I haven't posted very much lately, sometimes my heart is just so heavy, I don't know where to start.
I'm trying to change my inner dialogue. Currently and through much of my adult life, there's been this mean little inner voice, telling me how stupid and unworthy I am. Logically and intellectually I know this voice is causing a lot of harm, but emotionally I just don't know how to shut it off. The guilt and sadness and emptiness I feel is overwhelming at times. I'm working with my IC on changing the wording of this inner voice to be less self abusive, like instead of saying "you're so stupid ", trying to say "you made stupid choices". I'm hoping this will lead to some level of self forgiveness, but I'm just not there yet.
Everyday I see BSO struggle with his pain and anger and insecurity and my heart just bleeds for him. His pain devastates me. Somedays it even cripples me. I can't believe I let my own self hate get between us. It makes me nauseous. It makes that inner voice start getting abusive again. And I have to consciously try to be more gentle with myself. After all, how can I help my BSO heal, if I'm not healthy myself. Seems kind of hypocritical, and I can't go back to that part of me that allowed myself to be such a liar and a hypocrite.
Owning my past and my bad choices and poor boundaries has been a difficult and painful, yet deeply enlightening experience. I've had to break down so many layers and years of burried pain and trauma to get to the present, its like I'm just getting to know me for the first time in my life. I've felt emotions I bottled for so long come flooding out at such an alarming rate. And they come out at the most unexpected times. Sometimes commercials make me cry, sometimes just a certain smell can just tear me apart. But as enlightening as its been, it has also brought with it so much guilt. It's making it a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. Somedays its a monumental task just to put one foot in front of the other. I feel so defeated by it. It suffocates me.
How do you get past the guilt of destroying the most important thing in the world, of causing someone you love so deeply, of breaking them down and changing their view of the world and of the people in it, forever? How?
I'm just wondering if others have been able to quiet that voice, or at least turn it down a bit? And if so, how did you go about it? Is it something you will always have to work at or do you think you've successfully conquered it?
Me:FWS 42 He: FBS 43 and my heart
Together 22 years. We survived infidelity. "Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." Tori Amos
CG