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Why am I crazy?

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Awake2012 posted 4/16/2013 23:39 PM

It has been months, months of me crying. Months of depression, sometimes I get angry, those are my good days. And every once in a while I have a day where I feel I will be okay, where I feel happy. But most days are crying and despair. Despair like I have never experienced in my life. I trusted him with all my heart. Believed in him like no other. Why, do I hang on. Why have I not left? While we have a young child who is worried about divorce, sadly he has seen me crying too much to be blind. And heard his dad tell his mom very unhappy things, he is not stupid. He knows. But I just feel if we can't be happy together we are better apart, if we are talking about the kids. But I am so crazy. One day I love my husband, the next day I hate him, the next day I hate myself. I feel as if I am going insane. Is one man really worth all this when he decided to leave his crying wife (who knew exactly why he was creating a fight and leaving) to go do a girl 1 year older than my daughter. Why can't I let go?

gonnabe2016 posted 4/16/2013 23:43 PM

Did you, just this second, change your profile story???

Awake2012 posted 4/16/2013 23:45 PM

I am not sure what I am doing yet, I did mention I am crazy. What is the profile story compared to signature. Can't figure out what to put where?

gonnabe2016 posted 4/16/2013 23:57 PM

LOL. Whew! I thought that *I* was the one that was going crazy for a minute! I read your post, clicked to your profile to see some backstory, saw a paragraph or so, clicked BACK to your post to re-read it, then went back to the profile to *fit* it all together....and your profile story was completely different. I thought I had clicked into a different user or something......(probably more info than you needed to read, just giving you my *process*).

The signature is what shows up at the bottom of all of your posts and I think there's a *digit* limit. Generally used for a synopsis of your situation or to put random *deep* thoughts (short ones).

Your story is....your story. It stays in your profile and people that click on the *smiley* face have access to it.

Awake2012 posted 4/17/2013 00:01 AM

Okay, I think I got it. Just put something there. If I write out the whole story, I would be a book, as I am sure everyone else can do too. I will check other profiles and get a feel for what to put. Thanks so much.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/17/2013 00:09 AM

Proof of a gf and a child. Your WH's child?

Awake2012 posted 4/17/2013 00:10 AM

Still need help. I feel totally crazy. My husband does not want a divorce. I don't know weather I am coming, or going, or about to commit murder. He wants to "fix me", but no talking. He says I know what happened, so he doesn't want to talk anymore. But everything I know is from me being so bonded to him I felt things, got hunches, and started investigating (I do have a career that has provided me training in that area). Bet he wishes he had thought of that before. He told me later, he thought I would never know, that there was no way I could figure it out...AND it impressed him that I did put it together. Finally, I get a compliment, but not so rewarding. I would rather never get a compliment ever than... Oh, I am so impressed that I thought you were too stupid to put together my deception, even though I know you have training in that area. Oh, and in addition, one of the excuses for the A is that I became too independent when I started working and he got scared. I wasn't going to be in college forever. Help, can anyone out there help??? I think I am ready to leave him, but at the same time I feel like I have lost an arm and a leg and may lose the rest of me if I do. I don't know what to do.

Awake2012 posted 4/17/2013 00:11 AM

No. My H has an A with a girl one year older than my daughter from my first marriage, who he raised. My son is the same age as the OW. We have one child together.

Awake2012 posted 4/17/2013 00:21 AM

My son is 22, my daughter 21, my youngest 11. My age does make things look funny.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/17/2013 00:41 AM

No, Awake, your stuff didn't *look* funny. In that dastardly profile, you said that you found proof of a gf and a child. I wasn't sure *whose* child you were referring to. There have been instances where the BS discovered a *secret* OC. I was just asking for clarification.

Is your WH still involved with his OW right now?

Awake2012 posted 4/17/2013 01:17 AM

Oh I so know that. It happened to a friend of mine. And when I suspected my H was cheating, I mentioned it. My H always talked to much smack about that kind of thing (he always hated cheaters), so I said it to see his reaction. Instead of saying that is messed up, he was quiet and just looked down. Which of course made my stomach ache. Later that night I mentioned cheating again, because I couldn't accuse, I didn't have proof, and he again got quiet and looked down. That was the night I finally got ahold of his phone. He forgot, he didn't get a chance to delete the FB messages and I knew he used FB to communicate. After I knew, I just told him I knew there was a girl. Yes, I call her a girl. He screamed at me, do I know what the consequences are of accusing him of something like that. And for the first time in my life, I looked at him dead in the eye with a very firm look, and said YES!! I KNOW!! He immediately went into the house to call a friend and ask, "do you think she knows"? Meaning, he never wanted me to find out, but enjoyed his little adventure.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/17/2013 01:20 AM

He screamed at me, do I know what the consequences are of accusing him of something like that. And for the first time in my life, I looked at him dead in the eye with a very firm look, and said YES!! I KNOW!! He immediately went into the house to call a friend and ask, "do you think she knows"

So has he still not actually confessed anything to you?

Awake2012 posted 4/17/2013 01:42 AM

No, he feels I know the story. I know there are holes. And it would be nice if just once he would offer something I don't know. Everything I have learned is from me digging like a crazed insane lunatic. I had to prove to myself I wasn't crazy, but at the same time, I was so wishing I would find proof I was wrong. I wasn't though. And since according to him, I figured it all out, to talk about it is "beating a dead horse". He doesn't understand I need to hear from him his thoughts, that he knows he did wrong. All he has said is sorry. He wont talk. And I am now starting to feel horrible for bringing it up, like there is something wrong with me. I know he wants his old life back, but I will never give him that. He had that, and didn't want it. I can't help it that he changed his mind after he got caught.

HurtsButImOK posted 4/17/2013 04:51 AM


I am so sorry you are going through this. Its crazy making when they are not remorseful or even give you the decency of the truth.

Have you had a chance to read the Healing Library (upto the left in the yellow box). It might be helpful to do the 180. This is to help you. It will give you a chance to focus on you, on what you need to do to keep yourself as healthy as possible for your children.

The rollercoaster of emotions is normal. Pure rage one day, absolute despair the next and everything in between.

Keep posting as you need, let it out. Rage and vent to us, try to detach from your WH so that you can get a chance to breath.

Unfortunately you cant make him do or tell you anything.

Keep breathing, try to eat and keep hydrated.

5yrsout posted 4/17/2013 06:01 AM


Please, please please consider my story (too close to your own future, I fear.)

My fWH has never mentioned a single thing related to his "secret friend". He only admitted that he lied to me because I found her number on our cell phone bill with a 57 minute call on his way home from work.

He has NEVER admitted to PA.
He has never explained himself.

I am 7 years out...
and STILL GOING CRAZY... my insides are being eaten away... I hate him... I hate myself...

I firmly believe that we only have a limited window of "power" after infidelity and that we NEED to get it all out then (when dealing with spouses like ours.)

You must be strong NOW. Your position will only get weaker and weaker as time goes by... you may feel it is already too late. IT IS NOT.

You are less than one year out and he is doing nothing to help you.

You don't have to threaten divorce. But, you could explain that without "working" on this PROPERLY, you will either be divorced emotionally, crazy (for real) or dead inside like me.

PLEASE feel free to PM me if you want. I swear, it is my own fault for allowing him to basically rugsweep. We did discuss it initially, but then I let it go internal. And, now I will NEVER heal.


jjct posted 4/17/2013 09:48 AM

These stories make my heart ache.
Then I get angry because no one deserves abuse.

Abusers scream at people they should be begging forgiveness from. Abusers decide how much information, reality, and truth their victims need. They control access to support, by blocking it...requiring their victims to depend on them.

It's a nice, vicious circle for them. That kind of control? It turns them on. Creating instability (why am I crazy?) ensures more ready compliance.

Fuck him! You are not crazy. Get angry.
Don't threaten anything. Just do it. File on the teeny man-bitch. Want to see the snot-nosed coward-bully he really is? Have him served.

Do NOT tolerate abuse.

Some resources here:

1Faith posted 4/17/2013 11:18 AM

I am so sorry that you are still going through this. You don't deserve this. You should not be treated as an option.

1. If he truly loves you and wants to rebuild your marriage he will do ANYTHING to make it better. That includes

- cutting off all contact with the OW and any friends that helped him protect his lies/deceit. Period. If he loves you he will not put you in a place where you are continually reminded of his betrayal, where you are continually hurt and where you are continually wondering if he is cheating on you - emotionally or physically. Loving someone means you will do anything to prevent them from hurting. He can change his email address or block her email from his. Sounds as if he has an excuse for everything. Sounds as if he thrives off the drama, and is not remorseful. You can't recover if he isn't even sorry.

- counseling may be uncomfortable for him, may makes him feel worse? Of course it will because he has to be honest with his feelings and be accountable for his actions. He has to do a deep dive on why he cheated in the first place and own the hurt and destruction he has caused. Tough toenails. If YOU need counseling and he truly loves you then his level of being uncomfortable doesn't matter. I told my h - either we went to counseling or its over. Deal breaker. Finding the right counselor helps - took us 3 but when we found her it was the start of the epiphany.

2. He doesn't have a reason to change. You are still there and he is still doing what he wants. He justifies his behavior and you're just supposed to deal with it. Time for you to think about how you want to live your life and what type of relationship YOU want. Come up with a list of 2-3 things that must change immediately. If he isn't willing to do those then you have your answer that he isn't going to change. Then you have to be the change you want in your life. He isn't going to wake up out of his "fog" because he doesn't have to.

3. It's been 13 months since my DDay and in the beginning THE ONLY reason I stayed was because of our children. I remember asking my therapist - is this the right reason to be here. She said for now there is no better reason but if in a year that is still the only reason then you don't have an authentic marriage and you will do more harm to your children in the long run. As parents we have to be examples of love, commitment, contribution, faith and perseverance. If you both work at rebuilding your marriage your children will learn relationships go through hard times and can make it through. If nothing changes you teach them to settle, to put up with being treated badly (they will think its normal) while living in an unhealthy environment. They can feel the tension, the sadness, the uncertainty. Reality is a better place to exist for everyone. Your kids would rather have a strong, confident mother that demonstrates and lives honesty and truth vs. one that is insecure (rightfully so), sad and scared.

4. Please don't misconstrue that I am saying all or any of this is easy bc it is anything but easy. But I think you know in your heart and head what you need to do. Know that you are never alone and you are stronger than you think.

Praying for you for courage and strength.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 11:28 AM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 4/17/2013 12:09 PM

Two Thumbs up for JJ's post.

Awake2012 posted 4/24/2013 01:03 AM

I'm back. The responses on here really helped to make me feel maybe I am human and maybe I am not crazy. i still feel crazy. I guess, because my brain knows what is wrong in my life, but my heart, well it has alot of heart, and keeps hoping for a miracle.

Husband still will not talk. And I realize, Dday was in December, so thats not quite six months yet. But my pain has been since October, thats when my heart knew there was someone else.

He told me the other day he was tired and wanted to give up. I said fine, I am ready if you are.

Why is it so difficult for him to understand talking is important for a woman. I bet its important for men too. In March I discovered the relationship was physical after months of "get over it", "I didn't do anything", "I'm not a cheater", "Do you know what it does to me for you to even ask that (I asked if it wasn't physical, why the extreme guilt)?".

He says he is tire now and wants to get back to normal. But everytime normal happens, I get supper depressed.

He told me all these horrible things about me, so I second guess how I should behave. Normal freaks me out right now.

But my point was. He says he is tired of talking. He is tired of me bringing it up, because he feels I am throwing it in his face. My point of view is, I had questions since October 2012. He lied and continued the A (he felt they were false accusations), so didn't end anything. In December I had proof to show him, that he was having an A, and he could not longer deny. The A started to my knowledge in August. The "accusations" which were questions, is there someone else ?, were not false.

In December he knew I knew. Then the anger and blame game began. I only had proof of a EA. So he felt my pain and crying was over exaggerated and I was behaving as a "sixteen year old drama queen".

In January, I emailed him a definition of infidelity and it started to sink in for him, that even if just EA, its painful.

Anyways, from December till March, I tried to talk and ask questions. He talked a bit, but there were all lies.

Then in March I learned it was physical.

He told me he was glad the truth was finally out, now we can get back to normal. He tries really hard to be nice, but if I say anything about A or us not talking, he gets super defensive and attacks about how unhappy he was and that he didn't feel appreciated.

So my big problem is this. He made an effort to entertain my talking before I knew it was physical. But since that has come out, no talking what so ever.

Everything I know is because I uncovered it. He never revealed anything I didn't know.

I have no one to talk to. I can't talk to him (and he was always before this my best friend). I recently went to the doc for STD testing, and she was adamant that I go get some therapy. She said it was clear this was a traumatic event for me and I am not recovering.

I have yet to make an appointment. I feel, I will recover if I leave him. And I should not have to do it alone, when he won't talk to me if I stay. Because what the hell kind of marriage can I hope for if we can never talk about bad stuff?

I guess my big question is. If he won't talk. Is it possible to recover without me talking to someone and not getting therapy?

Is it possible, if I get therapy alone, I could recover, in a relationship where the husband will not talk. He will text and email, but no verbal communication. He doesn't like my reactions. I'm a bit emotional at times and he hates that.

I would truly love to save my marriage, but at this point, I feel the talking thing is the skulls and cross bones sign that my marriage is over.

Do WS ever come around. Or if they bury it, is it to be buried forever?

Skan posted 4/24/2013 13:56 PM

You can heal, no matter if he heals or not. You can work on yourself and leave him to himself, and reach a point of healing. However you really can't do it while he is still there and you're trying to have a relationship with him, because he's going to be a constant trigger, unsupportive, and will continue to rugsweep everything as much as possible. His actions, or lack of action, will prevent you from truly healing. Yes, you may come to an accommodation of killing off your feelings or burying them enough to continue to live with him, but you will not heal and you will still slowly leak mental blood through that open wound.

Do you really want to do that for the rest of your life?

Please. See an IC for yourself. Detatch yourself, and do the 180 to help YOU figure out what you need to do for yourself and your sanity. And think long and hard about if you really want to live the rest of your life with a WH that takes no responsibility, will not speak, leaves you in pain, and will in all likelyhood, put you through this time and time again.

You so SO much worth more than this cruel and dismissive treatment. (((hugs)))

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