SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

mysticpenguin posted 4/11/2013 19:42 PM

Welp, when I first came here a few weeks ago, someone said they suspected I had just unconvered the tip of the iceberg.

I was in denial.

But whoever you were, O Ye More Intelligent Poster, you were right.

It wasn't one monthlong fling.

It was one monthlong fling and three one night stands.

Ugh.

HeartInADustpan posted 4/11/2013 20:24 PM

So, so sorry for your pain. TT is killer. I think it's safe to say pretty much everyone here has gotten TT at some point. For me, the hurt was indescribable.

Take care of yourself first and foremost.

(((HUGS)))

Hang in there.

Zamas posted 4/11/2013 20:38 PM

TT is devastating. I'm so sorry. It just feels like bombs going off, attacking you, over and over again. Constant DDays, rugs being pulled from under your feet, being cut at the knees as soon as you are starting to find your footing from the previous bomb he threw at you. My WH TT'd me all the way from an EA to a 20 week pregnant OW who he never stopped loving, screwing, talking to, who he is now living with. Sending you prayers and strength and the hope that he has finally confessed to all.

Skan posted 4/11/2013 20:54 PM

Oh, mysticpenguin, no one here wants to be correct about something like that. I am so sorry.

mysticpenguin posted 4/11/2013 22:39 PM

Oddly enough... after having a lonnnnng talk with WH.... I feel 100,000x better.

We laid out a basic timetable and we both now understand what was going on in our marriage and how both of us contributed to that atmosphere/environment/etc. He understands that he was not dealing with marital problems in an acceptable way and knows what he can do to correct that (namely COMMUNICATE HIS CONCERNS and not clam up and refuse to discuss anything for fear of hurting my feelings - he now sees how twisted that logic is).

He said he is sorry -- something I've heard maybe 5x in the 5 years we've been together.

He discussed his feelings, and I realized I haven't heard him talk about those in about a year -- the time period over which this has all been unfolding.

It feels so good to listen to my intuition again, to stop shoving it down and telling it to shut up. After "D Day," I convinced myself that the other red flags were nothing. He said some things that tickled the back of my brain, but I ignored them. I had an overwhelming feeling that he was still hiding something, but I tried to deny that to myself. But I was right all along. I just needed to listen to myself.

I'm so glad the truth is finally out and we can discuss this and he knows it was wrong and most importantly -- we can move forward together and bury this ugly chapter.

karmahappens posted 4/11/2013 22:46 PM

Hi Mystic :)

But whoever you were, O Ye More Intelligent Poster, you were right.

Unfortunately, it is not because any of us are more intelligent....but because many of us have been there.

I am sorry there was more, but happy you feel as though it's all out there now.

This jumps out at me though

I'm so glad the truth is finally out and we can discuss this and he knows it was wrong and most importantly -- we can move forward together and bury this ugly chapter.

It feels "rugsweepish" ( ya, it's a word, really )
to me. Almost like you are content to have the news, you talked and let's move on.

This shit is hard...really hard and the roller coaster is just beginning. You both are going to need IC/MC most likely and there is usually a long road to healing.

If you don't do the hard work and push everything aside to "get to ok" there is a huge chance history repeats itself.

Take care of you....

mysticpenguin posted 4/12/2013 00:01 AM

Almost like you are content to have the news, you talked and let's move on.

Oh gosh no! Sorry if I gave that impression. I know there's lots of work ahead - communication skills/work/improvement for both of us but especially for my husband, addressing and fixing our conflict intimacy style & level, and rebuilding trust.

It just feels so good to have the truth, finally! If I'm honest with myself, I knew something was going on on-and-off throughout the past year. I have an exceptional intuition if I do say so myself and literally had two visions in a week of him with another woman, and was able to force myself to ignore those. I mean, 'denial' isn't even a fitting word. And then I got the first truth and I attributed everything to that and still had a strong feeling I wasn't getting the full story, but I told my gut and my sixth sense to just pipe down and leave me alone. And now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt (remember that strong intuition - I didn't put my cards on the table but I had 3 very specific instances of similar 'flashes' of intuition/visions that were confirmed by him) that my intuition has always been trustworthy and right and precise. And now I can let it guide me again. I've been ignoring it for a long time and it's felt strange, since I used to let it chart my course.

I also feel optimistic about his attitude. HE started the conversation which has just about never happened...let me talk and heard me out...and apologized (again this has occurred annually at most!!) and said he knew it was wrong, told me why/how it was wrong, and his plan to change. (No prompting from me whatsoever. If you knew my husband, you'd fall over in your chair. This is hugely unusual for him. I've seen the man exhibit emotion like twice maybe and we have never had such an in depth conversation led by him about our relationship/marriage - this was / is a completely new leaf for him.)

I think we have excellent odds now. I do think immediate action is urgent: we are moving in 1.5 mos but when we arrive I would like to start IC and MC (heck he had a therapist to deal with his father's sudden death and I had a therapist to deal with my huge anxiety/OCD issues, and they're both still practicing in the area we're moving to, so it'll be perfect); in the meantime, I'm going to have him go through "Hold me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love" and "Intimacy After Infidelity" with me as both have excellent guidelines for improving communication & self-intimacy. We're also going to continue to improve/re-gain our bond by making conscious efforts to support each other & act lovingly towards each other.

Of course I'm still shocked, kind of -- when I asked the question ("Are you sure there's no one else you need to tell me about?"), the answer was in my head already. I'm mostly surprised I ignored my intuition, which I've relied heavily on for most of my life. I'll try to never make that mistake again.

isadora posted 4/12/2013 05:17 AM

Too often the BS (myself included) will become energized by what WE can do to help Affair proof our M, post A. But you can't do that. Because you can't control another person. People don't cheat because of poor communication and intimacy issues (although these can lead to the breakdown of a M and detachment by both spouses). Cheating is a choice. An incredibly hurtful and selfish choice made by a broken person with poor coping skills and bad boundaries. The WS has to address this first before any real work on the M can be done.

Hang in there. I get the urge to try to fix things, but ultimately this is something YOU can't fix. He has to fix himself.

mysticpenguin posted 4/13/2013 12:26 PM

^^ You are right. I know you are. I want to fix our communication not just to 'cheat-proof / ONS-proof' our marriage for the future -- I know (& accept, or try to) on an intellectual level at least that my WH needs to fix whatever it is that makes him think it's acceptable to sleep with 4 other women because we're having a rough time, and that I can't fix that, and I can't do anything better or worse or differently to change it either. I know that's going to have to come from HIM. Which sucks. Because if this WAS my fault or was something I could control, then I could predict it, you know? I could say, "I've been a perfect wife for a full year now, so I'm safe." Instead, most of it is going on within HIM, so I can't control it, even by being the perfect wife (as if perfection is even maintainable). It's a big difficult pill to swallow.

Anyway. I am coming out of shock now (stinks that I am somewhat familiar with the early part of the process) and feeling hurt and nauseous and dizzy.

(this following part is copy & pasted from an email I sent to a friend, sorry the formatting is weird)

The one night stands don't hurt as much as the act of him going back time and again to the same girl for a month but they do hurt. I mean, I'm
nowhere NEAR his "last first kiss" now. I wonder unhelpful things such
as, did he kiss them for the first time the same way he kissed me for
the first time? It was the best first kiss EVER and I think of it for
comfort sometimes, even now five years later. But what if it's been
shared with four more girls since then? I think things like that they
got to feel wanted, pursued, chased... he was excited for them and not
for me. I'm so jealous, so deeply jealous that they got to feel like
that. I can't remember (TMI TMI TMI you may want to skip the next
phrase) the last time he's actually come to me with a boner vs. me,
you know, encouraging it. He's been with 4 girls (not even including
me! 5 including me!) in the past year; I've had sex with 4 guys IN MY
LIFE. I wonder if they were hotter than me, better at showing
enthusiasm. And I'm mad because I helped him get ready to go out every
night! Told him if his outfit looked good, if he used enough cologne
but not too much, if his hair looked good! Measured out protein and
crap for him to bring along! I mean I know he would've done it himself
if I was not willing to help but it's just the dichotomy.... Ask your
wife who misses having sex with you SO DAMN MUCH (to be fair, I know I
didn't communicate this to him; but, to be fair to me, he didn't tell
me how he was feeling and why and what I could do to fix it) to help
you, advise you, tell you if you look good, and then leave her at home
and go and give another woman attention.

I thought being dieted down and looking HOT for the show (I'm an NPC Bikini competitor) would
reignite our sex life. I thought that's all I needed to do. And when
it didn't happen, I thought to myself, "Don't blame him or make him
feel criticized. Just keep waiting. Don't make him feel bad
about it. It's probably hormonal."

I mean, my hormones were fluctuating too. After I finished the prep
diet (for last year's Bikini show) I had like a month-long period. That took my mind off sex for a
while. Then I gained weight and felt disgusting in my own body, which,
wouldn't ya know, is also a libido killer. And throughout the whole
process, over the course of the last year, I've gotten rejected pretty
often. I realize now that I shouldn't have thought, "Well I tried
twice so now it's his turn," but at this point I don't want to risk
rejection because knowing I'm getting rejected and so many other girls
got a green light...it's like a body blow. I know I can't think of it
like that but this is still so raw - I wish he'd told me right away so
I could have healed from ALL of it all at once. I'd be 2 months
further into the process now.