Wasband notified me a week ago that he was getting to the point where he is ready to introduce his girlfriend to the kids. Note - this is NOT an OW.
I talked about this with DD. Hearing her concerns about losing her dad, about the GF not liking her, about the GF's teen kids not liking her, dad moving away someday... I think you all know the anxieties a kid normally faces in these situations. I told her she gets to decide if/when she meets the GF. No one will hold it against her if she isn't ready or doesn't want to meet GF. We talked through her anxieties over the course of a couple days. And I let her stew on it for as long as she needed.
DD spun on it and landed very firmly on wanting to meet GF. Ok then. Wasband picked DD up last night and they met GF for dinner. After dinner, DD came back home. She didn't talk much about dinner at all (except to say that she now knows that she is NOT a fan of buffalo chicken wraps). I didn't push for any information, but reassured her that we could talk about it whenever she wanted.
Off to bed at normal time. About midnight, she woke me up and handed me a note that read, "I don't want things to change." Her eyes were shining with tears. She said she felt guilty because the GF seemed very nice and interested in DD, but DD just wants things to stay as they are. After an hour or so of tears and worries and reassurances and a gratuitous grilled cheese sandwich or two and a couple of silly laughs, she finally fell asleep on the couch. Today she's open and happy. Talking easily about GF and the dinner. Excited about going for a trail ride some day with wasband and GF. All good in DD land. I expect her to continue to cycle on it. Par for the course with DD and her processing.
Through all of this, I kind of expected to get angry at wasband, but I never got there - not even close. For me, it was like any other change in DD's life - new semester class schedule, starting summer break, going to camp, etc.
I'm pretty pleased with the fact that this entire situation was, to me, exclusively about DD. Not wasband. Not him moving on. Nothing residual. Hmm... tastes like indifference. Yay me.
The other situation was this afternoon. DD and I attended a pancake breakfast for DS' firehouse this morning. DS was very proud to show us around and introduce us to the crew, and we got an amazing breakfast that should carry me through until dinner.
After breakfast, DD and I stopped by the drug store to pick up a few things, and ran into my XILs in the parking lot. We haven't seen each other or spoken in over 7 months. We had a lovely conversation, as you do when you run into an old neighbor or coworker, with DD asking them if they had met GF yet. They said they had, and DD talked with MIL about how nice GF seemed, and then we parted ways.
When I saw them all those months ago, I walked away both saddened about the loss of family connection and angry with wasband for causing that loss. But today? Today I walked away with a smile. They are people from a past life that I haven't seen for a while. The sting of grief is gone. I even enjoyed hearing DD talk to them about GF, as it indicated to me her lessening anxieties and growing comfort with the situation.
I feel really good about how I processed these things. Very pleased with the growth I've accomplished. Very pleased with what I see as healthy and positive reactions to what would have been painful interactions for me a year ago.
Progress! And pancakes! What more could you ask for?
“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.” ― Pema Chödrön
I liked your DD's note - I'm tired of change too but I guess like you said, progress is good and of course that entails change.
It is so good hearing you be so positive with this situation. It is even better to understand how your daughter processed it and how you helped her through her fears and anxieties. It sounds like she is much more comfortable with the entire situation this morning and that she will be able to handle future changes that are coming down the road. This is such a great post.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie
Indifference is such a beautiful feeling. Glad you are there.
((Happy hugs for NIK))
Indifference is truly wonderful! So glad you've found your slice of it. HUGS!!!
YOU GO GIRL! so great...
So glad meeting the former in laws was so benign today without any sting of grief.
You are such a good mom Nik! Letting DD feel whatever she feels AND giving her a grilled cheese sammy at midnight while she processes her "stuff". ((hugs to you both))
and we got an amazing breakfast that should carry me through until dinner.
Love this description!
Indifference is an awesome place to be. This was encouraging to hear, both that you've achieved it and that this possibility exists for us all.
Married: 11 years, no kids
Character is destiny
and on a side note, now I want pancakes.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel Like you're less than, less than perfect
and on a side note, now I want pancakes
Lordy, there's an awful lot of food in my post for a subject that has nothing to do with food!
I just wanted to give you a big hugsnuggle though the whole post. You are a beacon of calm in a hurricane, and the mom of the century for sure.
And for the record, I REALLY want a buffalo chicken wrap right now. With ranch. None of that cheese-that-shall-not-be-named.
Bacon, just saying.
Congrats on your continued healing.
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
Moo's got a good point. Now I want pancakes and bacon...
Damn. Now I'm hungry again.
You are a beacon of calm in a hurricane,
totally read that as BACON before Moo even chimed in with bacon. just sayin'
