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So tired of the ride and the stomach ache.

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Chefj9 posted 4/13/2013 09:46 AM

If I'm ok, he acts like everything is fine. If I trigger he's there to help, but I'm tired of having to say "hey I'm triggering" or I'm having a panic attack. There are some things that he should know is an automatic trigger. Like this morning.... Watching a show on TV together and one of the people in the show has the same name as OW. and they are saying it over and over. I'm getting kicked in the gut because for a brief time I had some relief.. Then it's like a water shed on my head, he cheated, he cheated with her, he did it for months and months. It hurts so bad my stomach is a mess and hurts all the time. In this particular situation, I feel like he should have know. Don't leave me hanging, I feel like I'm too needy, begging for help all the time. Then I feel guilty, then I get pissed. He did this to me, why do I feel guilty for needing his help.

Now my mood is horrid, I'm sad and mad and snippy again.

tdreampol posted 4/13/2013 10:03 AM

Dude that sucks! I have the same issue the OM has a very common name and it still kills me to hear it, but I have to all the time. So sorry!

Would love advice as well on how to deal with this one.

Jrazz posted 4/14/2013 11:19 AM

First of all, don't ever feel guilty asking for help. In a normal, healthy relationship it WOULD be a bit much to be constantly telling your partner that you're hurting, but this this is different.

My FWH needs a fireworks display to "get" that there's something going on with me. At first it was embarrassing and hurtful that I would have to announce that something very obvious had triggered me, but counseling helped us meet in the middle for these types of things. I HAVE to tell him if I want support. It's who he is and how he processes things. Not a drop of empathy, although if someone comes to him for help he'd do it in a heartbeat.

Throughout our relationship I thought he was just selfish, but his doctor went to far as to say he seemed to have a very light case of Aspergers Syndrome. He literally has a chemical disconnect between life events and how they might make someone ELSE feel. That plus FOO issues, namely his alcoholic father who doesn't care about anyone but himself, sealed the deal on his kneejerk take-care-of-#1 outlook.

The way he meets me is by acknowledging my feelings when I come to him. He shuts out the rest of the world and pays attention to me if I tell him I'm hurting, and he makes me feel like I'm not crazy or needy.

The fact that it seems to be less a choice and more his makeup has brought me some peace in this, and the fact that he holds his end of the bargain by listening to me any time I need him to goes a long way.

If this sounds relate-able at all to you, maybe explore with your H how you can best react to your triggers as a team. It may mean stepping out of your comfort zone, but we only have what we came in with to work with sometimes.

I'm sorry you're feeling sad. If you can tell him you're sad and ask for a hug and he gives you one in earnest, then perhaps that's where the two of you can meet for you.


Chefj9 posted 4/14/2013 11:55 AM

Jrazz. Thank you so much for your response. We talked until the wee hours of the morning(about a lot if things). We came to the conclusion you suggested. We have to just ask for what we need. He triggers too with his guilt and pain, so we were both struggling with this. He was amazing (I'm still not sure who this man is). He's supportive and said that I should never hesitate EVER to ask for anything I need. We didn't sleep last night, but at the moment I feel a little relief.

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