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Upwards or Downwards

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upwardspiral posted 4/11/2013 00:33 AM

I am spiraling. That is for sure. And most days spiraling out of control. At first I wrote DOWNwardspiral for my username, but i must have been feeling optimistic at that time and settled on Upwardspiral. Because I am pretty sure there is really no place to go but up from here.

My husband of 12 years left me for another woman. It is SO hard to write those words. So hard to believe that this is my life. This happens in novels and Lifetime movies. Not in real life. Not to me. But this is real life. And it does happen. And it did happen to me.

I have had some time to begin to process a few of the initial feelings- the shock, the betrayal, the absolute devastation as I found out a few months ago, but the pain is still raw. A gaping open wound. I am not sure how to even bandage the wound to allow some healing. It feels like every time I "heal" a little- something else happens and rips it all back open again. I feel overly dramatic saying that. However, it is really the only way to describe it.

My husband and I went through a lot of changing and growing in our 12 years together. We both graduated from graduate degree programs, had 2 kids, supported each other through job changes-and major life changes. In May of 2011 my husband had gastric bypass surgery. The next year was pure hell as we made major lifestyle changes. But I supported him. I changed the way we ate to accommodate his needs. I started running with him (I HATE running!) because that became his passion and I wanted to share that with him. We took a family trip so he could run in his first half-marathon and cheered him on as he came across the finish line. I felt like I did everything I could to grow and change with him- and encourage and accept him for his changes. But it wasn't enough.

My husband changed. Along with his weight, he lost his compassion for others. He gained self-confidence--and arrogance. He became judgmental- hypercritical of others. He had little tolerance for his co-workers, me, our kids, or family. He became self-focused to the point where it was hurting all of us. And then came the infidelity. With a co-worker and friend of ours. Which when confronted, he chose to continue with the affair. He moved out January 7th, 2013. With little remorse and no planning on how this would affect anyone but himself.

I feel like I have done the "right" things. Kept things as "normal" as possible for the kids, never talk bad about Daddy… We have been honest with the kids to a certain degree, keeping in mind that they are 4 and 6 and don't need details just facts of how this affects them. I have an amazing support group of family and friends. I have seen a financial planner and a counselor. I have filed for divorce because my husband has made it perfectly clear he is not coming back.

But despite my facade of control and maintaining normalcy, nothing is normal and I don't feel in control. In 3 short months, my life has changed completely. To something I could never imagine. To something I don't know how to deal with.

I'm tired. I'm worn.

918Mama posted 4/11/2013 01:19 AM

Hello my beautiful friend!

Let me be the first to welcome you to the club that no one wants to belong to. I'm honored to watch you walk this path IRL and now here in SI.

Others will be along with warm wishes and a sharing of their own experiences. (((upwardspiral)))

HurtsButImOK posted 4/11/2013 02:37 AM

So very sorry you have found yourself here upwardspiral. Awesome username by the way.

You will hit your upwards and you will spiral to a better life. Granted its not one you planned or thought of, but you deserve good things and you will receive good things.

Welcome. Try to keep eating and drinking fluids (not alcohol) to keep your strength up for your darling babies and read the Healing Library up to the left hand side (in the yellow box) if you have not already. It has some great info.

Other much wiser SI sages will be along to provide you wisdom. I just wanted to say welcome, so very sorry you are here but I believe it will get better for all of us once we pass the darkness.

allatsea posted 4/11/2013 02:38 AM

Welcome. ((((((hugs)))))
You are in the right place. One thing you can be certain of is that we know how you are feeling. Very few of your friends and family can actually comprehend the immense pain we are in. They are supportive, for sure, but they can't possibly know.
It is THE worst feeling but together we will all come to terms with this betrayal and we will be all the stronger for it. Take it one hour at a time. Be strong in front of him and cry on your own. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Thinking of you

HappilyUnMarried posted 4/11/2013 04:12 AM


You have done all of the right things... 3 months is not a long time. We have all been through these feelings; that dreaded "T" (time) word will help. Healing can only start when you know it's over. Sounds like you are there.

Keep this in mind: at least you found out, he left and is not still deceiving you. At least you are not in false R and you can begin to move on with your life. Many people go through months and years of this back and forth. At least you can actually start to move on with your life.

I am saying this from a perspective of someone initially deeply hurt, but 6 years out. The real damage, for me, was not in the A, but the lying and cheating for months and months after the initial D-Day.

It's also great you have friends and family (and SI!) to help you through this horrible time.

If you haven't already, look through the healing library and educate yourself on the process. It's surprisingly similar for most of us BS.

Truthfully, your WH sounded like a jerk before the A. You were compromising yourself trying to please him. In the coming months, while you are spiraling up some days and spiraling down others, start figuring out what YOU enjoy, and start doing it. Your New Beginning is coming up, and I promise you, from a veteran, you will eventually have many more days where you spiral up than spiral down!

The best "revenge" is to move on and be happy with your new life.

Good luck to you!

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 8:06 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]

HurtsButImOK posted 4/11/2013 04:35 AM

At least you are not in false R and you can begin to move on

As much as WE dont want to be cast aside, ^^this^^, I think is a blessing in disguise.

I have so much admiration for those who R, it seems really hard. As hard as it is to be thrown away, it means that we no longer have to deal with the mind/heart games.

Strength and healing mojo to you

jemimapd posted 4/11/2013 04:46 AM

Wow, to be honest your husband sounds like a complete nightmare. It sounds as if he really left you for himself, Mr. Now Perfect. He comes across as selfish and immature. Oh, and entitled, let's not forget that one.

You are in the midst of a life-changing trauma so you will feel tired and drained. But it will not always be like this. You have to protect yourself legally etc but to some extent you have to surrender to the pain and just go with it. Try to make a daily plan and focus on that. Don't think too far ahead. Just processing what has happened is exhausting enough.

I suspect he is just at the start of his journey of pleasing himself and there is a lot more acting out to come. Try as much as possible to limit your contact with him. Don't rely on this guy for anything and keep your expectations of him at zero.

isadora posted 4/11/2013 05:20 AM

It takes time accept your new reality whether you D or R . I lived in limbo hell for 4 months. It wasn't until after that period when the real healing started.

it does get better.

CrappyLife posted 4/11/2013 07:52 AM

So sorry for your pain upward. After reading your name, I wish I had a better name! You seem to be a level-headed and strong person. You are doing all the right things.

Read on here and post here about your issues and your journey. The amazing thing about SI is there will always be someone who identifies with you.

At least you are not in false R and you can begin to move on with your life.

As HUM mentioned, this is a blessing in disguise. You can focus on yourself and your kids and let your highly delusional husband enjoy with his whore.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 7:53 AM, April 11th (Thursday)]

upwardspiral posted 4/11/2013 23:13 PM

918Mama- I would be completely lost without you. And quite possibly still in denial :)

Hurts- Thanks for the welcome- and the good advice-that life, although NOT the way i planned it at all, can still be good. I will feel that way eventually, right? :)

allatsea- YES! Thank you so much for pointing out that my support group- as amazing as they are- cannot understand what I am going through. And I am so glad that SI is here for me to connect (unfortunately?) with those who DO understand.

HUM- Thanks for the encouragement and the honesty. I am trying to look at him leaving as a blessing- I don't have to decide whether or not A is a deal breaker. He made that decision for me. However, the blow to my self esteem that he is choosing someone else over me- and over our family, is devastating. That will take time to heal as you say.

Isadora- my hell started in November- when I first confronted him about the OW and he said I was crazy. So two months of limbo and lies and betrayal was more than enough for me. I am amazed at how strong others like you are- what you have endured- and still able to say it does get better.

CL- I literally laughed out loud. I have nicknamed the OW HWW. Home Wrecker Whore. Thanks for "getting" it.

scrambled2 posted 4/12/2013 19:13 PM

Hi Upwards,

Yes I also share your comments, re - always thought this happened on TV or movies. Never thought I would be living it BUT here I Am!

My WH also went through some major changes too. His mother died in May'11 (very close to her - he didn't deal with it well) however we seemed fine - holidays, talking laughing, enjoying time together.

Then in Feb did a 1 yr extensive course - my gosh the stress (no-one & I mean no-one liked being around him - I was the diffuser), the depression, the anxiety & sleeping tablets.

From Nov - dec he became really nit picky, arrogant, critical. I never did anything right. Well found out why - he had met someone on the course ( if u want to read - refer to my post 4 mths- sorry long read).

Cut a long story short has moved in with her - 1 mth ago. My d Miss 10 - said they have little in common, she never shuts up (talk, talk, talk) & now they have heated discussions. My WH loves quiet. Oh well I tell her they will sort it out (AND yes I am secretly laughing!) That's the thing they are so in love with the love aspect that when reality sets in - the "relationship" starts to lose its shine! As a friend said to me " why is the grass never greener on the other-side"....."because of all the"

I have basically emotionally detached from him. Had too - to survive. Predominantly contact by email & text but if we have to speak in person or do children exchange I'm always pleasant when I speak to him - D10 & S7. But if he starts to moan, I'm polite & friendly but I do not offer any advice. He is so surprised.

YOU need to know that your life is IMPORTANT and YOU are SPECIAL. Live your life. I'm trying to do that - NOT EASY but each day gets a little bit easier.

How am I getting through - with support from my friends, exercise, & dancing.

Take care

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