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No such thing as a soul mate?

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Rya617 posted 4/17/2013 22:04 PM

I resent WH deeply for robbing me of the "fairy tale" love I felt. After learning of the A I have been working so hard to reconcile. I was pregnant while he was seeing OW. he broke it off a couple weeks before i found out. He says now that he loves me more than he ever has. I feel the opposite, I love him right now but I don't feel "in love" with him anymore. It has been 2 years, I was hoping to feel differently by now. Anyone else feel like this yet find a way to successfully reconcile?

Together 15 years, 7 years married
My age: 32
His age: 33
D-day: Dec 24, 2010
Kids: 2 daughters age 2 and 4

mepe27 posted 4/18/2013 08:53 AM

For the first few years after R I was grieving the loss of the marriage I thought I had. I thought I had that soul mate/fairytale thing and turns out I clearly did not! At first I was pissed, I felt like if we don't have that what do we have, some shitty marriage? Some meh marriage, if it's not soul mates, than it must be crap.

But I loved him still and he was working his butt off to help fix our marriage, I didn't want to throw it out if he was willing to work on it so I had to figure out what we had.

I cried and grieved and had to learn to redefine my feelings and beliefs. I struggled.

Eventually I learned to accept that we did not have a fairy tale marriage, we had problems besides his A and I was ignoring them or making excuses. The marriage we were creating after the A was more honest, more real, it had horrible times and authentically good times. I eventually began to look at reality as better than any fairytale. I changed my mind b/c I liked what my H and I were creating more than what I thought we had, which wasn't even real!!!

But I had to figure out how to let go of all those old beliefs. I don't believe in soul mates anymore and thats ok, I choose everyday to be with my H and everyday he chooses me and thats pretty awesome! it was a shift in my thinking that helped me be happy again.

hopingforhappy posted 4/18/2013 09:12 AM

I think the whole idea of "soulmates" and "fairytale marriage" does us all a disservice. It makes people think that a M can be successful just by being in it. I was a person who believed that and I now think it is just wrong. The only way a M will be successful is for both partners to work very hard at it. That "for better or worse" part of the M vows is no joke--too bad we don't understand that when we say those words. I didn't at least. I meant those words when I said them, I just didn't know what they really meant.

Rya617, you might not believe this right now, but in the long run, you will be so much better off without "fairy tale" love. It is flimsy and fluffy. It will take you a while, because it takes a long time to heal from infidelity. But let go of the idea of fairy tale love and embrace real life, hard core, gritty love. It is the kind that lasts. (But only if your WH is doing the work!)

libertyrocks posted 4/18/2013 09:56 AM

I'm only 5 months into it and wondering how I will be in a year or two from now. I have good days and bad days. They always start out great, with positive thinking, loving the kids before I go to work in the morning, phone calls and texts to WH saying how much we mean to one another. Then, bam, a trigger, it's all gone to shit. I can't even cry anymore. I just hurt. It's a dry kind of hurt now.

He still claims I'm his soulmate. Ha! In what universe is he in???

Yeah, soul mates is like the tooth fairy for me now.

Rya617 posted 4/18/2013 22:12 PM

Thank you so much for your responses. It's so great to hear that my feelings (which sometimes feel insane) are pretty common among BS. I am staying optimistic and taking it one day at a time. We are still going to therapy to learn how to communicate more effectively. I'm not giving up!
Good luck to all and remember that you are stronger for staying, don't let anyone convince you otherwise!

blakesteele posted 4/18/2013 22:39 PM

mepe27 said it best! I am just now starting to get the courage up to really look at what I am mourning...and it is tough! My marriage pre-A was not perfect...we were happy, but really just kind of floating along.

I am quickly learning that marriage success comes from intentionality....purposeful interactions.

I am also starting to learn that looking backwards with any sort of accuracy is next to impossible now. Our vantage points have changed soo much.

Dang this is painful...but it is real. One of my goals is to keep it real into the future.

God be with us all.

Rebreather posted 4/19/2013 00:24 AM

I have never believed in soulmates or the fairy tale.

Today! Staring at my 6 year anniversary? I think soulmates are MADE, not found. My husband is more my soulmate today than ever before. It is hard for many to let go that fantasy. But I personally don't believe such a thing exists.

RidingHealingRd posted 4/19/2013 01:23 AM

This may interest you:

Much like what Rebreather said: Soulmates are made.

You don't just meet a "soulmate" and live happily ever after, like the myth that we all would prefer to believe says. Instead, I have observed that real world soulmates become that by growing together in certain ways and working through challenges successfully

GraceisGood posted 4/19/2013 09:58 AM

working through challenges successfully

Going to hell and back TOGETHER is one building that soul mate connection IMO.

The baring of each others whole being, the shadow as well as the light and coming to accept ALL of each other is another.

There is not one road, but many, and the more you travel down together the deeper the connection IMO.


Almost12Years posted 4/19/2013 10:16 AM

Like so many others, I too saw my fWH as my prince charming and was completely blindsided when he confessed his A - I never in a million years thought he'd do something like that. I recently read a book that talks about this very subject, it's called "Goodbye Prince Charming : The Journey Back from Disenchantment: Creating the marriage you've always wanted from the ashes of storybook romance" You can find it on Amazon here:

I encourage you to give it a shot - it really helped to see how many unrealistic expectations I was putting on my fWH. HTH!

27yearsnowlost posted 4/19/2013 11:28 AM

I alway thought that my WH was my soul mate, but now....I don't know???

RockyMtn posted 4/19/2013 16:27 PM

I am quickly learning that marriage success comes from intentionality....purposeful interactions.

I think soulmates are MADE, not found.

Both of these ^^

I think being a soulmate or "love of my life" is a choice on both partner's part. We either act like a soulmate or we don't. In acting like a soulmate/love of our spouse's life - that's where actually feeling those things come from.

Every time I read that someone was pregnant during the affair, I want to lash out at the WS. That does feel like a whole 'nother level of "robbing." Pregnancy was such a romantic/bonding time for me. I am really sorry.

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