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Why would he destroy our marriage?

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SimplyDestroyed posted 4/13/2013 11:28 AM

After many clues, confrontations and denials the truth finally came out on 10/31. Well most of it. He claims he doesn't remember when it actually happened or for how long it went on but it happened some time in either 9/10 or 2/11. And last approximately 3 weeks. With a co-worker 9 years his senior. He continued to maintain a "fake" friendship with her for the 2 years preceding D-day to keep her from telling. Despite having received a letter while I was 5 months preggo that said he was fooling around at work I wanted to believe him. Then I found some messages from his coworker. Still denied anything. A month later it finally all came out. Why would he do this? Was I that awful of a wife? Did I not love him enough? He told her our family business and secrets, she was a total stranger. I just don't understand and am simply destroyed.

Take2 posted 4/13/2013 11:42 AM

Why would he do this? Was I that awful of a wife? Did I not love him enough?

NO. NO. and NO. An Affair isn't about the Betrayed Spouse. It isn't about the marriage. It is a choice the Wayward Spouse makes based on his/her own baggage, entitlement, whatever...

I know my XWH cheated during both pregnancies - why? My guess is he was terrified of dealing with the reality of being responsible and a committed father/family man... but then again - seems he just thrived on the forbidden attention.

Do not buy into his A being a reflection of some lack in you. Not from him - not from yourself. Keep reading - the Healing Library has a lot of great articles and the FAQ's really shed a lot of light on things.

You've found a safe place to help you deal with this crap, welcome!

SimplyDestroyed posted 4/13/2013 11:57 AM

I am now pregnant with our 2nd child. We just found out a few days ago. I wanted to take it as a sign to move forward and stop looking back. I've been on anti depressants and anti anxiety meds since D-day. I stopped taking them when we found out. I had a total breakdown yesterday including texting her everything I thought about her. Her response is to call me repeatedly anytime I text her to tell me what a poor wife I am that my husband came to her. They still work together in the same company and he goes back to work on Monday after having taken some time off. Between the anxiety of him returning to work, me being off my meds, the hormonal changes taking place because of the pregnancy I am not sure I will make it through Mondays. I want to believe him that he wants nothing to do with her and that it was a really foolish mistake. How do I move on? How do I stop letting this consume me? How do I put myself back together? How do I get the images of the affair out of my head?

BIZZYBEEZ posted 4/13/2013 12:00 PM

This has nothing to do with you. He choose to do this & he never thought twice about you. Only himself. I know it's hard to not blame yourself, if only you had done this, hadn't done that.....It wouldn't have mattered if you were the PERFECT wife he still would have made his choice to cheat.

Hurt for 33 posted 4/13/2013 12:27 PM


You are not to blame!! You are not at fault!! You did nothing wrong!! You could have done nothing to stop him!! You are the victim of a horrible crime. Your H and the OW have done this to you, do not believe a word that W says, she is a lair and a cheat. she made herself available!
Hang in there

[This message edited by Hurt for 33 at 12:31 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]

Take2 posted 4/13/2013 12:29 PM

It is a rough ride, pregnant, even higher highs and lower dips... I won't sugar coat it.

There is a way through, but it requires a helpful, patient, and remorseful WS and it doesn't sound like you have one (at least not yet):

"he doesn't remember", lasted approx 3 weeks but "he doesn't remember"

^^ this is bs - he can't tell you if it was 2 or 3 years ago...

Until he turns a corner and recognizes that he can lose you over this and starts working his ass off to keep his family -- Your top priority right now - has to be you and the babes. Please see BS FAQ #11 - the 180. Read everything you can on it! You'll find more on the various pages in JFO.

Unfortunately, there are other pregnant BS here - you are not alone! A post on Pregnant on Dday and you'll found some extra support, in the trenches with you!


mj052 posted 4/13/2013 12:41 PM

It has absolutely nothing to do with you whatsoever!! And it has everything to do with his fragile ego and self worth! The ow only validated and comforted his weak self esteem! When I saw my husband's choice of ap- I just couldn't believe it! Seriously- I looked like a supermodel compared to her! It has everything to do with how that person fills the void within their soul less shells. My husband also shared with her our marriage issues- I mean why not- like she had our best interests at heart!! It's all so sleazy- it makes me want to hurl! She even knew when our youngest was playing his little league games! We deserve so much better! Hugs to you!!

libertyrocks posted 4/13/2013 12:48 PM

My WH TT (tickle truth) for last 5 months as not to hurt me so bad. So, instead of one lump hurt, I got a 5 month hurt combo meal. Nice, huh. I'm sooooo sorry. I had the thoughts you had, why? was it me? Sometimes, I still think it's me. But, shoot, I'm awesome!!! lol. :) He came from emotionally and physcially abusive home and that's what messed him up for the rest of his/our life. But, we're both committed to R (reconciliation) and in IC/MC. It's our last hope...hang in there sweetie...

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:50 PM, April 13th (Saturday)]

SimplyDestroyed posted 4/13/2013 12:51 PM

Is he lying about not remembering when it occurred, started, ended? Or could he be telling the truth as he claims he has been trying to forget it happened?

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