income. Certainly the right thing to do.

This has been VERY hard on both of us, some nights I wake up and she is saying "im so stupid" over and over. She has cried her eyes out over it as have I. Our relationship has actually gotten MUCH better to the point of fantastic and we are VERY in love. Its pretty cool. However I get god awful triggers from the entire thing. The guy has a very common name and that triggers shit, as well as a common looking truck as well as military things. IT SUCKS. Some times I think about them together and it kills me. My wife and I seem to be having a good amount of GREAT sex now, but sometimes its hard for me. But I have not been with someone else in so long, I wonder if sex feels like sex or if it feels really different with someone else? I have fears that the best sex she ever had was with him. Even though she claims otherwise. I am a VERY confident person and this really shattered that. Sometimes when she kisses my chest or whatever I wonder if she did that with him (probably) My wife has been willing to talk thought pretty much all of it, even though it kills her to have been unfaithful. In fact she has triggers as well, and she now has classic abuse symptoms. I don't want to be sadomasochistic and it almost killed her so I don't want to talk it to death. And it seem she really has done everything right moving forward. But it torments me almost daily. I have not told anyone because I don't want to hurt her reputation, I don't think she should not be seen as a virtuous women because of one mistake.

The entire thing did drive us together and we feel a close bond, so I am confident we will be ok moving forward. We have a lot of work to do. But it seems like it will end up ok. But dear god, how long will these triggers last? When will I stop thinking about it?

Anyway, sorry about the long first post. Thanks for letting me vent.

[This message edited by tdreampol at 10:49 PM, April 9th (Tuesday)]

h0peless posted 4/10/2013 00:14 AM

I'm sorry you're here with us. This is an awful thing to go through and unfortunately all too common.

The question I kept asking myself while reading your post is: what is she doing to fix herself? Marriages are cyclical. They have their ups and downs. A healthy person weathers the downs because the ups are really worth it. She chose to make an unhealthy choice and cheat. She needs help. You most likely do to as you have experienced a horrible trauma.

It does sound like you have something to work with. She told you what happened and it sounds like she is remorseful. However, action is required to heal from this sort of thing. She needs to figure out why she made that choice (and not the superficial why but the deeper one that is a major character flaw that needs fixing) before she can be a safe partner.

Your curiosity about sleeping with someone else is natural but please don't act on it. Your integrity is the most valuable thing you have and unless you divorce your wife, it is not appropriate for you to sleep with someone else, even though she did.

tdreampol posted 4/10/2013 07:52 AM

Certainly, I agree. I have no interest in an affair myself period. Years ago, I never understood them. Even how you could get the opportunity to have one. But now I know how easy it is, and how easy it would be for me if I wanted to. Getting cheated on opens the door to temptation in a different way, I think only a person who has experienced it would understand. I am getting in good shape and am a very outgoing, funny person so I get a fair amount of attention from women now, but I CLOSE THE DOOR. I talk about my wife and make sure everyone knows where I stand.

As far as why did she make the choice to cheat I believe here are the reasons.

And I am sure as most stories goes there is a lot more to them then what is easy to type. So here goes, sorry if it is to much.

#1 She was treated like crap growing up, mom was a manipulator and dad was pretty much absent. They (her and her siblings) did what they wanted most of there lives with very little discipline. My wife, and I am very proud of her chose healthy things most of her life, in general. Everyone makes mistakes as they go, but overall she always wanted better. But the feeling of not being loved by her family was tough at times. Later once we had kids we did actually cut her parents out completely. A VERY health thing.

#2 We got married probably to young and that led her to feel a bit out of control in life.

#3 We pushed each other away allot! She would treat me crappy, not even on purpose and I would shut down. We read the 5 love languages and where not meeting each others needs at all. Hers being physical needs and service, where mine being words and time. We had lots of good sex over the years, but the last few years leading up to the short A our sex life had been just ok leaving her HUGE need unmet as well as my needs for good words. This put her in a place of physical temptation but me in a place of EA temptation big time.

#4 She thought our marriage was over and was heart broken, she often feels like a failure in life and this didnt help.

#5 Her job was basically being eliminated that she had worked so hard for, (the one she ended up quitting early anyway) this added to the feeling that no one wanted her a list that at the time sadly included me. In fact she told me if she was not going to lose her job this would never have happened. It knocked her down to the "lowest she has ever been in her life"

#6 Body issues, she is a stunningly beautiful women and even when she thinks she is "fat" she is not. She does have a c-section scare and a small pooch from three kids and her boobes sag a bit from children but she looks AMAZING even without trying but she focus's on the negative. I have NEVER said anything bad about her looks, but she grew up as "the smart one" and her sister was "the pretty one" but both of them are smart AND beautiful. So when I guy told her how beautiful she was that was not her husband it was like crack.

#7 She stood in temptations way far to long. She knew she should have just gotten out the door, and she didn't this is one of her biggest regrets. But no one is strong enough to resist temptation forever.

So I think it was literally a perfect storm of shit that caused the mindset. We are addressing almost all of these issues one way or another. We have learned very much how to communicate openly and it has truly been amazing. But some days suck SO BAD!

lieshurt posted 4/10/2013 08:06 AM

She knew she should have just gotten out the door

Actually, she should have never gone inside in the first place. You are painting your WS as the victim here. Stop doing that. By making her the victim you are basically saying she isn't responsible for the cheating. She is. She made the choice to interact with her coworker, be with him and have sex with him multiple times. She needs to own that.

Also, I think there is more to this story, so be prepared for more "truth" to come out.

tdreampol posted 4/10/2013 08:16 AM

You are correct, and she says that as well. That she went to his house and put herself in that position. So yes I believe she does own it.

Honestly I have not told the entire story, this is the first time I have talked with anyone else about it, so it is kind of poring out.

The long term is that she was hanging out at a bar with a bunch of coworkers. They where all supposed to go to his house to hang out. So she went over there, but no one else came over. He made a move and they made out. Then the next weekend she went over to his house, imo to make out again. Not necessarily to have sex, but then see my first post. I think she wanted to leave me to be with him for about a week while she was "in the fog" then saw in a hurry what a tool he was. All the while I was trying to improve our marriage before I knew anything. So I would say it was a Small EA and Small PA for about 3-4 weeks. With two days of anything physical and one of those days being sex. I believe this is all to the story. And I know that there is now NC and she very much dislikes this person so, that makes life a bit better.

lieshurt posted 4/10/2013 08:28 AM

No, I'm referring to things such as:

1. The sex was bad, so she kept doing it to have some good sex.

Don't think so.

2. The guy did turn out to be terrible and basically started emotionally abusing her, tried to get her drunk once to take advantage again.

How could he do this if they weren't still involved at that time? Again, this is more of the "my wife was the victim" thinking. She participated in this and made the choice to become involved with him.

3. She told me about all of it, about how they used protection and how the third time they had sex the condom fell off and how she thought she was pregnant for a while but was not

It is extremely rare that a woman would get pregnant from this one occurrence of a condom falling off. Most likely, they didn't use a condom at all during their escapades.

Hopefully, you've gone to get STD testing done.

In fact she has triggers as well, and she now has classic abuse symptoms.

What abuse? Be careful she isn't playing you to get you to back off of addressing this. Many do this to maintain control of the situation and a lot of times it works. However, in the end, you are the one who ends up suffering.

tdreampol posted 4/10/2013 08:34 AM

Yes on the STD testing, all clear.

I think the first time he could not really perform and they had a quickie.

She was still working with him and he would come around with their group of friends before she quickly left that group.

No, I don't doubt the condom thing at all. And like I said she had a pregnancy scare. She was a week late and freaked out because of her actions. But she did not get pregnant.

Also at first the guy (divorced) implied to her that he had only been with his now ex-wife, but after they had sex he admitted to having one night stands and all kinds of other things, so yea we got STD tests quick. She really got played, BUT IT WAS STILL HER CHOICE!

The signs of abuse is my observation not hers. The triggers are hers.

lieshurt posted 4/10/2013 08:39 AM

If you didn't know, you'll need more than one set of STD tests done. I believe you have it done, then 3 months later and then another 3 months later to make sure everything is accounted for. Double check me on that though. Unfortunately, there isn't a test for HPV in men(at least in the U.S), so your WS will definitely need to be tested for that and let you know.

tdreampol posted 4/10/2013 10:38 AM

Well we did right away and three months so I would think that's enough. Damn this sucks!

numb&dumb posted 4/10/2013 12:22 PM


Hey man. My W had a ONS too. Some of the same issues involved. Too many to list.

You are getting good advice, we are all in the same boat here.

While your W is trying to find out why, make no mistake this was a choice. When yo do that it is called minimizing.

This is a very big deal. This is by far the most traumatic thing ever to happen to me. Nothing comes close to this.

Let me just share some solid advice when I first came here.

Take care of yourself. Eat, drink (no booze), rest (best as you can). See the doctor if you have trouble staying even most days. Meds can be a short term godsend. (I am talking from personal experience).

I know this doesn't register right now, but it will make sense later. Your Ws choices are not your fault. Her A was not due to anything you did or didn't do. She has something inside her that "allowed" her to make this choice. It is commonly referred to as "being broken."

The brokenness needs to be addressed if you are ever going to feel safe in this M again.

How ? That is something she needs to do and you can't do it for her. Suggest she post over in the wayward forum to start that journey.

Further down the forums page there is a forum just for BH (betrayed husbands) there a lot of guys who have survived and thrived through this and can give your tremendously valuable advice and support.

I would highly suggest some individual counseling (IC)for both of you. It has helped me a lot.

This happens to a lot of guys. Some of them are hear and are willing to help you. No matter what you think or your W has guided you to think, her A does not reflect on you in the slightest. It was her brokenness that brought this into your lives and as a result she needs to show you why this won't happen again.

FWIW I have not told anyone either. It is lonley at times, but SI provided me a much needed outlet.

Trust me. People just like yourself get through this and are very happy again. I am not all the way there yet, but I see that it is possible now.

I am so sorry your are here, but glad you found us.

tdreampol posted 4/10/2013 15:06 PM

Thanks for the support! She seems to have really taken ownership. There has been no finger pointing or anything like that. Certainly a fact finding mission to figure out what happened but we seemed to really be able to talk it through pretty rationally. No yelling at all. Not to say I didnt have some part in not having a good marriage I will certainly own up to that. But it was 100% her choice to do what she did and it seems that she both knows and admits that.

It is tough to find support, my brain seems on fire at times. The images are awful. My job requires that I go by the office he works at sometimes and the triggers are so common (name, vehicle, Military) it is killing me. I think I will get a new job and that we will move away from this town to try and escape the memory (among other things)

Just getting most of it out, and reading things on this site have been REALLY helpful. Dear god, I just want to be on the other side of this. I REALLY needed to know and I am glad she told me and that I didnt find out some other way, but some days I wish I didnt know. If that makes sense.

numb&dumb posted 4/10/2013 15:20 PM

some days I wish I didnt know. If that makes sense.

It makes perfect sense. Most of us do that.

Yeah you can own the M stuff 50%, but in my situation the A had to be dealt with first. That is why I suggested IC if you haven't already done that. Some differ in the order, but I would not be M today if I had to discuss my role in the martial difficulties before being in a much healthier place and I had several months of effort and trust building from my W.

Everyone is different and that is why it is good to get advice from multiple people to find out what works for you.

In the beginning it is normal to focus more on OM. It is your brains way of protecting the love you have for your W. Be careful, He is not the problem.

The mind movies are rough, but exercise helps me. Some people have told me to picture a stop sign when getting a mind movies(that never really worked for me)

Does your W comfort you when you have triggers or mind movies ? Or is she caught up in the paralyzing shame that many WS (wayward spouses) feel ? I found my W comforting me or holding me helped. It is important to let her do that sometimes. It helps her feel like she is supporting you through this. And it really helped me.

tdreampol posted 4/10/2013 16:07 PM

Thanks, yes sometimes she does and sometimes she is filled with shame and I understand both. We hold each other allot these days and it is very nice.

as far as the OM, I still think about putting a bullet in is head in my dark fantasy's that I would of course never act on. If it would not have hurt my wifes reputation I would have totally kicked his ass up one side and down the other. I may still actually...

Also I have been working out like crazy, this does help. Sadly since I have gotten in shape it also brings attention from the ladies and brings temptation but as I said before I am not interested. However I do drink once in a while, maybe I will stop that. Don't sleep worth a shit most nights.

[This message edited by tdreampol at 4:09 PM, April 10th (Wednesday)]

libertyrocks posted 4/10/2013 16:55 PM

Aw, sweetie. I'm so so sorry. Dude, I know EXACTLY how you feel. My marriage with my husband was horrible after we had our first kid up until the second one. Yes, he cheated on my with multiple women for over a year and a half. Well, it's a really good sign that 1. she confessed. 2. wants to make it better. But, she does need counseling and so do you. After some sessions, going together would be best. I wake up thinking like I just got in a car accident, thing F**K, did that just really happen?!?! And, yes, it really did happen. I can think of a 100 reasons why my H cheated. I was breastfeeding my baby, sleeping with him bc H worked nights. He was bored bc we go to bed at 8. He worked at a bar. Has his own "daddy" "mommy" issues. But, dude, I should have been the one to cheat, not him. He never helped with the kids, was never around, I worked 12 hour days. We saw him for maybe 2 hours on sat/sun because he was hung over, drinking, or pretending to go to work. Basically, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. Neither of us held a gun to spouse and said take off your clothes. I'm so sorry. But, seriously, it sounds like you guys have a good chance at surviving. It just sucks bigtime. Good luck.

tdreampol posted 4/10/2013 19:59 PM

yes, I think we will make it at this point. Thanks for the support and insight. I can't believe how badly I needed to tell someone. She even has said "it feels like a dream" or that "it happened to someone else" so I guess that is a good thing. I wish it didnt haunt me daily and I know it brings her down. If the rolls where reversed I certainly would not want to think about it everyday. But talking it through helps, and so far she has done pretty darn good. I read other stories here and I see it could have been so much worse. This place is fantastic.

jjct posted 4/10/2013 20:50 PM

The 'dreaming', & 'someone else' is the denial phase of healing. Just make sure not to shortcut. You will not get past this so much as you will get through this.

Pay attention to lieshurt. She's great at bullshit detecting.

Embrace your feelings brother. If she is truly remorseful, open, transparent, and honest - you got a good head-start toward R (Reconciliation).
I like this thread, hope it helps:

Shockleader posted 4/10/2013 20:56 PM


I know well the hell you are going through, and you have my full support to get through this. Know that what you feel today, can change minute-by-minute, it can feel like a roller coaster, and that it is OK if this is a deal breaker for you, even with a fully remorseful spouse.

At first all you want is to get back to normal, you want so much to believe everything can be OK at some time. The main thing here is that YOU heal, and that may mean reconciliation, or ultimately divorce. My point is you are/it is not a failure if the damage done is too much, and you both go separate ways. Simply something to ponder, and either way you have folks support in the lifeline that SI provides in spades.

Best of luck to you, and your healing.

tdreampol posted 4/10/2013 22:53 PM

Thanks, I appreciate that. At this point, I know we can make it. Even though I am still pretty close to dd and this is the first I have talked about it other than with her. I love her very much, we at one point in the past where best friends as well as romantic and it seems both of those elements are coming back in full force. Also I would hate to do that to the kids. I don't know that a day has gone by where I didn't think about it, but some days I feel like "I got this" everything is cool, and then once in a while I have a god awful trigger and mental image and I can hardly function. Most days I walk in between the extremes. Extra hard to do when you have to put up a front and pretend everyday because you can't tell ANYONE what you are going through.

tdreampol posted 4/11/2013 07:37 AM

ok so let me ask this question. Another struggle.

She is terrified that the OM will tell one of her ex coworkers or friends. He promised her he would not but this person is kinda crazy, has PTSD and all kinds of mental issues (yaaaa) Also he has tried to establish contact a few times with even though she made in clear that it was without question NC and that they would never see each other again. He tried to contact her on FB she in two sentences reminded him that it has NC and then blocked him. He once saw her driving in town and basically followed her (our kids where with her at the time) in to a book store. She avoided him and left with the kids immediately. Of course I then threatened hell fire on him in a message I sent him on FB if he EVER tried a stunt like that again. This person plays a part an looks like a good guy at work, but almost everyone that meets him gets a bad vibe. In reality is a pathetic manipulator, and user. He started hitting on one of my wife's good friends at work (after she left her job) and this friend contacted my wife to ask my wife about him and to see if he was a good guy. My wife of course told her he was not (with out the details of course) and my wife does not want to see her friend hurt because of how this person uses women. ANYWAY last week he drove by the house a few times when I was not home (wife told me) I think because my wife got a new vehicle and he is trying to figure out what she drives. I found in her browser history that she looked him and his ex wife up in the internet and looked at pictures of him for a few hours. When I asked about this, she said when he drove by he had someone with him and that she wanted to make sure it wasnt her friend and to see if maybe him and his ex had gotten back together.

obviously for me, her looking at pictures of the OM makes me crazy. I do not believe she has done it before. But WTH? After talking about it my wife said "look, we need a reality check. This person treated me REALLY badly and if you and I didn't work out I would still NEVER go back to him period. I only want good safe people in my life" and I believe her, but maybe I am a fool. Not sure how to handle this. Thoughts??

JanaGreen posted 4/11/2013 08:17 AM

First, I'm sorry you find yourself here. My H had a ONS in July 2010 and that's what brought me here.

Second, I'd be very cautious if your wife does a lot of self-flagellation and not a lot of introspection. See, my H felt like absolute shit after his ONS. To the point that he'd pick up our daughter from daycare and cry all the way home because he didn't deserve to be there like "the good dads." He felt so much shame for his actions.

The problem with that is that eventually, people get tired of beating themselves up and feeling like shit. And when you have a person who has crappy coping mechanisms and they don't work on them, they stuff those bad feelings down and look for ways to make themselves feel better.

So your wife, she felt like shit about herself, and this guy told her she was pretty. And now you're here. Now she feels like shit, she beats herself up. Eventually she'll get tired of that. And maybe you'll still be triggering, and that will annoy her because she's tired of feeling like shit about herself. So she looks for ways to make herself feel better.

That's how I ended up with D-Day 2.

Is she working on herself? Is she going to counseling to figure out better ways of coping when she's feeling down about herself/her life?

I think it's normal to be ashamed but those negative feelings need to be the push to make positive, lasting changes, not just sitting in bed crying and saying that you're stupid. KWIM?

Third: She looked at the OM's pictures for HOURS? Literally HOURS? That's a huge red flag to me, I'm sorry to say. I'm wondering how much space this man is taking up in her head if she's looking at his pictures for hours.

Fourth: Yes, you need to get tested at six months out as well.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 8:18 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]

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