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Alyssamd24 posted 4/16/2013 18:13 PM

[This message edited by Alyssamd24 at 3:55 PM, April 21st (Sunday)]

authenticnow posted 4/16/2013 18:21 PM

Hi Alyssa,

You are still in your EA and as long as you are, you won't be able to think clearly.

.he has actually been more supportive than anyone else since my husband and I separated.
He's a married man in a relationship with another woman. You need to get support from healthier people, and from within. This is not a friend or a healthy support system. It's completely dysfunctional.

He hasn't told his wife about his A so what's going on for him is that he's getting the thrill of two women pining over him without being accountable for any of it.

I don't know that I'm still in love with my husband or if I still want to be with him, but I also don't want to throw our life together away.
The way you figure out what you want is to go NC (no contact) with OM, completely. Then dig deep, go to IC (therapy), and figure out why you cheated, why you were willing to give up your family for another man, a married man with kids.

I'm sorry this sounds harsh. It's reality.

You can start to feel better about yourself by being the person you want to be, the person you can be. End it with OM. Do the work on yourself, and then maybe you and your BH can figure out the next steps together. But the first steps start with fixing you.

hurt2005 posted 4/16/2013 18:52 PM

Hello Alyssa,

You have done a great thing by deciding to post - this is the first step you have taken to help yourself. Please listen to all that AN has said and what other waywards will come and say soon. Please trust us when we say NO CONTACT with the OM is a must, an absolute must for yourself and if you really truly don't want to throw your life with your husband and family away. If you have to email him about work, then keep it work-related only - if you don't have to email him about work, then DON'T EMAIL HIM. Even if he sends you ten emails and pesters you for replies, don't reply. No emails, no texts, no calls, nothing. The 'support' he is giving you is fake and self-serving. The support you need must come from yourself.

I am so angry and disgusted with myself and the person I have become.

I posted nearly enough the same thing in my first post here and wise people here told me that I had a choice, I don't have to be that person anymore. The same is true for you. You don't have to feel this way anymore. You can choose who you want to be.

Mrs Panda posted 4/16/2013 19:04 PM

OK, I am going to try to help you the best way I know how, because I too was in la-la fog land over OM. But that was 4 years ago.

This guy doesn't want to be your new husband. He had his fun. It's over.

What you did was terribly shameful. Dishonest. Wrong.

At this point, it is kind of pathetic to be clinging to him and asking for support. Really. You are still in the A.

You want support? Come here. Get in IC. Talk to friends.

OM is not going to do anything to help you salvage your dignity or your M, if you want that.

You cannot get any perspective on whether R and your M is even an option, or if you want that, while you are in contact with OM.

You need full NC. No Facebook. No talking. Nothing.

You need a new job. Really.
Unless you enjoy eating crow every day.

Since you don't mention it, I will ask. Where is your BH on this? Has he filed for divorce yet?

Alyssamd24 posted 4/16/2013 19:18 PM

Mrs Panda,
My BH is actually just as confused as I am. We have had many discussions....we had said that perhaps we lost the "spark"(for lack of a better term) and at some point became just friends rather than lovers...we have spoke about getting divorce but he still wants to spend time with me and frequently asks me to come over and spend time with him once our daughter goes to bed.

Thank you to all of you who have responded so far....I know I need to fix myself first, but I just don't know where to begin

Mrs Panda posted 4/16/2013 19:42 PM

So, does your BH know you are regularly communicating with OM?

authenticnow posted 4/16/2013 20:11 PM


Do you plan on going NC with OM so you can start figuring this out?

Alyssamd24 posted 4/16/2013 21:05 PM

Mrs Panda,
No. He does not.
And AN....I know I need to go NC with the this point I am trying to gather the courage to do so....I know many people may disagree with this, but it's going to be hard to do....I know that sounds silly though, especially because of all the cause I have caused my BH...

BaxtersBFF posted 4/16/2013 21:48 PM

Hi Alyssamd24,

Welcome to SI. You've been glued to the site for a week now...have you read the Healing Library? If not, do so. Also, read the "big" posts here in the Wayward forum that have multiple pages. Aubrie has posted links to them in other threads. I'll try to bump them tonight.

So, everything that AN and Mrs. Panda have said??? yeah, that is the real stuff there. Listen to what they've said.

The stuff your BH is saying...don't trust that right now. My suspicion is that he feels responsible for you sleeping around with some other guy, which is total bullshit in most cases. Which means that you've done a great job at putting some blame for your A on your BH. Yes, that is likely what's happened. We've all done it to some degree or other.

The OM isn't really such a great guy. He fucked you while he was still married. Does that sound like a guy you want to have a relationship with? did he have kids? Does he go to church? Just try to put it in perspective.

So, to your situation, you won't be able to make an honest assessment about your own situation until you go NC (no contact) completely with the OM. If that means changing jobs, then so be it. I for one can't imagine having continued working in the same company as the OW in my sitch, but that it me. Some people seem to be able to do it. I know I couldn't. And you need to realize or understand that as long as you are in contact with this other guy, your mind is going to be acting as if you where on drugs. Literally, that is what happens in many of the WS's brains. It's like being high and continuing a daily habit. You're getting another hit with every email from this OM.

So just stop and breath.

It absolutely will not be easy for you. It will hurt like hell. I know. But until you do it, you will be living a lie. You will continue to be dishonest with yourself and with your BH. That is reality. So stand up for yourself. Be honest with yourself first. Take that step to be NC with the OM. Do not respond to him. Do not even work the same shift or in the same office if possible. As long as you see him, it will continue to be a problem for you to face the reality of your situation.

Okay, sorry for the 2x4's. I've been where you are. You can change. Healing is possible.

Alyssamd24 posted 4/16/2013 21:54 PM

Thank you BaxtersBFF!!

Mrs Panda posted 4/17/2013 06:10 AM

Logically, I am sure you realize how wrong it is to continue to chat with OM as if he's a friend. And I am willing to bet your BH would be furious. But you continue to lie to him.

Who asked for the separation? Who is living with the kids?
Divorce is around the are running out of time if you want to save the M.

The spark was gone. What a crock. I know because I said the same thing. I blamed my BH for not giving me what I needed. But what was I actually doing to keep the M healthy? Nothing. People get lazy and stop trying. Is the solution to go fuck a new dude? Guess what, those sparks die too. 2 months in this case.

Marriages can be improved...but that's neither here nor there now.

Read Maia's Survival Guide for Newbies. You will see that OM withdrawl is not unique and is a symptom of your issues, not something a-maz-ing about him.

EmotionalFool posted 4/17/2013 07:10 AM


I don’t want to be harsh with you. But I want you to look at your situation from a different perspective.
Your AP is a MARRIED man and he says he loves his wife, not willing to end his marriage AND he still talks to you romantically. Just pause for a min. Ask yourself what does it make you?

I avoided answering that question with “But I care.. But I luuuuvvv.. But I am not a bad person BUT BUT BUT”. Remove all the “BUT”s. And really answer that question to yourself.
Why are you letting him treat you like that? Where is your self-respect?

Buckle up. Some of the answers are not going to pretty.

Taurus517 posted 4/17/2013 10:08 AM

Hello. I may not be the best person to give advice, yet I have learned that talking to people and reading SI do help. You are not alone in this and it took me awhile to understand that. BaxtersBFF gives great advice and everyone else here does as well. I don't get on as much but every time I do, I have a better understanding on what my BS is going thru and what I can do to fix the issue.

avoided answering that question with “But I care.. But I luuuuvvv.. But I am not a bad person BUT BUT BUT”. Remove all the “BUT”s. And really answer that question to yourself.

EmotionalFool is right take the But out, that one word can screw everything up. But = excuses, don't make excuses,like it or not you have to see it for what it really is.
Just stay positive and talk to people such as IC, MC, SI, or married couples that have been thru it or in a healthy strong marriage. Hope this helps cause we can all learn from each other.

Alyssamd24 posted 4/17/2013 19:56 PM

Mrs Panda,
BH is the one who asked for the desperation...after DD he kicked me out....he is still at our house and I am staying with my parents. We currently have split custody of our daughter(4 this weekend), she is with me 4 days and him 3.

Thank you to all those who have responded...although these things aren't easy to hear about myself I know they are true, and I appreciate the brutal honesty

Trying33 posted 4/18/2013 00:46 AM

BH is the one who asked for the desperation...after DD he kicked me out.

This freudian slip says it all. This is exactly what it is desparation. A desparte attempt to try and soothe and feel better for that short time. To try and feel like some-one gives a shit and that they care genuinely. Yeh, well they do. They care enough to let you lean on them during the day and "there, there" you when it's convenient for them. Where is AP at night when you're alone and need someone to talk to? Someone to hold you? He's at home with his WIFE.

Everyone here has gone through this. Please take note. We all probably sound harsh and uncaring but I really wish someone would've said this to me when I was where you were (although I never separated from husband but you know what I mean).

Yes, it does feel like love. It's intense and intoxicating. There is hope that if you hang on long enough things may work out? He's as attached to you as you are to him but still wants to cake eat. Please trust me, when the shit really hits the fan for AP and his wife threatens to leave him, he will throw you under the bus and will stop contact forever.

Before that happens, show that you care enough about yourself and end it yourself.

I really know what you're going through. It's so painful. It's deep attachmenet to another person and to end it is going to hurt. But as many people say, until you instigate NC with AP you will NEVER know if you and H can reconcile.

Maybe you can, maybe you can't. But with AP being 3rd wheel, you'll never know.

Keep posting. People will try to help as much as possible.

Alyssamd24 posted 4/18/2013 20:30 PM

Thank you for your and the others who have responded have all been a tremendous help...I am glad I found this site because it is so helpful to find other people who have made the same mistakes that I have, and understand what it feels like....and are also less likely to judge than my family and friends who haven't been in this situation.

Trying33 posted 4/19/2013 01:16 AM

I feel the same. My sister and best friend were great initially and very supportive but after a while and withdrawal from AP they just couldn't understand why I couldn't move on so quickly.

An AP who's ended things and a H that wants to R. For them it was a no-brainer. Obviously, it wasn't so easy.

What's happening right now? Where are you at?

This site will also give you persepctive. You don't have to implement it but in situations like this I felt I had totally lost all perspective as I had no one to bounce ideas off like you do with "normal" life issues.

What's the latest from your AP?

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