SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

karissa posted 4/17/2013 16:05 PM

On October 7, 2012, I learned that my H (of almost 15 years) was having an affair that had lasted 5 years and 8 months. (Yes, I was suspicious during that time but each time I asked, he denied any affair until I came across irrefutable evidence on October 7.) The affair ended that night and we have been to counseling. (The other woman knew all along that he was married. She pursued him and he responded when we were in a rough time in our marriage. He obviously continued and told her that we were just together for the children. She treatened suicide if he left her. The affair could have jeopardized his job, given that she was a subordinate.) I didn't know this forum existed until recently. Although things are going pretty well between us, better than for many years, I remain devastated and am wondering how I can trust him again. How can I feel safe when the person who is suppose to be closest to me could betray me so badly? We have 2 young children. My husband has apologized more than once and our therapist thinks we have made good progress. Let me note that my husband is very "married" to his work. We both adore our children and want to make our marriage stronger.I am just so, so hurt and angry. I am over 6 months inot this (192 days). Am I crazy to keep that exact of an account of the passage of time? Therapist says that all questions should only be asked in his presence to keep arguments from escalating. That made me feel stymied, especially since we sometimes can only get to counseling once per month. Thank you for listening/reading.

wanttogoforward posted 4/17/2013 16:42 PM

Welcome.... six months is really not that long into recovery. Afterall, his A was more than 51/2 years!
It will take a great deal of time to heal.... it is good you are in counseling... you will both likely need IC if you are not doing that.
I feel that he will need to make your marriage his priority- not his work. While work is certainly important it does not and should not replace the family unit. With 2 small kids you have a long road ahead.
With enough time, his total transparency, and counseling you will be able to rebuild the trust you so badly want. Most of us here have issues with that, and it takes time for him to 're- earn' that which has been shattered.
While the road will be long, it can be accomplished if you both are willing to work together to rebuild...

karissa posted 4/17/2013 18:12 PM

Thank you for your reply. I feel better having someone to "talk to" about this. We are not doing IC. We have a male therapist who is encouraging H to redefine himself outside of his job. I appreciate that but feel as though many of my basic questions have not been answered. I guess some of the details I didn't need to know but wanted to know in the first few months. I was just trying to wrap my head around the whole thing. Again, thank you. This forum helps me feel less alone and "on" (acting as though all is well0. I know that sounds ridiculous.

PanicAttack53 posted 4/17/2013 19:21 PM

((((karissa))))

First and foremost I'm so sorry your are here. Second, I know this sounds like an oxymoron but I'm glad you found us. I wanted to take your original post step by step so please bear with me.

Although things are going pretty well between us, better than for many years, I remain devastated and am wondering how I can trust him again.

This is very normal and the not so pretty answer is that you won't trust him again for a very long time. Your life (or the one you thought you had) has come crashing down around you. That's a horrible shock for anyone to endure. When you put young kids into the mix, it's even worse because now you're not only having to deal with your pain and hurt, but also the fear of abandonment for them. It takes on average between 2-5 years to recover from infidelity. You can't rush the process in any way so please don't try as it will only cause you additional suffering and pain.

better than for many years

I broke this part of your sentence out because you need to understand a few things at this stage. I'm assuming (and may be completely wrong) that by "better" you also mean intimacy. There is a phenomenon in infidelity that is known as HB (Hysterical Bonding). Basically it's a period of hyper sexuality between the BS & WS that can happen at any time, but mostly does from 1-6 months out from d-day. HB can last anywhere from 1 week to a year depending on the couple and their circumstances. I just wanted you to be aware of it. BTW, should you want more info on HB, you can find it here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ10

How can I feel safe when the person who is suppose to be closest to me could betray me so badly?

Again I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but the truth is you won't feel safe until you begin to heal. Again, that can take from 2-5 years. The reason is that your safety net was shredded when your WH decided to cheat. Additionally he did that for 5-1/2 years which is known here as an LTA (Long Term Affair). LTA's are a special breed of infidelity and brings with it all sorts of additional hurtles for the BS to climb before they can heal. Hate to say it, but it will most likely be a long time before you feel completely safe with him again. BTW, there is a special forum here on SI specifically for LTA's. You can find it here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=488582

I am just so, so hurt and angry. I am over 6 months inot this (192 days). Am I crazy to keep that exact of an account of the passage of time?

This is very normal, especially being that you're only 6 months out. That may seem like a long time but it isn't. More so because you really haven't had a support system (like SI) to understand better what is going on in your head. There is also something called the dreaded 6 month anger stage that almost all BS's go through. This means that you're anger may subside for a time after discovery, only to return (sometimes more aggressively) in 6 months. The bottom line is that you will experience a roller coaster of emotions as your brain works its way through this mess. Just try and hang on without falling off when this happens.

Therapist says that all questions should only be asked in his presence to keep arguments from escalating. That made me feel stymied, especially since we sometimes can only get to counseling once per month.

I am not a therapist, nor do I delude myself into thinking I know what they do. This however seems a little excessive to me. It places you in the untenable position of waiting in limbo between MC sessions. Please consider getting yourself into IC in addition to your MC. IC can be a God Send to you in bridging the gap between therapies.

Last but not least, please spend some time reading through the "Healing Library" here on SI. It can be found in the yellow box on the left side of every page here. The library has excellent materials to help you understand what is going on in your life right now. Additionally, please keep coming back and post often. You can never post too much here and there will always be someone willing and able to answer questions or just listen. Feel free to vent, rant, cry, scream etc... Trust me when I say that we've unfortunately heard it all.

Hang in there... You WILL survive this and it WILL get better with time.

((((karissa))))

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 7:27 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

cheerless posted 4/17/2013 22:42 PM

((((karissa)))) & strength

Sorry you have reason to be here, but it has been an incredible place to find support, wisdom and caring whenever you need it.

You're not alone on this crappy roller coaster.

Skan posted 4/18/2013 12:19 PM

(((hugs))) You're keeping the exact count is not crazy. I had a calendar and each and every day, in a heavy red pen, I would add a day to the count of DDay. For months and months. I finally started to miss a day here and there, once I started to feel less crazy each morning. I haven't marked it for about a month now, but now I have a countdown to my, in order, WHs first meeting with his ONS partner for coffee, his ONS night, my 21st wedding anniversary, DDay. Counting is common, I think, and a way for us to try to have some control over and process what's happened.

And honk. You can't possibly heal if you only talk about the elephant that is shitting all over your carpet each and every day once a month. You just can't. And someone who would say that has NO idea! Is it possible for you to go to your MC more frequently? We saw our MC and each of us an IC 1x a month each. And at that, there were weeks that we probably should have gone more often. If you're only going 1x a month, maybe the best thing that your MC could do for you at your next meeting would be to give you some "rules of engagement" on how to both of you express youself, listen, and what is justifiable anger vice abuse.

I'm so sorry that you have the reason to be here, but I am so glad that you found us for support. (((hugs))) Come back often, we're here for you.

karissa posted 4/18/2013 13:29 PM

Thank you all for the great advice and support. In the beginning I felt like I was drowning. I don't usually feel that way now - just sometimes numb and other times so upset I could cry or scream. The crazy thing is that after I found out on October 7, I had to start a new job teaching on Oct. 8. That and my children have kept me together. H says WH says he is sorry and he is more pleasant around me but still caught up in work. He leaves for a business meeting tomorrow and will have a cell phone for the first time in six months. I guess that all makes me crazy. I have tried, for the most part, to take the high road in all of this. Even calmly calling the other woman on the night I found out. She cursed at me. In the beginning, I so appreciated MC. The therapist wanted husband to make big changes to his work life. However, with the clamp put on discussing the affair outside of the therapist's office, I feel stymied because my questions must wait. I think that is complete bull. WH really likes the therapist (of course!).AGain, thank you, thank you, thank you. Wish I had found this site months ago.

PanicAttack53 posted 4/18/2013 17:34 PM

I have tried, for the most part, to take the high road in all of this.

Trust me when I say there is NO "high road" in all this. Excuse my language but infidelity is a dirty, filthy shitty mess.

And may I ask why "you" would want to take the high road here? "You" did nothing wrong here karissa. I hope by "taking the high road" you don't mean choking down how you are feeling about this to WH. If that's it.... Please do not do it! You have every right to feel any damn way you want. It's not your job to make this situation easier for WH. That my dear is a recipe for disaster.

kansas1968 posted 4/18/2013 21:01 PM

I am also going to have to disagree with your therapist. You should be able to ask questions when you need to ask them. A long term affair takes a long time to recover from and talking to each other honestly is one of the best paths to healing. So, so, sorry you are having to deal with this. The pain is sometimes unbearable, but this is a great place for you to be. Hugs.

heforgotme posted 4/19/2013 06:33 AM

Therapist says that all questions should only be asked in his presence to keep arguments from escalating. That made me feel stymied, especially since we sometimes can only get to counseling once per month.[/quote

Not only do I think this in incorrect, it's also impractical. How are you supposed to fit every thought, feeling, or frustration that you feel in entire month into ONE counseling session???

WH and I talk about this 10-12 times a month. For HOURS. And we would probably talk more, but he constantly travels for work.

And I will also say that although MC has been a very good thing, we've made some of our biggest breakthroughs with our talks.

I think you should be able to talk about this whenever you need to. I can't imagine trying to squash everything down until the next MC session.

Hugs and good luck.

karissa posted 4/20/2013 01:26 AM

I appreciate all of you writing. I just can't seem to wrap my head around all of this, no matter how hard I try. Sometimes, I think for a couple of days that I am making strides and then I just feel like the world in crashing in on me. I appreciate your help. I need to get into IC. Also, could someone try to give me the live link to the LTA foum mentioned earlier? I think the length of WH's A is particularly driving me crazy because I feel like there must be issues (residual feelings for the OW) that haven't really been dealt with in MC. Thank you so, so much!

PanicAttack53 posted 4/20/2013 03:53 AM

The LTA forum can be found here:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=488582

Just copy and paste the above in your browser's address bar.

Hmmm, I just thought of something. I'm not sure if there is a post# requirement to access that forum.

Mods, could you help with this please?

[This message edited by PanicAttack53 at 3:55 AM, April 20th (Saturday)]

TrustGone posted 4/20/2013 04:48 AM

Go down to the I Can Relate forum and click on it. You will see the LTA forum in that category. Not sure I am using the correct verbage, but that's how I do it. (((HUGS)))

Laura28 posted 4/20/2013 05:27 AM

Karissa

Go down to LTA honey. They will help you.

Iwam, Njgal, Ats, M33, Nell, Honest, UKgal all old hands who really do understand LTAs. Whatever you feel, whatever you fear, they know.

Seek their advice. Listen to them honey.

They will help you. They will help you stay sane.

HUGS

Laura

karissa posted 4/21/2013 13:43 PM

First of all, many, many thanks for all of your posts. I am already learning so much and feel less alone on this unending, unhappy ride. However, I a read through others' posts, I am amazed at how many people are walking around in the population in this pain. It is like feeling the trap door on the universe has been pulled from under you and you are free falling into an abyss. Incredible to think that things get done in the world each day with so many of us going through this hell.
I have learned that I am not crazy for having yet another round of depression at 6 months from Dday. Since I have picked up that this is normal, I guess that is some sort of relief. I just can't help but wonder if I am unable to actually move completely through the beginning stage becase I have so many questions that have gone unanswered from the beginning. My husband clearly wants to put this behind him and not be reminded. I want the repsect of being held and heard and answered. I still have not been able to access the LTA group. If a moderator could help me with that, I would appreciate it. I think all afaairs just cut the BS to the core. Knowing that my WH was with another woman for 5 2/3 years just kills me. It makes every moment together and with our kids in almost 6 years feel like a lie.

Theradin posted 4/21/2013 15:43 PM

So sorry to hear your struggles. It must be incredibly rough for you.

My situation is somewhat similar to yours, in a way. My WW had her first affair only six months into our marriage (we've been married almost 8 years), and I had NO idea, literally NO idea whatsoever, until 6 1/2 years later! Of course, I found out about this 6-year-old affair once I found out about the other affair that started last September.

The difference between our situations is that the OM was not devastated when my WW broke it off with him and started TRUE NC. Likely, because he had been royally using her all along, and was just riding the gravy train as long as he could. Once she broke it off with him, he made a couple efforts to immediately text and email her, but then simply moved on to find another committed woman he could siphon (he likes women who he doesn't have to commit to, who will literally fly out to see him (or fly him out to see them!), bang them a few times, and then send them on their way). So when you add the element of the OW threatening suicide and STILL working with your WH, that makes it MUCH more complicated..!

Honestly, if I was in that situation, I don't think I could tolerate my WS working with their fAP (presuming it is truly "in the past", you never know, ya know?). So, if you feel the same, and he is serious about R, then maybe he needs to get his priorities straight (what's more important: his wife or his job?)...

Keep working on yourself and being fully 'there' for your children. They need you now more than ever, especially with a cheating spouse, they are already being deprived of full emotional support from the WS.

Be strong. Follow your heart.