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Sent my Wayward Ex-Fiance a picture of our son and another man

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BrighterFuture posted 4/17/2013 21:33 PM

Since my wayward fiance moved out at the end of February, he hasn't seen our son. He tried to see him one time, I waited but then he cancelled visitation on the same day he was supposed to see him. This upset me so much because I want my son to spend time with his dad. Then again this week, he said he wanted to see him, but did not confirm with me that he was going to see him for sure, since he had cancelled on me before, I didn't notify the daycare and when he got there they didn't let him in. He blamed me for it, saying I'm trying to stop him from seeing his son which is not true. I told him he needs to take his son atleast two times a week, he however doesn't want to do this. He wants to do whatever he feels like whenever without enough advance notice. So, today, a male classmate and a friend came over to my apartment to work on our group assignment which is due tomorrow. I took a picture of him and my son and sent it to my ex-fiance. The words that accompanied that picture said, "we are moving on" The classmate is handsome, but we have nothing except classmate relationship but I thought that was my moment to inflict a little pain on him. Was it right what I did?

Btw: We had exchanged bitter texts prior to me sending the picture.

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 8:53 AM, April 18th (Thursday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 4/17/2013 21:43 PM

No. Don't do that ever again.

As to the schedule issue: send your WF an email that tells him that your son needs to have a relationship with his father, but it is also important for the child to have a regularly scheduled routine. Ask if he can commit to 1 or 2 defined times a week or EOW.

If he won't do that, then that's okay. Tell him that he needs to let you know by Sunday if he intends to see your son that week.

If he still fights you on it, remind him that last-minute changes are really difficult for a child to deal with. Schedules and routine are important so that the child can grow up to feel *safe*.

Is he paying you child support?

simplydevastated posted 4/17/2013 21:47 PM

That may instigate an argument, IMHO.

I know you're upset that he's not spending time with your son, and rightfully so. I understand that pain and anger. I have two children and my husband hardly spends them. Most of the times i have to come up with ideas. It's not fair to the children.

Maybe you can try to sit down with him and work out a schedule on writing, that way he can't (well hopefully) say you're trying to keep you child away from him again. If you don't want to get the courts involved, maybe you could have something notarized first. Then if it goes to court you have something that you can hand over and say "see, i tried." Just an idea.

Good luck.

BrighterFuture posted 4/17/2013 21:51 PM

Yeah, he paid child support but the only problem is the visitation part which has frustrated me a lot. I'm pregnant and I just wanted to create an impression that somebody wants me too. It was wrong of me to do but I felt a little better, and I don't intend to do it again.

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 9:53 PM, April 17th (Wednesday)]

Kajem posted 4/17/2013 21:53 PM

Don't do that unless you want him to do it also. It puts your son in the very awkward place of being an arrow used to hurt the other parent.

Your son has feelings, don't use him like that to inflict pain on your X.


gonnabe2016 posted 4/17/2013 22:11 PM

Ok, VHB. I'm going to be very blunt with you because I've read your profile since I first posted to you.

Get a grip on yourself. Seriously.

You have a very tumultuous relationship with your WF, as evidenced by the night that he spent in jail. Do you want some *innocent* person to end up like the waiter that returned Nicole Simpson's sunglasses to her???? Use your head, lady.

If the judge ordered NC with your WF, then why are you in contact with him right now? And how are arrangements to see your child supposed to be made?

Find out how and start the process to get *official* child support.

You have a lot of separate issues going on and you need to *keep* them separate. He needs to provide $ for his child. There needs to be a plan in place for him to see his child. And then there's the whole shitstorm issue of his betrayal issue. NONE of those are *linked*....which is why I told you to use your head.

What, exactly, is the visitation issue? Think about this before you answer. Separate out the emotion and spite. What do you want for your child? What do you want your WF to actually DO, as opposed to the general *I want him to care more for his child than himself*....because you have no control over that part.

I'm really, really sorry that you have to deal with this. Men that cheat on the women that are pregnant with their child are the lowest form of life on this Earth. I understand your *lashing out* at him, I do. But right now, you need to keep yourself *golden*. Don't do anything that can be used against you.

Take care of you, your child, and the bun in the oven.

BrighterFuture posted 4/17/2013 22:55 PM

gonnabe2016; To answer your question, the no contact order from the judge is nolonger in effect. If you've been following my posts, you'd have seen that. Also, like I said, I expect him to be with his son twice a week atleast and give me advance notice prior to that. I find your comments rather harsh and very judgemental.

rumorhasit posted 4/17/2013 23:42 PM


You are in such a rough place right now! I just wanted to say that I understand.

When I was pregnant with my son his father and I were not together, but he said he wanted to be supportive. Then he left an ultra sound to sit in the waiting room and text some girl from another state he'd met on FB. I always initiated contact with him, he never asked how I was. Then the kicker- I found out that he'd planned to go out of state to visit this girl the same weekend as the due date. He didn't, but only because she changed her mind. He made sure I knew that. Even though we weren't together, I felt like nothing. He found out I was being induced from someone else. He was there for the birth and every day we were in the hospital. And he's been a great dad. We eventually tried being together... well, now I'm here.

What I'm trying to say is hormones are a bitch in the best of situations. Take care of yourself and your little boy. What he needs most is stability and a happy home.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/17/2013 23:49 PM

Nope. I hadn't read all 37 of your previous posts. But I've now read all of the ones that are available. It's just a teensy bit unrealistic to expect that the people that respond to you are going to know every single nuance of your situation. That is why I asked my question about the NC that was ordered by a judge which is referenced in your profile. In all of your responses that I just now read, there was *one* short reference to the NC order being lifted. The NC that was ordered by the judge is in your profile....the *lifting* of that NC order isn't.

I am not a *touchy-feely*, *rah-rah* poster. I am practical.

You can have all of the *expectations* of your WF that you want to have....but that doesn't mean that it's going to happen. And if it doesn't happen in the way that you *expect*, then you need to deal with that in a manner that is not going to *look bad* on you if/when you find yourself in Family Court.

I apologize if my posts came across as harsh and judgmental. My intent is not to cause you any more upset than you are feeling right now. I was attempting to lay out a plan for you to deal with your situation in the most effective and efficient manner.

I'll bow out now. Good luck to you.

Dark Inertia posted 4/18/2013 02:15 AM

In all honesty my first thought was that it was immature, but a brilliant way of involving your son and some hapless fellow in the middle of all the drama.

But if it made you feel better who am I to judge.

To answer your original question, no, it was not right. It sounds like you already know that it wasn't right and you are looking for validation of what you did.

Obviously, we all have our fumbles. Learn from the mistakes and move on.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 2:16 AM, April 18th (Thursday)]

summerain posted 4/18/2013 03:33 AM

This must be an absolutely heartbreaking time for you. I am so sorry for the pain you are in. In regards to the text, I don't think it was wise but essentially you are in a horrific situation so I think it was understandable.

homewrecked2011 posted 4/18/2013 04:11 AM

This is the exact time to go NC. He won't turn around yet, but he will probably lash out to you in other ways ---having a gf around your son. CHILL OUT! If you can be really calm, he will see he's not getting to you. It will make him even madder. But then, when he sees you are committed to being strong and calm for your children it will have an impact on him. It might take about 6 months, tho, but be strong for your children.

Find them role models besides your husband so they can see a man treating you respectfully.

Early on, my friends got thru to me, they said, you REALLY don't want your chldren around him because he is toxic. They said to stick to scheduled visitation (in your case, i agree, he needs to give you notice by sunday). Please jot down on a calendar when he gets your son for visitation. THe less the better in the eyes of court. Your WF may get a new GF and she might convince him to try for custody. If you can document to the court the exact dates he visited your child he won't have a prayer in court.

NC NC NC now! It's the perfect time bc now he is wondering about you. He will be really mean for a while, but hold your ground by being calm.

Catwoman posted 4/18/2013 04:31 AM

Absolutely, positively the wrong thing to do.

Part of detaching is ceasing this sort of behavior. Yes, it is very human to want to do it, but rising above it is the right thing to do.

We have a saying here: Don't pet the drama llama. In other words, don't stir the shit. If things do go to court, you want to be seen as the sensible one.

Additionally, you are involving your child in your drama by doing things of this nature. That is terribly unfair to him.

I think you need to have a visitation schedule. Children need predictability and structure. I would write a letter outlining this:

Dear XF:

It is in the best interests of (child) to have a predictable and regular visitation schedule with you. To further that, I would propose that you see (child) on (days) at (times). If for some reason you cannot keep that schedule, I would like for you to notify me by Sunday at 6 p.m. for the week ahead (or earlier, if possible).

That's it. All business. No baiting, no snide remarks, nothing. Stop engaging. If conversations turn personal and attacking, just walk away.

You have to deal with this person for at least the next 18 years (I assume the child you are carrying is his), so now is the time to approach it with professionalism and dignity.


BrighterFuture posted 4/18/2013 06:34 AM

I appreciate your comments. Obviously, you're all classier than I am. Like I said, it was the first time I did this and I don't intend to do it again. I know I involved innocent people in this, but at the time it looked like a harmless deed meant to prove a point. I absolutely want no drama, and I've tried to work out the situation outside court. Visitation is a big deal to me because I'm in school and I need days that I can be childfree to work on my projects. Also, I can't take my son to fulltime daycare because it will cost more and I'm not working neither do I have the money. I will accept and learn from my mistake.

BrighterFuture posted 4/18/2013 06:45 AM

I forgot to mention that he's a nurse so a regular schedule maybe impossible to achieve. That's why I need communication so I can know in advance since his schedule keeps changing.

ninebark posted 4/18/2013 06:51 AM

It is so frustrating when your ex doesn't spend the time you think they should with your child.

However and this is just my own opinon, that relationship is up to your ex not you. If he doesn't want to spend the time with his child, he will come to regret that years from now when you child is old enough to realize their dad is a jerk who doesn't spend time with them and in turn no longer wants to spend time with dad.

You have every right to request scheudled visitation times, it is infact a part fo my separation agreement. Everyone has lives and you can't be expected to drop everything or change plans on a moments notice. I agree that a very calm and professional note like Catwoman has proposed is in order.

Sometimes we have to put our anger and frustration aside and take the high road for the sake of our kids. Please don't give into the urge to antagonize him or hurt him again as it could in turn end up affecting your child.

I say all this with compassion and not to be hurtful, I too know what it is like to be frustrated with an ex who doesn't put their child first. ((hugs))

ninebark posted 4/18/2013 06:53 AM

I just read your note about him being a nurse. Well there is no reason he cannot contact you at the first of each week when he gets his schedule adn work out a visitation for that week.

My ex is only home 1 week out of the month, but he still manages to call me and work out what he would like to do for visitations during that week, giving me lots of notice.

SBB posted 4/18/2013 07:11 AM

I agree with those saying this isn't a good thing.

Don't feed the Drama Llama.

Doing spiteful things tells him he is still important to you. You need to start making him insignificant.

It also derails your healing - being in this nasty place. It may hurt him - I don't give a rats about that - but its not worth hurting yourself for.

You can't make him be a father. He can't just do what he likes and expect you to accommodate. You're absolutely right about that.

You can work with him to come up with an arrangement that 'works' for both of you. If it can't be specific days in a cycle then try to think about what might work. X days notice. X many days per week/month. Once its set you stick to it unless or until he comes up with a suggestion that works for you and your son.

Stop communicating with him. Read up on NC in the healing library and why its so important. I've done the bitter texts and it just kept me down in that black pit of despair.

It took a lot of willpower to stop and I still fall off the wagon sometimes but not to the extend of the early days. The wife in me is indifferent - I'm working on getting to indifference from a co-parenting perspective.

I know you're hurting friend. We've all been there - I promise you're not alone. And absolutely nowhere near as alone as you feel.

Don't do things that change who you are - things that make you hate yourself. You're better than that. Be better than that.

It will be to your benefit and to your son's too. In time you won't feel like you're in the fire. Soon you'll be warming your hands near it, then you won't need the fire because you'll have sunshine on your shoulders again.

((VeryHurtbroken)) Be gentle with yourself. You're still very raw - I promise it won't feel this way forever. You can heal from this. You will recover. You won't always feel like this.

curiouswiz posted 4/18/2013 07:19 AM

I'm so sorry for the pain and I can imagine what it is. I had both of my children out of wedlock. 10 years apart. Completely abandoned. Not even family support. I know how scary it is.

My biggest concern here is the other guy. Did he agree to this? Was he aware of your motive? What happens if WF confronts him? Is the other guy ready to deal with that?

YOU need to be calm, cool and collected for the babies and especially for the court to see you loving those babies. No more games honey. Play fair for yourself, not him, you and the babies first.

BrighterFuture posted 4/18/2013 07:54 AM

I told the other guy what I did and apologized for it. I sent my ex-fiance this text after the incident in which he was denied access at the daycare, and I don't intend to send anymore notes as far as this issue is concerned. This is exactly what I wrote to him;

"Communication is key. Communicate clearly the days and times you'd like to see your son. Last minute or cancelled visitations will not work for me because I'm a very busy person. I'm sure you know in advance your off days. You should try to be with your son atleast 2 times a week. I do not gain anything when you don't see your son. In fact, I encourage it for his development. We do not have to meet for you to see him. We can use a public place such as the library or daycare where you can pick him up and bring him back."

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