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jo2love posted 4/15/2013 11:52 AM

I am friends with my xwbf. Had he been dedicated to R, we would have been together 10yrs. So today he sends me a Happy Anniversary text because he still considers it a special day.

[This message edited by jo2love at 11:52 AM, April 15th (Monday)]

ajsmom posted 4/15/2013 11:57 AM

I am friends with my xwbf.

Why?

If he's thinking you're still friends, his text seems somewhat appropriate, I guess.

Sounds to me like he's just following your lead.

AJ's MOM

jo2love posted 4/15/2013 12:09 PM

We do not exchange gifts or cards for holidays. We do not celebrate anniversies for a relationship that he killed.

Why are we friends? Excellent question that I ponder. When I ended our relationship it wasn't because I wanted to. It was because I had to break my own heart so I would stop hoping everyday that he would step up to the plate in R. Strength wise it was easier for me to try to remain friends. He is the closest thing to a dad my daughter has ever had so it has helped her transition, too.

We stick to platonic talks and that works for us. I hope he finds someone one day. Me? I like sitting on the bus. It has comfy seats.

[This message edited by jo2love at 12:10 PM, April 15th (Monday)]

Amazonia posted 4/15/2013 12:11 PM

Is this friendship still beneficial to you?

jo2love posted 4/15/2013 12:11 PM

Sidenote - If it was a special day to him, then maybe he should have put the work into R.

damncutekitty posted 4/15/2013 12:18 PM

Ditto what Ama said. Is this "friendship" beneficial to you?

I know my XH was very insistent about wanting to stay friends. I tried, mostly because I was lonely and kinda hoped maybe someday he'd apologize or at least give me some sort of validation (like that I mattered). For him, staying friends meant he could tell himself that everything he did to me was not so bad. Because hey we're still friends, right? Eventually I decided it wasn't worth it.

ajsmom posted 4/15/2013 12:19 PM

It was because I had to break my own heart so I would stop hoping everyday that he would step up to the plate in R.

Ummm...no. HE broke your heart.

His message obviously upset you, whatever his motive.

It may be time to seriously consider your need to keep him as a friend.

Detachment can be very healing.

jo2love posted 4/15/2013 12:25 PM

It didn't upset. It kind of gave me a "really? Are you serious?" look on my face.

I enjoy his friendship no fwb happening here. The man I fell I in love with died years ago.

I am enjoying it just being me. No dating worries.

[This message edited by jo2love at 12:54 PM, April 15th (Monday)]

nowiknow23 posted 4/15/2013 12:35 PM

Sidenote - If it was a special day to him, then maybe he should have put the work into R.

Really, dude?

jo2love posted 4/15/2013 12:48 PM

Thank you.

Being friends has made the transition easier for my DD (not his child).

Mousse242 posted 4/15/2013 17:41 PM

Do you think that by remaining friends with him, you are prohibiting yourself from moving on, or at least entertaining the idea of dating again?

And what happens when you do start dating again, and what if it becomes serious? Do you think your daughter will have conflicts with that because you did not make a clean break?

Sad in AZ posted 4/15/2013 17:53 PM

I'm cordial to the X; he still owes me money, and I don't want to have to fight for it. I don't initiate contact but if he calls, I take it. I let him chit chat a little before I give him the "OK; bye". He always signs off calling me 'hon'. Oy.

Amazonia posted 4/15/2013 18:02 PM

Jo, I understand that staying friends made things easier for your daughter, and I think that's great. But it's been two years... is the friendship still beneficial to you?

jo2love posted 4/15/2013 19:18 PM

My daughter knows that we are just friends and that we are not getting back together. I do enjoy his friendship, so yes it is beneficial. We do not see each other often. We text sometimes.

Truthfully, he isn't holding me back from dating. I don't want to date until I work through things in my past that I haven't dealt with. I was raped and cheated on multiple times by different people. One of the people was my xh. For so many years I shoved things to the side and never dealt with it. I don't need a man in my life right now. I am focusing on me. When it's time, it will happen. No rush. I'll date when ready. I think it is fine to not want to date. I'm not rushing myself into anything. DD's dad (not xh or xwbf) is not a part of her life. So I have her 24/7 and am grateful for it. She rocks.

[This message edited by jo2love at 8:20 PM, April 15th (Monday)]

jo2love posted 4/15/2013 20:26 PM

Do you think your daughter will have conflicts with that because you did not make a clean break?

She was having a hard time with him being pretty much a dad to her and then nothing. DD and I talk a lot. She understands that it's ok for us to be friends with him. It's ok if we aren't friends. One of the things I love about my relationship with DD is that she knows she can come to me with any questions, concerns, worries. I always have her back.

ProbableIceCream posted 4/15/2013 21:01 PM

jo2love, how old is your DD if you don't mind my asking? (just curious)

jo2love posted 4/15/2013 21:07 PM

Almost a teen.

She has no idea he cheated.

[This message edited by jo2love at 10:51 PM, April 15th (Monday)]

Kajem posted 4/16/2013 03:23 AM

Jo,

I get it. My WXSO was as close to a father my girls had during their teen years. XH (their father) was around, but on the periphery and certainly wrapped up in his life. He is also NPD, and the kids got dealt the brunt of his hatred of me.

WXSO was their father figure when they hit their teens. He made sure that they had what they needed (that XH reneged on) to succeed. He interviewed the boyfriends, helped them learn to drive..etc. He was their dad when XH was acting like a sperm donor and using the kids as pawns to carry out his revenge to me.

My divorce can be used as the example for the parenting classes they make you take when you divorce... It would be titled 'The World's Worst Divorce". Therapist friend suggested that maybe XSO and I can 'divorce' well and show the kids how a divorce should be done.

My kids are adults... the relationship is between them and him. And I am ok with it.... most days.

I am hoping that IF one of my kids divorces.. that she views the way XSO and I 'divorced' is a better way to handle things.

Hugs,

K

jo2love posted 4/16/2013 06:44 AM

Thank you for sharing, Kajem. I'm glad your xso was there for your kids.

I get a feeling that my situation may seem odd. He regrets the A, but that wasn't enough for me. I mourned the death of who he was pre-A. The man he was during the A is gone, too. Now he is closer to who he was when we first met.

I respect his opinions and advice on things. He respects mine. Friends is a good place to be.

My xh? After what he did. No chance of friendship ever.

[This message edited by jo2love at 7:04 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

Faithful w/Love posted 4/16/2013 09:24 AM

I feel it is completely up to you to be friends with him or not. It is your life and if it works for you than it is okay.
To much anger makes for a bitter heart, and you seem to be healed for the most part, so being friends is what you feel is okay for you now.
Everyone is different, and to be honest if I was not in R, I don't think I could ever not be friends or civil to my wh no matter how he broke my heart or vows. I forgave and that is how I am but not everyone is like that. But, I do understand where you are coming from.