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Newest Member: ringkey89 (61884)

User Topic: Knowing when it's over
♀ 37496
Member # 37496
Default  Posted: 4:27 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lenny Kravitz says, "it ain't over 'till it's over." But how do you know when it is? I've been on this roller coaster of R for months now, completely uprooted my life to move, and I'm not feeling that it's working. I'm still sad, a lot. I just don't know if it's time to pull the plug or not. How do you know when it's time to throw in the towel?

BW 34 (me)
WH 39
1 beautiful daughter
D-Day 5/20/2012
Riding the R-oller coaster

Posts: 43 | Registered: Nov 2012
♀ 35862
Member # 35862
Default  Posted: 5:10 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think, what you have to decide is wht you want. Your spouse can be the most remorseful one in the world and doing everything right, now, but if its not what you want, then you'll never be appt.

I used to hate it when people would say maybe an A is a deal breaker for you. I always thought it would be, until it happened.

Don't get me wrong. D did enter my mind and I thought about it long and hard.

Bottom line was TWO things: I wanted my M to work and H also wanted the same thing and was willing to work to make it happen.

I had my very best friend ask me a question during the aftermath. If YOU were the one giving the advice what would YOU be telling me? That question changed my thinking and helped me out a lot.

Me: BS H: WS
4 kids
DD #1 7-11-08
DD#2 8-21-09 same OW, A never ended.
Started R in 12-09
"If what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I should be able to bench press a Buick."

Posts: 973 | Registered: Jun 2012
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:02 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Being sad isn't in itself an indicator of the success or failure of R, because immense sadness is part of being betrayed.

If you both want R and do the necessary work, success is likely - but that means both of you need to do the work, and IMO you need to get help if the going gets tough.

Do you want to R? Is your H doing his work - changing his behavior, in IC, being honest & transparent & remorseful, given you support, etc.? Are you processing your pain and letting I go?

An LD move is usually very stressful. How much of your doubt is due to that?

If you answer those questions for yourself, I think you'll get a better fix on whether or not it's over.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:07 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17114 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 38924
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 11:54 AM, April 16th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been having same feelings for last 5 months. If WH and I didn't love each other and weren't in love again, I would have bailed. You have to soul search even when your heart is ripped to shreds and bleeding.

Me-37 Ws-37
2 kids
Dday Nov 2012, TT for a year.
Reconciling for the third time in 4 years.

Posts: 972 | Registered: Apr 2013
♂ 38920
Member # 38920
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 22nd (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think sisoon is right- sadness right now is normal. It doesn't seem like it's rare for folks going through this to have serious depression issues that make the whole world seem hopeless and without a future. Clearing up the chemical part of that has helped me see things more clearly. Therapy has helped. Talking about it helps.

If you can take that one day at a time for a while you might get a new perspective that could surprise you. I don't advocate staying miserable forever, but is there a time rush on this?

Posts: 38 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 5

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