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I realized I've come to acceptance.

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Flatlined123 posted 4/16/2013 17:13 PM

I'm not sure how I feel about this. It's new to me.

I realized today that I understand that no matter what I ask, what H answers, he will still have had an affair.

He will still had sex with someone while we were married.


Nothing will ever change that fact and nothing will ever make me feel indifferent to it and nothing will ever make it go away.

I accept this.

It still hurts. If I let myself get on that ride, I hurts like crazy and I can end up crying. They're sad tears, not gut wrenching sobs like in the beginning. Just tears of sadness at what he did to us.

We have made such a much better life for ourselves. The work on both of our parts has been tremendous. It's not easy to try again.

We're going to make it.

I accept that this is part of our past. Like a terrible car accident that has left your crippled. I walk with just a slight emotional limp from this now instead of being on life support.

I feel like a weight has been lifted. I accept my life.

forgivingnow posted 4/16/2013 17:25 PM

"We have made such a much better life for ourselves."
Acceptance does not take all the pain away but it does allow you to move forward. I remember my husband saying he wished he could change the past, but he couldn't change the past and he wasn't that person anymore. I realized I can't change the past either...and the 'past' is not my reality now.
So glad you could get there.

sailorgirl posted 4/16/2013 19:35 PM


Thanks for sharing. I hope to get there someday!

Someone on SI had a tagline like, "I had to end my quest to change the past." I know intellectually that it's not going to work, but emotionally I'm am so still on that quest.

My subconscious still believes that if we do everything right, we can erase the A.
Getting to the acceptance you have must have been a gigantic amount of work. Congrats !

Lethealbegin posted 4/16/2013 19:36 PM

I am happy that you have reached acceptance. I need to do that myself. I am finding myself in a going around in circles of sadness.
My life would be happier if I would just accept what happened.
Thanks for posting this

mightsurvive posted 4/16/2013 20:10 PM

Thank you for sharing. I am almost there...I can see it. I am 16 months out. It doesn't matter how I twist it or turn it or inspect it. I have tried zillions of different angles and questions and no matter what detail I focus on or what info I hear from a new direction I do not feel the aha moment to make it ok or to make it make sense. I finally realize this.

Oh and the pain...yes it hurts like nothing I've ever known and probably always will when I think of it. I realize this too. And my WH will not ever feel it like I do.

Now for acceptance of all of this.

looking forward posted 4/16/2013 21:09 PM

This is what my H is struggling with, after 4 years of the truth revealed.
However, he had 40 years of lies to deal with.
So very was so wrong of me to do what I did for so long, so long ago...
I am trying my utmost to help my husband heal.
Acceptance after forgiveness.
He has forgiven me; he will never, never, ever forgive the OM. Therefore, how can H ever accept the past? That is a major impediment to his moving forward.

LA44 posted 4/16/2013 21:17 PM

Good post Flatlined. Glad you have gotten to this place.

Best wishes,

0115 posted 4/16/2013 21:23 PM

BIG step! So hard. OUCH. I know it hurts. It gets better. You're moving in the right direction.


HFSSC posted 4/16/2013 22:10 PM

I love the way the universe gives me what I need when I need it. The topic at my aa meeting today was acceptance versus "justifiable resentments". And then I see this post. One of my favorite quotes about acceptance is that it's what happens when I finally quit trying to change my past.

girlsbird posted 4/16/2013 22:31 PM

Acceptance is a good thing. I allows you to move forward.

3kids30years posted 4/16/2013 22:51 PM

Thank you for giving me hope. I know that I can't change the past, just move forward toward acceptance. Thank you for letting me see what I hope is in my future.

Flatlined123 posted 4/17/2013 05:05 AM

“Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”
― Oprah Winfrey

I read this quote awhile ago and thought "I want to get to that point", it seemed impossible.

I also realized that while I said I forgave H, if I didn't get to acceptance it wasn't really forgiveness.

Will I have rough days ahead? I'm sure until the day I die I will.

This is but one step on the journey.

LA44 posted 4/17/2013 06:05 AM

Great quote Flatined.

I posted something last night about seeing Oprah last year at this time - she mentioned that quote. It was quite a thrill to be at that show and hear from some life coaches on the topic of forgiveness.

As I posted last night, I remember being disappointed that the show's theme was Forgiveness bc I thought I had a good grip on that. I even told my friend with confidence that I could probably forgive anyone for anything short of harming my kids.

Guess the gods in the room were listening. I would be put to the test 8 months later with D-Day.

Working on it!

27yearsnowlost posted 4/17/2013 07:38 AM

Great post.

I'm so glad for you!!!

I wish some day I will be there.

It looks like my WH is moving in the right direction.

healingk posted 4/19/2013 07:07 AM


Thank you for this post, it is such a great post for those that are further out from D-Day. This kinda sums up everything.

Theradin posted 4/19/2013 14:52 PM

Good for you! So happy to hear you've come to accept it, and it sounds like you have done so for the right reasons! It definitely takes a LOT of work, and both have to be fully committed and true to one another for it to work, but bravo for you (and your WS)..!

Getting to Happy posted 4/19/2013 15:03 PM

I call it, My "New Normal".

The idea shakes me to my core and yes I now have 'an emotional limp", but I just have to get used to it...

My Husband had a girlfriend.

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