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knightsbff posted 4/17/2013 14:53 PM

My BH has been great. Truly amazing. Sometimes I think too good.

When he triggers we talk about it. We let each other in now. It's good. But there's an area I can't seem to help him enough in.

He worries, like all BSes that this will happen again. My boundaries will be weak or I will falter and something like this will happen again. Before d-day I had decided on full transparency so I offered up all passwords, a tracking app on my phone (his too, because he has nothing to hide), I would have agreed to anything (still will). Thing is he hasn't asked for anything really.

I had some PMs with a male member here a while back which I immediately shared with my BH(they weren't social contacts, it was bipolar related, the members WW was also dx after their d-day). He has my password so he can look anytime he wants. He eventually decided that even though he has access and I tell him about my messages he isn't comfortable with PMs with male members. No problem. Done.

Besides worrying about infidelity. BH worries that I will just wake up one day and decide I don't want to do any of it any more. I think this worry comes partially from me dealing with the new Bipolar diagnosis.

What else can I possibly do to help my BH feel safe? I can say that wont happen, but he has seen what I've been going through. It's been pretty rough. I know that wont happen but telling him that just sounds empty. My word isn't worth a whole lot, kwim?

Finally10 posted 4/17/2013 18:03 PM

Watching anxiously for replies... same exact place on these two issues.

hardlessons posted 4/17/2013 18:16 PM

The only thing for your BS that will answer those questions are consistent hard work. Actions with the addition of time (seeing the changes in action multiple times) is what will calm fears. As a BS I had no idea what emotion or fear was going to pop up next. The Waywards who do the work can find reconciliation.

If the BS decides it was a deal breaker down the road it was still work that needed to be done regardless right?

hardlessons posted 4/17/2013 18:21 PM

As a wayward, for me it was important to understand that in this work it is ALL about the journey. I am a results kind of guy and when a problem or opportunity comes up I want to knock it out and move on to the next. BUT with this shit you have to forget the destination, forget the "what if's" forget the what if it was a deal breaker. Roll up the sleeves and get busy. Stand still and you will get whacked (I know from experience) keep active and moving forward. And last but not least, our BS has to deal with their fears, their choices, their decisions as part of THEIR healing. So, don't get caught up with being their nursemaid, it seems strange but they will get more help from seeing you fix your shit than anything else.

MissesJai posted 4/17/2013 18:22 PM

agree with HL. Time & consistency. This is your new reality.

they will get more help from seeing you fix your shit than anything else.

Jrazz posted 4/17/2013 18:25 PM

they will get more help from seeing you fix your shit than anything else.

Yes. Yes yes yes.

knightsbff posted 4/17/2013 18:40 PM


I had IC today and told her what I had posted. She had a lot of things to day about it and much of what she said was exactly what you said.

1) she said I have to stop beating myself up for the infidelity in order to make progress on myself. I know this is true but I thought I had stopped beating myself up. When I told her that she actually laughed a little...I guess not...

2) She says I HAVE to let go of BH's healing. I thought I had done that too...nope. He is in charge of his own healing and I have to work on myself. I have to keep reminding myself of this.

3) I have to learn/believe that I'm worth moving through this. I'm worth it. I think this fits in with letting go of outcomes or doing the work for our own sakes right?

4) this one is off topic but I will throw it in there in case someone besides me needs it today. I have to learn/believe that I'm good/worthy, not perfect, but that's ok. I don't have to be perfect to still be a good/worthy person.

Edited because I'm on my freakin iPad.

[This message edited by knightsbff at 6:43 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

hardlessons posted 4/17/2013 19:00 PM

I have to learn/believe that I'm good/worthy, not perfect, but that's ok. I don't have to be perfect to still be a good/worthy person.

As long as that belief is grounded in repeated and time tested change, actions, boundaries enforced etc THEN believe away. I see a lot of people reach for the goal or end state without doing the work and then when "Shit goes down" your left messed up again.

Self worth is a tough one for me. I do know that real worth /value comes from the work not the end state. Any typo's I am blaming on the possible tornadoes headed thru OK city!!

Ladyogilvy posted 4/17/2013 19:12 PM

IDK, D-day was less than a year ago. They say there's a 2-5 year recovery period if the WS is remorseful and transparent. I would think that part of feeling better about yourself would include doing everything you can to comfort and reassure your BS. Somone here recently wrote something about being sure they wouldn't cheat again... Not just because they loved their spouse and didn't want to hurt them again but because they were making that commitment. Period. Not based on something that could change due to circumstances. A solid commitment. I know my WH wants the script that will make everything okay, make me move on, put the past in the past. I hate that. I don't want a talking parrot. Love is not enough. He never stopped saying he loved me during his A. He says he's never stopped loving me since the day we met. Clearly, love is not enough. A commitment based on your decision to be a better person no matter what... That might be more reassuring. Love goes through cycles of passion, anger, routine, boredom, exhaustion, fun, excitement... Commitment keeps you going through all the cycles.

[This message edited by Ladyogilvy at 7:14 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

5454real posted 4/17/2013 19:24 PM

Hope I'm not out of line with this, but here goes. Was your stance on A especially strong prior to your own? The hardest thing I'm having to deal with outside of the A itself is the belief that she will not repeat.

My fear seems to have roots in the fact that she was so anti-A prior to her own. I mean couldn't even discuss her BFF's A without becoming visibly shaken. Yet it happened.

Short term, there are no words to comfort me. No amount of reassurances will stem the fear. I'm hoping that the long term consistent showing of remorse will help alleviate that fear.

I can see it in her eyes, she knows that it won't happen again. I also knew that it couldn't happen in the first place.

Stay consistent. Work on you, show a confident, remorseful you to BH. Our favorite word of all is biggest part of the solution given you implementing those steps. It's also one we can't change. Time.


hardlessons posted 4/17/2013 19:58 PM

Lady, agree. Commitment has to start with commitment to oneself before we can commit to another.

knightsbff posted 4/17/2013 22:28 PM

I think I understand what you're saying HL. If I'm still acting like a pos cheater then telling myself I'm a good person isn't going to do much to help me or my BH.

I like your take on better really. She keeps focusing on that and forgiving myself. And I'm not seeing the steps to make those things happen.

Transparency, good communication with my BH, boundaries... These are things I can see and do.

The self worth thing is hard. I have been wayward in my thinking and behaviors my whole life I believe. I didn't cheat in most of my relationships but the wayward thinking has always been there. She wants me to see my worth and accept myself as a flawed but worthy person. I don't know...

To be continued...

knightsbff posted 4/17/2013 22:42 PM


I can recognize small changes in the way I feel about myself as this work is in progress.

Each time I manage a sticky situation the right way I feel a bit please that I'm growing. Boundaries and changes like this affect how we interact with neighbors, friends, coworkers, family. There are opportunities to test ourselves if we are serious about change.

And what's nice is when I don't do the whole overkill because I'm scared to death of screwing up somehow thing but instead enforce my boundaries firmly but quietly so things don't get all awkward.... Yeah sometimes still working on it.


cinnamongurl posted 4/17/2013 23:00 PM

Im right where you are KBFF! Celebrate the small victories, recognize what you can change and do it, and remember its not all going to happen at once. Its OK to feel bad and doubtful and scared. Its normal and healthy. Embrace your insecurities and discomfort. The awkwardness and the doubt. They are yours. But embrace the good in yourself as well! The positive, the change and the growth. The obstacles you've overcome. They are yours as well.

Eta: But please be kind and gentle to yourself. You are worth the work. You are strong and brave. You are a good person.

[This message edited by cinnamongurl at 11:04 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

knightsbff posted 4/18/2013 00:06 AM

I agree with you, love isn't enough. Commitment is necessary, but even more so, long term actions based on that commitment.

I also told my BH I loved him during the A, I did, I didn't respect him or myself, and my actions didn't show love for either of us. But my actions now show love and respect consistently. He's not always buying it. It depends on the rollercoaster whether he feels it's real or not but I try very hard to make sure my actions are always consistent. And you know what? That part isn't "work" it's hard sometimes to see the pain but showing my BH the love he deserves and helping him through this in any way possible doesn't feel like work. The work part comes in when I'm dealing with myself. The digging and slogging through my past, foo, things I've worked very hard to forget. That part is work.

Yes. My stance on A's was strong prior to my own, and my BH says your words could have been his. He feels the same way. He agrees consistent actions will help. He also says our much improved communication helps. We talk about everything now. I bring up the A, he brings up the A, we talk about triggers. I'm here now. Things are different and better than they have ever been in our 15 years of marriage, and 2 1/2 years of dating (in spite our pain).

knightsbff posted 4/18/2013 11:01 AM

Thanks CG. This is hard. We just have to keep moving as HL said.

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