SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

s+++forbrains posted 4/15/2013 07:31 AM

My ws and I are living as friends. Not what I wanted when we married, but it is my reality. My ws knows if we did not have our children we would, without question, be divorced. I spent a lot of time with a therapist and know that if we did divorce it would cause some major problems for one of our children. I can live with ws as a friend for the sake of my children. My issue at the moment is his parents. After many counselors telling my ws that his issue stem from his not feeling "unconditional love" from his mother and a WONDERFUL counselor last summer FINALLY getting him to realize that my emotional needs were not met for YEARS due to his narcissistic family my ws has put up much taller fences between us and his parents. The thing is to me they are basically non-people. My father-in-law tried to blame his son's affair on my working outside the home... huh??? His parents tried to tell him for YEARS that I was responsible for the affair.... huh???? Finally last summer ws got it and admits it was 100% on his shoulders. I am not saying I am perfect, I am far from it!! I knew we had problems, I had lived as a "Godly wife" (counselor's phrase, not mine) regardless of my "needs" not being met. I just cannot stand his family!!!! Two of their three children have had affairs. We have a child who has a major event coming up in their life. How do you get through events like this? I just ignore them and visit with others. My family is HUGE and I will always have family there and to turn to. His family is TINY, one aunt/uncle and one cousin he doesn't know. Anyone have any advice??? Thanks!!

mepe27 posted 4/15/2013 08:38 AM

I think your idea to ignore them really is all you can do. You know they are wrong in their assignments of blame, you said your WS has realized this as well and has distanced himself from them. I personally don't think there is any point in confronting them, they need to blame, they don't want to hear other opinions so why waste your time with that. I recommend just holding your head up, don't be mean to them but don't engage with them either. If they bring up their opinions or try to involve you, just excuse yourself from the conversation.

Fire96 posted 4/15/2013 12:28 PM

There is nothing you can do for them to solve this problem, because they are broken.

I'm in the same situation, and all I can do is keep my distance, and try to avoid putting myself in situations where my in-laws could create problems.

Focus all of your attention on the important thinks in life that you have an influence on. That means you and your children.

BaldwinBeauty59 posted 4/15/2013 12:48 PM

s+++forbrains do you want to resolve this with your IL's? Is that the reason for your post? Since they are basically the only family your FWH has, I can see why you might want resolution for his sake especially as you enjoy a large extended family that gives you emotional support. You want the same for him only you want a healthy relationship and what they have now is anything but healthy. No one wants to be estranged from their parents but unfortunately some people need to be.

The only ideas I would have is for everyone to go to counseling to work on the issues or sit them down and have your FWH conduct a meeting and have him tell them that the A was 100% his fault and that they have hurt you with their blame and nonsupport of you. If he tried to make you out to be the bad guy in the past, then he needs to own any lies he told them about you and your marriage. Time for a clean slate and hopefully rebuild the relationship between all of you.

[This message edited by BaldwinBeauty59 at 1:56 PM, April 15th (Monday)]

daledge posted 4/15/2013 14:53 PM

I, too, have horrible in-laws.
My husband doesn't have a lot of family. His parents really use guilt to get him to do their bidding.

I know that their insanity has played a huge role in how my husband deals with problems.

I try, try, try to get my husband to understand what they are up to - cause dissension - and try to discuss ways we can handle them. It's hard. They are his parents. But I try to make him understand we need to do what is best for US!

I totally ignore them. I have nothing to do with them. It doesn't matter what I do, they always make me the bad guy. So what's the point?! I find I feel so much better.

Since you will have to be around them cause of the kids, keep your distance, be polite, but DO NOT interact with them.
Keep your distance!!

Not only will you feel better, but you will ruin their fun!
They are just waiting for you to do something that they can rip you to shreds about. Do not give them the chance, or any material to work with.

This is what I did and it worked. They slowly began to have more respect for me. The bad treatment has stopped. They are incapable of having a healthy relationship with anyone though.

Good luck!

heartache101 posted 4/15/2013 15:12 PM

My In-Laws are not as bad but they never did like me.
When there are major events in my family I play nice and Hug if required smile if required and exchange pleasant conversation only and quickly. Always have a friend handy to come grab your elbow and quide you away with some earth shattering need.

Look I always say just because my inlaws weren't nice to me didn't mean I needed to stoop to their level. Be nice be polite. These events are not about the inlaws..

I have hosted many events for my husbands family and I rarely communicate with them. I keep myself busy with the stuff that needs done

s+++forbrains posted 4/19/2013 08:34 AM

Thanks! I feel much better knowing I am not the only one in this boat!! BaldwinBeauty59-I pondered your comments for several days and decided I really don't want to resolve this with them. My FIL has "counseled" many people through his profession and has tried to counsel us in the past. What that ends up being is- do what we say because the Bible says "Honor Thy Mother and Father" and this is all your family's fault because your parents are divorced. That does not cut it for me. My Mom and Dad did divorce and my father is deceased. I have a WONDERFUL step-father and my parents are truly loving of each other and all of us children. They support us and are there for us, yet give us our space. My in-laws want everyone to be there taking care of them and their home while they do nothing. My mother-in-law asked me once if I was saving my money to take care of them in their old age.... She has never worked full-time and did not take care of her own parents or in-laws.... She travels CONSTANTLY on MAJOR trips and I am supposed to support her??? NOPE!! Not doing it!!! I am grateful I have so many family members and the love and support of MANY aunts, uncles and cousins. My life is truly rich with love and support and I choose to focus on the "givers" in my life and ignore the "takers" that try to impact me with their brokenness.