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Newest Member: Howtotrust (61551)

User Topic: I'm Not Sure What We're Saving Anymore
♂ 37538
Member # 37538
Stop  Posted: 10:32 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last several weeks at least have felt very... Nothing. It just feels like there's nothing between us. My BW told me weeks (months?) ago that she needs to distance herself from me so that she wouldn't be hurt by me anymore. I told her to do what she felt she needed to do, but I still loved her and hoped we could still make this work.

Now here we are. After 16 months of avoiding as many triggers as possible, basically forgoing television, movies, books, or any other forms of entertainment other than the Food Network or cartoons (even kids' shows like iCarly and Victorious were known to be triggery), it feels like we have nothing left but the kids.

We have nothing to talk about. We don't do anything as a couple. We take our oldest to hockey, we don't talk about anything but the kids. We go out to eat, we don't talk. She texts her friends or talks to the kids. I ask why she's not talking, she says that I'm not talking either. I say I don't know what to talk about anymore. I ask about her day, and I get a very short synopsis and my only safe topic is exhausted. she doesn't ask me about my day because my job is such a strong point of contention. since I work so much, it doesn't leave much room for her to ask me about anything else, either.

She seems happy when I'm not around. I am rarely happy myself. Yesterday I tried to initiate sex, or at least some fooling around. We have always had a good sex life and were always very comfortable with each other. I was really only trying because sex seems like the only thing we have left in common that we could both enjoy. And I have always been very turned on by my wife, even in seemingly inappropriate times. Well I was pretty handily shut down. I didn't get angry or do anything to particularly show my disappointment. I just felt more sad.

No talking, no sharing in any recreational activities, no sex... I'm not sure what's left to save. My BW doesn't seem to have any interest in doing anything with me whatsoever, so it feels like all that is left is to try and be a good man until she finally files.

I always wanted to be with her. I wanted grow old with her. I made horrible choices. Those two months have ruined our lives forever. This isn't a cry for help. It's not a "woe is me." I'm just describing what it feels like in our marriage now. Does anybody else feel this way?,

I know we're worth it.
WH/BH (Me-36) EA 11/11-12/11
BW/WW (tattoodchinadoll-34) EA early 2016, PA 8/16-9/16, Continued to 12/16 after discovery.
Together nearly 20 years, married for 14.
Three daughters, 12, 8 and 5.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
♀ 37570
Member # 37570
Default  Posted: 11:33 PM, April 15th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When is the last time you took her out for a date? No kids?

Our IC prescribed 1 day or night(can be a couple hours) a week to do something fun, like when we were dating. Get dressed up, for those few hours no serious talk. No A stuff, bills, house work etc. Flirt, hold hands etc. There are tons of things that you could do that may not be triggery; go for a hike, bowling, massages, wine tasting etc. We are super excited to be going to a concert this week.

Are you in IC? MC?

[This message edited by Lulu38 at 11:34 PM, April 15th (Monday)]

Me: WW
Him: BH
DD: 7
Married: 9.5 Years
1st DDay: 9/17/12 Admitted to EA
2nd DDay: 10/18/12 Admitted to PA with coworker

Posts: 64 | Registered: Nov 2012
tired girl
♀ 28053
Member # 28053
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have always gotten the feeling from your posts that you feel that you cannot live up to what your W is expecting from you. Do you feel this is the case?

Is this M something that you truly want, or are you hanging on to it because you feel that you should?

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

Posts: 7444 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: Inside my head
♂ 37538
Member # 37538
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I have tried many times to initiate some kind of date night. More often than not, they were derailed by a trigger of some sort. I'm not blaming, that's just how it was. The phrase "I'm just not feeling up to it" was very common. I tried buying new versions of the card game we used to play in high school, figuring we could try and recreate what brought us together in the first place. We played once or twice. I bought some puzzles we could do together. And we never did one. I am currently in IC. No, we are not in MC.

tired girl

Yes, I do truly want this M. I knew it from day 1. At the same time, yes, I do feel that I cannot live up to my wife's expectations. As does my IC and anyone I've confided in, including my MIL. They all say my wife is being unreasonable. I try my best share exactly how my wife is feeling, because she doesn't believe she is, so I can't be accurately representing her side of the story if nobody agrees with her, right? This is why I wanted MC so badly. I want her side accurately presented as she sees fit. I want an impartial third party to hear our plight and help us through. We have never discussed the A or our M with a third party in the room. Not once. It feels strange to me.

I need to get ready for work now. Thanks for the replies.

[This message edited by TimeToManUp at 4:56 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

I know we're worth it.
WH/BH (Me-36) EA 11/11-12/11
BW/WW (tattoodchinadoll-34) EA early 2016, PA 8/16-9/16, Continued to 12/16 after discovery.
Together nearly 20 years, married for 14.
Three daughters, 12, 8 and 5.

Posts: 230 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: New Jersey
♀ 24849
Member # 24849
Default  Posted: 10:02 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

what are your wife's expectations?

MH - 43
Nothing left to give....
"She is clothed with strenth & dignity and she laughs without fear of the future." #BlackLivesMatter

Posts: 7447 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: So Cal.....
Topic Posts: 5

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