Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Think I'll contact obs tomorrow - but at what cost?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

numb13 posted 4/11/2013 16:38 PM

I think after 3 months I'm going to contact the OM's wife and let her know about the affair her husband had with my wife. My concern is that it will blow up in my face - I'm very successful professionally and have online presence on professional networking sites etc. so very easy to trackdown. I'm concerned that either the OM or his wife will flip and try to contat me at work, potentially exposing the situation to my colleagues (I've decided not to tell anyone about the A so that neither of us are judged for what happened or staying together). I would be humiliated if my colleagues and friends found out but I think the OBS has a right to know. One thing I was thinking was to make an anonymous call, saying I work with her husband and tell her that way. This would also result in him being paranoid at work and giving me some satisfaction. However, I wouldn't be able to give real evidence for her to believe me and he could dismiss it as a crazy person messing around. What ar your thoughts?

isadora posted 4/11/2013 18:32 PM

Think about how you reacted to finding out about your WW A. Most BS's do not want to advertise a spouses betrayal.

Also this is a secret you can't control. The BS could find out on her own and reach out through social media to let you know.

This is not your fault and not your secret to keep.

daledge posted 4/11/2013 20:32 PM

I contacted the other woman's husband. I actually met him in person. We talked it was great.

He was so appreciative. Believed me right away. He knew something was up with her and was relieved to finally know the truth. He promised not to divulge that it was me who told him. I also decided not to air our dirty laundry and as far as I know, no one else knows.

Do it the right way. Forget the anonymous route. Is that how you would want to find out?

SisterMilkshake posted 4/12/2013 06:38 AM

It is hard to believe "anonymous", although I certainly understand the desire to do it that way.

The best way is to tell the BW yourself. Have evidence available if the BW wants or needs it. I also understand your fear of the fallout, but I feel it is highly unlikely that it would happen. The other BS probably would feel as you do and not want to advertise their marital issues to everyone.

It is tough, but it is the right thing to do. ((((numb13))))

RockyMtn posted 4/12/2013 06:49 AM

I totally understand the desire to keep it a secret (I have, too). And sometimes you have to protect yourself. I wouldn't blame you if you went the anonymous route. I never had to tell OBS because OBS found out a few days before I did (and I had evidence she found out). But I never contacted her to share stories/details because she worked with OW and WH, too, and I was concerned that i'd be contributing to some sort of gossip mill at work.

When I finally met OBS several months after D-Day, I was very comfortable. OBS respected me and my privacy the way I respected hers. It was a relief to talk and we both benefited. I got a lot of clarity about the situation that I didn't have before and my mind was more at ease than it had been in months.

So, while I support the anonymous route and don't think you deserve judgement if you protect yourself, I have to say the "reward" of telling the OBS yourself probably outweighs the risk.

JustWow posted 4/19/2013 10:51 AM

FOW BH contacted me, which lead to d-day #2 and finally the end of what we had both been gas-lighted into believing was a ONS 10 months before. I've not heard of a BS wanting to embarrass the other BS, usually they're empathetic more than anyone in the world, they're living your hell right along with you.

sohowamI posted 4/19/2013 10:57 AM

I think that you have to do it in any event and in any way that is needed.

I just wish that the OW's husband had informed me. He knew about the affair before he married OW and for the next TWELVE YEARS but never, ever informed me!

All that he had to do was to a)call my WH and to tell him to stay the fuck away from his wife; or b)call me. He knew who my WH is and it wouldn't have been difficult for him to have found me...

I cannot, in any way, forgive him for this. It would have saved an enormous amount of heartache - as well as my WH having children with her.

So do it. You're the innocent here. Not them.

njgal480 posted 4/19/2013 22:04 PM

I contacted the BS immediately after d-day. It turned out that he knew about the LTA for over 2 yrs but had never thought to contact me or my FWH or even his own WW!
Turns out the MOW was a serial cheater and finding out about this latest LTA was the last straw for him.
He was getting his ducks in a row getting ready to divorce.

But, I so wish that he had told me. It would have saved me years of additional heartache etc. because the affair would have ended years earlier.

The OBS was a very nice guy. We spoke on the phone a number of times and even met up in person one time to exchange email evidence.

Neither one of us wished the other anything but the best.

I think that the WS often lie about the BS and make them out to be villains when in reality they are just like us....loving spouses that have been blindsided by this betrayal.

You should contact the other BS ASAP -it's the right thing to do.

numb13 posted 4/20/2013 03:56 AM

Thanks for all the feedback. I finally called yesterday answer! I only havev their landline no. and can't call once he's home in case he gets the phone first. So I have to wait until next week and try again - I hope he hasn't unplugged the phone as he knows I have the number

numb13 posted 4/29/2013 14:56 PM

I finally contacted her. I called and this time she was home - i told her "You don't know me but I have something to tell you which you need to know, before xmas for 3 months my wife and your husband were having an affair" and her immediate reaction was "your wife's a liar!" I found that really odd, I expected "who is this? Is this a joke?" But immediately she was on the attack. Anyway, I told her a summary of what I know (but spared her the physical details) she was pushing for my name but I told her, you need to speak to your husband. I said we'd had counselling and everything I learnt is that she has a right to know. I then gave evidence by way of describing photos of their home that he'd sent my wife, told her to check the phone bills for Nov/Dec and that they'd said their marriages were empty shell (first ting I'd heard of it). Now my wife is very scared about repercussions but I think that you have to face the music if you do something like this. I'm a big believer in karma. The fact the OM thought 4 months out he was high and dry, I'm glad I brought the truth into his world and let his wife see him for what he really is and can now make a choice as to whether she stays with him. She had a right to know and I wish I'd told her sooner, though I wonder if she believed me and maybe he'll spin it that I'm crazy or that my wife was lying.

Does anyone else think her immediate reaction was odd?

Holly-Isis posted 4/29/2013 15:10 PM

Not really. Trying to remain anonymous seems to cause reactions like that. I imagine that as she has time to think, she'll remember red flags.

I had to inform the BW of my SIL's A and my bro wanted me to keep it anonymous. Her reaction was much like the BW in your sitch. I think a natural reaction is it's someone calling the wrong person or trying to cause trouble...after all, the person we love would never...right?

I think I can posted 4/29/2013 15:41 PM

Her reaction does happen. Here on SI you will sometimes see BS's get very angry when posters tell them--"your husband is lying to you" or "there is more to this story". Sometimes people don't want to face the truth or aren't ready to face it.

You did the right thing. Now you can let go of that and focus on you and your WW.


tabitha95 posted 4/29/2013 15:48 PM

I couldn't believe what I was looking at when I caught EXWS. It would be even harder to take it in with some stranger calling you and telling you.

Hopefully she heard what you had to say, processed it and confronted her H.

Contacting really is the best thing. I didn't and my EXWS went back to his MOW, resulting in our D. If I would have outed the A the first time, I always wonder if it would have shaken EXWS up more. He got away with it the first time without having to really deal because I continued keeping his secret.

After d-day #2, I outed him and he hit rock bottom.

Sal1995 posted 4/29/2013 16:03 PM

It's the right thing to do. The sooner she knows, the sooner she can deal with her pain and begin to heal. As for the evidence, you can bet that she'll take it up with her husband when he gets home. Let him try to lie his way out of it. Unless he's a psychopath, good luck with that.

Sal1995 posted 4/29/2013 16:08 PM

That's what I get for not reading every post carefully before posting mine. Just noticed that you spoke to the OM's wife.

I agree with you numb about the immediate reaction - I would expect shock, silence, anything other than immediate anger.

It doesn't matter what he says about you or your wife, the OM has some explaining to do to a wife that seems to have a hot temper, and it won't be pleasant.

5454real posted 4/29/2013 16:20 PM

Sounds like one of two things.

1. OM told his wife to expect a call from a lunatic


2. You aren't the first time she's heard this


Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.