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Did i deserve this?

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broken313 posted 4/16/2013 07:13 AM

My husband of nearly 17 years dropped the bombshell 2 weeks ago. He announced that he had been seeing someone from work for 3 months and that he thought he loved her, her husband had found out and he needed to tell me and decide what to do. Within hours he had decided the realisation of what he had done messaged her it was over. My world has crashed in a heap around me. I needed to know all the details and now she is stuck in my head. We have 3 wonderful kids under 12 who are in the dark but know something is wrong. I didnt throw him out but have tried to understand how this happened when I cant say I was unhappy and he admits he wasnt either. He has low self esteem issues and i have never been a demonstrative person. He is a loner and i was his soulmate and was always there. He started this at an office party when the OP 'passionately' kissed him and he decided to meet up and discuss things with her...he told her we were distant, didnt talk much( i had just started a new job which consumed me)and that we had different libidos, she said she was unhappy with her marriage too and had found him sexy for ages. He described the escalation of events as logical... More coffees, meeting for drinks, then the cheap hotel, he even brought her into our home. I think he is sorry he confessed to me as i have been a wreck since this happened, not sleeping, eating or going to work, i am lying crying in bed most of the time blaming myself for not being enough. BTW he was sleeping with both of us at the same time but she did all the stuff i wouldnt....did i deserve this? The OP is still messaging him and still works with him and clearly still wants him, i am so hurt, traumatised and paranoid i cant think straight, can anyone help me?

27yearsnowlost posted 4/16/2013 07:33 AM

I sorry you found your way here. My d day was 5 weeks age so I know what you are felling like and going threw. THIS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!! Your WH chose this instead of talking it out with you. After 28years My WH chose to pay a hooker for oral sex. You did not force him to cheat.
As for your feelings it is natural and you are not going crazy. I pretended everything was going to be ok. But realized I can fix his problem.
I still can't eat or sleep. I had to go on anti depressants just so I can get threw the day.
You will find a lot of great advice here and in the healing library.

phoenixrivers posted 4/16/2013 07:56 AM

So sorry broken,

To answer your heartfelt question, NO you do not deserve this. Your husband has made some very bad decisions and they had nothing to do with you. He could have chosen an infinite number of responses to the difficulties he perceived his marriage as having. Instead he chose to seek a solution by doing the one thing insuring a poor outcome. You did not force him to do what he did, nor did you deserve his choice. YOU are the party that has been wronged.

Of course he wishes he hadn't told you. Now he's responsible for all the harm he's caused and he doesn't want to deal with that anymore than he wanted to deal with his marriage. He's an immature loser who has hurt the one person who dared care about him.

Take care of yourself and your children. Learn about the 180 in the Healing Library. Do it for your own sake and the sake of your kids, NOT TO GET HIM BACK. If he wants to go to OW, let him! He'll soon find exactly the same issues with her that he thinks he had with you.

Good luck broken, I hope your situation improves soon.

TheClimb posted 4/16/2013 07:57 AM


I am four years passed DD#1, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you will get through this and can be happy again. Please read up on the 180 in the Healing Library. Your husband needs to go no-contract with the woman right now. No more texting!! It is best if one of them leaves their job as each day that he returns to work will send you into a tailspin.

Hon, he didn't really "confess", the OP's husband found out and certainly gave you husband the option of telling you himself. He gets no pats on the back for that one.

I will tell you from my experience and from many post I have read here, you cannot "nice" them back into the marriage. You need to play hardball. He either stops talking to her or he packs his bags and leaves. If you feel any sort of wishy washy behavior, ie, blaming you, saying it wasn't that bad, asking why can't you get over it, or communicating with the OW in any manner, then he packs his bags.

Also, you need to tell the OW's husband every time there is contact. DO NOT tell your husband you are going to contact him because he will just give the OW a heads-up. The OW's husband will keep an eye on her while you watch over your husband.

Please don't blame yourself. This shit is all on him.

heforgotme posted 4/16/2013 07:59 AM

No, no, and NO! You did not deserve this.

Block OW from his phone. He has told her it's over and she needs to show some dignity and disappear. If she won't stay away from him at work, he may have to change jobs. He has royally messed up and there are going to be repurcussions.

In the meantime, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Drink water and remember to eat. Read and post on here. We will be here for you.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

sailorgirl posted 4/16/2013 08:26 AM

No, you absolutely did not deserve this. You did not cause it. It was not about you.

The affair happened because your husband is messed-up and immature with low self-esteem and poor boundaries.

Whatever he told the OW about you and your marriage, he was lying to her (and to himself). Google "lies married men tell" and there's a list cheaters use: my wife is not affectionate, we've grown apart, we're just together for the kids . . . it's all bullshit they say to justify the affair.

Whenever you start to take blame for the affair, or think, "why wasn't I enough for him", ask yourself whether any marriage is perfect. All relationships have problems--"happily ever after" is a fairy tale. So, when those problems surface, what should a spouse do? There are so many options:
talk to your spouse!!
go on dates
take a romantic vacation
google "improve your marriage"
get books from the library
read about rekindling your sex life
get off the electronics
turn off the tv
sign up for a class together
take up a new hobby together
meet with your pastor/rabbi/doctor
go to individual counseling
go to marriage counseling

Did your husband do any of those things?

Do not accept blame for his choices. Take good care of yourself! Give your kids extra TLC and attention. Make sure the kids don't find out about the cheating by accident.

Insist that your WH go completely NC with this woman. First, he blocks her number and her email. Then, he tells her on the phone with you listening, or you write an email together and watch him send it. If he refuses to do this, tell him to get out.

((broken313)) You are like a trauma victim right now. But you will recover. You are strong, smart and actually thinking rather clearly considering!

broken313 posted 4/16/2013 08:59 AM

Thanks everyone, been feeling so alone and low. Your posts are helpful and comforting.

27 yearsnowlost. I have an unhealthy relationship with food, having always struggled to eat at times of stress, am planning to at least get some sleeping pills as feel like a zombie.

Phoenixrivers you are right, i never turned him away when he needed to talk. We were both inexperienced when we married and because he was always more sexually charged than me i feel my recent new job etc made me more tired and less appreciative of him, why did i not see this coming? His parents both had affairs and we were both traumatised by this, in fact he stopped talking to his father for years and i encouraged him to forgive him. i feel theres a stranger at home now with no morals and utterly selfish.
Theclimb he gave me his phone, i have blocked her and have access to all his correspondance. She initially threatened to come over to force him to talk to her but now her emails are all ' i never wanted anything but to love you' and ' i just want you to be happy' and 'i will always care for you'. Whilst he was relieved at this message my WS said he was not thinking of her and didnt care if she still had feelings for him, can i trust this response? He had wanted to leave me for her and just like that he says he can let go? I am certainly playing hardball, he has been kicked out of our bedroom for now, but can my coldness drive him away? I see now how weak willed and pathetic he is but he has said he will do whatever it takes to rebuild this marriage, i just cant find it in my heart to forgive him, the opposite, feel like being physically violent. The OW husband apparently sent him an abusive FB message when he found out which panicked my WS into meeting up with the OP and as she was upset promised to stand by her. He says he felt she expected it of him, im so disgusted by his lack of control and not really knowing what he wanted. Been 2 days since last message fromOP, will def consider contacting OP spouse is she continues to email
heforgotme- changing jobs not an option but he has made arrangements to work differently so less likely to come into contact with her.

Can someone please tell me about 180, no obvious link in healing library that i can see?

Razor posted 4/16/2013 09:05 AM

Sadly a WS blaming *marriage problems* is pretty common. Its called *blame shifting* around here.

Even more sadly it is that blame shifting hurts chances at recovery.

This next may be hard to follow. Its twisted BH thinking.
For me. When my WW insisted that *marriage problems* made her have her 3+ year LTA. What happened in my head was that I heard *you made me do it*. Because if the M was the problem and if we both were equally unhappy then we both would have had a affair. BUT since only she had the affair then I must have been the cause of the marriage problems. I was making her so unhappy that I made her cheat.

You see this is an easy trap to fall into.

In my case WW wanted to blame anything and everything for HER CHOICE to cheat. Me. The marriage. The weather. Her age. That was young when we married. My job. Even our kids. She blamed it all. But the truth in my case is that I believe WW cheated simply because she had the opportunity. She could get away with it (OM worked with her). And very simply because she wanted to.

In truth I had nothing to do with her decision to cheat. She just used my actions as a excuse.

As SailorGirl said. No marriage is perfect. No one is wonderful and loving ALL the time. Being married is a rough road and hard work.

Just as cheating is a decision so is staying married. If she were unhappy she could have decided to work on the marriage. Had she put the same effort into our marriage that she did into her affair we would be in a very good place today.

No this is not your fault. Your husband DECIDED to cheat. He thought about it and knew the harm it would cause and the pain it would inflict on you. And he did it anyway.

traveldad posted 4/16/2013 09:07 AM

I'm going to let others give advice on R, because I never got the option of R. When I learned about her A, I also found out that I wasn't perfect and she was leaving me for a married man and breaking the hearts of six children in total. Of course he is the one and only one responsible for this. In the coming days he is going to be unable to live with the shame of what he has done and blame you for not being perfect. Imperfection by your spouse is not a reason to have an affair. Perfection is not a requirement for spouses, but fidelity is. He will try to change the subject and dwell on your imperfections, don't let him get away with it.

Having said that, you have a responsibility for your children, they deserve a complete family. I've watched as my children suffer the pain and humiliation from what has happened to their once wonderful family. Their resentment last a lifetime. You owe it to them to do whatever you can to keep your family in tact. I've heard this crap about not staying together for the kids. Trust me, it's crap, I've seen the result of divorce over the last three years.

Like I said, their are others here better to coach you on the R, but do what you have to do. Read the relevant threads here, go to counseling, etc.

There is a reward for being the one who held it together; your children's well being.

confused615 posted 4/16/2013 09:10 AM

i think there is more to this than he's told you. Cheaters lie and minimize.

I don't believe the OW kissed him "passionately" out of the blue. They had either been flirting for awhile,or they were already involved in an EA. But that kiss didn't just happen without any build up.

Since the OW won't stop trying to contact your WH,you need to contact her BH and tell him she is continuing to contact your husband.

You also need to insist he get tested for STD's. Go with him. Make sure he tells the doctor that YOU are to get the results of the test. And you need to be tested also. Nothing you did or didn't do made him cheat. He chose to cheat on you.

What is he doing to show he wants to R?

Is he answering all of your questions,without blame and anger,or defensiveness? No matter how often you need to ask them?

Has he given you full access to all of his computers,online accounts,and cell,passwords included?

He needs to go to IC to figure out his why..why he did this.

He needs to be honest at all times,about everything. Right NOW. TT will kill any progress the two of you make.

Big hugs,honey. It will ease in time. If your WH is remorseful and willing to put in the hard work to fix whatever his issues are that allowed him to betray you,and if he understands it takes 3-5 years to heal from infidelity..and it is a long,bumpy,painful road..R is possible.

broken313 posted 4/16/2013 09:12 AM

You are so right sailorgirl, he could have done any of these things and didnt. I have very bad PMS and can be really bitchy at certain times of the month, ive matched up all his meetings with OP were linked to when he was rejected by me, this makes me feel responsible.
The cliche descriptions he discussed with OP were almost word for word, pathetic isnt it?

TheClimb posted 4/16/2013 09:19 AM


Here is the info on the 180. There was another recent link about loving a spouse back into the marriage that I will find for you.

Q: What is 180 and how does it work? Submitted by Making It
A: 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new BS begin these behaviors as soon as possible. I am convinced that if I had implemented them, I would still be married. In retrospect, I did everything besides 180. I looked pathetic. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. (Making it)

So here's the list:
1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." (Poodlepapa)

TheClimb posted 4/16/2013 09:24 AM

Topic: How long did you try to love them back into the relationship?

I don't know how to post a link to a topic, but this recent post from VeryUncertain talks about loving them back into the marriage. A lot of good stuff on this topic.

To find it, Go into My Profile (top right side of your screen). In the "Search Profiles for" box, enter VeryUncertain and then you can see a list of her recent post and can choose this one.

[This message edited by TheClimb at 9:25 AM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

jjct posted 4/16/2013 09:25 AM


Do read the healing library.
I have bumped a few threads to the top of the forums page you should check out. Look for the squiggly target.

EvenKeel posted 4/16/2013 09:40 AM

I have very bad PMS and can be really bitchy at certain times of the month, ive matched up all his meetings with OP were linked to when he was rejected by me, this makes me feel responsible.

Don't own responsibility for his A. As said above - he had MANY options he could of taken.

I think he is sorry he confessed to me as i have been a wreck since this happened

He didn't have much choice. The OW's H found out and I am sure your WH sensed he would be outed.
As you will read on here, there is a big difference for being sorry for what he did....versus being sorry he was caught.


Happydays posted 4/16/2013 11:34 AM

Are you sure WS confessed on his own or he thought OBS will out it so he went to damage control?
Only OBS can tell as to when he found out.

broken313 posted 4/16/2013 12:00 PM

Turns out WS had,because of escalating and risky sexual encounters called off the A( at our house, when apparently nothing else happened). They got back together 2 weeks later because they couldnt live without eachother. When husband of OP found out 2 days after affair restarted WS says he felt he had to stand by OP, tell her he would leave me to be with her. I havent fully understood this but think that he truly thought i would kick him out then he wouldnt have made the decision. As it happened once he told me, i asked him if he truly wanted to leave and confused him. In OP follow up txts she says she would never have let him come home to tell me if he wasnt sure he wanted to be with her, he was supposed to leave me and she her husband i think, they even had a hotel room booked. So many things still not making any sense...

broken313 posted 4/16/2013 12:51 PM

Got a message to be OP FB friend, immediately blocked her but am burning with curiosity. Does she want to aplogise, tell lies and mess my M up some more? Should i unblock her and see what she has to say?

confused615 posted 4/16/2013 12:54 PM

NO! NOTHING she says matters...this is a whore who has been fucking your husband. NOTHING she says means shit. She is not sorry...she has continued to contact your WH. What she wants is a look into YOUR heart and mind. She wants to find out what you're things are in your marriage...she is fishing.

Fuck that bitch.

sailorgirl posted 4/16/2013 13:18 PM

NC means no new hurts. You have enough to deal with. Do not open the door to OW. She is feeling desperate and rejected and would love the chance to get in your head and enjoy the fact that you are suffering, too.

WH's OW convinced herself that I had him under house arrest, or he would have gone to her (by that time he was disgusted by the mere thought of her). OW's are masters of denial, and will generally blame the BW for everything.

NC! The doors are only open between you and WH. (Plus, OW's hate being ignored )

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