Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Just told him

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

grapefruit posted 4/17/2013 15:26 PM

Last night, I told my husband about all my infidelities throughout our marriage. There have been five men, two of whom I had a full-blown EA/PA with, and the other three I had a PA with (one I started to have sex with but stopped, and the other two I didn't have sex with but there was sexual behaviour). He knows all but one of the people involved, and two he considered friends. He is understandably very hurt and upset.

We have been together for nearly 15 years and married for nearly 10. The first time was over 7 years ago, and the last time was over 4 years ago. I told him about one of them at the time. One of the EAs came out a few weeks ago, and the rest last night.

I guess I should also say that eight weeks ago I found out my husband was having a PA (which he stopped as soon as I discovered it). After daily admissions (TT), we realised after a week that he is a SA (sex addict). There have been prostitutes (before we were married and after), pornography, adult chat sites, and meeting up with people for sex. He has never had an EA (although he had ongoing contact with some of them). He has been in therapy since and has been attending SA meetings.

I am deeply deeply ashamed of my behaviour. I desperately want our relationship to work and he does (did?), too. I've started with a new therapist, and we have had one MC session together. We have more booked in, but not until May.

I used the usual justifications for not telling previously - that I would hurt him, that it would be awkward knowing it was friends, that they were my issues to deal with and not his - but basically I was a coward and didn't want to face up to it. I thought it would feel better now that it's all out there (that wasn't a motivation for telling) but I just feel hideous. I have only just realised that there must have been periods of huge disconnection in our marriage. That is not an excuse, but I just wish I'd seen it at the time and had the courage to confront him rather than turning outward to find emotional intimacy.

Thanks for reading my story. Any advice or feedback is welcome.

BaxtersBFF posted 4/17/2013 19:15 PM

I guess I should say welcome, since this is your first day of posting, but you joined three years ago?

What did you think about this site back when you joined? Have you read here all along? If so, why did you think your not telling would be any different than any other story of not telling that you've read about here?

Did you know about your WH's A's prior to 8-weeks ago?

It sounds as if you have a ton of work ahead of you. Both of you.

grapefruit posted 4/17/2013 19:24 PM

Yes, I came across this site three years ago when I followed a link from somewhere. I tried to deal with what I had done by myself as I thought they were my issues and not my husband's (I know now how wrong and stupid that was). I'm not sure I can answer your question about why I thought my not telling would be any different than any other story - denial? Self-preservation? The constant justifications that begin with "but".

I lurked for a couple of weeks but haven't come back since then, until now.

No, I had absolutely no idea about my WH's A or any of his previous behaviours until 8 weeks ago.

You're right, we have heaps of work ahead of us. Thanks for responding to me.

[This message edited by grapefruit at 7:26 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

hatefulnow posted 4/17/2013 20:19 PM

Well, it's good you finally told him. No advice but good luck.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.