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How can they just drop the OP?

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Changed72 posted 4/15/2013 22:33 PM

Here's my question.

How can she just stop talking to or seeing the OP?

Ok, here's how I see it.
He was there for her, he listened to her, he made her feel better, he loved her and she felt that way for him. They were great friends, loved each others company.

Now that the secret is out, she has no desire to see him again, ever?
How can that be?

Was it just a fantasy for her?
They had no real world issues. All the things that real adults have to deal with, on a day to day basis.

Now that fantasy is shattered, and with that, he does not exist to her that way anymore.
That's a hard one for me.
You can turn it off, just like that?
Just like when she came home to me , and I had no idea?
Back to the real world.

How many other BS's have had this happen to them?
Is this really possible?

gonnabe2016 posted 4/15/2013 22:46 PM

Think of it this way Changed.

You go to a party at your friend's house. You are drinking and having a ton of fun. You go home and lie down in your bed and the room starts spinning. You make your way to the toilet where you spend the next 4 hours puking/dry heaving your guts out and then you have a hangover that lasts for 3 days. What are the first words out of your mouth? I'm NEVER drinking again, right? Some people adhere to that. I imagine that most do not.

IMO, it's the same type of trajectory (albeit, very simplified) as an A that blows up. You're going along in A fantasyland where it's all puppies and rainbows....and then you get busted and life blows up. The additional factor in the blow-up of the A in contrast to the drinking scenario is the *damage control* one.

A remorseful spouse can cut contact with the AP in a NY minute. A regretful spouse may cut contact until the *bad* feeling wears off....and then may go back for a little nip because the *good* memories outshine the bad.

What I've learned is that trying to analyze *crazy* is an effort in futility.....

girlsbird posted 4/15/2013 22:48 PM

Yes it is possible. You said it yourself. It was just a fantasy, an escape. Most affairs have nothing to do with the real world where things are messy and not easy. Where there are bills to pay, laundry to do, cooking meals day in and day out. It is an illusion, an ego stroking. Nothing more, nothing less.

[This message edited by girlsbird at 10:49 PM, April 15th (Monday)]

NoraLee posted 4/15/2013 23:51 PM

The fog and their ability to fool themselves is powerful - until we show up to inject some reality into their fairy tale fantasy. 2 weeks after dday2 - after NC text had been sent - and he'd ignored her pleas for contact...and he was hell bent on R - my H's grandma died and he traveled 6 hours away for the funeral - I stayed back with the kids. When he returned - I found on his cell's web history a search for how to make a long distance call from a pay-phone - around about the time he was 2 hours from home... I knew exactly why he searched that - it was to call her...he knew I was accessing even deleted texts from his cell...he didn't know how much I could pull up when I found that search in his history - I was devastated - woke him up and asked him why - he was honest - told me he wanted to talk to her - but then came to his senses - he'd maintained NC for 2 weeks - and her texts seemed to have tapered off - and he asked himself - what the hell am I doing? I didn't believe him - assumed he called her but with no proof I let it go. A week later he got a text from her - "when are you going to stop ignoring me - it's been a while - I hope all is good and fine" I knew then that he didn't go through with calling her - he had resisted the urge. I share this just so you know the addiction to the affair is powerful and sometimes it's sheer will power to resist the temptation - but they do this because they want to do what's right - they want to stay in the M - it may seem that they're easily giving up the AP but they may be battling inner demons to stay true to their spouses...

maxine1 posted 4/16/2013 00:32 AM

NoraLee, why don't you block her number on your cell phone plan, that would stop the texting all together.

NoraLee posted 4/16/2013 01:10 AM

Oh - shortly after that text - H asked me if he could change his be honest I hemmed and hawed about it - I liked seeing her desperation and I felt I was gleaning clues about the NC by the nature of her texts. After a few days H just went and changed it - he couldn't take the anxiety every time a text came in and I would spiral out of control. So we haven't heard a peep from the cell phone from last Sept...he made the right choice...

Happydays posted 4/16/2013 04:47 AM

A remorseful spouse can cut contact with the AP in a NY minute. A regretful spouse may cut contact until the *bad* feeling wears off....and then may go back for a little nip because the *good* memories outshine the bad.

Good comment.
Some drop the AP and about turn to R.
Some want to keep the BS for financial support, family structure etc. an take the A underground.

My FWW was not remorseful or regretful on D day. She was regretful after she came to know I had all kind of PI evidence. She told my friend that she was ready to leave the city of A and reside wherever I told her to.

Later I came to know from a mole in her office that everything was the same between the two. she also planned to shift residence near an office OM was working from after being thrown out post outing to his boss. She never bothered to inform me that she was looking for changing residence.
Yeah she did nothing to drop the AP. she thought I was playing hard to get and would never leave my family.

CrappyLife posted 4/16/2013 05:14 AM

Yes. Very much possible. Happened to me. 2 POSs. Them seeking validation from WW. WW seeking validation from them. And sex, of course. Before D-Day, they were like the most important people for her. Some kinda special.. Something which was her 'private space'.. Something which 'she would take to her grave'..

Come D-Day when I found out.. NC letter sent next day without me asking. We did not even know what NC is! Both the POSs never replied or even checked once if she was fine. I know I am wrong, but I expected a 'sorry' or 'hope you will be fine, no further contact' mail from them. It would have shown that they were not using WW just a sex object and it meant at least something.

WW also did not miss them. She just took a big U-turn and was back in the M! Did not want to think about them. Did not want to talk to them. Did not look to them for support. She thought of them only when she was angry at her and their behaviour.

A remorseful spouse can cut contact with the AP in a NY minute.

I think getting to a stage of remorse takes time. Some days, if not months. Cutting contact in a NY minute proves both the AP and the WS were in it just for the sex, validation, etc. Nothing meaningful. Fucking shallow relationships between broken people. It has to be shallow, else they would have left the BS for the AP.

Now, that the AP has out-lived their use and the WS had 'fun', it is time to move on and build a new life.

What I've learned is that trying to analyze *crazy* is an effort in futility

^^^This.. This is what I am realising slowly.. This is where I want to get to.. This is what I am working towards.. the questions about the A are drying up. Even if they come up, I try to divert my mind. I have asked a zillion questions.. Yup.. It is crazy.. and nothing makes sense..

struggling16 posted 4/16/2013 09:07 AM

I think it shows just how dysfunctional and shallow the A relationship was. My WH instantly stopped contact. Minutes after discovery, while I was shaking with chills and shock, he gave me the cell phones and he took the batteries out. He had absolutely no regrets about instant NC. We know that the AP must have tried to contact him (we had some strange calls on the land line). It simply ended for him. The AP is "dead to him". He has demonstrated for almost 28 months remorse and complete commitment to the M.

heforgotme posted 4/16/2013 09:07 AM

I don't understand this either. They were willing to risk everything for this person and then as soon as we find out they become immaterial.

I don't get it.

Although I think it would be worse if they didn't feel that way.....

sailorgirl posted 4/16/2013 10:18 AM

WS's can throw the AP under the bus because they never had a real relationship. Think about it, if you cared about someone at all, even just as a friend, would you drag them into the hell pit that is adultery?

AP's are only giving each other:
Ego-boosts (subcategory of lies)
Shallow, fleeting emotions

If your W's OM had really loved her, he would have wanted the best for her. Becoming a lying cheater was not her best move.

She is still in the fog if she thinks they loved each other.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 10:19 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 4/16/2013 10:27 AM

I think it shows the damaged selfish peron they wayward is at that point in time.

They are self-absorbed, selfish, and without much fore-thought throughout the life of the affair.

Just like they blow up your world with the affair, they do the same to the OP.

toomanyregrets posted 4/16/2013 11:16 AM


When my fWW found out she was just a cheap date and the OM had no intension of leaving his BW and kids, she felt used, which she was.
That used feeling cured her of her feelings for the OM in a hurry.

broken81 posted 4/16/2013 13:21 PM

I know it may seem too good to be true. How can they just give up this "person" and never look back?! But some can and do.
There was no real relationship.
WH told her to F.O. the moment i knew something was up.
I didnt have to tell him to. He just did it because she meant nothing to him. He hasnt had any contact with her and says he never thought about her for a moment since. He feels like a weight has been lifted and is glad its over with.
Its pathetic really, that someone could be so selfish to hurt others for nothing special.
Thats the key..selfishness.
They dont care about hurting AP feelings just as during the A they werent thinking much of OUR feelings.

Ashland13 posted 4/16/2013 13:39 PM

I should not be but am jealous because my stbxh is giving up m and house for ow. He has said he feels bad but stays living there, so Iam trying to get to where I dont care anymore. Does anyone have guestimates for how long that detatchment takes?

LMYE posted 4/16/2013 15:45 PM

How can they just drop the OP?

Some don't.They just put up a pretense and take it further underground.

annb posted 4/16/2013 16:19 PM

My WH threw OW under the bus on D-Day.

Like you, that question lingered, how can you communicate with OW almost daily (long distance EA and one afternoon PA) for almost 3 years and on D-Day just turn off whatever you thought you felt for her.

He never really felt anything for her, they were living in Disneyworld, all roses and unicorns, and once the bomb dropped, he took the first exit out of there. OW was extremely manipulative, and she gave him an ego boost. He said even when they were e-mailing each other almost every day, he didn't see *her* could have been anyone on the opposite end of the e-mails telling him the same things.

OW went fishing for about a year after D-Day, not once did WH look back. Never.

Still doesn't take the pain away. All this hell for someone he just used for validation.

njgal480 posted 4/16/2013 19:01 PM

I used to wonder about this too.
How can they do this?

My FWH had a 5 yr LTA with a MOW/co-worker and he threw her under the bus immediately after d-day and never contacted her again!

The MOW never contacted him again either...not once.
I have proof of this from her ex husband.

And...I kicked my FWH out of the house after d-day and we were separated for 6 months before R and they never contacted each other even though the MOW's husband left her and she was single again too.

Here they had every opportunity to see each other and they did not.

Actually, that was what I was screaming at my FWH after d-day...."go to her !" as I threw his clothes out of the closet and down the stairs.

But, he never contacted her.

Go figure.

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