SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

My D-day was 3/21/2013 and I am still walking around in my OMG stage. We have been talking. We have been trying. But it seems like every time we take a step forward there is something to push us back a step. Yesterday when I got the mail his credit card statement was there. I opened it to find charges associated with the affair. I then asked for access to bank and credit card accounts. HE REFUSED. I then went on to tell him that we can not move forward until I get that. He then ended up admitting to more lies and told me what I will see will hurt me. I understand that...Am I wrong to want all the bad to be put in front of me to get it over with? I'm tired of the wound being ripped open every time I turn around.

Am I wrong? I don't know anymore.......

I'm sorry that you are dealing with infidelity. It's a deep, searing wound.
It's been said that you can't heal from what you don't know. Our waywards think that what we don't know can't hurt us.
There are some things in the healing library that you could print out for your H (yellow box), but you might want to delete the source if you want to keep your posts private for now.
It's normal to want to know everything. People seem to ave varying degrees of "need to know". I needed every detail.

No you are not wrong. Everyone is different with different needs for healing. Most people want the information you want.

I think he needs to give you what you want. Only you can decide when enough information is enough.

He simply does not want you to realize he has not been truthful. The statement "it will only hurt you" is WS talk for I am keeping secrets. If he were really concerned with hurting you, he would have never had an affair.

Demand what you need.

Am I wrong to want all the bad to be put in front of me to get it over with?

NO. Just remember this - YOU ARE NOT WRONG in wanting to know all the shit about the A.

You are just 3 weeks out and at this stage, your WH most probabaly does not realise how much damage his A wold have done to you and your family. He would want to rug-sweep and just move forward as if nothing happened. He will obviously tell you that he loves you now and he wants to be only with you.

You need to put your foot down. If you want to R, you need to tell him what you want from him - NC, full disclosure, the complete truth, him working on himself, supporting you through this trauma, honest communication going forward.

Full disclosure is a very important part according to me. You have a right to know who the hell you are have been staying with and whether you want to stay with such a person. 'It will hurt you' is bollocks and just protecting himself. Yuu get to decide what level of detail you need. 'I dont know' and 'I dont remember' is bull-shit. He knows but chooses not to share.

Thank you all so much. I was starting to feel like I was going crazy.

Every time we talk something new comes out and it starts all over again.

He is full of the sweet talk over text message but when we talk he is the same impatient and rude man he had become.

He had promised to send me the account information today and I have still not received it. I am sure he will have some excuse.

I changed my cell phone number and will not give it to him until he sends me the information.
--

You are brave. You want the bad out on the table to deal with it. He has to step up and handle what he has done. Also, you should be involved in your finances. If he keeps large chunks of the info from you, you are bound to find out and start being sucked back into the deep pain and anger (you dont need help with this, it can do a good job sneaking up on you with no help at all).
That said, you need the truth and you sound like you are showing him you are open to R if he can step up with you and own everything he has done. I wish you luck.

I needed to know EVERYTHING. I was able to get my hands on WH computer and read all of the horrible details myself but even then I made him sit down with me one night, read the emails with me, and tell me everything from start to finish. The fact that he told me things that are rather humiliating has been one of the things that makes me feel more secure in his effort for R. I also think him reading the emails with me and telling me things snapped him out of his fog. Because as he started saying things out loud there were a lot of "DUH" momets. At the end I asked him to rack his brain for anything he's left out because if I found out about anything later it would start the clock back at D-Day for me. So no, you're *not* crazy and I would tell him he either spills the beans and ends all contact or you're leaving. And you need to have all access to your finances, it's only right.

Hugs to you and sorry you had to join this miserable club we're all a part of.

[This message edited by cliffside at 10:39 AM, April 13th (Saturday)]

I wanted to send an update.

I was finally given access to his credit card accounts and it was just as bad if not worse than I thought it would be. It hurt just as much as I thought it would. His reactions were typical, all about him and his feelings. I think at this point my ideas of reconciliation are only a fantasy.

I had a private one on one counseling today and I need to stop enabling him. Today is another day of heartache and misery.

Thank you for all of your support.