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How do you know if it's over?

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betraydtwice posted 4/16/2013 11:07 AM

It's been a month now since DDay and I don't feel like I'm any further ahead. He refuses to talk and when he does he blame ME and my family for A.

He refuses to take any responsibility for his actions or the fallout for me and my family.

I see him as such a morally corrupt man that I am not sure if I can ever love this man again....Do I even want to.

We have been together for 23 years and I think I`m mourning what we had, not what we have.

I have been thinking about how my life would be without him. I told him last night what my plans were if we ended it. He seemed shocked that I had even thought about a plan. I think he thought I would just take it and things would go back to the way they were.

How do you know if it`s worth it. I want to know if my feelings for him will change. I care but I really don`t think that I love him. Is this just a phase.

How can I tell if it`s over (the marriage) I don`t want to continue to waste my time. I already feel like I wasted the entire last year. Do I want to put more time and effort into something that is already broken beyond repair....

How can I tell if my heart will love him again....or do I really deep down want this to end. It would be a financial hardship and I`m not young anymore but I think more and more about him being gone.

To stay and give up MORE of myself or cut my losses and confused

confused615 posted 4/16/2013 11:21 AM

If he refuses to own his actions..if he refuses to accept full blame for what he has done...if he refuses to even talk about it with you...then you can not R with this man.

Im sorry.

betraydtwice posted 4/16/2013 11:51 AM

Thank you, confused. This is how I feel also. I feel like a hamster on a wheel, round and round and getting no where. I think I might want off this ride before the wheel comes right off its track..

That`s how I have felt for the last few days, maybe I will feel different tomorrow, but today it feels like a waste of time.

Offhispedestal posted 4/16/2013 12:23 PM

What you are feeling is pretty normal.
At one month after Dday its still way too fresh and raw. You may feel like you don't love him anymore and that is normal also. This may or may not change. For some an A is a deal breaker and you will soon k ow if its worth it or not. He is still in the blame shifting phase. It feels like he is defending her over your feelings and in a way it's how I see it. You need to make it clear that transparency is a MUST. And he gets angry let him know this is how it is because this is how he made it. He's defensive because he still has his head up his ass and is selfish. My H did the same the first few months. We argued A LOT!! In time he analyzed himself and what he did and it was his choices not mine. Some waywards never get it. How was he before the A??? Was he open with you with his feelings or did you have to pull teeth to get a simple answer?? At one month out, my H was still in the A. We went back and forth and the tougher I got . You will know your limit. I ended up throwing him out a third time. I knew it was the end after that everything hit him. Remorse at its worst and it took a lot and I mean a lot of work on his part. I knew it was over when he started talking about everything, crying,asking for forgiveness till this day.
Trust me you will know. Don't let your H try and control you by saying " I'm not going to live like this,you will never trust me! You have no right going through my stuff!....
He screwed that up by himself

betraydtwice posted 4/16/2013 14:10 PM

Thank you Off your pedestal. I am waiting for him to realize. When I told him last night I already have a plan if we split, he looked at me shocked. Like I don`t have a brain without him.

I will wait, but I will not wait long. I told him last night to let me know what he wants now, not to prolong the inevitable.

The longer it goes on, the more I think I want it to end. Can`t stand the lying and secrecy any more.

He sits and talks to his family on the phone all day and then he gets quiet and talks very low to them..Does he think I`m stupid that I know he`s talking about us WTF

And he loves her I`m sure..even though he chose me I believe it`s because she didn`t want him...and now I`m not sure if I

betraydtwice posted 4/16/2013 14:11 PM

Not sure if I want him...missed that on last post lol

tushnurse posted 4/16/2013 14:31 PM

((( Betrayed ))))

So you had a year of false R?
And he did it again, and isn't owning it?

Yah I would say it's time to send him packing. If he's not willing to do anything other than rugsweep you will be in the same place again.

Draw your line in the sand and stick to it. Life is too damn short to spend with someone who doesn't respect you enough to fix what they broke.

Sending you many ((((and strength))))

27yearsnowlost posted 4/16/2013 14:36 PM

It took me telling my WH of 27 years and after 5 weeks of lying, That done with him not living up to what he did to our marriage. I gave him one day to either tell me everything or we are done. He didn't think I was serious....he realized that today. He broke down in tears today like I have never seen before. He truly realized today of what he is done. He is willing to do anything at this point to make it up to me.
I was at my breaking point and had to start to protect myself. I am still willing to try to r only if he follows threw with IC and proves that he is truly sorry for hurting me.

whatahorriblemes posted 4/16/2013 16:28 PM

Please check out the book "Deal Breakers; when to work on a relationship and when to walk away.
Dr. Bethany Marshall

Awesome Help!! I see so much of what she writes about as I lurk here on SI

Phoenix1 posted 4/16/2013 21:14 PM

betraydtwice, as I read your post I thought I was reading my own situation as there are so many similarities. My POS won't take ownership and will not talk. We only communicate via email, and only about other stuff such as financial info. He told me after the second A that I just need to do what I needed to do. I chose to stay for the sake of my last minor child, but I knew it was a lie. The A was never discussed and simply swept under the rug. He wants to have his As and I am just supposed to accept it. After round three DDay almost three weeks ago I have basically decided I have had enough and we are separated (he ran off to his mother's house after being caught red-handed at OW's house). I have thought a lot over the past year about us not being together anymore, and I truly mourn the loss of what we once had. I still care deeply for him. After all, we were together for almost 30 years and you cannot turn feelings off like a faucet, but I don't think I can ever love him again. His reaction to my pain and hurt is to categorize it as "drama" and he says doesn't want to hear any more of it. Like you, I see him as morally corrupt, and I just simply don't think I can risk going through this again.

Your heart and head are probably arguing with each other, as are mine, but I think my head is starting to win the argument. It is such a painful decision, and I wish you luck with yours.

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