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outtanowhere posted 4/16/2013 14:56 PM

Can't really believe I'm here! Where do you start? We have been married 37 years. I admit that the last 5 have not been happy but never saw this coming. We started a construction business in 1999 & slowly but surely climbed our way up the success ladder. For the first time in our married life I didn't have to work outside the home to make ends meet. Our children got married & the grandchildren started coming & life was wonderful, or so I thought. With the economic events of 2008 construction came to a grinding halt but the bills didn't. Customers were going bankrupt therefore our company got left holding the bag for work that had already been completed. The list goes on but as you can guess this required me to return to work just to keep the lights on at our house. I've never had trouble finding work as an RN but back then the jobs were few and far between. I ended up taking a job working in a doctor's office, the only job I've ever had that I HATED! It didn't pay what I had been used to making but it was a job and we needed the money badly. Just 8 weeks ago on Tuesday, 2/19/13, I made the discovery that would change my life completely. I got home from work a little early & decided to tidy up a little. I had gotten a bill that didn't seem right. I went to the computer to look up my account and there it was. My husband's email account (a work account) had been left open. Normally I would have just closed it to continue on with my business but, this time something caught my eye. A message from a woman. I opened it and started reading. There was no way anyone could ever be prepared for what was contained in that message. Ask anyone else & they would have told you that it was clearly a spam message but the fact that it was there in the first place made my heart skip a beat. The content of the message was clearly an intent to meet up for sex. I kept reading. There were more messages, from other women. I kept reading & as I continued on I saw it glaring at me like a neon sign. Her - "Where are you?" Him - "Same room 118". OMG! I started printing. He came home about 30 minutes later & I confronted him with the proof in my hand, nasty pictures included. Even with that he tried to lie his way out of it saying he had gone to some "sites" & this was just spam. Since when does spam include your picture and cell phone number? My life flashed before my eyes as if I were dying. I guess in some way I was. He finally hung his head & admitted that he had seen a prostitute, twice. It didn't mean anything. It was "just sex". Is that supposed to make me feel better? By Friday we are at a counselor's office & she breaks it to us that he is a sex addict. It might as well have been a diagnosis of cancer since I saw an immenient end to life as I knew it. He started going to SA meetings the next week and so far has attended 4 plus a step weekend program. I've been reading the posts here on SI & am absolutely astounded at the number of people who have decided to violate someone they say they love and break the most sacred of vows. Call me old fashioned but I really believed in til death do you part. I know we are making great strides towards reconsiliation since we have connected more in the last 2 months than we have in 5 years but, yesterday it just hit me. This is my reality & how am I going to live with this? Right now all I know is that he began to see prostitutes or "models" back in 1997. He says it only happened a couple of times & then he stopped. In 2003 I got an STD which I blew off (not really)as a chronic problem with prostatitis so there was something there. Then again two years ago he admits to seeing a couple of girls for "monkey sex". And now, here we are. He has seen the same girl (the same age as our youngest daughter) twice but she is not the only one he has seen, this year. He says he is going in a new direction now and wants to think about positive thought. He doesn't want to disclose anymore information because going back "there" only serves to make him remember the things he is trying desperately to forget. I can totally understand that but, I need to know. I need to know how many, when & where. At some point I need to know how much money he spent on the nasty sluts during a time I was having to borrow money from my elderly parents to buy groceries. I'm pretty sure I've hit the angry stage! Somebody help me! I need some good advice.

27yearsnowlost posted 4/16/2013 15:12 PM

We are living the same life. I found out 5 weeks ago that my WH of 27 years called and was having oral sex in our car. I found a text on his phone because it was on my charger on my side of the bed. He was trying to hook up again. I kept asking for 5 weeks in need to know everything. He chose not to tell me but keep lying. It took him until this morning after I told him I was done crying and hurting and our marriage is over.

Your WH seems like he has been doing for while, and I don't know anything about sex addiction.

This is a great place for support. You are not alone. Sorry that you found yourself here but it has got me thru the past weeks.

outtanowhere posted 4/16/2013 15:28 PM

Thanks 27yearsnowlost. It really blows my mind to know so many people are living this hell & the more I research the more disgusted I am at what people will do for sex. I don't know where this is going right now but I feel like I'm in very good company!

momentintime posted 4/16/2013 16:00 PM

He doesn't want to disclose anymore information because going back "there" only serves to make him remember the things he is trying desperately to forget.

He is trying to control the info you need to feel safe and rebuild. Tell him, you will never forget and he doesn't get that luxury either.

He needs to provide you with whatever info you ask for, he doesn't get to edit or censor it. He did these things and he needs to be honest with you about how badly he messed up.

[This message edited by momentintime at 4:01 PM, April 16th (Tuesday)]

confused615 posted 4/16/2013 16:09 PM

If you have questions,he needs to answer them..all of matter how many times you ask the same question(it's how your brain processes the trauma of infidelity). He doesn't get to decide what info YOU need. what if going back through all of his infidelities makes him uncomfortable. He NEEDS to face what he has done. Trying to forget it is will not help you will actually prevent you from healing.

Nope. put your foot down. tell him one of your conditions to R is full transparency..and that means he answers every one of your questions.

It takes 3-5 years to heal from this. And that's with no TT..and a remorseful spouse who is open and honest and helping the BS heal.

annb posted 4/16/2013 16:12 PM

Hi, outtanowhere, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join.

If there is any hope for reconciliation, your WH needs to answer all questions, repeatedly, if necessary. I was like you, wanted to know every little detail.

Have you read the articles in the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner?

Know you are not alone on this long and painful journey. You will experience a roller coaster of emotions for a very long time.

Just take life one day at a time, don't worry about tomorrow, just concentrate on getting through today. Take care of yourself as best as you can, and be good to friends for lunch, get your nails done, go for a long walk, whatever it takes to get you away from your environment for small moments in time.

In the meantime, the majority of us here have walked in your shoes, your pain is our pain.

The truth will be painful, but living a lie will break you.


noprincess posted 4/16/2013 16:53 PM

Hi outtannowhere,

So sorry you are here. You are confronting a painful truth, but it sounds like you are confronting it alone. You H has to answer any and all of your questions, for as long as it takes, for your healing to begin.

Having said that, something doesn't ring true to me with what he said...

He doesn't want to disclose anymore information because going back "there" only serves to make him remember the things he is trying desperately to forget.

And he is in a program for SA and you are also in MC? I'm not sure that anyone involved in SA treatment would say this is how to address the problem. What does your counselor think? To me this is a red flag, and I say this gently, because my H told me for years he was going to AA meetings when he was, in fact, seeing the OW.

Again, I'm so sorry you are here. You will get lots of support from this group of wonderful strangers.


hopefulmother posted 4/16/2013 17:01 PM

I am sooo angry for you. How dare he take money from your family for that. And the thought that you had to borrow money from your parents. Eww and having sex with a girl as young as your daughter. I am so sorry you and your family went through that. I would leave him, till he is willing to tell the truth. I don't know much about SA. Are they able to change? I would make him tell my parents where the money went face to face. He needs a lesson in humility and remorse. Sometimes they are in a fog so bad that they don't care about us, but they may be slapped in the face if others judge them.

livebythesea posted 4/16/2013 17:43 PM

Hang in there. Your mental health and body. I feel for you. He admits to it though. You are ahead of the game. Some do not admit ...

I've been with my husband since 18 years of age. We're both the same age. That is 36 years together! I found out April 5th. He confessed to a ONS. However, I feel there is a lot more he is not admitting to.

It hurts. Never felt pain like that in my whole life. You don't want to eat, cant concentrate at work. You want to sleep, but you cant.

Time does make the pain a little less. It will take a lot of time. I find that being not in the same household is best. It gives us both time apart to cool off.

Take care of your mental and body health. Go for walks, drink lots of water, cause I dont know why but this shit dehydrates a soul.

Skan posted 4/16/2013 19:43 PM

Welcome. Listen, in the "I Can Relate" forum there is a thread espressly for people dealing with a SA spouse. If you can't find it easily, here is a link Please go there and talk to the group. There's a lot of information that they can give to help you through this.

And too bad, so sad he wants to "forget." You can't un-f**k a whore and YOU can't scrub your brain clean from the knowledge. Either he gives you everything a complete time line with every detail in it for you to go through, or he gets to live by himself for the rest of his days and explain to his children and grandchildren why. In The Healing Library (that yellow box in the upper left corner) I think that there is a post call Joseph's Letter. That explains to the WS why, exactly, the BS needs to know Every Single Detail. (((hugs)))

kansas1968 posted 4/16/2013 20:26 PM

Yes, this is your new reality and it takes a long, long, time to finally accept that.
My husbands affair started when we had been married for 33 years and continued for seven years. It almost killed me, but here I am alive over two years after DDay.

It is a hard, hard, road, but with a truly remorseful spouse, you can make it through. He will have to open up for you to be able to heal and he needs to know that.

Lot of good reading on this site and good book recommendations. The healing can not be rushed. I think that is the worst mistake I made was being impatient about getting over it. It just takes time. Two to five years is the general consensus. You are in the right place.

You will want to rant and rave, cry, love him, and hate him. We have all been here and still are in many ways. Hugs and take care of your health. It is hard to eat for a long time. I finally got on a antidepressent for a time and that helped. So, so, sorry that you have to be here, but great place for you. K

traditoperanni posted 4/16/2013 20:56 PM

Yes, I know exactly what you are going through. It hurt to read your post because it sounded so much like my story. I've been married 42yrs and I found out 3 1/2 yrs ago just like you by accident while on the computer. My WH had been cheating on me for 37 yrs. But believe me it took over 2 yrs to get the whole truth. (see profile). I was in false R fir 2 yrs and TT'd to death until I confronted the final time in MC with all I knew and ts him come clean or else. It still took another 4 months to get the whole truth. Please do not let him manipulate you. Demand a timeline from the beginning of your M till now. Do it in MC but do it. BS on it being painful for him. This is about you now. be prepared for more heartache. Don't trust him for a minute. My WH is also a SA and is I. Treatment and IC and MC and hopefully is telling me the truth. But it took a few years and I still do not trust him. I don't think I ever will.
The worst was about 10 months ago when he finally came clean about one of his OW who has been around for 37 yrs.
Please be strong and keep asking till you get your answers. Take care

outtanowhere posted 4/17/2013 08:49 AM

Can't thank you all enough for your advice & support! I truly don't trust my thoughts right now & really need to have you hold my hand & walk me through this hell. I am very thankful that my H is seeking help regarding this SA. I may be wrong but I have to admit that I'm worried that as time goes on he will feel like he has a grip on things & will start slipping back into more comfortable behaviors. He says it hasn't been that hard to get over so I really don't know how to interpret that. It's hard for my to get my head around the fact that something that has been going on for 15 years wouldn't be difficult to control. I feel much more validated in everyone's posts that full disclosure is a must. I start thinking I'm just being unreasonable for wanting to know things that I can't change. BTW- Why is it we feel this way? It can't be undone so what do you do with the information when you get it? Is it to affirm all those feelings that you had when you didn't really know what was going on but totally suspected it? Is it an indicator for the odds of reoccurence or is it a character check? I do believe people can change when they are motivated for all the right reasons. I guess the thing that scares me most is that this change is being forced because he was discovered. He says he is doing this for him so he can be better for all the people in his life that love him. I so hope so! I have an MC appointment tonight & have suggested that he go with me. He hasn't indicated yet if he will. BTW the counselor is female who is divorced as a result of her H being a SA so things can get a little weird. H just started seeing a new therapist who is a male last week.

Missymomma posted 4/17/2013 09:04 AM

Outta - So sorry that you are going through this. (((hugs)))

It is good that he has started going to SAA. Is the therapist he is about to work with a CSAT? If not, find one. They can get better and heal but it takes a tremendous about of work. He doesn't want to share with you now but he will have to. Wait for the formal disclosure, finding out in staggered pieces will be more painful than doing it the way that is recommended. Look for a CSAT for yourself that specializes in spouses of SAs, one will help prepare you for disclosure and help you deal with the very painful feelings from this trauma. Mine helped keep my sanity.

There are quite a few good books. My 2 favorite are Your Sexually Addicted Spouse, by Barbara Stephens and Stopping Sex Addiction, by Milton Magness. Barbara Stephens book really explains how a spouse feels. Milton Magness book really explains how the process of healing from this should work, if the marriage is going to survive. COSA is helpful, if you find the right group. It took me a while to find the right group and now I love it.

It has taken almost 2 years for my SAWH to really "get it" and that is because he started working with a new CSAT in December that doesn't coddle him at all. Really pushing him to do deep, hard work has made a tremendous difference.

outtanowhere posted 4/17/2013 10:45 AM

Thanks so much everyone for the encouraging words! Missymomma, we are both seeing CSAT but here we are after 2 months & everything I know I've had to find out on my own (didn't know I had such detective skills!). After reading masses of information on the internet about SA I was able to come up with a list of questions based on the trends of an SA's behavior. He did answer the majority of them even tho I'm sure it was extremely uncomfortable. I guess he was truthful but I really don't trust much of anything he says at this point. I feel like I'm dying a death by a thousand blows. I would rather lance this infected boil & get it over with but right now it seems I have no choice but to watch it ooze out. I'm ready to start trying to get past it if I can. Just knowing there is more pain to come is making it more & more difficult to put one foot in front of the other.

Watching2bSure posted 4/17/2013 11:06 AM

I'm not sure I have much to add to the advice others have given, but I wanted you to know you are not alone. Your story is so similar to mine, and others here on SI.

Discovering that your WH has been living a separate life for so many years is devastating. You will find a lot of comfort, and excellent advice on SI. Please keep reading, and reaching out for support. You are NOT alone.

outtanowhere posted 4/17/2013 11:51 AM

I hate the idea of having to be a monitor but I need some advice here as well. I had said that I would not live a life where I was constantly having to check up on WH but after reading some of the threads here in SI I've decided I don't want to be stupid either. I mean, I've been that for years now & look where it got me! I can't stand the thought of moving forward only to find out that the R isn't real. I do believe that would destroy what's left of me. I've been reading about software that will track phone calls, emails, etc. So, how about it? To monitor or not to monitor. That is my question.

heforgotme posted 4/19/2013 07:12 AM

In the beginning I would monitor a lot, to make good and sure that it's actually over. But at this point I don't. But I am definitely more "alert". I would start snooping if i ever again smelled something the slightest bit fishy.

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