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Out of the frying pan

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lorilook posted 4/14/2013 09:08 AM

and into the fire. After divorcing my alcoholic, cheating, asshole, I have found that my NB has lead me right into a job working for a NPD boss. I finally got insurance & PTO as a full-time employee (35-40 hrs) after being patient for far too long and having him say you'll get it when you make a larger contribution here!?! I think that may have been less than legal. Now I (and others in the office) am subject to tantrums and rages and long condescending emails discussing my many failures. Constant threats of "sending me packing." I know this sounds paranoid, but I feel like he is setting me up for conflicts. He speaks to me in 1/2 sentences then rages when I ask him to clarify or if I don't follow through as he expected. Now I am fielding calls for applicants for my job. WTH? I just want to tell them to run fast and far in the other direction.

I am working on an exit strategy but I am not sure I can keep holding on here. I feel destroyed and defeated every day before noon. There have been tears. I don't know what to do. I need tips for dealing with a NPD. I know I can never win, but I need to somehow survive.

This is all so foreign to me. I have ALWAYS been the star performer at previous jobs. Excellent reviews. Regular raises. Praise. I have always given my all to my work (even now.) Suddenly I am an idiot who can't do anything right. This all feels so similar to the end of my marriage. I am fighting off feelings of impending depression.

kernel posted 4/14/2013 09:17 AM

Honey, you need to do something here. You know this asshat is treating you (and the others) this way because you allow it. Do you have an HR office you can file a complaint with? Is there a grievance process? If there is, then take advantage of it. If there isn't, then you need to decide if this job is worth what you're putting up with. We spend so many hours of our lives at work and when it's awful, it sucks the life out of you. You deserve better.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It seems there are asshats everywhere.

lorilook posted 4/14/2013 09:24 AM

He IS the HR department. I work in a medical office and he is the DR. His wife is the office manager and other half of the HR department. She is strangely similar although not so antagonistic more passive-aggressive (or possibly its for self-preservation.) But thank god she NEVER comes into the office. I am just trying to hold on long enough to find something else.

Sad in AZ posted 4/14/2013 10:57 AM

I'm so sorry; you are in a no-win situation. The only thing you can do is continue to do your job to the best of your ability and keep looking. Maybe get some anti-anxiety meds from your doctor.

I've been in this position; don't hope that it will get better; it won't and you'll make yourself crazy.

kernel posted 4/14/2013 18:02 PM

Oh yikes, that is a mess. Sending job-finding mojo your way.

woundedwidow posted 4/14/2013 18:23 PM

BIG new-job mojo here as well! You're in a tough spot; just try to keep your head down and stay out of the line of fire. Best of luck to you finding a new job.

lorilook posted 4/14/2013 19:00 PM

I am dreading Monday. Been sick to my stomach all weekend. I know the episode that prompted my post this morning is not over. He seems to be on some type of rage "bender." A co-worker got caught up in a situation that NPD boss created this morning and we will all probably catch some serious flack for it in addition to my issue. I did enough internet research today to realize that I HAVE to get out. Seems my Codependent tendencies set me right up for this. Guess I have much more work to do. I Started polishing up my resume again. I am pulling my divorce-period Xanax out of retirement as back up for Monday.

[This message edited by lorilook at 7:00 PM, April 14th (Sunday)]

persevere posted 4/14/2013 19:09 PM

It probably won't help in this situation, but one thing I've thought about in dealing with a NPD I have to deal with (he's more of a client rep) is using Evernote's recording function because it is completely not obvious and works well as long as you have your laptop with you. I would love to have a few of his condescending rages recorded should I ever need proof.

((Hugs)) Hope you can find something better soon.

Pentup posted 4/15/2013 11:31 AM

I looked at where you are to make sure it was not an old boss of mine!

Do whatever you have to do to make getting another job happen for you. Call in sick a day and go visit other foffices that have a position listed.

Call everyone you know and tell them you are looking, ask if they know anyone hiring.

It is demoralizing to work for someone who demeans you. No matter what he says, add "this is not MY issue" to it in your head.

Sending lots of job mojo your way!

Luvlyla posted 4/15/2013 16:23 PM

AH!! ive been dealing with an NPD boss and an incompetent under qualified boss underneath him who is my direct manager for the past year. here are some things I've learned:

Dont give in before you leave.
keep a record of everything he says and does.
win small victories every day (even if its just putting washing up in his coffee one day or swapping the sour milk into a fresh milk container just to ruin his coffee.)

I'm not saying bully him back - because you will never win, but just get small tiny victories to keep you smiling through the day.

if you know youre good at your job keep reminding him "noone else has had this problem... things have always worked smoother than this here before... im worried there isnt enough communication in this department etc...
flip it to HIM - there's clearly a problem, he is the one who is paid to manage problems, keep identifying the problem not ignoring it and suggesting ways to fix it.

no doubt he is used to women ignoring it, and trying to win him over. bullshit, you're not paid to win him over.

document it all, write it in emails, say it in meetings.

once you get a bit more strength challenge him (politely) if he says incorrect things designed to harass you in public spaces.

NPDs thrive on believing that no-one has the guts to challenge them.

if you know hes wrong, or he suggests something about you - ask him to clarify - "im sorry - what happened in your example? what are you getting at? i just want to be absolutely sure of what youre saying so that it doesnt happen again..."

NPD bosses like 'suggesting' things, and dont expect you to ask him to elaborate because then he might tell people that youre bad at your job - but youre not, so that cant happen, and therefore anythign he says to that effect is fabricated or a highly subjective interpretation.

use public meetings (witnesses) to then correct him and take control...

"oh but that isnt really what happened - what happened was.. x,y,z and now that we have cleared that up perhaps we can all learn and move on from it."

you will never ever beat him in an argument, or make him change his mind, but you can assure him through your strength that hes picking the wrong girl to harrass. quote employment legislation if you need to. suggest that youve been talking to solicitors if you need to, and do - take a case if you need to and can afford to.

my NPD boss actually asked me to resign after a particularly bad period of bullying,

I refused and told him it was the best learning experience of my life and i was perfectly happy to be there- if he had a problem managing me then we would need to address that in an adult way, but as yet i hadnt seen any evidence of anything he wanted to address.

he later tried to fire me but HR thought twice when they saw my lever arch file of evidence refuting everything he said about my work, and 20 pages of harassing quotes from him.

They did demote me but retained my salary, ridiculously now hes still trying to get me to do my old job, to which i keep refusing. i wasnt good enough to do it, so he should do it, i keep telling him.

record everything, say everything with a smile in a professional manner.

another good trick i found was cutting through all the ego shit mine and his, and concentrating on the common goal - so producing a good project is the common goal, for example. refuse to get drawn into arguments or discussion on anything that doesnt move the discussion forward to achieve the common goal.

the good thing about that attitude is that you can justify everything you say in a professional capacity, it becomes very apparent to other people if he isnt being professional and you are.

This drives them mad, because NPS are all about their egos.
they think their view is automatically right because they rank higher.
keep professional, keep smiling at him. don't feed his ego by letting him know you are annoyed or even reacting to his ego at all.

you are only paid to deal with his professional requirements, not to feed his pathological ego needs.

get the job done well, and win small victories where you can.

I just found out that NPD boss didn't get his promotion and will leaving us this summer ( I'm not sure its entirely his choice but hell spin it that way of course, we all smile knowingly. small victories, fuck the ego, do the job)

good luck! (((((Hugs)))))

Luvlyla posted 4/15/2013 16:24 PM

wow, sorry i took a week away from SI and came back with a vengence - longest post yet!! sorry!! i hope its of use though

lorilook posted 4/15/2013 20:33 PM

Oh thank you all so much. Luvlyla I will be utilizing your suggestions for sure. Back to Document Document Document mode. I had a ton of practice with that when I was divorcing Cheating, Alcoholic, Lying Ex.

Today went way better than I expected. I think he was expecting me to cower in a corner. Instead, I greeted him with a cheerful Hello right off the bat and went about my day with my usual chipper attitude. And I happily forwarded all of his nasty emails to my personal email account.
No pharmaceutical intervention required today. Unfortunately, I suspect he may be selecting his next target. I'll be ready with support and share these tips.

Luvlyla posted 4/16/2013 14:45 PM

Lorilook well done today, i know how horrible it is. they want you to cower, dont ever do it.

Also i find thinking the words "thank god i=I'm not your poor wife or kids" helps keep the smile in place...

You may also find that NPD bosses dont stay in the same place for very -long two years is usually enough, by that time the gossip has spread and their rep is hard to defend, so they bag up the positives and get a new job.

good luck, i was wondering how you got on today.

lorilook posted 4/18/2013 18:35 PM

I am so very sad tonight. Just found out one of my coworkers, a true friend and supporter from the trenches, is submitting her resignation tomorrow. After many, many years she has finally had enough. She has been having health issues that I am certain are a result of the toxic work environment. I am happy and relieved for her, but also very worried about the ripples or tidal waves this will create. I know I can't manage this much longer and yet I don't have the energy or time to dedicate to a job search. I have no cushion to leave before I have something lined up. I wish I could just win the lottery. I am just sick.

Pentup posted 4/19/2013 11:06 AM

You can do this. You have already proven how strong you are. You have the weekend. Set small goals for each day/week.
Saturday, update resume
Sunday, look for one job, call one contact
Monday, create a linkedin profile,

You can do this. You can and will find another job!!

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