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How long before very serious?

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Flythecoupe posted 4/11/2013 11:01 AM

When I was young and got married I didn't "pop" the question for over 5 yrs, cause I wanted to make sure. Well, that worked out real well.
I was wondering how long to date, now that I'm 20yrs older(early 40's), before it is "the right time"? I know it all depends, but I've heard people talk anywhere from 6 months to 2+ yrs. What do you all think? I was thinking at least 1 yr, then engaged for 6 months to a yr. But have been told that is too long for people our age. Time flies these days, doesn't sound that long to me.

SeanFLA posted 4/11/2013 11:40 AM

Really? I don't think that's long at all. I think at our age you have possibly even more to lose than when you're young and had nothing. I waited 2.5 years to ask exWW to marry me for the same reason...wanted to be sure. Guess that became a huge mistake. I think you wait as long as you are comfortable. I really don't care what everyone else thinks anymore. There is no way in hell I'm going through this mess again and untangling my finances while my emotions are stressed beyond the max. And I can say that if there is a next time...there will be a pre-nup in place for sure. That will be non-negotiable. I'm a lot wiser now and can't afford my retirement savings getting screwed up. I gave up so much to exWW so she could build HER career while I put mine on the backburner a bit for her's. And look where that ultimate sacrifice got me. Sorry I know there'a lot of anger in my post.

Amazonia posted 4/11/2013 12:18 PM

Are you seeing someone now?

I think it depends a LOT on your relationship. I don't think you can generalize.

Spirit13 posted 4/11/2013 12:29 PM

There are so many variables it is really hard to say. In my case, I have a minor child so that plays a huge role in any decision I would make to be engaged or married.

For me, the timeline in my head was dating for 3 years before engagement and then engaged no longer than a year. I don't personally believe in really long engagements. Having said that, I am almost at the 2 year mark with my SO and I can't say we would be getting engaged in a year and married in 2. If it were just me - maybe I'd be more into it but I don't want to introduce that much change to my daughter yet. Everything is good so far but I know dynamics change GREATLY when everyone lives together and I don't cohabitate.

Newlease posted 4/11/2013 14:05 PM

Personally I think you should know someone for a whole year before getting that kind of serious. You need to see how they handle and react to different things in their life - go through seasons and holidays together.

If someone is on good behavior, it's pretty difficult to keep it up for an entire year. They will have to let down their hair by then.

Of course I have no intention of marrying again, so take my opinion with a grain of salt.


wildbananas posted 4/11/2013 14:07 PM

I jumped into a serious (bad) relationship way too fast after ex-asshat and I split and regret it. Honestly, for me personally, your timeline sounds way too fast.

But seriously, I'm not looking for anything serious and I'm definitely not looking to remarry or cohabitate while I still have bananas in the house. Baby banana is 10 so I have a good eight years to go, but I'm totally okay with that.

I think it's about how you feel about things... and how your kids feel too, of course. If I was out there and dating with the intent of finding a life partner, I'd at least date for a year and be engaged for that long as well.

[This message edited by wildbananas at 2:07 PM, April 11th (Thursday)]

hexed posted 4/11/2013 14:54 PM

why be in hurry at 'our age'? are you planning more kids? is there a financial reason?

I've been with my SO for 2.5+ years now. He proposed at 18m. We keep discussing dates but we haven't found the right one. No hurry. No worry.

damncutekitty posted 4/11/2013 15:40 PM

My SO and I hit the 1 year mark in Feruary. We just moved in together this month. Now that we are living together people are, of course, asking when we are getting engaged. (eye roll) If he'd proposed before now I would have thought it too soon. My mother and grandmother think I am going too slow. But I am not in a hurry.

SBB posted 4/11/2013 16:55 PM

Holy shit. Your timeline sounds waaaay too fast for me.

I won't be ready to date until I am sufficiently healed. That could be another year or two away.

I'd date someone for a year before introducing my kids.

I'd then share our lives together for another year or two. If my kids like and accept them and if all seems to be going well I might consider living with them.

Then I'd wait a few years then we'd never get married because I'm never fucking doing THAT shit again.

But seriously. I think there was more of a rush when we were younger because we had to do the wedding/kids/mortgage thing. We don't have to do that by anyone elses timeframe anymore so I will absolutely be taking my time.

Your kids are older so it might be different but I'd probably still wait until they were out of my home.

There's no rush - I can't wait to 'date' someone for a few years without rushing into living together/engagement/marriage.

I don't want to have a bunch of failed 2 year relationships - to have myself make room to move someone in only to then have empty spaces to fill should we break up. To have my girls go through the ordeal too? No.

I discussed this at length with a single dad I was seeing casually - IMO he was mad keen to move someone in and do the insta-family thing until I reminded him that its not the same as before. We have kids now and it impacts them whilst they are living with us.

I'd have to be waaaaay more committed to someone now to live with/marry them than I was the first time around.

Back then it was only me who had to deal with the fallout so the risk was low (would have been low too if I'd had the good sense to leave once the blush wore off 2 years into it and his mask started to slip).

gma56 posted 4/11/2013 17:10 PM

My DD's now husband was separated and finishing his divorce when they met. He told DD he loved her and wanted exclusive within 3 dates.
As her Mom I wasn't happy because they both had young kids but he knew what he wanted. They lived together 2 yrs and now married for almost 4 yrs. It was quick for them to commit but he was 43 yrs old and she was 34, what can a mom say ? They were definitely old enough to know what worked for them. Today they are very happily married.

I don't think there is a time frame for being serious in a relationship. Sometimes it just is right or wrong.


Crescita posted 4/11/2013 17:24 PM

Well it took me 7 years to figure out WXH wasnít it for me. I was ready to marry him after two years, he took three to propose.

Iíve been with my SO for a year and a half. Still not ready for marriage. Maybe if I wait until year 8 Iíll know for certain.

Iíd like to think Iím older and wiser now, but I thought I was pretty smart about my relationship with WXH. Sometimes being too sure of what you want can blind you to what you have.

A little trepidation is good, normal even. Toss the timeline out the window and just let things progress when it feels right to both of you.

Kajem posted 4/11/2013 23:00 PM

Funny,,, I was serious with XSO faster than I was with XH. XH and I dated for 2 years, engaged for 1, married for 18.

XSO and I dated for 8 years. If I am honest with myself, I could not see myself married to him. Why I stuck it out for 8 years, I am still trying to figure out.

I don't cohabitate and it was a sore spot for XSO... although he respected my reasons why. and for a few years he agreed with them. Then he changed his mind.

What you think works for you now may change when you add someone else to the picture. I think we need to be open to that.



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