SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Zamas posted 4/12/2013 07:11 AM

It makes absolutely no sense at all, but I am so angry at this website/posters for being SO right that my WH was TT'ing me. I so wanted to believe him and chose to ignore what everyone was warning me about and I stuck my head right back in the sand only to have the mother of all bombs dropped onto me. You guys were right about everything, all of it, and it makes me so unreasonably mad.

tushnurse posted 4/12/2013 07:34 AM

(((Zamas)))) The only reason we tell you things like that is to hope that you will learn from the mistakes the rest of us have made. Please know that we are not judging, we come from a place of good will.
I am so sorry to hear that you are hurting.

((((and strength ))))

Zamas posted 4/12/2013 07:52 AM

Whoops double post

[This message edited by Zamas at 11:47 AM, April 12th (Friday)]

Zamas posted 4/12/2013 07:52 AM

I know that, I really do. This site has been so helpful to me the past few weeks. I feel less alone and I'm no longer turning it inward a d blaming myself. I think I was just so mad bc I wanted my husband to be the exception, the stand up guy amongst a crowd of men, and he wasn't. This site has been invaluable.

noprincess posted 4/12/2013 08:47 AM

Hugs (((Zamas)))!

I'm so sorry for your situation. I did a lot of reading here on SI before I ever posted and I suppose that did prepare me a little for the TT and the lies that follow D-Day. The pain and anger are EPIC!

Stay here and know that these wise people will continue to support you and never judge. We all want, more than anything, to spare you any more pain and misery.

The OW is pregnant, this alone is so much to process (((Zamas))). What is the status of things with your H now? Are you in a place where you can tell us more about what is going on in your situation?

We are all here for your support and to help you get to the other side of this.

Zamas posted 4/12/2013 11:45 AM

Basically, he left. They're in love, he wants this baby, and they're moving in together, two minutes from my home. He has fooled himself into believing that we were over long before he ever started screwing her so he expects me to be grown up and mature about this separation. We weren't though, he TT'd me enough that we were fixing our marriage (HA) with HB, communication, MC, the whole bit, but he was with her the entire time. They had a standing Wednesday date for months where I thought he was working but they were together. Meanwhile, we had MC on Thursday. The whole situation is so twisted and cruel that I still haven't wrapped my head around just how successfully he played me. I'm almost not even heartbroken because he is so far away from the man I married I don't even recognize him anymore. I think it's just shock though, I'm in limbo and it hasn't fully sunken in yet.

tushnurse posted 4/12/2013 12:02 PM

Wow, he's in deep.
You do realize it only takes one to ruin a marriage, but takes 2 with a whole lot of work, to R.
That this is not your fault.
He has made his choice, and for whatever his broken thinking is, he is deep in the fog.
Do yourself a favor, go see an attorney, find out what your rights are. knowledge is strength.

If you have children together, it's time to lay down some ground rules. He has to be dad to his other kids.

((((Zamas)))))

BaldwinBeauty59 posted 4/12/2013 12:19 PM

Zamas - what a dipshit your WH is. He is in love with a whore that is willing and actively helping to destroy the lives of his wife and three children? He is abandoning you, his children, and your marriage for a slut that has sex with MM? They deserve each other. They are both sick and broken. I hope you get mad. I mean good and mad and that anger holds you up and gives you the energy and strength to take care of you and your children. I feel so badly for you and your little ones. Please see a lawyer now and get child support orders (and hopefully spousal support) before the slut does. Why let her get the lion's share of child support? She will dump him when a better dick comes along. Every time he is away from her, he gets to worry who she is doing behind his back. He knows he can't trust her and she knows she can't trust him. Two peas in a pod making each other miserable is what will eventually happen when the "fog" clears.

1Faith posted 4/12/2013 12:34 PM

Oh Zamas

Of course you are spinning. Once again you are back at the beginning, when a new reality is being presented to you when you already thought you knew what reality was.

It hurts that your H chose to lie to you rather than be honest that he was still seeing the OW. That after all the pain he saw you in he could still be so cruel not only hard to understand, it is hard to stomach.

I have been where you are a lot of us have.

I hope you are seeing a IC. You need to regain some of the control of your situation by seeing an attorney. Don't get blindsided financially if you can help it.

Empower yourself rather than just wait to be at your H's whim. He has already proven to you that he does not care about your or your family's feelings or well being. And I am so sorry for that.

You need to care about you and seeing an attorney will give you some control over your future.

After all I have been through with my H I do not believe love is blind.

Real love is very clearly sighted. It sees all the flaws, all the imperfections and still loves despite those things. The fault in love is the trust.

When we love someone we trust they will love us back with the same tenderness and concern for our feelings that we give them, and we BS's know all too well that that is not always the case.

You love your H so much you gave him more trust than he has earned and it is time to stop.

I think what you should do next is focus on you. Focus on your health, your sanity, your family and your options.

Take you time and think going over all the good and all the very very bad. SO you are no longer trusting blindly.

My heart aches for you. Try to stay strong.

You are not alone. And you and your children matter. Praying for healing. One day at a time.

Phoenix1 posted 4/12/2013 12:47 PM

Zamas, I understand your wanting to think your WH was the "exception." I thought the same way. I think, at least on my part, it was a kind of denial that this is really happening to me and I didn't want to think this could be the end of a marriage I committed to for life. I just couldn't understand how that commitment could possibly be so one-sided, but the ugly realization is that it has been one-sided as soon as the honeymoon fog lifted. Take strength from your anger and take action to let him know that while you may still love him deep down, you are not a fool, will no longer let him call the shots, and you will do what you have to do to protect yourself and your children.

k94ever posted 4/12/2013 12:52 PM

Zamas, you need to get a lawyer like yesterday.

It's war now. He is NOT your friend, he will NOT do the right thing financially for you and your kids. He is NOT a stand-up guy.

Get thee to a lawyer right now.

k9

Zamas posted 4/12/2013 13:00 PM

Thank you all for your kind words and strength. We have worked out a child support/alimony/custody arrangement ourselves and we are currently drawing up the papers to submit to the courts. We don't have much extra cash so we are trying to avoid lawyers but I plan on having a friend of mine who works for a law office take a look at our arrangement to spot any obvious loopholes. The money he is offering is way more than a court would do, particularly bc his main income is a taxi service that is run completely off the books. Hopefully by Monday we will go and get it all notarized and then it can sink in and I can start to come to terms with it all. Right now I really just want space and time away from him but with this still so unsettled I don't want to risk him getting pissed off and saying "eff you take me to court" particularly since both of whores parents are lawyers. So I'm just playing the game, being civil with him, until its all notarized and then I can cut him out of my life. Except where the kids are concerned though.

Zamas posted 4/12/2013 13:00 PM

Another double post, what the heck

[This message edited by Zamas at 1:02 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

movingforward13 posted 4/12/2013 13:07 PM

(((Zamas))) you make me want to come to New Jersey to give you a hug. I am sooooooooooo sorry. Please take care of yourself. *hugs*

Phoenix1 posted 4/12/2013 13:12 PM

Sometimes "playing the game" is exactly what you need to do to get what you need. Patience can indeed be a virtue and pay off well. You know your situation better than anyone. Knowledge is power in that game.

BrighterFuture posted 4/12/2013 17:20 PM

Your situation just makes me angry. So, your 3 kids mean nothing and all of a sudden the whore and the child she carries mean everything. How a man can forsake his kids, not caring how their lives are impacted because they have another woman just makes me so angry. The child is not even born yet, and his 3 kids mean nothing to him to want to make it work. I'll never understand.

sparklingwater posted 4/12/2013 17:30 PM

(((Zamas)))

I really feel for you in this terrible situation and it's not surprising you are in shock. All I can say is put yourself and your children first in all decisions you make right now. They are your focus. He has made his decisions and he will have to live with them. Personally, I think in time they will haunt him.

Keep posting and venting and getting support here. It helps.

Zamas posted 4/12/2013 19:11 PM

I agree, he has no idea what he wants, where he's heading, nothing. I was his first relationship and almost feel like this is a combination of him sowing some oats and an early midlife crisis bc he is nowhere close to where he thought he would be at this age. Not that I'm excusing him at all, I could never take him back after all he's done to me and the kids through. The worst part, absolute worst part, is this whore has three kids of her own already - all the same age as my own kids. He's basically replaced me and my babies with her and hers, plus another one on the way.

He's like a Jerry Springer episode. Now in his life, there are 7 kids, 2 moms, and 3 dads. What a fucking winner. Either she is his soul mate and it's fate, or he is in a crazy spiral downwards and has no idea what he wants.

[This message edited by Zamas at 7:13 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

BrighterFuture posted 4/12/2013 19:43 PM

This lady has 3 kids already?
That's an important detail I didn't know about. That post that says they always affair down is so true

Zamas posted 4/12/2013 20:27 PM

Yup, three kids from two different dads. The older two love with her ex husband 2 hours away and the 10mo old lives with her as her ex bf is in and out of rehab for coke addiction. I have been dragged into the dregs of humanity with this move by WH. I told him it makes sense now how his worst insult he could think of was to call someone whit trash, apparently that was the self-loathing talking.