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Canceling visitation because of new spouse...need advice!

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lassenst posted 4/12/2013 22:14 PM

I have been divorced for almost three yrs. I have primary custody of my dd; my ex and I agree on visitation schedules several months in advance. My ex does need to travel for work and I have accommodated his need to change the schedule for work.

HOWEVER, he recently remarried and his new spouse lives in another state. They see each other on weekends. Since his marriage, he has cancelled weekend visitation at the last minute several times. At first he told me it was a work emergency ( which I knew was a lie) . Now he admits he was with his new wife and wasn't going to make it back.

I am so pissed about this. It hurts my dd and interferes with my plans. Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? Any legal recourse? I feel like I am stuck!

thyme2go posted 4/12/2013 23:24 PM

It hurts my dd and interferes with my plans. Has anyone dealt with a situation like this? Any legal recourse? I feel like I am stuck!

Yes, I am dealing with this. My ex just moved 270 miles away and now I have my DD 100% of the time. She was going to see her mom about once a month but now she will no longer be going. There is no legal action I know of other than CS $$ adjustment. My ex pays none so there is nothing I can do but love on my kid.

Yes, it sucks.

-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 11:24 PM, April 12th (Friday)]

Kajem posted 4/12/2013 23:48 PM

I think you need to talk to your attorney to find out if there is any recourse for you.

You can't make him be a parent...trust me I tried to get my X to be a parent.

All I could do was take care of my kids... each and every time he gave up visitation. I would do it again in a heartbeat...just do it less angry at him and more joyous that I had my kids.

Hugs,

K

Bluebird26 posted 4/13/2013 04:00 AM

My xwh does this too, it is so frustrating, I believe in my case it's him still trying to control my life as I can't make plans. And the excuse is always "work" and then I have people tell me he puts on FB that he and the OW went *destination* for the weekend. URRRRGGGGHHH. I really wish my x would either get in or get out of the parenting instead of this one foot in both. But I can't make him parent any longer and our kids are starting to wise up that they aren't the most important thing to him (no surprise to me though lol).

Can you check with your lawyer for any legal recourse? Otherwise get yourself a backup sitter.

lassenst posted 4/13/2013 08:55 AM

I will call attorney on Monday. I think my dd is sadly starting to see who her dad is and where she fits into his life. She is wonderful and he is missing out.

better4me posted 4/13/2013 09:11 AM

My children are 24 and 20 so I have the wisdom of experience (right? ) Their dad did this too. From the time they were 11 and 7 until they were out of the house, he saw them for a weekend every few months, took them for Christmas or Spring break and then took summer visitation. He saw nothing wrong with it. Disneyland dad all the way. I agree with presenting a neutral face to the children about this. Seethe somewhere else. The kids will figure it out eventually--mine did around the time they hit 20 and now can talk about their disappointment and anger about their dad. DD age 24 went through a period of about 6 months this year where she wouldn't respond to her dad's texts or calls. Paybacks are hell...

Taking the high road regarding your emotions on this issue really pays off. Tell her it has nothing to do with her "your dad just doesn't get it sometimes"; give your time and attention to her, find other places for her to be when you need a weekend off (grandparents, overnights with friends, summer camp etc). I doubt there is any legal recourse...no law can make him be a good parent.

Sorry you two are going through this. Selfish people suck.

Survivor3512 posted 4/13/2013 09:17 AM

No advice- I haven't encountered this yet. But I'm sending hugs to you and your dd. It's his loss.

LisaP posted 4/13/2013 15:17 PM

My X does this. I would be in the poor house if I took him back to court for every infraction against the parenting plan/divorce decree.

I have no longer "switched" weekends. If he misses, too bad. I am no longer surprised that their father can go 4 weeks(or more) in between visits with his kids, yet he only lives 10 minutes away! The kids, well, he just tells them its "work" and they believe him...heck, it worked on me throughout our entire marriage!

Sorry, no advice...just support!

[This message edited by LisaP at 3:18 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]

HappilyUnMarried posted 4/13/2013 16:41 PM

Yes, me too. I have been D for 5 years. Still have DD12 with me; joint custody. Divorce decree says he has to give 10 days notice when cancelling visitation. I am not sure why I paid 23K for that worthless piece if paper since he ignores everything in it (except for CS which is deducted from his paycheck, thank god). He cancels all the time. Trips with girlfriends, football games. Whenever he doesn't feel like being Mr. Dad.

If my ex ever catches wind that I am planning a weekend away, he will cancel last minute, juat to be spiteful and show he still has control over me. I have to be very careful and keep any trips secretive. It's sad, and unfair.

Saw an attorney and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. My attorney told me to always have a Plan B. I do.

His visitation is a "right" and he can choose whether to exercise that "right" or not. However, even though we have joint visitation, I cannot decide one weekend that being a mom isn't convenient.

I just think the law sucks and puts all the burden on the primary caregiver, who often has the lessor resources. Truly wish there were financial penalties for cancelation. I've had to pay thousands for babysitters when he decides at the last minute he would rather play then be a father. Sigh.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 4:46 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]

inhishands55 posted 4/13/2013 16:56 PM

This happened to me when my son was only 16 months old...His father didn't get him for almost 3 yrs. except for Christmas Eve...When he took him on a trip and they called he talked to me and started crying...His daddy said what did you say to him...I said I told him I loved him and missed him...

I got my CS because he was a civil servant and if they hadn't garnished his wages, so mine was always on time..

My son is 36 now and there has been yrs that him and his dad didn't talk...Not my problem, since he is so much older...When he was getting him, he had to pick him up at my mother's so we didn't have a conflict...I was usually at work when he picked him up..He never kept him for longer than a wkend...I feel your pain..I had to always pay a babysitter and the CS didn't even cover that...

When my son was about 12, he ask me why his dad had to work two jobs to pay my bills..I told him, he wasn't paying my bills, he was only giving me CS and that was it...

The parent who pays CS always thinks the other parent is spending that money on themselves...I wish they had to pay for everything out of what little the primary parent gets.

homewrecked2011 posted 4/13/2013 21:58 PM

In Sc, child support I understand is based on # of overnights per year.

My XH could have it reduced if he had the kids more overnight...I am keeping a record this year and I am hoping I can get child support raised since he doesn't get them the standard # of nights per year..

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