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miami12 posted 4/11/2013 12:29 PM

My wife wanted me to sign up for this site. I had an affair with a co-worker that lasted 3 days. My wife found out and the affair ended. This happened two years ago and my wife and I are still trying to heal. I had never had an affair in over twenty years of marriage and never will again. The women I had the affair with still works in the same building but I have made every effort to avoid her. My wife fells bad about herself. The other women is a fitness instructor on the side and is twenty years younger than my wife. My wife and I have several children all over the age of 13. I have done as much as I can to make things right but nothing seems to help.

Aubrie posted 4/11/2013 12:40 PM

Welcome miami.

First and foremost, check out the Healing Library and the links below. It's kind of "unofficial mandatory" reading for newbies. Tons of great info.

How much does my BS hurt?

Withdrawal Survival Guide

Helpful Books for WS

The Lifeboat

Things Every WS Should Know

So you said you joined because of your wife. I hope that you change your mind and decide to utilize this site not only for her benefit but yours as well.

I had never had an affair in over twenty years of marriage and never will again.

What have you done to insure that it won't happen again? Have you gone to IC? Do you know why you chose to have an affair? What's different now with you than 2 years ago?

Again, welcome.

BaxtersBFF posted 4/11/2013 12:42 PM

Welcome to SI.

What kinds of things Havre you done to help her heal? Have you worked to figure out why you made the choice to cheat after 20 years?

Unagie posted 4/11/2013 12:53 PM

One thing Aubrie and Baxter have given you great starting points but the line that your A lasted 3 days stood out to me. This was a coworker, your A if this is someone you had constant contact with started long before physical contact. Even if it wasn't emotional your thought process during that time is very important.

miami12 posted 4/13/2013 07:01 AM

After I had taken on a second job,I was home less and less. As a result, I was not around as much to help out at home. My wife got angry that I was never around and always working. Her way of displaying her anger made us more distant. There was no communication and no romance. Since the affair, we have been going to marriage counseling. I now understand the importance to communicate. We also set one night a week as a date night without the children. We also went away for the first time since our honeymoon without the kids. I thank you all for your help. These changes, along with the knowledge of the hurt that I had caused make me confident that I will never let this happen again.

UnexpectedSong posted 4/13/2013 15:31 PM

There was no communication and no romance.

Why did that make it ok to cheat? You knew it was wrong... What voice inside said that you were entitled to it?

Aubrie posted 4/13/2013 15:51 PM

These changes, along with the knowledge of the hurt that I had caused make me confident that I will never let this happen again

Hmmm ok, changes:
Work less, Home more
Marriage counseling
You guys talk
Kid-less trip
And knowing you hurt her

Are you in IC?

Do you know why you chose to have the A? Do you know what the drivers for that decision are?

What happens a couple/few years from now and life happens? You get a work promotion that requires more time away from home, your kids become more involved in activities so there is less down time at home, your wife goes thru the change of life, "romance" goes out the window again? What prevents you from having another A?

Mrs Panda posted 4/13/2013 18:04 PM

I will never let this happen again.

Sigh. Do you know how many of us believed that and said that?

Then one day, you are down, and distant from spouse, and along comes Mr. Fitness and asks you to go running with him.

And then you become acquantainces....friends, even. You even tell your spouse about this new friend.

You start having some attraction to this person. Until you slip.

You think you can dry knuckle it? Good for you. So did many of us.

That's actually a minor point because my bigger concerns for you are that after 2 years it sounds like you are still not owning it.

Why, after 2 years, do you come on here? Surely not because things are great.

Look, I'll give you a pointer so you can skip to the head of the class. None of us reformed Waywards believe that a bad patch in the M made us fuck around.

We take responsibility.

We own our shit.

Your wife wasn't happy...she didn't cheat. Many people are unhappy...but don't cheat. You made a conscious decision that it was OK to throw away 20 years. Forget the "for better or worse." You chose to be selfish and inflict horrible pain on your wife.

We have a saying here "the marital problems are 50/50 but the cheating is 100 percent on the Wayward."

You could have tried couseling before. Divorce. Talking. Yelling.

But you chose the easy way out at the time. To sooth yourself with a fitness trainer, as you pointed out.

By the way, I find the fact that you mention these seemingly desirable things about the AP a bit off-putting. Implying your wife is insecure. But really, wasn't that your issue? It doesn't matter if the AP is Kristen Stewart or an ogre. It hurts your BS, terribly.

I hope you can glean some real info here, not just make a few posts and promises.

needhelp123 posted 4/14/2013 08:30 AM

I agree with Unagie. The affair didn't last 3 days. Sometime before the actual physical part you gave yourself permission to share a confidence or something else that drew you together. I didn't really think about this myself until it was pointed out to me by my BS. It's so obvious in hindsight but you just don't think about it. Ask yourself this question - were there any circumstances when you spoke with this woman, or traded emails or phone calls, if that's what you did, where you wouldn't have been comfortable if your wife was standing next to you. If so, that is most likely the beginning.

miami12 posted 4/14/2013 12:31 PM

Your right Mrs. Panda, I have to take responsibility. I want to be the best husband I can be and heal the pain that I have caused on my wife and family. Maybe I'm insecure and have no insight. I hope that by being on this website will help.

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