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Am I doing this right?

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Notgwen posted 4/15/2013 05:59 AM

My WH told me he would set up marriage counseling for us. I have been going to counseling alone, he is aware of it. It he been nearly 3 weeks since DDay and still no counseling has been set up for the two of us.
I have been very quiet...almost withdrawn from him. He tells me he'll do whatever it takes but then never follows thru. I refuse to "remind" him to set up counseling. Am I just being spiteful? How can you "forget" your life is falling apart? Maybe his isn't.
I also got the new phone bill. Last 2 mos ago he had 427 texts...last month 1028, and that was only a 3 week period bc he smashed his cell phone 2 weeks ago. He is such an fn liar.

MovingUpward posted 4/15/2013 07:23 AM

Keep on with your IC. MC won't work until both of you are willing to do the work and in this case until he follows through and sets up MC, the likelihood of success will be small. Have you confronted him about the texting info that you've uncovered? Did he ever get a new phone that you know of? If not then any chance he has a secret phone?

noprincess posted 4/15/2013 07:57 AM

Hi Notgwen,

MovingUpward is right, him making an appoinment with a MC is pointless right now because it doesn't seem like he is ready to do the necessary work and it is possible that he is continuing his A.

I know you H is an alcoholic, and there is a very helpful thread under I Can Relate for spouses of alcoholics. This type of behavior is a classic pattern for them. They are masters of not confronting the problems in their lives and so they become problems for everyone else.

You are doing the right thing. Continue with your counseling. You will grow stronger and know that his problems are not yours. You don't own any of this! I would also confront him about the texts. You need to do whatever you can to snap him out of this fog because he is still deeply in it and the possibility exists that he is still seeing the OW.

Stay strong, Notgwen, you will get to the other side of this! (((Notgwen)))

Notgwen posted 4/15/2013 11:47 AM

He has not gotten a new phone on our plan...I've checked activity. He does have a phone thru his job that I have no access to. I can't control that. I won't drive myself crazy with it. I'm sure he is still talking to her.
I figured the MC wasn't worth it if he wasn't even interested enough to look into it. Just needed to hear it from you guys.
I'm hanging in there. Putting on a strong act for his sake. Acting like a new may be getting to him. And I hope he figures out what he fucked up.
Thanks guys.

confused615 posted 4/15/2013 11:50 AM

He can still give you the password to his work phone. You're his wife. You're not being nosy about whatever is going on in his job,you just want to check it and make sure he's not cheating again.

Work phone or not...if he refuses to give you the password,that's not complete transparency..and you can't R without it.

Notgwen posted 4/15/2013 11:55 AM

Oh, I'm not allowed to have the passwords to his phones. I figured out the one and he immediately changed it.
I know he is hiding something.

Notgwen posted 4/15/2013 11:57 AM

Kicker is...I always got told that I wasn't allowed to contact him unless it was an emergency. So these 1000+ texts have me pissed off.

Dare2Trust posted 4/16/2013 01:35 AM


If your WH is still in contact with OW - He hasn't ended the affair!
So, what't the point of Marriage Counseling with a man who's still having an affair?

Personally - IF my husband was still engaged in an adulterous affair: I'd kick his butt to the curb and I'd be see a Divorce Attorney!

Notgwen posted 4/16/2013 05:44 AM

He says he isn't in contact with her but I have a feeling he is.
Kicking him to the curb isn't that simple. Wish it was. Hope it was for you.

brokensmile322 posted 4/16/2013 05:55 AM


You are not powerless here. Please do not accept that.

There are other ways to find out if he is talking to her. A VAR for one planted in his car will likely out him. Usually they talk in the car.

If he is talking that much, is he seeing her as well? Do they work together? Do you know who she is? It is time to get in stealth mode. Once you have proof, you can move forward with your plans whatever they may be.

Please know, though, that you do not have to sit back accept that he is doing this. You have choices.

27yearsnowlost posted 4/16/2013 06:06 AM

You are going threw exactly what I am going threw. You are only 2 weeks behind my d day. I was told the same by my WH about mc. we went once the church and talk but he was lying there too.he said he would get the std tests done but he chose to keep avoiding it. And kept lying. I tried but I can't fix him.

Hang there everyone knows how you feel.

Notgwen posted 4/16/2013 06:27 AM

He doesn't work with her...he's a carpenter, just men.
Has a work truck, I don't have access. Maybe he has been doing this for a while and I just blindly trusted him. What an idiot I am.
I don't know who it is but I think I may know her.
He walks to the neighborhood bar, which is where it all began as far as I can tell. So I am fairly certain I know this person. And she knows me. Gotta love it.
As for stealth mode...I'm not sure I care enough anymore. I nearly drove myself crazy trying to find shit out. If he is going to cheat. He'll find a way. I need to make me stronger. I really don't think I want this "marriage" any longer. Just biding my time. Trying to sort things out before I make a move. I figure it is like a harsh decisions in the first few months.
I actually feel pretty okay with myself. I cannot stand him at all.
Maybe that's progress...

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