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Keeva posted 4/12/2013 11:40 AM

I don't really know what to say but I'm feeling totally alone at the moment.

My H just admitted that he had been unfaithful, again. 2 years ago I busted him hooking up with random OW and I thought we had just gotten to a better place.

He's been out of town since Monday for a work training and Wednesday I came across 2 emails he apparently thought were deleted so I called him out and he confessed.

I haven't talked to him since. He's due to be back tonight and I'm not really sure I even want to see him.

I run a business from our home (have clients all day long in & out) so I can't just pick up and leave. We also have a child together.

I guess I just don't know what to do or think. In total honestly I feel nothing, no anger, sadness, frustration, betrayal... literally nothing. I haven't cried or worried about anything, just been going about my days as if everything is normal but a bit disconnected I guess.

WH has left me several teary voicemails, sent many texts messages, and emailed me a "plan of action" for how he plans to change things and rebuild our relationship and trust but I've ignored them all.

He's back tonight and I'll have to deal with it then I guess. From what I'm reading though on "how to act" after this I'm basically supposed to pretend everything is fine just be distant? Any advice

tushnurse posted 4/12/2013 11:49 AM

Keeva, I am sorry you are here. I know that it's a lot to consider. But in answer to your question.

Yes. This is his KNOWN second offense??
I would tell him to find someplace else to go tonight, and stay until he can get himself some help, and really prove to you that he is fixing what is broken in him.
You probably don't feel much, because you went through it before. Find an attorney, and make an appt. Find out what your rights are. Knowledge is strength. He broke the vows. It's your turn to be in the drivers seat. You get to decide how this goes down.
Wishing you luck, and strength, and (((hugs)))

Lalagirl posted 4/12/2013 12:08 PM


I would tell him to find someplace else to go tonight, and stay until he can get himself some help, and really prove to you that he is fixing what is broken in him.

I was going to say the same thing. YOU don't have to go anywhere. And nothing has to be permanent - this is going to be contingent on his efforts. But you need some time alone right now, in my opinion.

Also in my opinion, his ass got caught and he's doing damage control. You are doing the right thing. CRICKETS for now...until YOU are good and ready to talk. So you don't have to deal with it tonight. Pack him a bag and text him to tell him it will be outside. Tell him to reserve a hotel room.

Big hugs...


Lalagirl posted 4/12/2013 12:12 PM

WH has left me several teary voicemails, sent many texts messages, and emailed me a "plan of action" for how he plans to change things and rebuild our relationship and trust but I've ignored them all.

This is what I mean by damage control. NOW he wants to fix things? SMH.

This is what I did with FWH - I told him we are separated until HE made an appointment with IC and went to a few sessions, then HE was to follow up and make MC appointments. It was all on him. Because frankly, MC is a moot point if he is not willing to do the work to fix himself.

daledge posted 4/12/2013 12:42 PM

I agree with tuchnurse. To hell with him. Be cold and distant, tell him it's up to him to SHOW YOU how he's going to make the major changes necessary. Set your conditions. After you kick his ass out,give him your list.
I don't believe in second chances myself, but so far so good with us. But if he strays again - I will destroy them both.
Good luck!

Keeva posted 4/12/2013 15:15 PM

I am going to tell him he can find elsewhere to stay. I don't want him here, I have the next 4 days off (so much for my fun vacation from work) so I'll be trying to sort things out somehow during this time.

This is his SECOND betrayal. The first one was linked to alcohol, he'd go out with his buddy (a player if you will) get black out drunk and wake up with some CL hookup, facilitated by the 'friend' apparently or a barfly (3 OW that he's admitted to). The alcohol was a MAJOR problem and I left, he went to rehab and cut ties with 'tigger' people so we reconciled (I was preggo at the time). Things were rough but we worked hard and I had thought things were much better!

But apparently he just replaced the alcohol addition with SA (which probably was the ultimate problem the whole time, alcohol was covering).

Last time I was beyond hurt, I cried and had anxiety. but now nothing. I'm literally more upset that I'll have to move and close my business (WH is the breadwinner and my income wouldn't cover staying), I feel pathetic that those are what I'm worrying the most about. Last night felt like every other night, I played with DD, went out to dinner with my grandma(didn't say anything about this though), watched some tv and wasted time on the internet. I did find this site around the end of the night but other than that I've been normal.

You guys totally are right about his "plan of action," it is just damage control. Until he's actually going to meetings and seeing a therapist its all bullsh!t.

Thanks for you input and advice, even though I don't want to be here its nice that it exists for help and support.

livebythesea posted 4/12/2013 15:53 PM

I actually can feel your pain! Do what your heart tells you to do. Sometime that is all we have to go with. Sit in silence, try to drain all your worries, and feel your instincts. If you really really really love him, and living without him will be worse than living with him, do what you think is best, but if you think, for a moment, you can actually have a healthy life without him, move on.

Getting to Happy posted 4/12/2013 22:07 PM


Keeva posted 4/13/2013 01:10 AM

WH came home earlier than expected, was supposed to be home in evening and showed up at 2pm. I wasn't happy to see him and had work so I just ignored him until the evening.

So after work was done and DD in bed (7PM) we had the talk. When I confronted him via the phone when he was gone (Wednesday) he admitted that he had been unfaithful and I lit into him and then hung up, our call was 2 minutes total and I haven't responded since to his calls/texts/emails. So I really had no idea what he did and just left it up to my imagination and the 2 emails I had found (emails to CL personal ads asking for more info). Apparently the story is he's reached out on CL and got off on the danger of replying but didn't meet anyone BUT apparently he has been hitting the "back room" of porn shops and getting his junk sucked when he says he's out running errands. What?! The kicker is that its usually all guys there, he says he's not interested in men but then when your dropping you junk in a glory hole for a man to suck how can you say that?! He says he's never gone any further or been the one giving the BJ but who knows. He's a SA, that's all there is to it.

I feel so naļve because honestly I didn't even know (or think about I guess) these things were done at porn shops! Maybe I've just never been to the right kind of shop that does this.

Either way WH is not welcome. I'm not making any decision about the future right now. I need to see action and emotions to return so I know where I stand. If I feel like I love him or hate him. Right now there is still nothing.

[This message edited by Keeva at 1:13 AM, April 13th (Saturday)]

tushnurse posted 4/15/2013 08:07 AM


Yah he has some serious issues. Past experience leads me to believe the previous times probably had more to it than you know as well.

He needs help, and only he can decide if he wants it. Sad but true.

Please concentrate on taking care of yourself. Eat, Drink, Exercise, get good sleep. Lastly PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go get yourself tested for STD's. A man that has admitted to this many indisecretions could have something. HPV in men is silent, and in women, often is, or looks and feels a lot like a yeast infection.

Keep coming here for strength and support.

((((and strength)))))

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