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cinnamongurl posted 4/14/2013 22:48 PM

I haven't posted very much lately, sometimes my heart is just so heavy, I don't know where to start.

I'm trying to change my inner dialogue. Currently and through much of my adult life, there's been this mean little inner voice, telling me how stupid and unworthy I am. Logically and intellectually I know this voice is causing a lot of harm, but emotionally I just don't know how to shut it off. The guilt and sadness and emptiness I feel is overwhelming at times. I'm working with my IC on changing the wording of this inner voice to be less self abusive, like instead of saying "you're so stupid ", trying to say "you made stupid choices". I'm hoping this will lead to some level of self forgiveness, but I'm just not there yet.

Everyday I see BSO struggle with his pain and anger and insecurity and my heart just bleeds for him. His pain devastates me. Somedays it even cripples me. I can't believe I let my own self hate get between us. It makes me nauseous. It makes that inner voice start getting abusive again. And I have to consciously try to be more gentle with myself. After all, how can I help my BSO heal, if I'm not healthy myself. Seems kind of hypocritical, and I can't go back to that part of me that allowed myself to be such a liar and a hypocrite.

Owning my past and my bad choices and poor boundaries has been a difficult and painful, yet deeply enlightening experience. I've had to break down so many layers and years of burried pain and trauma to get to the present, its like I'm just getting to know me for the first time in my life. I've felt emotions I bottled for so long come flooding out at such an alarming rate. And they come out at the most unexpected times. Sometimes commercials make me cry, sometimes just a certain smell can just tear me apart. But as enlightening as its been, it has also brought with it so much guilt. It's making it a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. Somedays its a monumental task just to put one foot in front of the other. I feel so defeated by it. It suffocates me.

How do you get past the guilt of destroying the most important thing in the world, of causing someone you love so deeply, of breaking them down and changing their view of the world and of the people in it, forever? How?

I'm just wondering if others have been able to quiet that voice, or at least turn it down a bit? And if so, how did you go about it? Is it something you will always have to work at or do you think you've successfully conquered it?

cinnamongurl posted 4/14/2013 22:52 PM

Oops, posting from my phone, and somehow it posted the topic of my last post instead of what I wanted it to post.

Should read *guilty inner dialogue *

Is it possible to change it? Or am I stuck with the misleading title?

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 10:56 PM, April 14th (Sunday)]

knightsbff posted 4/15/2013 01:19 AM

CG,
I'm right there with you on this. It's a work in progress.

One thing I have found helpful is gratitude. I'm always grateful to my BH, to God, friends, family, etc., but in taming the inner mean girl I've found being grateful to myself for something, even three somethings, at the end of each day helps.

Today:
1) I got myself and kids to church on time (that was tough actually).
2) I spent quality time with DD14.
3) I called my BH at work to tell him I love him and good night.

Those things were good for me, I feel good about them. I'm grateful to me.

(((Cinnamongurl)))

PS---there's an app for that. (Gratitude) It's really good.

iPad edit

[This message edited by knightsbff at 1:21 AM, April 15th (Monday)]

pizzalover posted 4/15/2013 10:38 AM

Cinnamongurl:
(T/j) I feel the same way with the guilty/negative self talk/dialogue. My BH calls me an uncaring person. I am turning it around to say "I did an uncaring thing". I know that I care about people very deeply. I can't let myself feel that overall I'm an uncaring person. However anytime j say that to my BH, he disagrees. I need to stand up for myself to believe I'm a good person, I just did an AWFUL thing.

KnightsBFF:
I downloaded that gratitude app! It's awesome. I'm going to use it everyday!

sosorryididthis posted 4/15/2013 11:02 AM

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[This message edited by sosorryididthis at 5:42 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

Jospehine85 posted 4/15/2013 15:39 PM

(((cinnamongurl))) you have the same kind of inner dialogue as my WH.

Have you read "Psychocybernetics" by Maltz?

It explains the science behind inner dialogues and how to reprogram them. I think you can get a lot of benefit from the book. It is available on Amazon.

Good luck.

I hope you realize that many BS's find relief in this post. It makes it more believable to them when their WS tell them part of the WHY for their A is because of their negative inner dialogue. Your honesty and openness helps others.

cinnamongurl posted 4/15/2013 22:10 PM

KBFF, it's funny you mention gratitude. A few years ago, per a group therapy assignment, I began keeping a daily gratitude journal. The assignment was to keep a small notebook (one that could easily be slipped into a pocket or purse for constant, easy access) and to pop it out a few times a day and note things that we were grateful for, no matter how big or small. And on the really bad days, when it feels like there is no good left, to go back and read through and be reassured that there is always something to be grateful for. I'd forgotten about that. I wonder if I could find that old journal, read through and add to it. Thank you for triggering that memory! and I'll have to check out the gratitude app!

((Pizza))
Im hoping with time and practice I will be able to make those word changes like second nature. Until then I'm going to keep at it. I hope you can too!

Sosorry, today in IC we discussed long term emotional goals and setting a more realistic bar. Instead of striving for happiness, I realized that achieving a reconnection and acceptance of myself is far more important than happiness. And that through this reconnection, I can learn to allow myself to feel happiness and to stop punishing myself. And my IC suggested that I begin with gratitude!
t/j Funny how that word keeps popping up today. I think it may be a sign!

Josephine, thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to have reached a BS. Thank you as well for the Maltz suggestion. It sounds like a must read. This inner negativity of mine has really got to go. It has proved not only self destructive, but infinitely devastating to the ones I hold closest to my heart. It's such a vicious cycle that needs to be broken!

RightTrack posted 4/15/2013 22:12 PM

BS here and I think you are just great Cinnamon for posting such introspective things. You are obviously not the same person you were during the affair. To me you sound caring, considerate, appreciative, remorseful and determined to make things better. For your inner voice, tell yourself about who you are now, who you plan to be in the future. That is 100x more important than who you were in the past. Look at it the other way around: I am a criminal defense attorney and have had some very serious cases. I had one client who was charged with kidnapping, car jacking,ten counts of robbery and attempted murder. He wanted the court to consider that this was his first offense, that he had been a good student up to that point. Well, despite my *brilliant* trial work he still went down on robbery and carjacking and got a life term because he used a gun. What I'm thinking of with this is that he was judged by his current actions, not the past. AND doesn't that make sense? You are who you are now. Own it, live it, tell yourself that. You have learned from the past and are now a better person. Others around you already see this, let yourself see it too.

cinnamongurl posted 4/15/2013 22:28 PM

Thank you so much RT. I really like the criminal analogy. It gives me a mental visualization of the change and work I am doing and how far from my A mental state I have travelled. I'm reminded of a tagline of another SI'er (having a mental block of who it is though): "Don't judge me by my past, I don't live there anymore." This line has always stuck out in my mind!

T/j KBFF, I found and installed the gratitude app. It's a lot like the assignment I mentioned earlier. Very cool! Thanks!