Keeping myself occupied with taking care of and teaching my daughter has been the only thing that brings distraction and some level of peace to me. My H changes between very dark depressed struggles and feeling it's best to have us back, then today telling me that he really doesn't like me and that I was never worth marrying and he should have left me in the ditch where I belong. It hurts to hear his pain and anger so deeply hurting. I hate myself, keep asking myself why, how could I have lied to him when he was deeply in love with me, cheated on him when he needed me? The karma bus has hit me hard for sure. I've learned to leave him alone as he asked me to. I know I respect myself now and will never dishonor myself or my family again, but I can't do anything to lessen his suffering from my betrayal or make my family be together. It all makes me sick what I've done.
It's been a very long time since you've posted.
How old is your DD?
Good to hear from you. My daughter is 6.
I hope you and your BH will be able to help her through this. I hope you can make it through this too. It's going to be a very long road for all of you.
Wishing you and your family strength and peace as you struggle through. Mt heart aches for you having to explain to your DD.
Edit for typo
[This message edited by knightsbff at 12:18 AM, April 12th, 2013 (Friday)]
I edit often because I make a lot of typos. ☺️
I'm a BS. I can understand that your BS might lash out verbally in anger, but degrading you in that way because of his pain, doesn't make it right. He's being verbally abusive and it's not ok.
Did he sleep with other women before you separated? Regardless, it sounds as if neither of you are sure whether your relationship is truly over. You see, to me, that sounds like he did the revenge affair thing, that you're both madhatters? I wonder if that's why his anger towards you is so nasty...maybe it's also how he feels about himself and he's trying to blameshift onto you?
Just some thoughts anyway.
"lift your drooping hands and strengthen your weak knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be put out of joint, but rather be healed" Heb12v13
"Oh God give me
Sorry to any BS reading this as you must think "shut up and live in it - you made this mess yourself."
I'm a BS and I'm not thinking that at all. I'm thinking, hey, you're separated. You shouldn't have had to take his verbal abuse before and you sure as hell don't have to take it now. Can you talk to him about keeping communication civil and only regarding your daughter?
[This message edited by burntashes at 12:44 PM, April 12th (Friday)]
It appears you are in no healthier a mindset based on your posts.
I hope you start to finally work on you, after 3 years (and prior) of working just to please him.
Mrs Panda, thanks for checking in. I'm in a healthier place in that I don't just accept any treatment because I think I deserve it anymore. I am out because I can't continue to live in a "marriage" where he can't accept or respect me anymore, but he still seems to care about me when he's not angry. I am making changes for myself, to have healthier thought processes, to own my own actions and have personal boundaries with everyone including H. I agree that it's not entirely healthy and I've got a long way to go. Self forgiveness hasn't been possible yet - how could I seeing how much he's still hurting? But I know what he chooses to do is on him, not me, no matter how guilty I feel. It's a start and daily progress.
[This message edited by burntashes at 6:17 PM, April 12th (Friday)]
I think I have buried my pain for the most part. When I brought in up in the past he would admit that it was wrong except when he was really angry, but continued discussion usually goes back to what I did to him and how that's the catalyst of all of it, that he would have been faithful all along "but for" my cheating. I got tired of the same argument and how it usually ends up with him telling me how I was stupid to equate the two that I figured I'd rather avoid it. In spite of that it still comes out at times, sometimes in heated arguments and when I couldn't take anymore digs from him I would lash out all of that pain in a fury, last time ending in me punching and bruising his arm and mine. That was when I decided to leave because the stress was too much for us both. No matter how guilty I feel, deep down I know I made him sad and angry, but I didn't make him go have sex with other women.
He's starting to come around and tell me that he thinks it's best we try to get over it and be back together as a family. He misses DD a lot. I said the only way that could work is for us to respect each other and be working toward a real loving marriage. He admitted that what he did was wrong and that he needs to work on healthier ways of dealing with stress. We will spend some time together as a family and see how he feels from there.
"You are so replaceable. You are just some stupid (ethnicity) girl that gets talked into things." and "You're not the only girl in the world." It feels so degrading and offensive to me
after DDay he slept with more than a few women
I agree with pp's that you are stuck. Shame is never healthy. Guilt says "I did/am doing something bad." If we listen to it we can avoid doing things that are harmful to ourselves and others. Shame says "I am bad." It comes from stuffing our guilty feelings instead of facing and dealing with them and it is unhealthy.
I think you are stuck in shame and you are still piling more on. You are feeling shame for your H's A's as well as your own.
He admitted it wasn't a good way to cope but doesn't think he strayed because I already cheated on him and that there was "no marriage to break" as I already broke it. He said he only did it because he was so lost he needed comfort from a woman, and he sure wasn't going to turn to his "cheating wife" - me - even though I was begging him to let me take care of him.
him saying I am immature and not very smart to even compare his actions to mine.
I've given up trying to talk to him about it..... Water under the bridge.
It was my actions that changed him and made him want to look outward. How can I blame him that much?
Burnt, you are so back and forth I'm getting dizzy. You can't base self forgiveness on what he does. You have to dig it out of yourself. And how can you expect something from someone else that you won't do for yourself?
This dynamic seems to have been going on a while? When will it stop?
And it sounds like that's already in the works.
By the end of this thread, you will be back again in this dysfunctional marriage.
Your daughter is getting older. She sees it all.
She sees Mommy hates hersefl, has no respect for herself, seeks attention through drama. Daddy disrespects Mommy, women, and her race. Awesome.
Mommy hates herself, doesn't respect herself, seeks attention from drama. Daddy disrespects Mommy, women, her race.