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Testing, testing, 1-2-3

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nowiknow23 posted 4/14/2013 13:44 PM

There have been a couple of situations over the past couple of days that, in retrospect, seem to have tested my healing and growth.

Wasband notified me a week ago that he was getting to the point where he is ready to introduce his girlfriend to the kids. Note - this is NOT an OW.

I talked about this with DD. Hearing her concerns about losing her dad, about the GF not liking her, about the GF's teen kids not liking her, dad moving away someday... I think you all know the anxieties a kid normally faces in these situations. I told her she gets to decide if/when she meets the GF. No one will hold it against her if she isn't ready or doesn't want to meet GF. We talked through her anxieties over the course of a couple days. And I let her stew on it for as long as she needed.

DD spun on it and landed very firmly on wanting to meet GF. Ok then. Wasband picked DD up last night and they met GF for dinner. After dinner, DD came back home. She didn't talk much about dinner at all (except to say that she now knows that she is NOT a fan of buffalo chicken wraps). I didn't push for any information, but reassured her that we could talk about it whenever she wanted.

Off to bed at normal time. About midnight, she woke me up and handed me a note that read, "I don't want things to change." Her eyes were shining with tears. She said she felt guilty because the GF seemed very nice and interested in DD, but DD just wants things to stay as they are. After an hour or so of tears and worries and reassurances and a gratuitous grilled cheese sandwich or two and a couple of silly laughs, she finally fell asleep on the couch. Today she's open and happy. Talking easily about GF and the dinner. Excited about going for a trail ride some day with wasband and GF. All good in DD land. I expect her to continue to cycle on it. Par for the course with DD and her processing.

Through all of this, I kind of expected to get angry at wasband, but I never got there - not even close. For me, it was like any other change in DD's life - new semester class schedule, starting summer break, going to camp, etc.

I'm pretty pleased with the fact that this entire situation was, to me, exclusively about DD. Not wasband. Not him moving on. Nothing residual. Hmm... tastes like indifference. Yay me.

The other situation was this afternoon. DD and I attended a pancake breakfast for DS' firehouse this morning. DS was very proud to show us around and introduce us to the crew, and we got an amazing breakfast that should carry me through until dinner.

After breakfast, DD and I stopped by the drug store to pick up a few things, and ran into my XILs in the parking lot. We haven't seen each other or spoken in over 7 months. We had a lovely conversation, as you do when you run into an old neighbor or coworker, with DD asking them if they had met GF yet. They said they had, and DD talked with MIL about how nice GF seemed, and then we parted ways.

When I saw them all those months ago, I walked away both saddened about the loss of family connection and angry with wasband for causing that loss. But today? Today I walked away with a smile. They are people from a past life that I haven't seen for a while. The sting of grief is gone. I even enjoyed hearing DD talk to them about GF, as it indicated to me her lessening anxieties and growing comfort with the situation.

I feel really good about how I processed these things. Very pleased with the growth I've accomplished. Very pleased with what I see as healthy and positive reactions to what would have been painful interactions for me a year ago.

Progress! And pancakes! What more could you ask for?

reclaimingmyself posted 4/14/2013 14:00 PM

Wow, pretty impressive weekend and just more evidence that 'time' will eventually do it's work.

I liked your DD's note - I'm tired of change too but I guess like you said, progress is good and of course that entails change.

gahurts posted 4/14/2013 14:05 PM


It is so good hearing you be so positive with this situation. It is even better to understand how your daughter processed it and how you helped her through her fears and anxieties. It sounds like she is much more comfortable with the entire situation this morning and that she will be able to handle future changes that are coming down the road. This is such a great post.

Amazonia posted 4/14/2013 14:42 PM

How can you go wrong with pancakes?

Indifference is such a beautiful feeling. Glad you are there.

((Happy hugs for NIK))

SouthernGal posted 4/14/2013 14:43 PM


Indifference is truly wonderful! So glad you've found your slice of it. HUGS!!!

caregiver9000 posted 4/14/2013 14:43 PM

I am so excited! Feels like the house mojo was just the beginning of good things... that taste like chicken- I mean indifference.

YOU GO GIRL! so great...

better4me posted 4/14/2013 15:09 PM

Yea, yippee and hot damn! I don't think these two things really "tested" your growth as much as measured it. "Where am I with this?" kind of measuring stick...

So glad meeting the former in laws was so benign today without any sting of grief.

You are such a good mom Nik! Letting DD feel whatever she feels AND giving her a grilled cheese sammy at midnight while she processes her "stuff". ((hugs to you both))

cayc posted 4/14/2013 16:33 PM

and we got an amazing breakfast that should carry me through until dinner.

Love this description!

Indifference is an awesome place to be. This was encouraging to hear, both that you've achieved it and that this possibility exists for us all.

phmh posted 4/14/2013 16:46 PM

Great post, NIK. Once again, you are such a great mom!

Survivor3512 posted 4/14/2013 17:14 PM

Nik, that's awesome. I'm happy for you and proud of you. And it sounds like you are doing a great job with DD. You should be proud!

inconnu posted 4/14/2013 17:17 PM

I agree with b4me, this is a great measurement of how far you've come, not a test.

and on a side note, now I want pancakes.

nowiknow23 posted 4/14/2013 17:25 PM

and on a side note, now I want pancakes
Are you sure it's pancakes you want? Not a buffalo chicken wrap? Or grilled cheese?

Lordy, there's an awful lot of food in my post for a subject that has nothing to do with food!

Jrazz posted 4/14/2013 18:02 PM

It ALWAYS comes back to food for foodies, NIK.

I just wanted to give you a big hugsnuggle though the whole post. You are a beacon of calm in a hurricane, and the mom of the century for sure.

And for the record, I REALLY want a buffalo chicken wrap right now. With ranch. None of that cheese-that-shall-not-be-named.

nowiknow23 posted 4/14/2013 18:26 PM

Voldemort cheese. *snort*

MovingUpward posted 4/14/2013 18:27 PM

Progress! And pancakes! What more could you ask for?

Bacon, just saying.

Congrats on your continued healing.

inconnu posted 4/14/2013 19:50 PM

Bacon, just saying.

Moo's got a good point. Now I want pancakes and bacon...

nowiknow23 posted 4/14/2013 19:56 PM

There WAS bacon at the pancake breakfast. And sausage. And scrambled eggs, cinnamon rolls, and some other pastries...

Damn. Now I'm hungry again.

tryingagain74 posted 4/14/2013 20:07 PM

What a lovely post. I'm happy for you. Thanks for a much-needed shot of hope!

caregiver9000 posted 4/14/2013 21:38 PM

You are a beacon of calm in a hurricane,

totally read that as BACON before Moo even chimed in with bacon. just sayin'

nowiknow23 posted 4/15/2013 10:08 AM

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