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Chefj9 posted 4/17/2013 09:49 AM

So I'm 2 months out from DDay. He's doing a lot if the right things, but not enough. Historically he has always been difficult to talk too. Doesn't open up at all without being pushed really really hard. The last few weeks he's tried, but this week I feel like we are at square one regarding communication. He knows I'm disconnected right now, I'm sad, depressed and just suffering from a broken heart. But he won't ask me what's on my mind and I don't offer it. So we sit in tension and silence. I don't offer my thoughts, because I never know what to expect and I'm not willing to put my heart out to be stomped.

He joined SI, made one post and has never come back (he is Strydr) Totally makes me feel like he did it just because I suggested it. He's not in a fog, he's remorseful, he's also in IC.

Idk, I'm just tired of being the one that initiates every conversation we have. I'm hurting, it's obvious I'm closed off. Just one initiated conversation from him would mean the world to me. I think it would allow me to feel safe to open up. He just says "I love you" and then sighs....

SoVerySadNow posted 4/17/2013 10:52 AM

But is he reading the forums and the library? My WH read lots before posting at all- and doesn't post often. More frequently lately. My WH admits he is emotionally stunted and is having a difficult time being open and I have to push him too. It's hard to put yourself out there after they have betrayed you, so I understand your hesitancy to do that.
I wish I had a better answer for you, but I do know what you mean.

Chefj9 posted 4/17/2013 12:59 PM

I don't think he's reading anything at this point. He does know that he has communication issues and is not easy to approach. Something he's working to change. It just gets frustrating. It makes R feel one sided at times.

Jrazz posted 4/17/2013 13:05 PM

My FWH has a token membership here too. He's posted a few times, and I think it was mostly for me too.

Regarding SI, it's just not for everyone and that's ok.

Regarding the fact that your WH is not putting forth effort to be more communicative is unfortunate. Sometimes we have to ask for what we need, but he has to come meet you in the middle.

The 5 Love Languages book might be helpful here. Have you actually told him in specific words that you need him to initiate? Sometimes you have to lay the foundation. If you have to police after THAT, then something's not right.


Chefj9 posted 4/17/2013 14:32 PM

I have asked, but I'm sure I need to sit down and have the conversation again (just tired) We have both read the 5 Languages of Love during false R. His language is 95% physical, mine used to be "acts of service", but mine changes depending on what's going in in my life. Right now it's Affirmation, and I will say he recognized that change on his own.

I know he can't fix his communication issues over night, just feels like I'm always the one pushing and I'm emotionally drained right now. I just want to be selfish and be taken care of for once.

Willowtree posted 4/17/2013 23:49 PM

Hello, it makes me want to vomit that I'm even posting on here but any comfort, any advice, any words of any enlightenment from anyone who can relate would be much appreciated. I just know that telling my story again will break the dam and I have been holding back the tears for the past 3 weeks now. My H just asked for a trial separation on 3.4.13, and I found out about A on 3.20.13 but A was from 2.1.13 and as far as I know, was the only physical contact. I feel like a zombie, and when I really sit and think of all this I get catatonic and of course I'm barely eating or sleeping. Whoever can reach out, I will tell more of my story to, there are layers upon layers to this and I'm coming up to my 12 yr anniv next month, 14 yrs together. I am lost, confused, scared beyond belief and totally feel defeated right now but I'm holding strong and trying to kill him with kindness. I need help.

SI Staff posted 4/18/2013 06:25 AM

Hi Willowtree,

Welcome to SI.

When posting for support for your own situation, please start your own thread. You'll get better support that way and it won't take away from the original poster (chefj9 in this case).

If you have any questions about how or where to post, please contact a moderator or guide.

Thank you.

heforgotme posted 4/19/2013 07:04 AM

Idk, I'm just tired of being the one that initiates every conversation we have.

I don't know how it was for you guys, but Wh was a terrible communicator before this all happened. It was part of what got us into a mess. So, it's kind of unrealistic for me to expect him to suddenly be fabulous at it now.

The thing is, they have to at least TRY. At this point, if I am acting funny, Wh will usually ask if i need to talk or if i'm thinking about "it". And then we'll go talk, but I have to bring up the specific issues. This is fine with me. As long as in the end he talks to me.

He has only completely initiated once. He came up to me one time when I was not upset and told me it was time for a "trauma talk". It was great, but I don't expect it all the time.

Phoenix1 posted 4/19/2013 18:50 PM

My POS does not communicate at all. Never has. He has made comments in the past to the effect that, "women want to talk, guys don't." That is also a reference to his belief that "women create all the drama." Yeah, real winner I know. He gets the chauvanist of the year award. He also doesn't believe in counseling, so that will always be a no go. So I feel your pain, Chefj9. I am always the one trying to initiate our "talks," but they ultimately get me nowhere. His actions, however, speak volumes. That is all I have to go on, along with my gut instincts. When I was really hurting, surprisingly it was my kids that picked up on it long before the POS ever did. If your WS is anything like mine, he simply may never initiate communication. Sucks, I know.

papoula posted 4/28/2013 12:28 PM

I am in the same situation. Communication is minimal and he is not willing to tell me the truth.

We are completely stuck. If he doesn't tell me the truth we are not going anywhere and also I feel like he is underestimating my intelligence by believing that I will forgive him with a stupid excuse and lies.

Chefj9 posted 4/28/2013 13:11 PM

Papoula - don't give up hope. I posted this 11 days ago. I finally worked up the strength to to talk to him about how I was feeling. He surprised me completely. He is reading "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair". He gets it and is constantly trying. He's not perfect, but he's genuinely trying. It can change if they are really remorseful. (((Papua))). Keep posting, reading and asking. This site and the people here are amazing.

mchercheur posted 4/28/2013 13:55 PM

Chefj9, heforgotme

I could have written both your posts. Am in exactly the same situation. Am feeling very discouraged.

SoVerySadNow posted 4/28/2013 14:12 PM

Chefj9, I was happy to read the update from you. I hope he continues to grow.

Chefj9 posted 4/28/2013 16:08 PM

SoVerySadNow - I would say the last 2 days I have felt better. Yesterday, I actually spent the entire day with out a trigger and i went a few hours without it crossing my mind every 3 minutes. It was a tiny glimpse of normalcy. In the first few days I didn't think that would ever be possible. We have a bit of a situation, because the OW is a bunny boiler. But he couldn't have handled it any better. Thanks for checking on me

papoula posted 4/29/2013 22:56 PM

Yesterday we talked and communicated a little more but still lies and not the truth. I don't know what to do to get him to tell me the truth. I think we will have to just go separated ways without even trying. I don't think without the true I can do anything.

Chefj9 posted 4/30/2013 11:57 AM

You can't move forward without the truth and he's complete willingness to be transparent. Have you been in the healing library? The book "How to Heal Your Spouse from Your Affair has been a godsend.

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