BS input is more than welcome!
Thank you all in advance!
[This message edited by melhav at 10:43 PM, April 12th (Friday)]
Is there any way to disclose without causing damage? Take it from someone that was really bad at disclosing and lied for months after the initial DDay - the damage is already done. Do the details add damage? Yes, some, but not nearly as much damage as not disclosing does.
Trying wicked hard - never giving up.
So many stories here of the WS saying, "It was just one time, vanilla sex. Nothing fancy." Come to find out, months down the road, the BS finds proof where it was actually wild monkey sex 4 times a week for like 2 years.
Don't leave details out. Be honest. Be forthcoming.
It's hard. Confession sucks. It's humiliating. But...it's a consequence of our actions. I chose to have an A, I need to tell the person I hurt what I have done. In however much detail he needs.
I cringed telling my husband the details. But he deserved to know what I had done. He needed to hear what I had said/thought/done so that he would know how bad it was, and so he would know what he was going to try to R with.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne
"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss
Writing a detailed timeline can help both you and your BS. There are some threads about written timelines...I don't remember if they were in the healing library or in the forums.
I edit often to fix stuff ☺️
Profoundly grateful Every. Single. Day. that I am blessed with an H with strength, integrity, and compassion, and that he decided to try.
FWW answered everything. After the first 3 days of TT, she completely opened up. It wasn't her calling a halt to the sessions, it was me.
If you are really in this, be prepared. You are about to devastate another human being by disclosing actions you took willingly. I am not saying that to discourage you, but to prepare you. This will also cause a lot of pain for you also. It may cause you to want to minimize his pain during disclosure. I beg of you, please don't. On the few occasions my fWW did, it wound up causing deeper pain later.
As a BH, I desperately wanted to believe, believe this person who betrayed me was finally giving me the truth. The whole unvarnished truth. I would take what she said and set it as such. Further revelations of something I already knew would send me even deeper than I was the first time. Consistent honesty. That's all I can recommend.
He's gonna ask the same questions over and over in many different ways looking for small discrepancies. Be patient. I know this sounds odd given the subjects you will be discussing, but be kind. Don't get angry and tell him you've answered this before. His whole world view is in flux. Black is white and east is west. Believe it or not, you can be the key to settling that down.
I know you're scared. You should be. The best hope you have right now is total complete transparency and honesty. Answer what he asks. If there is something he doesn't ask, but you think is pertinent, ask him if he want's to know. Don't lie by omission. However, also don't force it on him either. Some people just don't need all the details. Let him be the judge.
Good luck in your disclosure. I am a big fan of people reconciling.
Tell EVERYTHING. Do not hold back please. For the sake of your relationship.
After almost 3 years I still think daily of leaving. Now it's not because of the multiple LTAs but because I still don't believe I have the whole story.
A written time line would be very helpful. Be honest and transparent for sure. No TT.
Be kind and remorseful if you truly are. If not then let him go. He deserves peace.
Multi famam, conscientiam, pauci verentur.
You want only 1 major shock. After that, you will have to repeat the stories, but that is part of the gradual processing system.
When you tell the story, there is a system you should use:
1. Raw data: who, what, were, when, $$. Tell all the FACTS that you remember
2. What were you thinking THEN? What were you feeling THEN? What did you tell yourself to make it ok?
3. What do you think of it NOW? What do you feel about it NOW? Why was it NOT ok and what should you have done?
Make sure you say, "my preception then_______ vs. my preception NOW______" Make it very clear that you see where your thinking was flawed before and that you see it clearer now. Make a distinct differentiation between THEN and NOW every time you talk. That will prevent your BS from feeling you STILL blame them for the A.
Sometimes my WH talks about how he felt while in the A and it sounds like he is talking about how he feels now and I mistakenly feel like he is still blaming me. BE VERY VERY VERY CLEAR on Then vs Now.
This is very formulaic but trust me, it will work. Stick to it. Your BS will appreciate it. 3 steps: Facts, Then, Now.
"After almost 3 months, I still think daily of leaving. It's not only because of the LTA but because I still don't believe I have the whole story."
As sorry you are and as much as you want to save your relationship is as much as your BS needs you to be honest and forthcoming.
Good luck with this painful but necessary step.
BS:45 WH:47 needhelp123
8yr EA&PA w/MCOW emp/frmr emp
19y M * 25y T, 2 teens
DDay 12/31/12*5w TT
Sick tired sad
Do. Not. Trickle Truth!
[This message edited by IForgiveHer at 10:25 AM, April 15th (Monday)]
[This message edited by Titanium at 6:15 PM, April 15th (Monday)]
A couple people did mention it though, don't tell any lies about your affair. You need to be straight forward about everything.
My husband knew what happened but didn't know all the details. So one day, probably a couple months ago I sat down with him and went over everything. And I mean everything. I went over every gory detail there was to know. From text messages, to what lead up to the sex, and the details of said act, to the details of my second sexual encounter with my AP which consisted of a blowjob.
He now knows everything about that time period. And yes, it was the hardest thing to do. To go over every detail about how I had sex with someone else. It was hard to see the hurt and pain in his eyes.
It is going to be a really hard thing to go over the details of your A. But after everything is out, you will feel a whole lot better. When everything is out in the open and nothing remains a secret, it feels good.
After everything is out, the healing starts.
Honestly, I did not ask what positions they did or where was the wildest place they had sex. I couldn't see how that would help me heal from the pain I was already in.
The details that hurt me the most were finding out how the first time happened and what he would tell me in order to leave for a golf trip one day sooner in order to be with her before the acutal trip.
Whatever I asked though, he answered and he did so with patience. When I raged he let me rage almost as if he was watching from a distance which I read in another book is the way to do it. He always apologized. He has always been remorseful which has helped me come so far in the past 4 months since D-Day. He didn't do TT with me but if I thought of something 4, 6, 8 weeks down the road and asked, he would answer. These things were so random but were important to me.
We read After the Affair together. There is a chapter in there about "how to talk about the A". You might want to pick that up.
Finally, I am reading a book right now by Emily Brown called: Affairs - A Guide to working through the Reprocussions of Infidelity. There is a chapter in there about "obsessing" over the details. I think this is a normal part of the process BUT, you don't want your spouse to get stuck there. I got the book bc I found I was doing that.
I wish you well.
[This message edited by LA44 at 7:43 PM, April 15th (Monday)]
Writing worked best for me. It allowed me to think things thru. My BH also gave me questions and I wrote out answers to them. That helped me to think things thru instead of answering reactively.
Get it all out. There is no good way. It will be painful - for both of you - but neither of you can begin to heal until it is all out on the table.
* I am a RS (Recovering Scumbag)
* Do as I say, NOT as I did. :-(
* I acknowledge the grace I have received. I know do not deserve it.