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Questions to ask WS. Help

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Betrayed444 posted 4/14/2013 11:09 AM

I'm not getting anywhere with question and when I ask them I'm all over the map. My timeline is also muddied. It never seems like the right time. She gets defensive and shuts down. I'm told I'm angry although I'm calm which baffles me.
What are the best questions to ask. I don't care about TMI. I want the whole picture. I can't reconcile with TT and triggers. She's not helping me just rug sweeping. If I'm happy she's very happy. If I'm intimate so is she. If I'm complimentary she eats it up and it makes me wary of rocking the boat. It's all there. I even know the iTunes songs about new love she downloaded during the A.
I need help gathering all the right questions and formulating a timeline. Anyone have a format just so I can stick with it and not get thrown off the rails? I clearly told her divorce is imminent unless I get complete honesty. I don't understand why she was so willing to take a chance on the A but can't step up and make me feel at ease over it, if I can ever do that.
Thank you.

Brokenheart777 posted 4/14/2013 12:27 PM

Betrayed, I read your other posts and I feel for you. What you are dealing with is something no human should be put through. As for your searching for the right questions, I don't know if that's what you need. You may have what could be the perfectly formulated question to ask you WW but if she's not ready to truly do the work, It likely won't get you any more than you've already been getting. If she's still rug sweeping and walking out on the "hard" talks, then she's not ready or willing to help you heal. She's still focused on herself. Is she in IC? Has she read this site? Shortly after DDay I showed WGF this site and she did a little reading. Can't force them to read and learn/grow, but as the saying goes, you can lead them to water. Your post shows that you are putting all of the effort in to her and she is reciprocating as a response. She should be putting the effort in to you.

I'm sorry that you have to go though this. From a fellow service member, I never thought I could be so weak from something. Your quest for answers to help your healing is understandable but it doesn't sound like WW is able to put in the effort to help you heal. I look forward to hearing others insight. Stay strong

Betrayed444 posted 4/14/2013 13:18 PM

Thank you brother. I think being a veteran has kept me disciplined and level headed so far, I like all others on SI would just like to have answers. It appears so far that A's are cowardly. Hiding, cheating, lying, and sneaking around while its going on. Sleeping with someone the. Coming home to look you in the eye and say that they love you.
Then when they are busted they can't talk about it. They continue to gas light, say they want to work on it etc and yet still won't talk about it.
My take is if you were so bold then Why not now?
We already know
Give us details.
Instead we have to do all the work? Bear the TT?
For what?
Your busted, you did it. Can the truth really damage it more? It's not going away.
Why do they. It realize that the truth is actually more helpful to them. Are we really that dumb? Big ass doormats?
"Ok honey your forgiven, I don't need details. Why would I possibly need those annoying things?"
Confession is good for the soul otherwise we will both decay
Them with their secrets and us with our being in the dark.
When a doctor performs surgery he has to cut into you. It hurts. More damage is done but it will make you well.
I want to know every gorey detail.
I want it brought out into the light so there are no more secrets. No more questions. Or I'm just going to be done like so many women before her.

She is going to rehab and DV classes.
She hasn't read this site
I've written a note. She tore it up
I've copied and pasted and she says I'm picking a fight.
As long as I Smile and fool around with her she's fine.

rivenheart posted 4/14/2013 13:54 PM

I agree with brokenhearted777. The best script and best set of questions in the world won't work and won't help you if she doesn't want to step up. I recommend you re-read the page on the 180 and apply it for all you're worth. You don't have a partner who's willing to work with you, so use the 180 for you, to start moving forward with or without her. From the looks of things, it's going to be without her. I know that hurts right now, but have faith that someday your hurt will be a memory and your life will be better than it is now.

Betrayed444 posted 4/14/2013 14:12 PM

Ill tell you what precipitated this post.
While she was in the "fog" she downloaded a song from iTunes. I listened to it
It was horrible. The band sucked. Nobodies.
I looked them up on the web. Found a video. The video gave credit to the person that taped it on YouTube.
The band was from his home town
I asked her about the band and she replied " I don't know who they are, I just happened to like them on facebook and I can't unlike them"
WTF is wrong with her replying" oh they were a band OM told me about"
As a litmus test how can I believe anything if she can't come clean to a horrible song? Unbelievable.
I'm sorry if it seems trivial but well never touch upon the bigger issues like this.

Betrayed444 posted 4/14/2013 15:52 PM

My text earlier to her:

You lied to me for the last time. I'm psycho for believing in you one last time. You just can't come clean. It's my fault for giving it a another shot. I can't live with discovery for the rest of our relationship then get upset and hurt and relive what I only know about in my head and then listen to you deny it. I'm not doing it anymore. That band sucks btw

Her response:

My dad has to go home to Texas. We can't expect him to interrupt his life anymore. I will check into the women's shelter when he leaves and on the 24 th I will plead guilty once again and go serve my sentence. You will need to arrange for an au pair or child care and a maid or cleaning person. Please tell the kids everyday that I love them and hopefully when I get out of prison you will be able to be satisfied that I completed my punishment and leave me alone. Thank you

The it's all about me thing. Anyone make sense of this?

fallingquickly posted 4/14/2013 16:07 PM

She's feeling sorry for herself and trying to make you feel guilty. The best defense is a good offense, after all. She's making it all about her.

My husband did this as well. First time I found out, he went to rehab instead of facing me and telling me the truth. I supported him emotionally through it while he was actually formulating his story instead of telling me the truth. After the second DD I spent all night talking him through a depression where he was threatening suicide. Once again making it all about him instead of dealing with my pain. That time, after a few days, I called him out on it. I told him no more. I'm not going to help you while you are doing nothing to help me heal from the wounds you inflicted. I told him he was making it all about him and I wasn't buying it anymore. He was on his own. He has never done it again.

Work on yourself. On your life and healing. She is not willing to tell you the truth. If she lies about a song she will lie about anything.

fallingquickly posted 4/14/2013 16:08 PM

Also, have you outed her to her family? I kept the secret the first time through. I feel it was a mistake. It just made it easy for him to continue.

Betrayed444 posted 4/14/2013 16:16 PM

I outed her to everyone.
Her dad knows. I flew him up here to supervise and assist. We get along well. He stays in my guest bedroom that I fully furnished and I'm making him as comfortable as possible. I don't go into great detail because she is his daughter.

Tearsoflove posted 4/14/2013 16:34 PM

I will check into the women's shelter when he leaves

Since when does an abuser get to go to the women's shelter? She'll be taking up valuable space that a woman who's actually being abused may need.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 4:34 PM, April 14th (Sunday)]

Betrayed444 posted 4/14/2013 17:17 PM

They do.
Although she is the abuser they still have that woman victim mindset over there. Seriously. I am we'll built, train in the gym at least 4-5 days a week, and I'm much bigger than her yet I absorb her blows and on occasion filmed her outburst and yet they entertained her woe is me story.

Skan posted 4/15/2013 11:41 AM

With compassion, it's time to let her go. Let her do what she says she's going to do, close the door, and except for children, NC her. It's time to work on yourself and on your children. She is an adult. She is responsible for her actions or non-actions, for her treatment or non-treatment. This is triage. Right now, she is beyond your help and you need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your obligations, which are your children. She has essentially signed her discharge papers from your command. (((hugs)))

LA44 posted 4/15/2013 11:51 AM

I totally agree with Skan. Let her go. It's the only way to get her to look beyond herself at this point. And who knows - she may never get there.

Whether things improve in the future is unknown at this point. YOU need to focus on you. Read as much as you can about this subject and get into IC. You need someone to talk with - a professional.

No matter what happens, with or without her, YOU need to heal.

Sorry you are going through this. Makes me very sad for you and the little ones.

Stand your ground. It's all you have at this point.

LA44 posted 4/15/2013 11:55 AM

Also, there are some guidelines in Emily Brown's book, "Affairs - Working through the Reprocussions of Infidelity". Whether you reconcile or go your seperate ways, she addresses this.

I also read, After the Affair. Another good book where she addresses "High Cost and Low Cost Behaviours" that the WS needs to exhibit. So far, and sadly your spouse is not doing that.

Empower yourself with knowledge at this point.

Tearsoflove posted 4/15/2013 19:44 PM

They do.
Although she is the abuser they still have that woman victim mindset over there. Seriously. I am we'll built, train in the gym at least 4-5 days a week, and I'm much bigger than her yet I absorb her blows and on occasion filmed her outburst and yet they entertained her woe is me story.

That's just idiotic. I mean, I'm glad she's going to leave the house so you aren't being abused anymore but she shouldn't be allowed to take up valuable resources at a shelter for women who are abused.

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