SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Dawn58 posted 4/13/2013 11:23 AM

Hi All,
Well, that lying, cheating pig is receiving his distinguished alumni award tonight from his college. He has 60 people from the bank, friends and family coming. It is a narcissist's dream come true!!!! He is receiving this award in part for his "Integrity" and "service to the community". Well, he certainly has served his skanky girlfriend!!!! And every person with integrity lies and cheats on their spouse, lies on their loan application, tells everyone that his wife left him and served him with divorce papers (neglecting to mention that he fucked somebody else!) and grossly exaggerates their accomplishments, it is just disgusting. So the angry part of me says that he is a piss of shit, is a liar, slut and a charlatan.

And part of me is hurt, I have attended that dinner for the past 8 years and knew that one day he would receive that award. He has received it but I won't be there. I have been there for every event the school has put on, from the award dinners, to the opening of the performing arts building. I have attended dinners with the professors, have had them over to the house. It was a part of my life which is now over. Abruptly ended when I found out about the affair. I was so easily and quickly replaced. And now SHE will be there, by his side. The cheap looking tramp in her high heel shoes, tight clothes and boobs hanging out. She will be by his side, hearing everyone going on about what a swell guy he is. What a great guy. Yes, what a great narcissistic, selfish, self serving, vampire that just uses people to suit his needs and when he does not get the constant attention, praise, touch and worship, you are out of there.

Part of me wants to crash the event. go around all the tables with all his friends, co-workers, boss and introduce myself as his wife (with a special introduction for skanky girlfriend) and make his squirm. But, I am trying to take the high road. If I do that, it just may feed his narcissism and I am NO LONGER HIS SUPPLY!!!!!

I have asked him to not call or text me. He stopped for a little while, his attorney was harassing me with papers that needed to be signed for the refinance, so PIG was getting what he wanted. He has started to text me again and has tried to call (when I don't jump every time his attorney tells me to) which upsets me, so I have changed my home and cell number. I have blocked his emails, so he can only communicate through the attorneys.

Every time I hear from him or just see that he has tried to contact me, I go back to Dday, knowing I am going to get slammed from left field again. I can't allow that to happen anymore.
Part of my motivation to do that was after he asked me to leave, he was emphatic that I answer the phone when he called. He told me several times to answer the phone when he called. While we were married, he could call me 14 times in a row if I didn't pick up the phone. So, it is definitely an issue with him. I want the attorney's to let him know, my numbers have changed, so he has no direct way to contact me anymore. It may not matter now, I haven't picked up his calls in a few months. But it will give me peace of mind.

I just need to get through today and this evening. Next week is his birthday, so there's another day I just need to get through. Our anniversary is on May 5, that will be a tough day.

So, how do you get through days like this, when you want people to know the truth about who he is, when you want to slap the whore that replaced you, kick him down to the ground and expose him for the lying cheat that he is????? I want so much for people to know who he REALLY is. I don't want his money, I want the truth to come out. I want to see the golden boy fall from grace. I want his reputation to go down because of the actions that he has taken. I want him to bear the consequences of his actions. Right now, he has his life - nothing has changed for him. He has the nice house, the nice garden, the nice cars, friends, job, ugly trailer trash, low class girlfriend. He has the social standing, revered place in the community. The smooth moves, the Brooks Brothers shirts, fancy car. It's all bullshit, all built upon a false foundation. He is but a shell of a man. A liar and a cheat. A MAN WITH NO INTEGRITY WHO DOES NOT DESERVE THE AWARD HE IS RECEIVING!!!!

When does the truth get revealed??????

[This message edited by Dawn58 at 9:44 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]

Phoenix1 posted 4/13/2013 12:25 PM

Dawn, I SO feel your pain and know where you are coming from. My POS is in law enforcement, even being a Chief. Portrays "Mr. Integrity" to the world, but the REAL him is a lying, cheating POS that has no concept of the word. Like you, I want the world to know the real lying hypocrit that he is. I have really grappled with that and I think I have decided to let karma do her job and take the high road. I won't sacrifice my own integrity and values because of him. Karma can be a real bitch, and I just have to be patient. In the meantime it sucks though...

woundedwidow posted 4/13/2013 12:56 PM

Dawn, NPDs like your H are like the "pod" people in the old science fiction movies. They look like the real thing on the outside, but are hollow and empty of all humanity on the inside. And just like in the movies, it may take a little time for the rest of the world to notice the empty shell, but believe me they will - he will be unmasked for the true monster he is. Please try to take care of YOURSELF this weekend and next week, and as far as his birthday goes? fuhgeddaboudit! ((Hugs))

daledge posted 4/13/2013 13:35 PM

Just have fun with all of this; send him sympathy cards for his birthday, anniversary, the girlfriend's birthday.

If he cheated on you, he'll cheat on the girlfriend, too. It's just a matter of time.

So what if he receives the award. Do you remember who won in past years?

Celebrate that he's exiting your life. And don't let him live rent-free in your head!

Holly-Isis posted 4/13/2013 14:07 PM

lies on their loan application,

Hmm, sounds like something that needs to be reported.

tells everyone that his wife left him and served him with divorce papers

Feel free to tell people you D him because you didn't like his GF.

stronger08 posted 4/13/2013 14:20 PM

Have any smutty e-mails or texts between him and OW ? A couple hundred copies of them pasted on every wall and lightpost in the area of the school might make you feel better.

Blobette posted 4/13/2013 14:21 PM

If his GF is even half as trashy as you've described, I'm sure people will reach their own conclusions. I know I would.

People aren't that easily fooled.

Heavy Sigh posted 4/13/2013 16:17 PM

Distinguished alumni awards just mean this: "Somebody who has given the university a biy of money who will hope will give us a lot more and who we hope will put the university in his will - so we're kissing his a** so we can hit him up for more cash."

That's all it means.

In the meantime, sign those refi papers if they're fair and do whatever you can to end the game and you'll get more healthy.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 4:17 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]

kansas1968 posted 4/13/2013 16:35 PM

Wow. I feel so, so, bad for you. The party crash was my first thought also, but you are right. It would just make him look like the victim and you the bad guy.

Karma will eventually take care of this guy. He will never be happy. He will always be looking for more and he will dump this new girl friend when he tires of her. He will get old and no one will love him.

In an academic community, surely you have mutual friends that you can tell the truth to and you know how fast that will get around.
The anger sometimes is just more than a person can bear, but I remember Ivana Trump saying, after "The Donald" dumped her.

"Success is the best revenge"

You need to do everything for yourself. Go back to school, get a make over, start socializing and having fun, etc., etc.

He was lucky to have you and you are lucky that he is gone. You will find someone who values you and won't be whining about you answering the phone. Lord what an ass.

Hugs and keep coming here. This is the best place in the world to vent and you will get all the love and support that you need.

Hurt2Deeply posted 4/13/2013 17:26 PM

I anticipate the truth will come out some day. For now take his money. Take all you can get. Don't look back and regret giving up everything.

Even if you don't need his money you may someday. If not you can be the one who lives honorably and you can help others with it.

I am so sorry you are going through this trauma.

cayc posted 4/13/2013 18:11 PM

One thing that surprised me once I got clear of xWH's voodoo magic in my brain is that I was the only one who thought he was awesome. Well me, and people who had just met him.

Now I see that most people he interacts with either don't care about him, or w/in the timeframe of 6 months to a year, put distance between themselves and him. Oh, nothing overt is ever said, he's not cut dead, but truthfully, it's the reason he has to monkey swing from one new OW to the next is and one new job to the next ... I was the only sucker who stuck around for years. Most people don't.

I want his world to come crashing down! I want people to stop being fooled! But at least I know that in the end, that people do figure him out.

Given what your husband does for a living (& I can figure out who he is from details in your post so you might want to remove the university name) he's a schmoozy charmer. That's part of how he does his job, and part of how he's survived mergers/buyouts of his firm. So people schmooze with him. But I bet they don't get close. I bet they use him just like he uses people. So let Mr. Super Tan Headshot be the empty vessel who is never filled. Thank god that's no longer your role.

You aren't left out tonight. You stepped away from falsehood. Hold your head high. You deserve to.

((((dawn))))

sadtoo posted 4/14/2013 08:46 AM

Dawn,
If he is a Narcissist, unfortunately doing ANYTHING will backfire. He will end up making YOU look like a crazy jealous lunatic, then he can stand back and say to everyone, "See what I've had to deal with?"

The ONLY way to deal with a Narcissist is through your attorney.

Have your attorney go for everything you are legally entitled to and DO NOT have any side discussions with your WS. Stay completely NC.

Don't think people don't see what's going on. You are STILL legally married. And most people would find it rather "bold" to bring a girlfriend to such a public event. You will find as time goes on that most people are quiet about their opinions in these types of situations.

I know it's upsetting and oh so hurtful. But believe me, the light will eventually shine on the truth. But you must NOT engage. If you do, the others just see the situation as a couple of crazy people going through a divorce.

You stay calm, stay NC with him, let him go out, act the fool, run his mouth, tell his lies, etc. In the meantime you work through your attorney. People will take notice and will soon say, "there is WAY MORE to this than what he is saying."

It will take time. My XNPDH ran around town telling everyone horrible lies about me (i was a drug addict, drug dealer, committed to mental hostipal, on and on) while he and OW and their BABY (OC) paraded around town like no big deal. We were still married! And people (some our friends) BELIEVED him. It was heartbreaking.

I had many supporters from the beginning. But lots of people believed him. It took years for the truth to come out. And once it did, people avoid him like the plague.

Although remember, there will always be the most dimwitted that will hang on to the lies of the Narcissist forever. But these aren't usually people you want for friends anyway.

Nature_Girl posted 4/15/2013 02:16 AM

The only thing you can do is hit him where you still can - his wallet. This will give the added benefit of bothering his glitter-twat of a girlfriend. It's a two for one deal!

Find a way to live well and speak the truth to anyone who asks.

Dawn58 posted 4/15/2013 03:31 AM

Thank you for your support. I re-read my post, and I sound so angry and bitter. I hate that this is who I am now. I was so kind and loving (and trusting). Now, I am consumed with anger, hatred, sadness, loss, betrayal and rage. This hurts so much. I am four and a half months out and I feel horrible. I am consumed with thoughts of them, consumed with blame and guilt. I don't want to keep going down this path.
I had a tour of a landscape architect's office today, along with some of the garden's he has done. The universe sucks, the landscape architect's office was just down the street from where PIG received his award and where he and his skanky girlfriend were still at. So, I felt like I got slammed down to the ground, one more time. I remember going to that award dinner and staying at the hotel. This hurts so much. I was so quickly discarded and replaced.
I am so depressed, it takes so much effort to just get out of bed in the morning. I have not been working out, just takes too much effort. The side benefit is that I am gaining weight!
I was talking to my Dad and he said that all he could hear was bitterness from me and that it was only hurting me. I know that, I FRICKING KNOW THAT!!! If I could do better, I would!! I don't know what else I can do!!! I am angry, I am so devastated, so hurt. If I could stop those feelings and be happy, I would in a heartbeat!! But, I can't right now. The Pig's mother thinks I should go out and try to meet somebody else!!! Like there is any chance in hell that I am going to put myself out there, just to get kicked to the ground again?????? No chance in hell. I have to heal my own heart right now, not look for another a@#hole to break my heart again.

nowiknow23 posted 4/15/2013 12:55 PM

((((Dawn)))) Sweetie - you've made great strides toward removing him from your life by changing phone numbers and routing everything through lawyers. That's a great start toward NC.

The next step - the much more difficult step? Is to go NC in your thoughts. Push him out of your mind and reclaim the real estate he's been holding there. It isn't easy, but you can do it.

Big hugs.

kiki1 posted 4/15/2013 13:04 PM

((((Dawn))))
I like the sympathy card idea, but that would break your no contact with him and you have made too much progress there to lose it. You know what?? i know it sucks, we all do, but take the high road. you can because you are a good person, not a liar and cheat. Screw karma, i've yet to see it happen (and him). you are a worthy person cause you know it and act it. dont forget that. keep that head high.

Phoenix1 posted 4/15/2013 13:11 PM

Dawn, like you I am consumed with anger, hatred, sadness, loss, betrayal and rage. But because of the utter humiliation of it I keep it all bottled up inside, with an occasional outburst. I feel like I am living two lives: the facade of composure and "everyting is great" I present to the world and the crumbling mess I keep hidden away. As nowiknow said, it is time to go NC in our thoughts to get the proverbial monkey (rather, jackass) off our back. We CAN do this!

Dare2Trust posted 4/16/2013 01:32 AM

Dawn,

You live in California - a State that offers ALIMONY: Play it smart and make sure the OW doesn't have a whole lot of money your're entitled to as a divorced woman!

Use your energy to protect yourself legally and ESPECIALLY FINANCIALLY!!!

Who really cares if your Cheating-to-be-EX-Husband is receiving some Alumni Award? What's he going to do with some paper award? FRAME IT?

Lalagirl posted 4/16/2013 13:11 PM

(((((Dawn)))))

Just a big hug for you - I have no words. I cannot imagine your pain.

I am so very sorry.

SisterMilkshake posted 4/16/2013 13:34 PM

You know that award isn't going to fill the empty hole that your STBXWH's has instead of a heart or soul.

For NPD's, the world is stage and they are the main actor. But, it is so empty, it is a charade. Everyone in his circle are only bit actors (sorry, but really, your part was to serve him) to his leading role of Douche Bag. They mean nothing to him. They are just there to serve as a mirror of his awesomeness. The awards, money, cars, clothes it is all he has because it is all a charade for him. Smoke and mirrors. So. Very. Empty.

In the wee hours of the night, on the nights he can't sleep, he knows who he is, and he is empty and pathetic.

(((Dawn58)))) Be gentle with yourself. It has only been 4 and half months since d-day. Of course you feel all those negative feelings. It is so normal. Are you in IC? If not, you would be amazed what a few sessions of IC can do for you. Doesn't mean you have to go for months. Lots of times I just need to go a few times to get what I need from IC.