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For me or because he got caught

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betraydtwice posted 4/15/2013 11:36 AM

My H had an EA and I am trying to figure out if he stopped because of me or because he wanted to stop.

The only way I could get him to open up was to show him the evidence. I am having a hard time because I feel that he stopped because he knows I can find out about it. I think that if he was sure I couldn't find out he would try to contact her.

This keeps me up at night. Does he still think about her all the time? Is he sitting wishing he could call?

Can't get these thoughts out of head..

confused615 posted 4/15/2013 11:39 AM

I caught my WH also. he admitted had I not caught him,he would have continued.

But that doesn't mean he's not remorseful,or that he's not trying to R with me.

And,very gently...if he wants to contact her..he will. He will use his work computer...or he will buy a secret cell phone. All the surveillance in the world won't stop someone from cheating.

What is he doing to show you he WON'T try and contact her?

Theunwilling posted 4/15/2013 11:43 AM

I'm sorry your here. One thing I knew was my WH would of never stopped his cheating. Why would they? It would take them having to be honest w themselves . Something a wayward isn't doing during an A. I too feel the way u do as well. On one hand it is sickening to think the behavior would of continued. On the other, at least now I know what's been going on. It's bitter sweet either way. I wil give u some advice . Be very careful. Where this a EA. there could be alot more. For your protection u need to prob investigate this more. I thought on my WH 1st admission of a A. I knew it all. It took 3 months and multiple ddays later to know how bad it really was .

betraydtwice posted 4/15/2013 12:11 PM

I am aware there may be more to the story than EA. He has said he's sorry. wishes he could take it back etc....BUT my heart tells me he stopped because I made him and not because he wanted to.

I argued about OW at least 3-4 times in the past and he never stopped lusting for her. I feel he's only stopping now because he knows he will get caught.

betraydtwice posted 4/15/2013 12:13 PM

In response to confused, other than telling me he's done and not interested nothing really to show me he WON'T

confused615 posted 4/15/2013 12:21 PM

Then that's a problem.

He needs to:

Go to IC to figure out his "why." WHY he allowed himself to cheat.

Be completely transparent...he gives you full access to all of his accounts,cell,computers,passwords included.

He answers all of your questions without getting angry or matter how many times you ask them...this is how your brain processes the trauma of betrayal.

He needs to find remorse..not regret. Remorse is all about you what you need to feel safe...and fixing his issues so he can become a safe partner for you.

Ask him to take a poly. If he jumps at the chance to prove that you know everything,great. If he says no,for any reason,he is still hiding shit.

Did he send a NC(no contact) email to that he wrote and you sent, so you know he didn't make any changes to it?

Does the OW have a husband? has he been told?

ETA: Even if he says yes to the poly,follow through with it. Often they will agree..thinking you won't go through with it..fuck that. Chances are,you'll get a parking lot confession. Even if he says yes..and there is no TT in the parking lot...go through with it. It will help ease your mind that there is more to know...dealing with what you know is bad enough...but worrying about things that may or may not have happened...that is a Hell you don't need right now.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:23 PM, April 15th (Monday)]

betraydtwice posted 4/15/2013 12:33 PM

He is transparent and that is really my issue. I know "almost" all of it because as soon as I became suspicious I watched him like a hawk. He has some disabilities that stop him from doing other things (restrictions on his movements).

I know the timeline pretty good myself. Because we were gone for most of last year it was impossible for them.

My problem is "how much is he still thinking about her". I know the EA is over because I am a pretty good teckie and he is almost illiterate about it. But I feel that he just stopped because I can find it..not because he wanted to stop. I ask him and he says he stopped because he realized how much it hurt me.

He's lied so much, how can I believe this???

27yearsnowlost posted 4/15/2013 12:52 PM

I know my hw stopped because he got caught and not for me.

But I still think about what he is thinking.

NowWhat106 posted 4/15/2013 18:41 PM

Has the OW's BS been told? Outing the A on the other end can help assure that it's over.

NoraLee posted 4/15/2013 20:28 PM

My H confessed his EA - but gave me the puppy dog vanilla version (only shared smoke breaks at work but he was in love...I really thought it was a silly crush) so he promised to end any contact and a month later I discovered they were still seeing each other and the vanilla had a lot of marshmallow and chocolate pieces to it - a lot... H admitted he would not have stopped if I didn't find out and was grateful I did... He wishes I had put my bitch boots on sooner - of course I would have if I'd known they were spending every afternoon and night together after work! When I found out, I asked for a D - I said - she can have you - I can't control you and I can't make you love me and I deserve better - so go - be with her... I meant it and he knew it...she suddenly wasn't so irresistible anymore - he wanted to cake eat - but when forced to choose - he chose the classy one (me) and left the gutter whore under the rock where he found her.

It doesn't bother me at all that he ended it because i found out - because my H is remorseful, transparent and honest - that's what you need from your H... To help you heal, your H needs to read this:

It also helped me to understand my own feelings (and it helped me to see I was normal!!!)

Good luck - this shit is hard...but give him the article and insist on your conditions for R...

Laura28 posted 4/15/2013 21:20 PM

When I found out, I asked for a D - I said - she can have you - I can't control you and I can't make you love me and I deserve better - so go - be with her... I meant it and he knew it...she suddenly wasn't so irresistible anymore - he wanted to cake eat - but when forced to choose - he chose the classy one (me) and left the gutter whore under the rock where he found her.

Very well said NoraLee

The more I see on SI the more I'm convinced that unless the BS lays down the law then the relationship is doomed. I not only told him he could have OW3, I phoned her and told her she could have him too!!!! I think I surprised them both.

It still took him about 3 weeks to go NC (I didn't find out this until he confessed later)but he also told me he realised he was cake eating and that I mattered more to him than her and the fear of losing me stopped him. OW3 actually begged him to come back during this time and even said she would forgive him for cheating on her with OW2 (who also begged to have him back even though he had cheated on her with OW3). Crazy women!!!

The reality is that if the WS is not prepared to fight for the relationship he/she is not worth having.

I have monitored his behaviour since dday and am 99% sure he is NC. I have eased off a lot lately on the monitoring but will resume if I feel I need to. I have told FWH repeatedly that if he wants to go, if he wants another woman, I will help him pack. I want to be in the M but I won't be anyone's backup plan. As well, if I find he has started up any kind of inappropriate relationship with an OW then there will be no second chances.

So.... to respond to the question. I believe my FWH would still be screwing OW2 and OW3 and spending hours talking to OW1 if I hadn't found out. He probably would have started with someone else too. Who knows??? But to me that is now irrelevant. I caught him, he chose me. That's the best I can get.

That will do me for now at least.


He may well be pining after her honey but that is his problem not yours. I am assuming he has made an unconditional commitment to you. If that is the case then you need to let it go. I know FWH thought often of OW3 for quite a while. But 3 years later, he is still here, seems committed to R and she has left town. If your FWH is still sad over losing her than he is a DH.

Ask him. You have nothing to lose.

I also highly recommend the doc NoraLee referred to. It brought my FWH out of the fog instantly.



NoraLee posted 4/15/2013 22:20 PM

Another thought betrayedtwice...if he wanted her - wouldn't he have left and been with her? Just be sure he is NC - the cake-eating is what you need to watch for ... Go to any measure to be sure - do you have all passwords/cell access/ - even surveillance - be sure.

betraydtwice posted 4/16/2013 00:30 AM

Thank you all so much for your support.

Yes H is being transparent, not always liking it. LOL Liking giving up his phone when I ask but he does. He says "check all you want but I told you I was done".

Ya right, like I believe him. He still so far away. He says I scare him. I say he can't stand to look at me.

So right now, kind of a stalemate. I told him he needs to tell me everything. I told him that until he does I can't move on. That was 2 days ago. Since then I have been just looking after the things I need to for me. I am waiting for him to come to me.

I am not that patient though and am starting to wonder if he is worth the effort.

Past the crying, lost most of the anger, and moving on to indifference. He better get off his butt soon and make a move.

Can't believe that for 22 years I thought I KNEW this man. What a fool...

But I'm tough and either way I will survive and move ahead...with or without????

maxine1 posted 4/16/2013 00:39 AM

My husband could not take the guilt of lying to me and the whole A. He was relieved when I found out and confronted him, He said he really wanted me to find out so it could stop. My husband has ED so he couldn't perform with her. But she wouldn't stop calling him. While he was trying to ignore her.

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