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Has anyone R'd from A, but still D'd?

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still2suspicious posted 4/17/2013 15:36 PM

I have 9 toes out the door, and hanging on by just the pinkie!!

Except for the unknown triggers I am pretty much past the EA.

BUT, the last several years has changed both of us. And I am coming to the conclusion R;d from the A might have all been in vain.

Has anyone out there gotten past the A, but in the end D'd anyways?

hurtmotherof2 posted 4/17/2013 16:26 PM

i'm curious to see the responses from your post as well. We are 3 1/2 years past A.. we R'd and things have been good up until about 5-6 weeks ago when my feelings started to change and I realize that I am a different person and I dont know if I want to be in the marriage any longer.. ((Hugs))

still2suspicious posted 4/17/2013 16:33 PM

Hurt, thanks for the hugs. Right back at ya!

I figure I (you, too) can't be the only one going thru this. KWIM??

phmh posted 4/17/2013 18:12 PM

There are people who divorce without an affair happening, which is what your situation rather seems like to me.

It's possible that after the healing and growth that you both presumably did in order to R, that you realized you were two different people and no longer compatible.

It doesn't seem that far-fetched to me.

I know for me, even if I had, in some way, been able to be 100% confident that he would never cheat again, divorce was still the best option for me, as the process of IC and MC made me look objectively at our relationship and realize that I'd been dismissing red flags and wearing rose-colored glasses for far too long.

torn2bits posted 4/17/2013 20:49 PM

I truly am glad to read this post as well.

I am technically 3 years past the A. Between him being out and in-house and me moving out, we have been separated for 3 yrs also.

I have now on the table him saying no D and trying different things. I just don't know.

We are very close to it being final.

ButterflyGirl posted 4/17/2013 20:54 PM

I feel like the A is pretty far down on the list of why I'm divorcing him. It's like the A just made it okay in God's eyes or something..

I always had lots of reasons, but I was always willing to work on it and wasn't gonna break my family up over it. But the A made me realize how bad things really were.. I should have left his sorry NPD butt long ago..

want_to_forgive posted 4/17/2013 23:30 PM

His A was in 2006. Although he lied for years, he was eventually remorseful and as honest as he was capable of being.

We just got divorced last month. For whatever reason, his fault or mine, we weren't able to be happy together. It was hard to make the final break, but I see a future in front of me that has the possibility of including love and happiness. I didn't see that when we were still together.

When I was with my IC this week and she asked me how I was doing, I was surprised to be able to honestly say I am good. She told me it is likely that I have been grieving the death of my M for years. The actual D was just a formality.

la433 posted 4/18/2013 01:28 AM

This does pose an interesting question. Would I consider R if EX-W approached me about getting back together?

I think I know how you feel.

still2suspicious posted 4/18/2013 11:11 AM

Thank you all for your responses.

I am just so lost.

It's not that we are not compatible. As long I don't do any "emotional questioning" we are still best friends. But I was so concentrated on getting all the A questions answered that I never really made him step up to the "repair our whole marraige" plate, (didn't have SI back then) He hates conflicts, admits he's not that much of deep thinker , and believes all is well now.

the problem is that he still (but will not admit it) blames me for the shitstorm with our DS. He now acknowledges that NW is really to blame, but would not see it at the time, so there is some residual crap there.

Also, we work together!! We live a hr away, so we drive in together. So we have very little time apart. He does not, and has not, really respected me at work. I have been a "nag" on this for years. He won't admit it and refuses to see it whenever it is brought up. We did MC, and he did step up to the plate there. He just hated it, so he stopped it after I stated I was 95% healed from the A.

I think I am just tired of this whole shit.

Nobody can make me laugh like he does. I love his kisses, and touch. UGH!!!!

I think I have just come to the conclusion that if we can't (he won't) talk about us, and work to get back on track, then I don't want to live just "on the surface".

But, I just turned 58 (yikes!!) and feel that at this point the chances of some one else wanting me would be slim-to-none. So maybe "surface" is as good as I'm gonna get.

Sorry for the rambling, just sad.

Williesmom posted 4/18/2013 11:34 AM


I tried to R for 2 years, but I won't say that we were Reconciled.

He was never willing to do the work, and apparently had just started the A again prior to my filing.

I didn't know about the renewed Affair when I filed, but I knew that something wasn't right. Whatever it was, I wasn't willing to give him 10 more minutes of my life to get his shit in order.

Once I committed to D, my life got a lot easier. I didn't second guess that decision at all. It was the first decision that I made for ME in a long time.

still2suspicious posted 4/18/2013 12:02 PM

I made for ME in a long time


This ^^ is what my BFF keeps telling me!

We have been together our whole lives, since HS! I don't know any other way. Either did he, but I guess he thought he deserved to find out?

We have been thru so much I just don't get how NOW is when I feel myself on the edge. Well, I think maybe I do know why. He likes thing simple, and no matter how many times I tried to tell him (I've given up) on how I feel he would pull in his turtle head and hide!

It's just gonna be so complicated to extract myself from it all that I just cannot force myself to take the first step!!

WTF is wrong with me?????

ButterflyGirl posted 4/18/2013 12:38 PM

As long I don't do any "emotional questioning" we are still best friends.

Isn't talking about emotions and helping each other what best friends are for?? Otherwise I would just call them "friends" or "acquaintances." Seems like you are missing a big piece of the marriage puzzle.

And I don't think you are ever too old to start enjoying your life. You can always make new friends! And who knows? They may turn into something more! You deserve so much more than a "surface" relationship.

Maybe try taking that last pinkie out the door and see what happens. If he grabs both your feet back in, great. If not, you can start your search for the more you are looking for.

Lots of hugs to you.

Flythecoupe posted 4/18/2013 12:57 PM

I'd have to say ditto on Williesmom's post.
My X just went to being a different person. She was so consumed in herself it was crazy. I tried to save marriage, but since then I've found out that there are MUCH better people out there for us(kids and I). When someone is so selfish to put themselves before their kids, I realize there is no use for them in my life. If she had quit and was truly sorry.......yes it might have worked out. Did she quit and was Was I the best husband though? obviously not. So, take it for what it's worth.

still2suspicious posted 4/18/2013 14:23 PM

Butterfly- you are right. best friends are for emotional talking. Our MC told me (as have most of my GF's) that men and women are just wired differently! DUH!! I get tired of trying to talk about it too, but it's b/c he is just not willing to meet me half-way, I think? And I am the one with all the friends!! He will be left out in the cold if I leave. Although he does know this, as when I left him before he was stuck out there all by himself!! Smart married men DO NOT piss off their wives about which spouse they get in the D!!

FTC-the thing is he tells me he has no complaints about me (HAHAHA) EXCEPT when I want to have "deep discussions". Hell yes, I want to be back on track, not straddling the damn tracks!!

I wish some one would predict the future, tell me what to do, and then do it for me!!

gek9742000 posted 4/19/2013 21:40 PM

I did it a little backward from your question. In 2007 we got divorced. WS sobered up and wanted reconcilliation several months later. We did. It was great. I got past the affair. I got a sober husband who actually spent time as a family. But here it is 2013 and WH fell off the wagon is a drunk all over again and just found out about affair #2 last week. Wish I would have stayed divorced the first time.

Ashland13 posted 4/20/2013 21:01 PM

That's what my STBXH wanted, no emotions from myself or DD whatsoever. He grew up in a family where they hid when they got emotional, believing that they were protecting their mother after their father died when they were all kids (STBXH was 10 when his father died).

Sometimes the emotional things could be avoided and ironically, it was his hiding the truth about problems from me that often led to emotion, largely from surprise in a not good way.

He grew up hiding himsef from his family and friends, who he truly is and now he says that "with OW, I can be who I want and I couldn't with you!", but I can't imagine who this is.

My parents divorced but there was no cheating that was ever found. My father was suspicious, but he is that by nature. They became incompatible as his nerves over money and child-rearing got big and he didn't get help and she grew so she couldn't bear it. She told me once that she was actually afraid of my father's anger, the few times it came.

I think that truly, truly getting past the A takes a really amazing person and while I know many who move on, I don't know many who get past it. They tell me it just gets smaller and less important in their minds, as time and circumstances change.

still2suspicious posted 4/20/2013 21:35 PM


The thing is that I feel healed, except for the unexpected triggers. I don't have any questions to ask, or info to find out.

He is fine if I talk emotion about any one other than himself! He was never taught to let any of his family know if he was upset, they all were. But, holy moly, he's been with me for over 40 yrs. I'm Italian for goodness sakes! You'd think he would have learned something from me

I think I am just so tired from telling him how I feel, how I feel disrespected at work, and it goes in one ear and out the other. Actually after all this time I don't think it even gets into his first ear

I made a call to a banker yesterday! I've had her number for months. I will meet with her, and see how it goes. I need to be sure I will be financially OK in the end.

My heart is breaking into a million pieces

wonderingbull posted 4/21/2013 12:35 PM

You referenced that you're 58 y.o. and that brings up some fear...

Well, my SO is 63 and got divorced three years ago... She and I have talked about what it was like for her... There was no infidelity but her exH was and is verbally and emotionally abusive... Distant doesn't even describe him either...

Her biggest hurdle was actually doing more than just going to work and going home alone...

Don't believe for a minute there aren't men out there that will enjoy your company and companionship... I know my SO didn't believe it but we're now working on our 9th month together and are having the time of lives...


still2suspicious posted 4/24/2013 15:53 PM


You are right about the fear.

But I have been asking myself this question all week: Am I afraid of being alone, or am I afraid HE will be so glad to be w/o me?? I don't think I'd be afraid b/c after all this shit it could be heaven! But in a sick twisted way I want to cry when I think of him with someone else!

At this point he is making the decision easier for me (unbeknownst to him). Another "talk" another dismissal.

So today I am sending my financials to the banker lady!!!

newnormal posted 4/24/2013 16:54 PM

Raises hand, almost 6 years past dday. We worked hard on boundaries, foo and ownership of the marriage. We traveled and spent time together. I was a mess for several years, then upgraded to limbo. I started IC again and with a sermon on adultery, it hit me. He is always going to blame me for his A. If forced to pick between defending himself or comforting me, he's always going to pick him. Im done.

Why did it take that long? Because I was hurt that bad and that I believed in us. Note that I said I. You can't make someone change, they have to want to. My advice to JFO is 6 months, no more. If you are not close to full R - move along.

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