atrophiedheart))) Welcome here brother, glad you found us...sure sad you had to!
The reason "working on the M" has been pure hell:
- it's the wrong thing to work on. All your efforts to fix her, nice her, please her, be there for her are completely wasted.
It's tough to hear, I know, but I'm shooting you straight here.
Is it not more accurate to say the (old) M is dead? I think it is. She killed it.
NOT YOU!
Now, you can have a new M, you can offer her the gift of R, but she has to do the heavy work.
The 4 pillars of successful R:
1. Remorse. She has to *be* concerned about the pain and damage she inflicted on you and the girls...not the consequences to herself; sorry she got caught, etc. (that's regret - remorse's bastard cousin)
2. Transparent. She has to *do* things, such as; revealing all passwords, informing you of her location whenever you desire, let you know who is calling, who she's talking to, everything and anything you want to know.
3. Honesty. *Do* tell the truth.
4. NC. *Do* stay away from her AP. In fact, stay away from anyone who aided her, kept secrets for her, covered for her...anyone who is not friends of your (new) M.
That is your road map to emerge from this hell she has caused.
More here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250&HL=25460
The reason she went off on you...sure, she doesn't like the light shined on her shittiness. But also my brother, she did that to shut you down.
To manipulate you into silence (don't tase me bro!).
So now, you're dealing with feelings you're not allowed to have, and you have to stuff them.
Nice, huh?
How does that feel?
I'll tell you - it's abuse. Emotional abuse plain and simple.
Are you going to stand for that? You don't have to be an asshole about it (not that I'd blame you for being completely pissed off, you just don't want to 'abuse back') - but it stops when you say it stops, get that?
To the point where if you have to, you turn your back and walk away.
That's the 180.
You do it for you, not to see if it 'works on her' abusive ass. Walk away. Are you being abused anymore? Nope.
Your walking is making progress - on you! That's all that matters.
Get into it. Own it. If she is incapable of any of those 4 pillars (you need them all), well, you've already been walking on the road to healing, yes? Good!
You deserve the best. You are
a trophy!