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User Topic: Think I'll contact obs tomorrow - but at what cost?
♂ 38775
Member # 38775
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think after 3 months I'm going to contact the OM's wife and let her know about the affair her husband had with my wife. My concern is that it will blow up in my face - I'm very successful professionally and have online presence on professional networking sites etc. so very easy to trackdown. I'm concerned that either the OM or his wife will flip and try to contat me at work, potentially exposing the situation to my colleagues (I've decided not to tell anyone about the A so that neither of us are judged for what happened or staying together). I would be humiliated if my colleagues and friends found out but I think the OBS has a right to know. One thing I was thinking was to make an anonymous call, saying I work with her husband and tell her that way. This would also result in him being paranoid at work and giving me some satisfaction. However, I wouldn't be able to give real evidence for her to believe me and he could dismiss it as a crazy person messing around. What ar your thoughts?

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 29130
Member # 29130
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Think about how you reacted to finding out about your WW A. Most BS's do not want to advertise a spouses betrayal.

Also this is a secret you can't control. The BS could find out on her own and reach out through social media to let you know.

This is not your fault and not your secret to keep.

Me: BW Him: who cares
Divorced: 4/2015
2 DDs and DSs all under 10
Who knows how many affairs at this point
Multiple D-Days

I can only control myself, no one else. I do not have that kind of power.

Posts: 4722 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Back home again in Indiana
♀ 38886
Member # 38886
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, April 11th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I contacted the other woman's husband. I actually met him in person. We talked it was great.

He was so appreciative. Believed me right away. He knew something was up with her and was relieved to finally know the truth. He promised not to divulge that it was me who told him. I also decided not to air our dirty laundry and as far as I know, no one else knows.

Do it the right way. Forget the anonymous route. Is that how you would want to find out?

Posts: 106 | Registered: Apr 2013
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:38 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard to believe "anonymous", although I certainly understand the desire to do it that way.

The best way is to tell the BW yourself. Have evidence available if the BW wants or needs it. I also understand your fear of the fallout, but I feel it is highly unlikely that it would happen. The other BS probably would feel as you do and not want to advertise their marital issues to everyone.

It is tough, but it is the right thing to do. ((((numb13))))

BW (me) & FWH both over half a century; married several decades; children
d-day 3/10; LTA (7 years?)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson

Posts: 13449 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
♀ 37043
Member # 37043
Default  Posted: 6:49 AM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I totally understand the desire to keep it a secret (I have, too). And sometimes you have to protect yourself. I wouldn't blame you if you went the anonymous route. I never had to tell OBS because OBS found out a few days before I did (and I had evidence she found out). But I never contacted her to share stories/details because she worked with OW and WH, too, and I was concerned that i'd be contributing to some sort of gossip mill at work.

When I finally met OBS several months after D-Day, I was very comfortable. OBS respected me and my privacy the way I respected hers. It was a relief to talk and we both benefited. I got a lot of clarity about the situation that I didn't have before and my mind was more at ease than it had been in months.

So, while I support the anonymous route and don't think you deserve judgement if you protect yourself, I have to say the "reward" of telling the OBS yourself probably outweighs the risk.

Me, BS, 30s
Him, WS, 30s, Steppenwolf
Kids: Yep
D-Day 1: September 2011, 6 week EA
D-Day 2: January 2013, discovered EA was a PA; there was another PA in 2010. All TT.
Goal = serenity.

Posts: 667 | Registered: Oct 2012
♀ 19636
Member # 19636
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FOW BH contacted me, which lead to d-day #2 and finally the end of what we had both been gas-lighted into believing was a ONS 10 months before. I've not heard of a BS wanting to embarrass the other BS, usually they're empathetic more than anyone in the world, they're living your hell right along with you.

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

Posts: 3843 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Midwest
♀ 36671
Member # 36671
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that you have to do it in any event and in any way that is needed.

I just wish that the OW's husband had informed me. He knew about the affair before he married OW and for the next TWELVE YEARS but never, ever informed me!

All that he had to do was to a)call my WH and to tell him to stay the fuck away from his wife; or b)call me. He knew who my WH is and it wouldn't have been difficult for him to have found me...

I cannot, in any way, forgive him for this. It would have saved an enormous amount of heartache - as well as my WH having children with her.

So do it. You're the innocent here. Not them.

WS had two LTAs of 10 years and 12 years; further 8/9 affairs; EAs, 2 OC. Looks horrific but he is fully immersed in trying to find the 'broken.' It's on-going and painful. If there's a blue sky and sunshine, then it's a good day.

Posts: 169 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: UK
♀ 24938
Member # 24938
Default  Posted: 10:04 PM, April 19th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I contacted the BS immediately after d-day. It turned out that he knew about the LTA for over 2 yrs but had never thought to contact me or my FWH or even his own WW!
Turns out the MOW was a serial cheater and finding out about this latest LTA was the last straw for him.
He was getting his ducks in a row getting ready to divorce.

But, I so wish that he had told me. It would have saved me years of additional heartache etc. because the affair would have ended years earlier.

The OBS was a very nice guy. We spoke on the phone a number of times and even met up in person one time to exchange email evidence.

Neither one of us wished the other anything but the best.

I think that the WS often lie about the BS and make them out to be villains when in reality they are just like us....loving spouses that have been blindsided by this betrayal.

You should contact the other BS ASAP -it's the right thing to do.

Me- BS
Him- WH
Long term marriage
D-day- Jan. 2007
5 yr. LTA

Posts: 3174 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: NJ
♂ 38775
Member # 38775
Default  Posted: 3:56 AM, April 20th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the feedback. I finally called yesterday answer! I only havev their landline no. and can't call once he's home in case he gets the phone first. So I have to wait until next week and try again - I hope he hasn't unplugged the phone as he knows I have the number

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2013
♂ 38775
Member # 38775
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally contacted her. I called and this time she was home - i told her "You don't know me but I have something to tell you which you need to know, before xmas for 3 months my wife and your husband were having an affair" and her immediate reaction was "your wife's a liar!" I found that really odd, I expected "who is this? Is this a joke?" But immediately she was on the attack. Anyway, I told her a summary of what I know (but spared her the physical details) she was pushing for my name but I told her, you need to speak to your husband. I said we'd had counselling and everything I learnt is that she has a right to know. I then gave evidence by way of describing photos of their home that he'd sent my wife, told her to check the phone bills for Nov/Dec and that they'd said their marriages were empty shell (first ting I'd heard of it). Now my wife is very scared about repercussions but I think that you have to face the music if you do something like this. I'm a big believer in karma. The fact the OM thought 4 months out he was high and dry, I'm glad I brought the truth into his world and let his wife see him for what he really is and can now make a choice as to whether she stays with him. She had a right to know and I wish I'd told her sooner, though I wonder if she believed me and maybe he'll spin it that I'm crazy or that my wife was lying.

Does anyone else think her immediate reaction was odd?

Posts: 15 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not really. Trying to remain anonymous seems to cause reactions like that. I imagine that as she has time to think, she'll remember red flags.

I had to inform the BW of my SIL's A and my bro wanted me to keep it anonymous. Her reaction was much like the BW in your sitch. I think a natural reaction is it's someone calling the wrong person or trying to cause trouble...after all, the person we love would never...right?

"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11650 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
I think I can
♀ 17756
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Her reaction does happen. Here on SI you will sometimes see BS's get very angry when posters tell them--"your husband is lying to you" or "there is more to this story". Sometimes people don't want to face the truth or aren't ready to face it.

You did the right thing. Now you can let go of that and focus on you and your WW.


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 9045 | Registered: Jan 2008
♀ 22033
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I couldn't believe what I was looking at when I caught EXWS. It would be even harder to take it in with some stranger calling you and telling you.

Hopefully she heard what you had to say, processed it and confronted her H.

Contacting really is the best thing. I didn't and my EXWS went back to his MOW, resulting in our D. If I would have outed the A the first time, I always wonder if it would have shaken EXWS up more. He got away with it the first time without having to really deal because I continued keeping his secret.

After d-day #2, I outed him and he hit rock bottom.

BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3266 | Registered: Dec 2008
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's the right thing to do. The sooner she knows, the sooner she can deal with her pain and begin to heal. As for the evidence, you can bet that she'll take it up with her husband when he gets home. Let him try to lie his way out of it. Unless he's a psychopath, good luck with that.


Posts: 1969 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southwest
♂ 39099
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's what I get for not reading every post carefully before posting mine. Just noticed that you spoke to the OM's wife.

I agree with you numb about the immediate reaction - I would expect shock, silence, anything other than immediate anger.

It doesn't matter what he says about you or your wife, the OM has some explaining to do to a wife that seems to have a hot temper, and it won't be pleasant.


Posts: 1969 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Southwest
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 4:20 PM, April 29th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like one of two things.

1. OM told his wife to expect a call from a lunatic


2. You aren't the first time she's heard this


BH 53, WW 45
DS 25(Mine),SD 24,SS 23(Hers),DS 12 Ours, DGS 6, DGD 2
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 13yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 5562 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Topic Posts: 16

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