I suspect they had sex in my house. Yesterday I asked my husband to make love to me in a fantasy scenario (then asked him to move location next to the room I suspect they would of used), dressed sexy etc, normally this would flip his lid, he really wasn't into it, had to work pretty hard to do it! Which is not normal for him. Guilt? He apologized later for not been super keen, made some feeble excuses.
I have told him that I can forgive him pretty much anything, but not more lies. I wish I hadn't said that I would leave him if they had done anything physical, cause I think he will now lie till the end of time if it really did happen. He is sorry, loves me & wants to heal our relationship.
I still cant get past the feeling he is still lying to me.
How do I find out/get past this?
I have been able to retrieve some texts etc, but nothing to confirm/disprove they met up. She lives literally over our back fence, so it is just a hop skip & a jump.
He was home a couple of afternoons per week 2 hours before me, as part of our regular schedule, so would have had plenty of opportunity. I just need to damn well know yes or no. I don't want to hound him if its no, but I just don't believe it.
I am confused frustrated & upset.
I WANT TO KNOW HE REALLY IS TELLING THE TRUTH. I want to know he has stopped hurting me.
I too doubt what my WH has told me...he swore up & down & around the moon before...& then I found out even more - which, he swears up & down & around the moon again, is it...I'm waiting for the shoe to drop that it isn't...*sigh*.
I really feel like we have to go with our gut on this one, which is why, in my case, I've asked my WH to take a polygraph (lie detector) test. He immediately got weird about it - kept asking me why I wanted him to take one & what specifically did I think he was lying about when he's already told me everything (like I haven't heard that one before!) so for me, the test is going to be the only way for me to know whether or not what he's told me is true. For me, it's the only way for me to know whether or not we can move forward.
One thing I do know - from reading a lot from the healing library on SI - is that there has to be complete transparency on our WH's part....and we need to be able to FEEL that they're being transparent - otherwise, we end up right back at square 1 each time another lie comes rearing it's ugly head.
I feel that all this 'I just want to protect you from more hurt...' is just more selfishness on their part - they want to protect themselves & their secrets *deep sigh*.
Good luck with round 5 *hugs*
But you have to decide about that, I wouldn't lie and say it's not a deal breaker then get the info and leave.
I had a similar situation, my H and the OW swore they didn't have sex but I just knew they did, the story didn't make sense if they didn't. I didn't have exact proof but I had enough proof that would lead a normal adult human to believe they had sex. I wrote it all out and presented it to my h. But normally I'd say "did you have sex with her?" he'd say no. this time I said "I know you had sex with b/c of these facts 1.2.3." If you did not have sex please explain in detail why you didn't when you had these opportunities. a part of me hoped he'd say he couldn't go thru with it or he couldn't physically get things working but he admitted it then.
so I think if you decide you are willing to work on the marriage if he gives you all the details you need, you need to make it ok for him to tell you, otherwise he will keep hiding it hoping you will let it go and won't leave.
That being said, you won't be able to let it go. Oh god I tried, I wanted to believe him but I knew and I couldn't unknow and it was eating me alive. I never could have just accepted that and moved on.
But after that big piece of the puzzle was revealed it turned out I didn't need much more in order to move on. I was tempted to ask all the gory details but ultimately I decided, they had sex, how when where wasn't important to me, they had sex and we had so much work to do, we needed to figure out how to repair this crap we were in more than me knowing whether or not they had oral sex..before I asked another question I'd ask myself will knowing the answer to this help me heal, if no, I'd move on.
For me, part of the other specific questions was me wanting to understand why he did this. Maybe some tiny detail would explain it all but thats not how it works. It had nothing to do with the OW, his A was about him not knowing how to cope with life and not having boundaries. So I needed to focus my discussions on those issues rather than what she said or wore that was different from me. kwim?
Ask him if he'll take a polygraph. Google polygraphs in your area..you should be able to find a licensed,reputable person who can administer a poly..it usually costs about $500. he can sell some of his shit to pay for it. If he has told you everything,he will jump at the chance to prove it. If he is lying,he will come up with excuses. And go through with it. Chances are,you'll get a parking lot confession. Regardless,follow through with it.
Does the MOW's BH know about the affair? Have you asked him for any evidence?
ETA: Ive read your profile. It looks like you havent told her BH because some of the texts she sent your WH said her BH was abusive. Honey..that is one of the oldest OW tricks there is...they say this shit so their OM can play KISA(knight in shining armor).
Tell her BH. Call him,dont email or facebook him..she knows you know,so she is probably watching for you to contact her BH and she will intercept it. Tell him the facts..try to refrain from saying anything negative about his wife..his instinct may be to defend her. Tell him you have hard evidence and offer to meet with him. Make copies of everything you have and give him one. Dont tell your WH you're doing this. He will warn her..and she has already said she will make you out to look crazy,and chances are she will get to her BH before you do..and he won't listen to you.
[This message edited by confused615 at 9:42 AM, April 18th (Thursday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:07 AM, April 18th (Thursday)]
Once you feel you know everything, then you will be able to make an educated choice about whether you want to stay married or not.
By the way, the longer you wait to send his phone for data retrieval, the less likely they'll find something. Every time he gets a new text, it could be overwriting what you're wanting to find. Send it now.
Don't let him make you feel guilty about it: You haven't cheated on anyone!
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
[This message edited by flashgirlrider at 10:22 PM, April 19th (Friday)]