^^ You are right. I know you are. I want to fix our communication not just to 'cheat-proof / ONS-proof' our marriage for the future -- I know (& accept, or try to) on an intellectual level at least that my WH needs to fix whatever it is that makes him think it's acceptable to sleep with 4 other women because we're having a rough time, and that I can't fix that, and I can't do anything better or worse or differently to change it either. I know that's going to have to come from HIM. Which sucks. Because if this WAS my fault or was something I could control, then I could predict it, you know? I could say, "I've been a perfect wife for a full year now, so I'm safe." Instead, most of it is going on within HIM, so I can't control it, even by being the perfect wife (as if perfection is even maintainable). It's a big difficult pill to swallow.
Anyway. I am coming out of shock now (stinks that I am somewhat familiar with the early part of the process) and feeling hurt and nauseous and dizzy.
(this following part is copy & pasted from an email I sent to a friend, sorry the formatting is weird)
The one night stands don't hurt as much as the act of him going back time and again to the same girl for a month but they do hurt. I mean, I'm
nowhere NEAR his "last first kiss" now. I wonder unhelpful things such
as, did he kiss them for the first time the same way he kissed me for
the first time? It was the best first kiss EVER and I think of it for
comfort sometimes, even now five years later. But what if it's been
shared with four more girls since then? I think things like that they
got to feel wanted, pursued, chased... he was excited for them and not
for me. I'm so jealous, so deeply jealous that they got to feel like
that. I can't remember (TMI TMI TMI you may want to skip the next
phrase) the last time he's actually come to me with a boner vs. me,
you know, encouraging it. He's been with 4 girls (not even including
me! 5 including me!) in the past year; I've had sex with 4 guys IN MY
LIFE. I wonder if they were hotter than me, better at showing
enthusiasm. And I'm mad because I helped him get ready to go out every
night! Told him if his outfit looked good, if he used enough cologne
but not too much, if his hair looked good! Measured out protein and
crap for him to bring along! I mean I know he would've done it himself
if I was not willing to help but it's just the dichotomy.... Ask your
wife who misses having sex with you SO DAMN MUCH (to be fair, I know I
didn't communicate this to him; but, to be fair to me, he didn't tell
me how he was feeling and why and what I could do to fix it) to help
you, advise you, tell you if you look good, and then leave her at home
and go and give another woman attention.
I thought being dieted down and looking HOT for the show (I'm an NPC Bikini competitor) would
reignite our sex life. I thought that's all I needed to do. And when
it didn't happen, I thought to myself, "Don't blame him or make him
feel criticized. Just keep waiting. Don't make him feel bad
about it. It's probably hormonal."
I mean, my hormones were fluctuating too. After I finished the prep
diet (for last year's Bikini show) I had like a month-long period. That took my mind off sex for a
while. Then I gained weight and felt disgusting in my own body, which,
wouldn't ya know, is also a libido killer. And throughout the whole
process, over the course of the last year, I've gotten rejected pretty
often. I realize now that I shouldn't have thought, "Well I tried
twice so now it's his turn," but at this point I don't want to risk
rejection because knowing I'm getting rejected and so many other girls
got a green light...it's like a body blow. I know I can't think of it
like that but this is still so raw - I wish he'd told me right away so
I could have healed from ALL of it all at once. I'd be 2 months
further into the process now.