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Finding out I'm still stuck on me!

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ManBearDivorce posted 4/16/2013 00:11 AM

Had a couple of dates with "women" and I think I am not ready to be committed. Texting and hanging out is fine but getting sexual and kissing is far from my mind or they just don't seem attractive to me. I get home and I spoil myself to my things. Kind of selfish but I love it. I think I would be a horrible BF if was in a relationship. Work, Gym, computer, sometimes kids, cook, sleep, repeat. No time for all that drama and stress of taking care of someone else. I think I will stick to my schedule for another year. I mean, it's been a year already and I'm still alive. The first few months I thought I would die without it. Now I really know I can survive being on the bus. Why not another year!!!

stronger08 posted 4/16/2013 02:50 AM

You will know when your ready. I made the mistake soon after S/D of getting into meaningless sexual relationships. It did nothing but frustrate and confuse me. And I was in my late 40's at that time. I purposely took a year off from dating and sex. That turned into almost 2 years for me as well. My problem was that during that time I honestly had this ideal woman I was looking for. I had set the bar up too high for what I thought was what I wanted in a partner. While its great to take time off for yourself and get yourself together. Don't make the same mistake as I did. I passed up on a few really nice women because I had this vision of perfection. And as we all know no person is perfect. That hindered my "Comeback" many months. LOL.

Your only 26 and I applaud your resolve. At 26 I was not even M yet. But after what we all have been through I think its a good thing to take some time to get to know ourselves before getting out there again. Good luck on your bus ride. The only suggestion I might make is not to set a specific timeline. As I said you will know when your ready.

EvenKeel posted 4/16/2013 07:26 AM

Yep - the bus gets a bad is actually a nice place

That is great that you can identify that you just are not ready. Many ppl just go out 'there' and fling themselves into forced relationships....then wonder why it just isn't working for them.

It is a good place to be when you are happy & content with your own company.

npain posted 4/16/2013 10:51 AM

That really is not a bad place to be. THink of it this way--it is actually a very healthy realization to have. Being alone is not all bad. You have a full life and you are content. I cannot even imagine being with someone else at least for the next 5 years. Not only because I have small kids, but becuase my life is so full, there is no time for anyone else.

The bus isn't half bad...

ManBearDivorce posted 4/16/2013 11:05 AM

I find it like npain said. I don't think I would feel comfortable with someone for the next year or so. My kids are still toddlers and they need all my attention. My life sometimes is so busy now that I don't have the time for everything. I actually have options and that is what I need. Options. Mix it up a little.

plus the bus is an awesome place to be. Nothing bad from riding the bus. I think sometimes we need a little rest on it and it might just take us to the place we want to go in our life.

I.will.survive posted 4/17/2013 05:33 AM

Kudos to you for recognizing you aren't ready! You just saved yourself from hurt AND from potentially hurting another woman.

I absolutely knew I wasn't ready to date during the year and a half I was separated. I eventually developed my own routine, got used to sharing my young child, found things to do and realized my heart was okay.

Once the final divorce paperwork arrived in the mail, it's like a weight lifted and a chapter ended. I stuck my toe into the dating pool and chose wisely.

I'm now very happy with this man. BUT, I chose wisely and only when I knew I wanted to find someone to add to my life.

Stick to your schedule and your heart will know when it's ready to add someone. You won't change your life, you'll make room in it for her.

hurtinky posted 4/17/2013 08:23 AM

Deciding not to date, or not liking dating when you did it, doesn't always mean you aren't ready to date. It might be that you just don't want to fool with it.

I wouldn't necessarily mind having a companion but if dating is what I have to do to find one, I'll pass. It's not something I enjoyed and it seemed like a huge waste of time to me.

But, I do think I'm good to go, in terms of being "ready" to be a part of a relationship. I just don't feel it's a good use of my time to go looking for one via dating.

For me, if I find someone interesting in the normal course of my life, that's good. If I don't, I'm ok with that too. I don't feel I need to be in a relationship. I don't enjoy meeting strangers to size them up for potential dating experiences.

I stay busy with work, hobbies, friends and family. When I was on dates I was always thinking that I could be doing something that I really enjoyed, feeling like I gave up time that I could have done something truly satisfying.

Plus, I think mid-life dating is really weird. People are just so set in their ways, opinionated, there's a lot of baggage, and issues that just make it look really scary. I don't have the time or energy to deal with it all.

But, that's just me.

k94ever posted 4/17/2013 09:56 AM

Wonderful insight.

This does mean you are coming with us to the MI g2g, right?

We need chaparones


Dadtryingtocope posted 4/17/2013 13:32 PM

MBD - Do what's right for you. I jumped into dating pool right away and I truthfully don't regret it. It was great for me and I found someone I really like being with because of it. I did date around a bit because I needed to find the right fit for me, but that was what was right for me. So you just need to do what it right for you. I was never one to spend much time on the bus.

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 1:33 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 4/18/2013 06:20 AM

I was on the bus for 7m - longest ever by a mile. I only fell off briefly, a few times.

I don't want a relationship - I'm not ready and my picker is still on the fritz. I was also getting crazy attracted to some very odd candidates whilst on the bus. Creepy neighbour, the pathologically shy guy at work - totally inappropriate and I never pursued anything but it started to make me a little crazed TBH.

I think its important to take your time to heal. I don't think there's a set timeline for everyone.

It would be selfish to faux date someone just to have a relationship IMO. That has never really been my thing. I love being single. Everything about it. Except I'm not so fond of being on the bus.

I don't think being on the bus is the same thing as turning into a hermit. I'm around people a lot but I also enjoy my 'me' time. I don't think I'll ever give that up again.

For now - I think I'll wait to get my seat back on the bus again. My day trips weren't as uncomplicated as I'd hoped. I'm less fond of complications than I am of being on the damned bus so I probably should just sit tight.

[This message edited by StrongButBroken at 6:26 AM, April 18th (Thursday)]

ManBearDivorce posted 4/18/2013 23:52 PM

Thanks guys and gals. I am actually ready to date but I choose to not do it right now because I think I really like my freedom at the moment. I want to pursue things I really wanted to do in my life but giving another woman my attention is going to put my relations in stress. So I thought about going to school and I believe that's the one thing I can do. Plus they say that college is one of the best place to meet new people, especially new flames. So maybe kill two birds with one stone. LOL

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