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Newest Member: NEfEm (46010)

User Topic: Almost A Year..
bleemoveson23
♀ 36523
Member # 36523
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't even know how to begin or what to say...

I can summarize how things have been going in bullet points...

- I am still living in a room, have no car, still not getting child support, although I have gotten smarter and ask xh to buy me diapers and wipes whenever I need them.

-No paperwork has been filed.

I don't know what the hell I'm waiting for. I feel nothing in my heart for this man anymore and I know and have accepted that he feels nothing for me. He is my son's father and we aren't even co parenting. I ask him a question in re: to our son and he cant even look me in the eyes and baby E's first birthday was a fiasco...and we just don't get along at all.

Just annoying to even have to deal with him. Its amazing how we loved each other so passionately and now aren't even as close as strangers on a crowded subway.

Anyway, I know we are headed for divorce, that's a given, but I refuse to pay the 400 to do it through legal zoom because I told him he would have to .

He also randomly asked me for a paternity test...and I in return was shocked and yet the paternity test never came...

I am just waiting for him to get shit going already. Credit card companies keep calling me... he hasn't made any payments on bills he rang up on my credit and is living blissfully in his apartment with no care in the world. Sigh. Smh. NO this isn't blaming him this is the reality of my life.

Anyway, the good news is my new job is amazing. Good pay finally, I just have to finsih paying off some debt because i borrowed some money from people and I can start saving for a car and for my own apartment.

I am not angry at myself anymore for cheating. I forgave myself. I just want to be a better person to whoever I end up with in the future. I am proud every single day of the things I do for my son, and he is my world.

I dont really know what else to say honestly. I dont feel super happy (unless IM with baby E) and I have pretty much lost all his family so I am feeling alone where I live ...just biding my time until I get my own place and car....


mothertobabyE-28

"don't judge me by my past. I don't live there anymore"


Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Long Island, New York
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, April 12th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Blee! Been wondering how you're doing.

I refuse to pay the 400 to do it through legal zoom because I told him he would have to
So you are basically going to cut off your nose to spite your face? I ask because:
I am just waiting for him to get shit going already. Credit card companies keep calling me... he hasn't made any payments on bills he rang up on my credit and is living blissfully in his apartment with no care in the world.
Why should he get the ball rolling? He has no obligation to any kind of child support unless you happen to ask him for diapers and wipes. So he's off the hook. He wracked up your (solely yours?) credit cards and doesn't have to pay that. And you stated that you'll never file for divorce. That he would have to. Why should he? He has no reason to. kwim?

Maybe I'm crazy but I would think as long as there was a chance (no matter how small) of salvaging the marriage that of course the WS would fight D. However, you're both totally done. Why not just file and be done? It just seems kind of spiteful to me.

Congrats on getting a new job. That will definitely bring some sort of stability for you.

I am not angry at myself anymore for cheating. I forgave myself. I just want to be a better person to whoever I end up with in the future.
Have you done the work on yourself, do you know your whys, do you understand yourself and changed the issues so that you truly are a better person with the next relationship you enter?

Good to hear from you. Thanks for the update. Baby is already a year old!? Wow.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6527 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 1:09 AM, April 13th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Blee! Great to hear from you.

Congrats on the new job, that is great news!

sorry to hear about the situation with your H. That must be hard to deal with.

I agree with Aubrie, I don't think he is going to do anything anytime soon re:D, why should he?

I was told by someone that the local court has a divorce 'help desk' and they will walk you through the process at no charge, maybe there is something in your area like that???

I think you need to really think about how your healing and moving forward might be hampered by your current status.

baby E's first birthday was a fiasco

I am sorry about this. - Hugs to you and baby E


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
bleemoveson23
♀ 36523
Member # 36523
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Aubrie!

It does seem spiteful actually, now that I go back and look at it. A small part of me also doesn't do anything because I am still battling with the whole I'm a bad person, I cheated and I would be messed up to proceed with divorce first...

I know he doesn't want to do paperwork b/c he knows he would then definitely be under legal obligation to help me provide for baby E.

I did make a decision this weekend to ask him to go half at least and that we can get some lawyer written agreement. I dont want a lot from him just some help with groceries for baby E.

Honestly, I did more than enough work. I dont mean that to sound bitchy, but there isnt much more for me to unravel. I saw the why and what of why I did what I did and I know I will never do that again. The biggest "therapy" and "Work" I have done, is be alone and a single mother. Its slowly letting me appreciate my self worth and that I am pretty awesome and doing a really good job with my baby boy!

Badchoice- hi! thank you for taking the time to reach out to me. How are things with you?



mothertobabyE-28

"don't judge me by my past. I don't live there anymore"


Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Long Island, New York
She-Ra
♀ 36033
Member # 36033
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Blee,

Thanks for sharing your update. Congrats on the new job! Yes I would have to say you have been doing the work and have come a long way. It hasn't been easy and part of the battle was holding out for hope to R. Unfortunately that day never came and your BH decided it was a deal breaker plus become a half ass dad. That has nothing to do with infidelity that is just him being immature.

Maybe you do have to be the one to file to get closure. On paper yes it could be him to file but he is too lazy and doesn't want to face extra responsibility that comes with it.

Good luck with the next steps. Take care


WW/BW 33 BH/WH 34
Both in IC/MC. Finally in R.
1 year old beautiful daughter

Posts: 886 | Registered: Jul 2012
Aubrie
♀ 33886
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, April 17th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am not angry at myself anymore for cheating. I forgave myself. I just want to be a better person to whoever I end up with in the future. I am proud every single day of the things I do for my son, and he is my world.
is not entirely consistent with:
A small part of me also doesn't do anything because I am still battling with the whole I'm a bad person, I cheated and I would be messed up to proceed with divorce first
Just sayin'.

The biggest "therapy" and "Work" I have done, is be alone and a single mother.
Being a single parent doesn't mean a person automatically win the Awesome Award of Health and Completion. (I mean absolutely no disrespect to single parenting. It's a very hard job. But it doesn't mean you are guaranteed to be healthy.)

Based on your logic, I can look at my own situation and say, "I'm a better wife and mother. I'm more present, I cook and clean, I school the kids and sew and alter their clothing as needed. I've made my family the center of my universe. I know how bad I hurt my husband and I'll never do that again. I'm a better woman."

Nooo...I'm better at domestics. Not better mentally. I have replaced the AP with my family. And yeah, that's all well and good, but what happens when the kids outgrow their extreme dependence on me? What happens when my husband hits mid-life and his hormones whack out? How do I cope and deal with life? How will I face life's challenges from this point on? kwim?

If you have healed and worked thru your stuff in under a year. I congratulate you. However, if you've only convinced yourself that you're ok, healed, and moved on, I suspect you'll be back here one day asking again, "How did this become my life again?".

I think that living on your own and supporting yourself has been huge. You came here completely dependent on everyone around you. You could not and would not think for yourself. You've started to find your back bone and be an adult. I applaud you for that.

Keep up the good work.

[This message edited by Aubrie84 at 11:47 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6527 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
bleemoveson23
♀ 36523
Member # 36523
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Aubrie- I hope you see this and respond. You are absolutely right and you touched on something that really hit me yesterday night that I came on here to post AND then I saw your response as well.

I think I am trying to hard to convince myself I have forgiven myself. I do not think I have yet, I still haven't let go of that guilt and honestly I just do not know how to.

However, I have done the work to understand the WHY and the WHAT and to really grasp how not to fall into that again. I can say that without any kind of hesitation or conflict. Aubrie, I dont depend on anyone anymore. I have found my backbone.

ANd before i say why I came here to post again, just to touch on the single Mom thing, what I meant more was that it helped me see that I am capable of making decisions on my own, capable of handling things on my own and able to be a mature adult, does that make sense?

And on to why I came on to post.

So, long story short the xh told me his "hate" for me comes and goes but more than anything he doesnt want to have any interaction with me and if it wasn't for Ethan he would never want to see me again in his life. I wasnt mad at him or upset, or even hurt....I was sad that my affair was a deal breaker for him, regardless of the work I put in. It was a healthy sadness and so I told him to save 200, I would save 200 and that we would split the cost of the divorce. I told him I want the engagement ring and my wedding band (to pawn for a car). I told him to give me my cc, and also that I was giving him a few more months to be financially stable and that we would need to agree on a set amount of child support he could give me a month so that I wouldn't have to ask him every other week.

I wont lie. I cried a bit, felt final, but I am ok. I wonder sometimes what love really is, what makes a person worthy of a second chance and what doesnt? What kind of person does it take to give someone a second chance? If you love someone, is it possible to cheat on them? And at the same time, if you have been cheated on, can you love someone enough to forgive?

Anyway. Messedupchick- HI! I did take responsibility. Scary but I will get there!!!!


mothertobabyE-28

"don't judge me by my past. I don't live there anymore"


Posts: 265 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Long Island, New York
badchoice
♂ 35566
Member # 35566
Default  Posted: 5:58 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi Blee - I am ok - some days better than others.

I think I am trying to hard to convince myself I have forgiven myself. I do not think I have yet, I still haven't let go of that guilt and honestly I just do not know how to.

I know what you are going through. I wish I could tell you how to do this, but I have yet to figure it out.

I dont depend on anyone anymore. I have found my backbone.

That is really great to hear. I know this is not what you wanted, but it is important for both you and baby E.

I wasnt mad at him or upset, or even hurt....I was sad

It sounds like the work you have done is allowing yourself to feel and sit with your emotions without reacting to them. As painful as it is, it is an important step.

Good luck Blee


Me: fWH/BH 46

Separated transitioning to D


Posts: 730 | Registered: May 2012 | From: L.A.
burntashes
♀ 29446
Member # 29446
Default  Posted: 2:54 AM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((bleemoveson23)))

You are still grieving the lost of your marriage, the reality of separation and the lost of a complete family for your son sinking in. It's a lot to take in. Then your husband tells you he never wants to see you again. It makes you even more sad. I've been there. At a year out I don't think I even knew day from night and it seemed like a haze of pain. Give yourself time to grieve. In time you will heal from this loss and be more at peace with the past.

About love and second chance - I think sometimes second chances may have more to do with the BS's personal view/beliefs and past experience than love or whether the WS is worthy. It's not about your worth. Sometimes love is not enough to save the relationship, and even the BS may not be able to help feeling that he can't go back. Try to accept that's how he feels now and you can't change how he feels, and when you're sad remember that it's not a reflection of who you are now, but just the reality of things. Focus on your own thought processes, not how you wish he feels because it's not something you can control.

I spent a lot of time being unhappy, feeling stuck, that I couldn't be happy unless he feels love etc. Then I realized if I'm unhappy about a situation, I can either do something to change it or accept it. I couldn't accept being disrespected by how my husband talked to me, so I left, and when he asked me to come back we made it clear that we need to interact in respectful ways, and it's been working. I can't change that he won't love me the way he did before the A again, and I accept it and find happiness in good moments or days. I find when I focus on what I'm thankful for instead of what I wish I have, I'm a lot happier. You have a good job, you can focus on taking care of your son, you have more time to reflect on your thought processes and grow to be more mature and independent - you're doing better everyday. I think it's normal to not be super happy. I have that thought too, then I realized it's more realistic to not be super happy all the time, especially for us WS when there's so much loss and pain to process. I hope you can finalize the separation from your husband and work out the child support soon. Don't feel like you don't have the right to ask him for support for your son. It's his responsibility no matter how he feels about you, because it's about your son together. Hugs to you.


Me: WW/MH 30s Him: 40s 1 Daughter
LTA, not divorced with no R
I confessed PA 6/10. Detailed confession: 9/10. All the truth 9/11.

Posts: 381 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: California
WishingForLethe
♀ 34805
Member # 34805
Default  Posted: 6:00 PM, April 25th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

About being "worthy"-

this is something I have struggled with so much. I totally understand what you are saying. I kept thinking that if I became "perfect" I would be "worthy" of R. Then it seemed so unfair. i had worked so hard, and nothing I did, noting I was would ever be enough. I felt defective (I have abandonment issues anyway).

Although it has become a point of contention, I believe our M was broken long before the A. In fact he acknowledges the only way we would ever have worked out was if I had magically made all these changes on my own, without the A as a catalyst.

Just as the A was about me, not him- his decision is his (he disagrees). I had other choices, so did he. Something in him- whether it is a need for security and safety, or inability to let go, is forcing this decision on him. Now, to be clear- I do NOT at all blame him for his decision. It is not a broken choice like the A was- but it is a choice. R is hard work. There are many who are unwilling or unable to do that work- and that is their right to make that choice.

It is not that you are unworthy- but R cannot be earned. It is a gift some cannot give under any circumstances.

If there WAS a worthiness test- you would pass it. You are a stronger better person. You will survive. Your son is blessed with a mother who is willing to do whatever she has to do to ensure he is well taken care of.


Don't look at how far you have to go, but how far you have come

Posts: 350 | Registered: Feb 2012
Topic Posts: 10

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