Last year i quit Paramedic school and was working a lot to support our family while she finished nursing school. We grew apart and and life really took a toll on our marriage. Well a little over a month ago my wife confessed to having an affair for over a year, and she confessed this to me because the douche bag gave her Chlamydia which she shared with me as well. We've both been tested and all taken care of. She told me she fell in love with him but didnt want to lose me.(Whatever the hell thats supposed to mean.) So we both decided right away to work on our marriage, and it has been hell. Pure. Living. Hell. At least for me. She has apologized many times. She has kept to her promise of NC, she tells me when she feels tempted to contact him and we are able to talk about it. She has seemed to be doing everything she should be. And i began to read and make changes not only in the way i communicate with her but ive also dramatically changed my work schedule so that im able to be home way more. She said her affair was about not feeling loved, needing my attention, and me never being home. Ok i get it, im changing those things. But she is still very distant. I get that its still very early on but come on.......there should be some progress.
Well today i brought up the distance to her in a very calm and loving manner. She lost her shit. Started crying saying im pushing her away, im being a psycho and she told me she did it just get over it. These words hurt more than anything else. My heart dropped, shrank and died a little (actually a lot) more. I love this woman, not just in words. But ive given up so much to help her with her dreams and to take care of her to the best of my abilities. And i continue to do so, to the point that im feeling like im doing all the work to put this back together.
Not sure if this is making sense or just rambling, im so numb and confused now. I feel like i should just walk out and let it die, but i just cant seem to do it. My heart belongs to her. Am i a fool for feeling this way?
Are you both in counselling?
Would you consider going back to paramedic school
Is it over between your wife and the other man (OM)?
Are you sure?
... And remember atrophy is the combination of apoptosis and autophagy...
Meaning that that hyperplasia can make the autophagy cells bigger again
Okay enough with the puns.
180 seems to be a definite must
From my understanding, 180 is giving yourself power back to yourself, which inturn can pull a wayward out of the 'fog' (I.e kick them up the arse).
Now I personally did not have to utilise the 180, so I'm hoping that someone more experienced can pop along and give you specific advice.
But a good example is: limiting contact about the kids, only doing your chores (e.g. only your washing and kids). Making her fit around your schedule (not bending over backwards to please her)
P.s it's bullshit that she thinks its you with the problem. Deep down you know that's not the case. She had many other options! Cheating kills our self esteem , pointing out marriage problems right after the discovery (dday), is disgusting and uncalled for
You deserve far better!
Don't ever forget that
P.s I had far more puns for you, but I thought I would spare you the awkwardness
[This message edited by lauren123 at 9:42 PM, April 12th (Friday)]
Counseling is a no go right now as the money just isnt there. I have considered the 180, but she has told me that while i was working she got used to not having me around. So i dont think it would do any good anyways. And i know its about taking care of myself. Im very seriously considering it now though. As far a Paramedic school goes i will be starting again soon. I havnt given up everything for her, just put it off i guess. Im wondering if i try telling her how her actions made me feel or just go into the 180 and start to distance myself. Sorry but ive never dealt with this before...
Okay, I know that she's telling you that this why I cheated blah blah. She's trying to shift the blame onto you, she doesn't want to see herself in a negative light.
Now im going to stereotype for you: Women sometimes (NOT ALL) take the pitiful option. Knight in shining armour.
Some men take the agro way, my wh said "I did it because you are a boring person"
Nice huh? It's just tactics. That's what they call the fog.
You're home, you're trying, you're giving it your best shot. But she's not. She has all the power.
Try to imagine its a tennis game, your trying one type of method. It's not working, try another (180). Do it slowly if you like.
I'm not sure what country you're in but in Aus if you look hard enough you can get counselling for about $15. Maybe you could contact your uni to sort out counselling there.
This is the really hard part, please read it a few times.
"I know I want to jump in and fix it, but I can't because the problem is with her"
That's a mantra: I STILL struggle with it sometimes.
I know love is like blood and when this happens you feel like you have ischemia. But in reality you have child/ren that love you and you are the world in their eyes.
(I'm not a parent but that's what all my literature says)
Yes your heart is atrophied ATM and a heart is non dividing. But you will recover it just won't ever be the same.
What things do you think you could do to make yourself happier and look forward to the future more?
[This message edited by lauren123 at 10:58 PM, April 12th (Friday)]
Wasn't going to end the affair but picked up a disease and gave it to you, so it all came out.
Now came the justification lies; you didn't spend enough time with her, no validation; you were never there; you didn't protect here from the OM by giving her the attention she needs as a woman. Just none of this sordid mess was her fault apparently.
So what to do? Understand that she committed a terrible breach of loyalty, betrayed the marriage, abused her children by exposing them to possible divorce if discovered and bringing a disease home. Quit being so damn decent! Get angry and stop trying to nice this selfish woman into loving you. Which she doesn't actually.
She is in an emotional vacuum. Doesn't have any warm feelings for you and gradually letting go of the OM. You need to put fear of losing the marriage into the equation; tell you've had enough; hint at separation divorce, but she must understand that you are coming to the end of your tether and you've had enough of this bullshit.
Why should you tolerate a relationship where you are not loved and respected? Wake up AH; stop passively waiting. Change something; bring some passion into the equation!
You've made the decision to work on the marriage - and WORK it is indeed. Awful to say, but sounds like she's grieving the OM and not ready to fully plug back into your relationship. She really needs some IC - is there really no way you can raise the funds for that?
There's always light at the end of the tunnel, just pray it's not a train.
The reason "working on the M" has been pure hell:
- it's the wrong thing to work on. All your efforts to fix her, nice her, please her, be there for her are completely wasted.
It's tough to hear, I know, but I'm shooting you straight here.
Is it not more accurate to say the (old) M is dead? I think it is. She killed it.
Now, you can have a new M, you can offer her the gift of R, but she has to do the heavy work.
The 4 pillars of successful R:
1. Remorse. She has to *be* concerned about the pain and damage she inflicted on you and the girls...not the consequences to herself; sorry she got caught, etc. (that's regret - remorse's bastard cousin)
2. Transparent. She has to *do* things, such as; revealing all passwords, informing you of her location whenever you desire, let you know who is calling, who she's talking to, everything and anything you want to know.
3. Honesty. *Do* tell the truth.
4. NC. *Do* stay away from her AP. In fact, stay away from anyone who aided her, kept secrets for her, covered for her...anyone who is not friends of your (new) M.
That is your road map to emerge from this hell she has caused.
The reason she went off on you...sure, she doesn't like the light shined on her shittiness. But also my brother, she did that to shut you down.
To manipulate you into silence (don't tase me bro!).
So now, you're dealing with feelings you're not allowed to have, and you have to stuff them.
How does that feel?
I'll tell you - it's abuse. Emotional abuse plain and simple.
Are you going to stand for that? You don't have to be an asshole about it (not that I'd blame you for being completely pissed off, you just don't want to 'abuse back') - but it stops when you say it stops, get that?
To the point where if you have to, you turn your back and walk away.
That's the 180.
You do it for you, not to see if it 'works on her' abusive ass. Walk away. Are you being abused anymore? Nope.
Your walking is making progress - on you! That's all that matters.
Get into it. Own it. If she is incapable of any of those 4 pillars (you need them all), well, you've already been walking on the road to healing, yes? Good!
You deserve the best. You are
"I can fill the flask up, but can't get past us
I'm in the storm, staying strong, but can't get back
I know how you are suffering. This is TRAUMA. Bless you.
I believe the ones who are totally intolerant of this abuse have the most success. No tolerance of any more contact is essential. You do not have to live this way. She needs to come out of the fog. She is lucky to still have you.
I told my husband up front I would NOT tolerate any more of this behavior. It did shock him out of the fog. I meant it too. Living alone or finding someone else is better than living with repeated betrayal, lack of remorse and diseases being transmitted to you.
It is OK to be very angry. You have been deeply betrayed and you are deeply hurt. Don't let her sweep this under the rug.
You have been so kind to quit school so she could get her education first. Take care of you now. Let her work her butt off now as you have been doing. Slow down your work pace and let her work you through school.
There is so much information to learn here. The beauty of it is the people here truly know what it is like to go through this.
Keep posting and keep listening.