SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Surfnread posted 4/17/2013 23:30 PM

34 days ago we went through with the procedure, found out that four days later she slept with my friend neighbor who I have been friends with for many years. Her alcohol and adderall abuse were way out of line and she blames me for not wanting the child. I am filled with so many emotions, anger jealousy frustration betrayal, you name it. She had broken up with me the day before with a bunch of excuses, but I now see it was just guilt for having cheated on me. We have only been together for nine months, but we have known each other for a few years. She was always more promiscuous with her partner choices than I have been, which I was always uncomfortable with. In her defense we got in a big fight the night of the first occurance and I sat at home miserable while she went and sought comfort elsewhere. She always had substance abuse issues far exceeding my own, but when we decided to go through with the procedure she went overboard pushing me away. After DD she came back to me a few days later and I took her back immediately with a few promises and sorrys. A week later she was in rehab and has been since. I am very confused because she is saying the right things to keep me in her life but I don't know how to get across to her that the entire situation is different and she will have to work hard to earn my trust back. In short I am so confused about the situation and her being away right after DD sucks really bad because I have all of these issues that she isn't comfortable answering because of her lack of privacy in rehab. My dilemma is multi natured and I wonder if I can ever forgive her because after DD she acted like a total bitch and then I feel like I have sort of bad to prompt her into telling me the things I need to know. Do I keep prying for details or leave it alone until she is out? Some days are better than others whe some are absolutely awfu ( today for instance ) any advice is welcome

gonnabe2016 posted 4/18/2013 00:07 AM

First off. She's in rehab. Lay off for now and let her do her *rehab* work.

Secondly. I'm having a problem figuring out the *timeline* of all of these events.

She had an abortion.
She had sex with neighbor/friend 4 days later (which seems really *unsafe* to me)
When was your Dday? Is your Dday related to the sex that she had with your neighbor? How did you find out?
You mention a fight on the night of the *first* occurrence. The first occurrence of what?

Are you here because your WGF's first instance of cheating was with your neighbor, four days after she had an abortion?

Surfnread posted 4/18/2013 00:35 AM

DD was march 29th. Abortion was the twelfth. First encounter was on the 16th, yes it is unsafe you are supposed to wait a week minimum. We had sex on the 22nd but it just wasn't right. She broke up with me on the twenty eighth and from a tip from a fellow neighbor the night after i went and knocked on the door, realized she was up there and physically assaulted my friend, meanwhile she is yelling about how this is none of my business. Dd was Saturday march 29th, and from what I understand they had four encounters, the first, the one I caught them in, and two in between when I was sleeping at a friends house to avoid her coming home wasted after getting in a fight with her. Sorry the first occurance of he affair. She would go upstairs if we got a fight the preceding month or two and complain about me being crazy etc. and I had asked my "friend" about it and he assured me that he would never make a move on her or anything and I believed him. She also expressed disgust of him in many ways before these occurances. I feel like she kooked out really hard about the abortion and didn't know how to deal with it. I am here to get some insight as to whether this is forgivable or not, because I feel like someone that respects me would never do what she did or lie to me like that. Where to go from here?

Surfnread posted 4/18/2013 00:39 AM

She came back to me on the 2nd and checked into rehab that Saturday, been there since but I an having a hard time forgiving her without having her here to talk to in person . I feel she is making the necessary changes ( rehab, counseling) to keep it going and she has expressed regret and remorse but my friends all tell me to turn tail and never look back but my heart says just the opposite, and she seems to be the only one that can make me feel any better ( we talk several times daily on the phone ). Other than that the doctor gave me Valium which helps because sometimes I for the first time and experiencing real anxiety and stress. Are my friends right?

gonnabe2016 posted 4/18/2013 00:44 AM

What did the fellow neighbor say to *tip* you off?

The first time that you *caught* her was when that neighbor tipped you off on 3/28? And so she has been with the guy 4 (or maybe 3) times since then?

Bear with my questions....I have a point and I'm not just trying to be a pain in the ass...

gonnabe2016 posted 4/18/2013 00:47 AM

Oh also....she *broke up* with you the day before. But the day before *what*? The abortion, you catching her out at neighbor's house?

eta: Don't worry about *forgiveness* right now....

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 12:48 AM, April 18th (Thursday)]

Surfnread posted 4/18/2013 00:51 AM

I had a few friends over, including the OG upstairs as fucked as that is. Neighbor came over and said he saw her going ( sneaking ) upstairs. Everyone left but other neighbor and i and I sat there thinking about it for an hour or two then went up there and BAM her yelling saying she's calling the cops and the first thing he said when he opened the bedroom door was " dude it's not like this shit was going on when you guys were together" yeah sure bud. She broke up with me on the 28th two days after our first big heart to heart night in too long where I felt a huge rejuvenation in the relationship. Breakup was 28th Dd was 29th. She says she just wanted to hurt me and I can give he some leniency because of the abortion and all the adderall and alcohol but him saying he didn know we were still together is horseshit, I've known this guy over ten years he should have walked downstairs and asked me what was going on or something.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/18/2013 01:14 AM

Surf....my gut is telling me that there was something *going on* prior to your discovery. Now, granted, I don't have the messed-up thought processes of a WS, but it just seems HIGHLY unlikely that 4 days after undergoing an abortion, a person is going to have first-time sex with someone. Isn't there residual bleeding and other *not-so-fun* female issues to deal with post-abortion? Is a person *really* going to allow some *new* guy to experience all of *that* female fun???

The unfortunate fall-out of all of this betrayal business is that you find out that some people are just *not so* nice.

I discovered Sultan's *secret* life when I innocently used his laptop to send an email to one of my friends. The email browser that I opened went to an email that I didn't recognize and I was too stunned to really *understand* what I was seeing before he ripped the laptop from my hands. I remember that I just calmly got up (after he removed the laptop from me) and went to the kitchen sink to clean up the remnants from the day. I had said NOTHING to him other than "Sultan, what is this?" at that point. He came around the corner and said "I don't have a girlfriend."

What an utter lie that was.

Anyhow. Your neighbor's response reminded me of that. I'm just not *buying* the story that they are selling.

IMHO...I would cut bait with your GF. You have zero time (in the grand scheme, anyway) invested in her and she's already proven that she's got a real mean streak in her. My gut says to tell you to avoid the life-long drama that your WGF is going to bring into your life....

But. You can kick around and wait until she finishes rehab and see which WGF you are dealing with. You'll be able to tell fairly quickly whether she is seriously working on her issues or not.

m334455 posted 4/18/2013 01:26 AM

gonna is spot on, she's more trouble than she's worth unless you want to ride the drama llama. If you like crazy chicks, well, I think you've got a nice taste now of how it really goes when you've got one.

hummingbird8 posted 4/18/2013 07:01 AM

By your timeline you two were broken up prior to her being with the other guy? That's not cheating. Now if you have proof something happened before the breakup.

Also did she want the abortion or is this something she felt pressured to get?

la433 posted 4/18/2013 07:12 AM

Does anyone else here find this bizarre? Run, Forrest, Run!!!

Sorry if I sound harsh. It sounds like you have feelings for her. But sad to say, she doesn't appear to have the same for you. Plus as others have alluded to, namely her violent streak, you have a real bat shit crazy woman there my friend.

Have you ever wondered if you deserve better?

Lucky2HaveMe posted 4/18/2013 07:19 AM

She always had substance abuse issues far exceeding my own,

Are YOU in rehab? You can't expect to R with someone out of rehab if you yourself are mixed up with substance abuse.

This sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. I think you both need to get healthy alone before you try to make a healthy relationship together.

And if you were broken up, I don't really see it as cheating. I can understand it hurts, but I wouldn't quite call it an A.

Maybe you are leaving too much out of the story because as it's reads, it just doesn't make sense to me.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 4/18/2013 07:21 AM

she seems to be the only one that can make me feel any better ( we talk several times daily on the phone )

Are you 100% sure she is in rehab? My only experience is with my brother and he was not allowed outside contact/phone calls/etc. the first week and then after than only sparingly. It surprises me that she would have access to phone you several times/day.

Surfnread posted 4/18/2013 07:41 AM

Yes she is in rehab, she is twenty five I am almost twenty five. I absolutely believe that this had not occurred before our " break up" and I agree technically the first and last ones were out of the window of our relationship. Our relationship started with a lot of sex and alcohol, the alcohol I basically kicked in January and she did not. As far as my own rehab I don't feel I have a problem. I see this as self destructive behavior and behavior intended to hurt me ( like I said she told me many times she was found him disgusting and has expressed that since. One thing to be clear about is that the abortion happened because after we found out, we gave it a few days she said she wanted it and asked me if I did and I said no. I clearly said that I supported her in either decision, but I was honest about whether I wanted it. I see it as her acting out in post partum

Surfnread posted 4/18/2013 07:50 AM

Depression, and feeling remorseful, breaking up with me because she didn't know what else to do, then crawling back when she realized how much she f'd up. Personally, I feel my trust was betrayed on both fronts but she seems sorrowful, and had bad coping mechanisms and didn't know how to deal with " me not wanting to mate with her." Yes it definitely started as an unhealthy relationship but I think it may be the catalyst to bring her to my emotional level and make this into a healthy relationship. Despite how this sounds we are very much in love and more than a bit codependent but I believe it could be for the best. I've talked tow few friends and most of their advice follows suit with your "run forest run " idea, which my mind concurs with. My heart tells me this could be a huge learning experience regardless of the outcome, and that we owe it to ourselves to try and make it work, because regardless of how it sounds there is a very strong connection between us. She was basically my best friend until about a month ago. I feel I have some responsibility in the situation I need to own up to ( not justifying her cheating, just being clear ) before I kick this one to the curb. Also, she is absolutely batshit crazy but also very intelligent beautiful and socially conscious. In short I dig it... Thoughts?

EmperorsClothes posted 4/18/2013 07:52 AM

I want to tell an anecdote without implying anything about your situation with you gf. I'm not sure that is possible, but I'll try.

I had an abortion with my then boyfriend, now husband when I was 19. While it was the right decision, it was very traumatic and painful for me. He was not as supportive as he could have been. In the week after that, I broke up with him, and got physically violent with him. I felt I had gone crazy. My hormones were making me insane. I felt broken inside. About a week later, things had balanced out and I felt normal again.

None of that excuses my behavior towards him. I just know that I've never acted or felt anywhere near that way since (some 15 years now).

I don't know your situation and am not insinuating that you should forgive or reconcile with her. I just felt compelled to overshare in case anyone finds it helpful.

Surfnread posted 4/18/2013 07:55 AM

Thank you all for sharing. It feels good to get this out in writing and to get some objective feedback. Much aopreciated

Williesmom posted 4/18/2013 20:00 PM

I think that you have your own issues. If we put you, your issues, her, and her issues......that's a pretty big mess.

Step away from the drama. Fix yourself. There no way that you can have a healthy relationship with anyone at the point.

Aside from that, all of the drama that you're seeing would drive me batshit crazy.